Infusion last friday and sickness

Hi everyone. Happy holidays! Hope you guys are well! 

Last friday was "Happy Herceptin day" or H day, as H reminds me of happy, which makes me smile! 

I was able to get  my self esteem fed from my sweet nurses who have exclaimed I looked pretty,  like a movie star!  And how nice my hair is looking. I  totally rocked my new hair and those ladies know how to make a girl smile!  Wish I could make them understand just how much they mean to me and how very thankful I am for them!   Now if I could get these pesky chin hairs to stop growing back and my eyelashes and eyebrows to grow back, that would make me super happy!

But, I am all smiles today as I think of how lucky I am to be winning this war!  It is war and even though my eyes get leaky thinking I have surgery in 1 week, YIKES, the boobs are trying to kill me so they.have.got.to.go! I am super scared and nervous, mainly for the recovery but  hoping for an easy and fast recovery!

I have been super sick since saturday, hoping to get better so we can do surgery!  worries me that it will linger. Here is to hoping, as i need this over with so my mind stops messing with me.  The emotional side to cancer is one most people never see. You see the physical, but the emotional, is hard. As a positive person, you want to stay positive, but by doing that, people do not see you are hurting so very much.  I can see the positive and still be in pain. I know why I have to do chemo and surgery but going through it, it hard. Physically you hurt, and emotionally you are drained. Takes a lot from your loved ones too. One day this will all be a bad memory.. ready for that day!

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend!  Please tell those you love, how very much you love them!  I promise it will make you smile!

Have an amazing New Year!

Love 

Jamie 

#wegotthis #fightinglikeagirl

Perfect Timing

Just when I need it the most my bestie Sandy Lee, swoops in like a super hero and saves the day! Even if it was just for ONE night, seeing her, makes me so happy!  I love that she took 2 days of her christmas break, to drive over with her daughter who I have known since she was in her mamas belly, to see me and the kids!  We had so much fun at dinner and seeing lights and baby snuggles!  Just getting a hug from her makes everything better!  I miss her tons right now and am emotional but goodness my heart is happy from seeing her.  Just wish it could have been longer!  Seeing her daughter with my nieces, would warm anyone's heart. They were so cute and all held hands and loved to talk about their fave books!  I really wish we had more time as it was really fun to watch them. but with my kids melting down due to bedtime, it was time to go. But we got to see one of my besties from Tally which made me happy too! It was a night that I really, really needed!

Yay for friends who have perfect timing!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis

Emotional mess

I am an emotional mess today. I keep seeing pics of women after mastectomy's with the drains super low. I wasn't expecting that. To be honest this whole process is horrible for anyone who is a planner. You do not get the details yoiu need to be prepared. It is a wait and see game. Some drs tell their patients 6 weeks, mine is like 2. I told my boss 4 to make sure I am covered. I am not good with being told what to do anyway, so this process is really hard. I cannot stop crying. My husband wants to be supportive, but he has no idea how to be. He just says "I know"with a look like 'i get it already stop crying' but i cannot. A part of me, two parts of me are going bye bye. I have no say. I do not mind the boobs as much as the lymph nodes. That part freaks me out!  The emotions hit like waves. At least i have the sweet babies to keep me smiling and keep me on my toes. JB has been so stinking sweet with his hugs and kisses and "i'm sorry mama"  " i love you mama"   sweetest sounds ever!

Happiness is a choice.. sometimes we forget that

I was just introduced to this guy who makes me laugh while teaching me: https://www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work#t-213640

Take the time to check it out if you have not.  It will totally help shift your perspective so you are seeing positives instead of negatives. This came on a day that i needed to see and hear this!  So many times we focus on the negative of things: ie;  some people with cancer die, instead of, some people with cancer live; my husband didn't do XYZ, instead of my husband has been working a ton/spending time with us; My work queue is full ugh, instead of My work queue is full, today is going to fly by.

It takes awhile to build up the habit of flipping that switch automatically and sometimes you can slide back into your old ways.  I did this morning. I could not see the positive to save me. I can see them again thanks to a sweet friend sending me that link, not even realizing I needed that today!

Happiness is a choice, each day I make tons of decisions, one of them is to be happy or sad/mad/frustrated, it is a choice, i have to think about some days really hard, and others it comes naturally, but it is still a choice!  Choose the positive, choose the happiness, choose to smile and laugh!  Make that choice and be a better version of you!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis

Crazy TCHP after effects

It has been 9 weeks since my last TCHP cocktail.   Since Herceptin is targeted therapy, it only targets the HER2 in my body, which makes my side effects very little. What is crazy is the after effects i am getting from the TCHP cocktail.  My nails are NASTY!  they are dead  but still on my body, so they are very very brittle, yellow, just over all dingy looking. So over these. I almost want to go get fake ones to leave on until my nails come back.  That and  a pedicure with a dark color, as my toenails are just as bad. Tummy is still blah and my weight will not drop no matter how good i eat or how much i work out. But I have been working out :D   I still have sores all in my nose and am ready to have my nose hairs back.  My chin hair is back in full force, and my regular hair is coming in nicely and soooooo soft!  I mean so soft! it is like rubbing a baby chick or any soft furry baby animal, as I really do not know the last time i petted a baby chick, so i could have totally made something up right there.

Sorry, i digress. My hair is coming in great!  The Herceptin makes me super super tired. Like 2nd and  9 month pregnancy tired.  I just want to sleep all the time and I can't!  I have gotten my room ready for surgery.  Little bit should start coming off the bed the right way soon. Now he is close to the ground so his damage from a fall should be at a minimum now. I have someone coming to get baby stuff.. :( WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA No more babies for me, which makes me sad.

I know I am overdoing it at the moment, just like I did when i was pregnant,  but I really want things in order so i can relax and focus on getting through post op with the kids.   That part makes me sad. They unknowns.  I love how they both curl up with me at night but after surgery is going to be hard :(  Hoping I heal quickly so I can get back to snuggling my fave two little guys!

Oh and i lost most of my eyebrows and eyelashes, that has been rough. i was more sad over those than my hair.  I do NOT look like myself without makeup now. Every morning, I wake up and shower so I can put on my eyebrows. I put on eyeliner so i look like I have eyes. Who knew no lashes or few lashes made you look so ehhhhh.. I miss my thick long lashes. I now understand why women want longer fuller lashes.  

I am also super sore. Achy all over like the flu. Not sure if I am coming down with something or if I am having side effects from Herceptin. B and CB both are sick, JB and I are a little run down but not sick yet.  I have a feeling JB will be the last man standing. But anyway, achy. Even my bones ache.  JB has been helping me stretch every day.  Sweet pumpkin.

I am very thankful the side effects of Herceptin are minimum. This stuff is amazing!

Hope everyone is having a fabulous day!
Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis

Somedays you need a day

Somedays you just need a day. a day to cry, a day to rest, whatever your need is, some days you just need it.  Thurs was Thanksgiving and my eldests 3rd birthday. I did too much!  We walked the turkey trot, and then i fought him for nap, to then frost his cake i had baked, then cooked some dishes then hosted thanksgiving. I was one tired mama!  I had planned for Friday to be lowkey.  It was for the most part. Little bit and I hung out in bed most of the day, while Daddy went off playing and Big brother was with grandma. I needed about 7 of those kinds of days.

Monday hit and I heard the news of a friend passing from Pancreatic cancer. That hit me hard. She was an amazing person. Then today, little Kate passed away from cancer. I am heart broken for her parents and siblings.

 It seems cancer is everywhere. It is invading every day talk. You mention cancer and no one is surprised anymore, and you still get the sad death sentence face. Treatments are a little better, but still not better. There are not choices unless you fight for them. You are told you will do xyz and not really given the reasons behind it. You have to research on your own, which leads to more questions and am i doing the right thing. Chemo was hard but doable.  This surgery scares the bejesus out of me. Mainly on how it will effect my kids. so much has been taken from them in the last 6 months. I hate taking anymore from them. Especially when there is not solid data. All I know is Herceptin is working. I would rather stay on this the rest of my life every 3 weeks, than have my mastectomy at this time. I would rather wait until the kids are older. Surgery with two small kids, doesn't sound fun at all. In a month, I will find out. That makes me sad. Monday was my day to cry. I cried almost all day!  My Sweet Dani let me cry on her shoulder. it was rough. Thinking about it makes me tear up.   I needed that day. I needed to cry. I still am freaking out but am working through it. That is good.  Moving forward is good. But I know some days i am just going to need a day and those days, it is okay and i will take said day!

Thanks for reading my babble!

Have a great one!
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis

Living Proof

Living Proof is a movie based on how the drug that is saving my life, Herceptin, was created and the fabulous Dr. Slamon who pushed boundaries in thinking outside the box to find something that could possibly cure breast cancer, as he was tired of seeing women go through chemo, surgery and radiation and still dying. He thought "there has to be a better way" and he did it. He found the better way. He fought 12 years to get this drug, into a clinical trial and to get the FDA to approve it.  He had amazing people helping him and an amazing wife who supported him.  This movie hit home, as one of the first test subjects, was a woman who was 28, postpartum with her 2nd child when diagnosed stage 4 breast cancer. This could have been me.  Easily, had I waited another month to be seen, it would have been me. Because of her and the other women who took a leap of faith to try this, I am here and I have no cancer active in my body. The stem cells are still there, but they have been shut off. She sadly did not qualify for the clinical trials but that ONE shot, gave her 2 extra years with her boys.  Which I know meant the world to her, as it would to me.  Through this whole process, I just want more time with them, I want them to remember me, for me to have some influence on their lives. I have time now, thanks to those women and that doctor.

Today I just found out one of my friends who has fought cancer, with such grace and positivity, lost her battle yesterday. The world will definitely feel the loss of her. She was such a fiery, positive, bright light!

I hope I can continue to shine brightly for all of these amazing people who came before me, for those who won and those who lost their battles. I will keep fighting and keep trying to be a light of good in a world full of darkness!

#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis

Unexpected call

I received an unexpected call today, from the insurance companies case manager, over my cancer. She told me that I was an inspiration. I know only made her day, but I made her month. All because while I was telling her my story, I was staying upbeat and positive and looking at the bright side of everything. That I needed to write a book.  Maybe one day I will! These posts will definitely help me remember this year. How hard I fight to not leave my babies. I did tear up, when we talked about nursing and me having to give that up. That is a tough pill to swallow still. Does cancer suck? yeah yeah it does. But are there perks? Yes yes there are!  I get to see the good in most every person I meet. For some reason, even a mean person, will be nice to someone going through cancer treatments.  Theres something humbling in that.  It's really nice to know how someone feels about you!  The calls, texts, cards, presents, breastmilk, house/yard work, food and more, mean the world! Makes you want to be a better person.  Makes you happy!  Every day I have a choice. I can be happy or wallow. And while wallowing is very appetizing. I have two littles that need a happy energetic mama. So every day I wake up and if needed, fake it until I make it! And I always, well most days make it at least most of the day!  Those sweet smiles make me smile. There is so much beauty in the world, you just have to be open to it and put it out there as well!  I wish we would all just be good humans. Be kind, loving, respectful, hard working and truthful, this world would be a better place. Life's to short to spend it mad and negative. Take a load off by trying smile and be happy! 

Have a fabulous day!  Thanks for loving me! 

Jamie

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #inspiration 

Great news

I tried to post on Friday but had technical issues again and was super busy all weekend!

So Friday we got the results of my PET scan.  I will say I cried a lot and every time I think about it, I tear up.  The scan showed NO EVIDENCE OF MALIGNANT DISEASE!  That is right, I am cancer free!  This does not change the course of treatment, it just means, the treatment is working! I am very very very thankful!  I cannot even express how exactly I feel. Mixed emotions for sure!  I am thrilled about it and so much more nervous about surgery now. But goodness it makes me smile knowing I am not leaving my sweet family!

I celebrated this weekend with my friends on Sunday. We cooked out and let the kids play as we drank champagne and  toasted to many more years together!  Oh happy day!

Thank you to all of you for your love, support, thoughts, vibes and prayers!  So thankful for an amazing team of doctors that acted quickly and got me through this!

Thanks a bunch!  Much love to you all!

#wegotthis #fightinglikeagirl

Technical issues

I am so sorry for the long pause in posts. I promise I have tried but the app keeps shutting down on me before I finish my post :(

So since the last post, I have had  a PET scan that I requested since when they wanted me to get one I was nursing and refused to not nurse my baby knowing i would have to give that up soon. .The guy at the time told me I would need to not have direct contact for 24 hours with the kids.  So my sister kept them for me. I got 9 hours of sleep that night which was amazing! But I paid for it as the kids were super clingy and wanted MAMA all weekend.. which I was happy to oblige, but it hurt daddy's feelings :(    Jax took it the hardest i would say. He regressed a bunch and dry nursed going to bed all this weekend. Which is a little painful for me but he soothed him, so I let him. he doesn't have much longer of having that option, and I did not have the heart to say no when i miss it just as much as he does!  My sweet first baby!  Cass also missed Mama and wanted just me for everything this weekend. I am definitely tired but loved all my snuggles.  I should get the results this week at my Oncologist appt that I have before chemo!

I had my gyno appt this week and she is being extra vigilant since I am ER+ and her2+ (Estrogen fueled cancer with a super cell that likes to replicate quickly)  it has been known to spread to uterus area so we are doing an ultrasound in Feb to make sure  nothing has spread.

This week I have been very very emotional. I cry at a drop of a hat. I am definitely freaked out over the double mastectomy. The loss of part of my body sucks. I am not sure I really am on board with removing the lymph nodes and the hardest part is the unknowns with post op and the kids.  The kids and I snuggle at night. We enjoy it, it makes us happy, I am not looking to change things.  It will be some restless nights once I am back home. 1. because they are super needy after we have been apart and 2. because I will be in slight to moderate pain and they are going to want to snuggle right where the incisions are. Will definitely be interesting. I keep saying, i do not want this to affect them but it is and will, which makes me cry. dang leaky eyes!

I need strength to stay strong!  Oh my sweet boys!  I am looking forward to knowing my results of my PET scan. I am actually being super calm about it.  I know it is what it is at this point. We will know if it has spread or if its going away. The best case is its all gone, worst case it has spread.. either way, we will deal with this!  

Have a fabulous day!

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Kindness matters. Love Matters

I was walking to get my kids two days ago and saw this middle school girl playing volleyball by herself. I waved and said hello.  On my walk back with the kids in tow, she was riding bikes with her dad and siblings.  She came up to me and handed me a note she wrote. The envelope said "Hope"  inside said "Hope" had a ribbon drawn and told me to "Keep Fighting"  So sweet!

Well last night we are eating dinner and a car pulls up and two people knock on the door. It was the sweet girl and her mother. Her mom just battled breast cancer last year.  She was diagnosed Jan 2015. She shared with me her story and told me to let her know if we needed anything. She was happy to help!  She even wrote down my surgery date so she could bring us food.

Small act of kindness goes such a long way. Her daughter didn't have to write that note and she didn't have to come by. She apparently came by the same night her daughter gave me the note but we were already in bed. She wanted me to know I was not alone. There are kind people all over. It makes my heart happy, she has taught her daughter to be so kind. I hope my boys will be kind too as they grow up. They are so sweet now, can only hope that continues. I think if I keep showing kindness to others, they will continue to emulate it!

Love and Kindness matters!

Please be kind to one another!  You never know what kind a day someone else is having, and how you can make a huge difference with just a smile!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #loveandkindessmatter

Long overdue post

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to write another post. I have been focusing on the kids and staying away from any electronics at night. Still no excuse.

Since my last post I have had my Herceptin only infusion. I handled that really well. Just tired, very tired but very few other side effects!  

I have a PET scan scheduled for the 3rd of November.  It is long overdue. I should have had one before beginning chemo but was nursing and refused. I have this nagging feeling something is wrong. Hoping I am wrong!  I have really been focusing on living my life to the fullest, keeping stress and negativity away from me and just being nice to others!  I could focus on the cancer and worry about it coming back. it is never far from my mind, especially since I still feel the tumor.  But worrying, will not help me. Everyone dies at some point and I could be hit by  a car as easily as I could die from cancer. So my mission is to create a ton of amazing memories with those I love, so that if anything ever happens, they will have those to remember and they will know I love them!

I am so thankful to my friends who continue to surround me with love and support!  Some days are easier than others.  At the moment I made the mistake to watch "Last Days" which is an amazingly inspiring show on CW that shows lives of those that are dying but are living their life to the fullest!  As I watch it, my two year old climbs on my back and gives me tons of kisses!  Oh my sweet boy!  I know I have already done such an amazing job with him. I am blessed to be able to continue to be his mama and have him not affected by this bump in my road!

Today I challenge each of you, to take a moment to breath, and enjoy your day. Try not to let others stress affect you. Try to make everyone you come in contact with smile. Do something nice for someone else for no other reason that it makes you feel good!   We all have bumps in our road, it is how we face them that determines our character and how it affects us and those around us.  Be the light that shines in the face of darkness!  Smile and be happy!  You are alive and it could always be worse!

Much love!

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #bekind #livelifetothefullest

Good weekend!

This weekend was a good weekend. I didn't feel good but, we laid low and I rested. I binged watched tv and played with the kids from the bed or couch, well mainly the baby, as my oldest left me most of the weekend. Though when he was home he was snuggled up tight!  Love my baby/toddler snuggles!  It was nice.  He wanted just to snuggle and baby loves to snuggle and play in bed so it was a nice quiet weekend!  I even made it out for grocery shopping, which I rarely do.

I am still exhausted, like bone, tired, exhaustion, but better than last week! Still plagued with tummy issues and nausea, but better. The fog seems to be lifting, and I am able to think more clearly!  Even with me feeling yucky last week, I had a really good week at work, which makes me happy!  Definitely have an amazing boss!  I am loving the toddler snuggles and kisses!  Life is good!

Thanks for all my calls, texts, emails, etc!  appreciate you guys taking your time to think about me!

Hope everyone is having a great week!

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #uphillswing

Thankful

Some of you were concerned that yesterday's post was not as positive as my usual ones. It wasn't intended that way. It was intended to be  very real and expressed what I am going through. Such raw emotion hits every day. And the chemo side effects are not pretty but cancer is not pretty.  Do not worry,  even when I feel bad and am expressing what I am going through or feeling,  I  am still very thankful and looking at the bright side, as there is always a bright side!

I am thankful that even though I do not feel good still, that I  know it could be worse.
I am thankful that it is me enduring these treatments and not my small children.
I am thankful that I have an amazing boss and co-workers!
I am thankful that people ask what they can do to make me feel better, even if nothing can be done.
I am thankful for my sister who is my rock and my strength when I do not feel I can do anymore.
I am thankful I have indoor plumbing, especially at night!
I am thankful to have a sweet toddler who wakes me up with kisses and snuggles.
I am thankful to have a baby who loves to smile and gives out giggles freely!
I am thankful for parents who love me and are always there for me.
I am thankful for in laws who love me like their own.
I am thankful for my Granny, who is one tough Matriarch! She makes me smile and shows me where my stubbornness comes from!
I am thankful I have insurance, so that I have choices in fighting cancer.
I am thankful I am able to push through this exhaustion and retain a semblance of a normal life.
I am thankful my body has tolerated chemo and is reacting positively to it.
I am thankful for ooey gooey cheese sticks, as they taste amazing at the moment.
I am thankful I can see the light at the end of the long tunnel.
I am thankful for Herceptin, as it makes being HER2+ not the death sentence it once was.
I am thankful, we caught my cancer when we did. Stage 3 seems like a cake walk next to Stage 4.
I am thankful for an amazing team of doctors, who listen to me and actually care about me.
I am thankful for my chemo nurses who brighten my day when I see them!
I am thankful to be able to reconnect with long lost friends. I was missing a piece of my heart without them and am so glad they are back in my life!
I am thankful to hear stories of why people love me or the impact I made on their lives!  Makes me smile a lot!
I am thankful people drive out of their way just to see me!
I am thankful for all the gifts, presents, hugs etc!  I am not used to being on the receiving end, and much rather be the giver, but am SOOO thankful at the moment to all the kind hearts that are out there. My faith in humanity has been restored when I think of you and all you have done for me!
I am thankful for my years of being a volunteer and am looking forward to being able to volunteer again and have little ones tag along too!
I am thankful I will have a future watching  my babies grow up!
I am thankful for the light that surrounds me even in dark times.
I am thankful for my sweet nieces who make me laugh, draw me pictures, rub my back and are amazing girls!
I am thankful for a brother in law that loves my kids like his own!
I am thankful I am alive!
I am thankful we are not in the path of Hurricane Matthew :D

I could keep going, but you get the picture! I am so thankful! All of you are a huge part of that gratitude!

THANK YOU for all your support and love!

I want to hear from you!  What are some things you are thankful for?


XOXO
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis
#thankful

Post Chemo #6 update

Hi everyone!

I am still  feeling pretty rough!  It feels as though I am looking  and swimming through a sea of water. I feel very bloated (though I do not  look it per sis), my tummy doesn't like me so much, I am  nauseated, my entire body aches still. I still do not have a fever which is great, but my poor body is like, "Listen woman, first you get pregnant, than you make me spit out a 10lb 5.3 oz baby sideways with no drugs, then you make me start chemo before I have recovered from labor. really? Really, this is how you want to play this?"  so it is winning today. Today I am feeling the exhaustion of this past years abuse on my poor body. Just touching me makes me hurt from my muscles being so tight and sore.  I feel like I need a massive massage that would go on for a half a day. It even is hard to turn my head (and no I don't think I have meningitis but the thought has crossed my mind). My nose is running, my glands are swollen, coughing, I feel very heavy,  you name it and I probably feel it today.

Today is one of those days, I do not feel strong at all! I feel very weak, which makes my eyes leak, as I write that. I long to feel normal, even though at this point I am not even sure what that feels like.   My baby is almost 6 months old  and I feel like I gave birth last week, instead of being fully recovered, like I should feel.  When I say I am exhausted, I am just done. I am not sure how I am pushing through at this point. I literally laid in bed with the boys last night, as Jax watched tv, and Cass played, I closed my eyes and drifted off into a light sleep (don't worry daddy was home with us, no kids harmed in my sleeping). It was one of those moments where I couldn't keep my eyes open.  No matter what I did, short of putting toothpicks on my eyelids, were those eyes staying open.   Thankfully at the moment I have my eyes open and am trying to get as much done as possible so that I can rest later. But they are super heavy this morning too!  It is almost as if i used all my energy getting the kids ready for their day.

I am so thankful for a supportive boss, co-workers, friends and family! Many of you have offered to take this all away from me. As appealing as that thought it, I would never wish this on anyone. I will endure this and get through this, especially with all this support I have!  BEST VILLAGE EVER!  Thank you all for everything!

Have an amazing day and cheers to me feeling better quickly!
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #sicknessbegone #exhaustionbegone #normalpleasecomeback

Post Chemo #6

I had my last TCHP cocktail on Friday.  It was a doozie. I am definitely super nauseated, exhausted  and just over all blah!  Thankful for a boss that understands and my village who surrounds me daily.

I had my sweet angel show up to clean my house, brought me goodies and will be bringing me food today. I had my mother in law swing by with more food. I had my college bestie drive like 9 hours in one day just to come hang out with me and bring me goodies!  I definitely am lucky!  No complaints in that department.

Thank you you to all who keep sending me emails, texts, calls, presents, cards, hugs, good vibes, prayers, etc!  You all ROCK!  I am so thankful!  I am sorry the thank you cards are not getting out like they should, but know you are appreciated! I am so grateful!

Much love!

#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis

Met with surgeon

Yesterday we met with my amazing surgeon!  We went over what was recommended and what I wanted to do. I shocked him when I said that I did not want reconstruction and wanted to make sure he could stitch me up where I would look Flat and Fabulous and not like I have dog ears for breasts or if I needed a plastic surgeon just to stitch me up. He assured me if i wanted to be flat that he could do it and make it look very nice. It is actually easier on him to do it that way, as he doesn't have to keep skin for the plastic surgeon to do their job. He can take the excess skin on both sides and stitch me up with a straight pretty line.  Comically, he let me know if I changed my mind even a few years later I could still do reconstruction with my muscle. I was like, yeah I am okay. I think by that point I will be used to having no boobies. I also told him that I was going to write Thelma and Louise on them and asked him if I had watched the movie. He said, I have seen a bit of it but I will watch it right before surgery so I can get the laugh!  As his  nurse, my sister and I all laughed about that. His nurse thought it was an amazing idea. She also complimented me on me keeping a positive attitude and not being vain. She said not many women choose to go flat and she thought it was fabulous. I let her know I was very okay with it, as i will not have to worry about bras again!  She said, that was worth it!  

We will be doing a Left Modified radical mastectomy (left total mastectomy with axillary dissection) (they take the skin, nipple, areola all the breast tissue and the under arm lymph nodes) and Right prophylactic total mastectomy (same as the left except i keep my underarm lymph nodes) on January 5th.   Now had you asked me at the beginning of this journey, I would have told you we would be trying to do a breast conserving mastectomy and trying to keep the nipple. But since my left breast lit up like a christmas tree in the MRI, we couldn't go that route for the left, which is why I decided not to go that way for the right. And since we are not reconstruction I did not want them to be uneven. I prefer to be flat and do a cool tattoo over the areas.  I won't lie, I will miss the girls. They have been through a lot with me. They fed my babies, which to me is the most amazing thing they did. They provided food and comfort to my babies and still provide comfort to my toddler, who lets me know regularly, "no milk mama" yes sweet boy no milk :(  Yesterday I was a hot mess. I cried a lot. It is a piece of me going bye bye. A piece that has meant a lot to me. 

I definitely have leaky eyes lately!  Everything brings me to tears. It is a lot to take in. I try to be strong but most days I am a hot hot mess!  I keep it together in front of the boys!  They are my lifesavers!.   I am so   thankful for a clean house (an angel has been sent to me for this task), the presents, the cards, the food, the stopping by (even some people wayyy out of their way) to come see me and give me hugs, the calls, the texts, the emails, my sweet babies! All have really, really made me a happy girl! I stay wrapped in a big hug, which helps me on the days that I am not strong, and I do not want to get out of bed. Thank you all soooooo much! I never can explain just how much it all means to me! But it really does mean so much!  

You all are amazing!  Thanks for keeping me wrapped in a big hug!

Have an amazing day!
Much love!

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

I post more here but if you want to be apart of the facebook group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/569719376534749/ 

Things I wish people knew

Goodness there are lots of things I wish I could vocalize some days. But the words just have a hard time leaving my mouth. I know shocking for me!  Through this whole cancer thing, writing seems easier than speaking. It's still raw and painful to speak about. But writing gets it all out! I can keep you up to date, I keep a journal of this journey and it's cheaper than a therapist!  Hearing you have cancer is like a swift kick to the stomach.  It knocks the breath out of you.  I'm glad I have this outlet and I am glad I have you!

Here's a quick top 10 guide of what I wish people knew. I have plenty others but I think 10 is a nice start!

1. Don't play 100 questions: I know people want to know what is happening with me because they care or maybe because they are just curious. It is like a train wreck, you want to turn away but you just can't. But it's hard to talk about most days and even harder to try to field questions, when I don't always know the answer. Then I feel stupid or like I should know the answer, when in reality I don't know because the doctors don't know or haven't shared with me. It's exhausting and stressful!!

Especially since I have created spaces for  people to keep informed with what I know at this point. If it's not posted, more than likely I don't know.  I'll answer any I can but please know I may not know and that's okay too! And if you realize I don't know, stop asking please!  It really stresses me out 😥

2. Asking what you can do to help:  this is so innocent and so sweet and god knows I've asked the same exact question, not realizing that the person you are asking has no idea how to answer. It's true we don't. We are exhausted from making decisions, doing day to day things, dealing with the fact we have cancer, from chemo side effects, and more, that the thought of making one more decision is daunting! Like really daunting. Just do something. Whether it's a stop by just to give me a hug or sending me a meal. Don't make me think,  just do it. It's really hard for me to accept help even harder for me to ask. I love being the one that gives and volunteers so for me to give an answer is really hard!   But I am so appreciative of the things that just appear! The scarves, wigs, meals, people mowing my yard, people dropping by to play with kids, picking up while they visit, call telling me you'll pick me up for my fluids.   All of those things mean the world to me but are so hard to ask for.  I've learned to not protest and just say thank you (which has been hard for this independent girl),  I have not learned to ask yet! (I'll get there I think) until then just do! I promise I appreciate it! Just do something, anything and I'll be thankful for it! 

3. Staying in contact (don't avoid me) a quick text, call (even if I don't always call back), message, card, anything to know you are thinking of me.  Even if you don't know what to say a quick " hi thinking of you" works perfectly!! It's  so chaotic at the moment and as you get further from your original diagnosis people seem to drop off the face of the earth or avoid you from not knowing what to say. Which sucks because chemo is cumulative, so I feel horrid, and my support has waned :( the cards and texts that were once abundant, are not so abundant anymore.  I need them to get through this! I need you!  I need to know I'm not alone! I love feeling like I am wrapped in a big hug! Definitely helps me when I feel crappy! But please don't bring strangers to my house, the hostess in me will want to clean up before they come and entertain when they are here.  If they are coming to pray for me please have them do that from afar. This is all still very raw and painful. I don't like having to talk about it if I don't want too! Though I do appreciate it! But would love just to see you!

4. Listen: when I do decide to talk, listen. Don't give advice, don't tell me it's all going to be okay, don't tell me to be strong, don't bring up God, just listen. It's really hard for me to talk, and if I'm talking, it means I just need someone to listen and give me a great big hug! Did I mention I love hugs?

5. Share memories: whether it is telling me fond memories we share or making new ones! Share memories with me! I love hearing reasons you love me, times I made you laugh, favorite meals/times we've shared. I love spending time with you, so let's make new memories and laugh with me!  Laughing is good for my soul!  I need that! 

6. Talk to me: tell me about your problems and life! Distract me please!  I want to hear about your kids/love life/break up/etc! I want you to treat me like your normally would! I have cancer, but it doesn't define me!  I'm still me! I'm still the person you came to for advice or a laugh! Talk to me please! I promise if I have the energy I'll listen and be engaging! If I don't I'll be honest!

7. Don't take my kids: I know it seems like it would help, but unless I ask, please just come play with them.  I only get to see them a few hours a day during the week and two days on the weekend. My time with them is very precious and one day they won't want to spend time with me so please don't take them!  But having extra hands, if you can handle the mess or me excusing myself to use the bathroom or cooking dinner when you are there, please come! The kids love it and it helps me too! 

8. Avoid clichés: things like " you are strong, you are brave, you won't be handed more than you can handle. I know it's a filler and said to give you hope, but it's a lot to always feel strong or brave. It makes me feel inferior some days when I am not feeling that strong or I don't believe exactly what you do. Also, I don't ever feel  brave, I just push through because I have too. Because the thought of leaving my boys alone isn't an option. To tell the truth, I'm scared to death! And I cry a lot! Cancer is scary! Chemo is scary!  It's okay to tell me to be strong/ brave, just don't assume I am! Also  make me laugh, and I'll love you forever!

9. War stories and medical advice: Don't tell me war stories or how aunt hazel survived alternatively. Everyone's cancer is different and even breast cancer has sub categories that have sub categories. And while I would love marijuana or eating a raw diet to cure my cancer, the type I have is hard to cure that way. Trust me I have done the research. And when you are told you are stage 3 aggressive breast cancer and you have a newborn as well as a 2 year old at home, alternatively, just went out the window.  No one has time to watch everything that goes in their bodies, when they have small kids.  My best bet at beating this thing, is by conventional methods. Trust me, if there was another way, in the time I needed to do this, I would chose that option. But I have two boys to raise And they need their mama! I don't need to hear worst case scenarios either, I've researched and I've learned chemo/surgery/radation is different for everyone.  I'll get through it even if it's rough!  But I would like to go into it with best possible scenario in my head!  I like the positives! I'm a positive half full kinda a girl!  I don't like negative thoughts!  Think positivity! 

10. Opinions:  everyone's got an opinion. Just keep them positive please!  And if I disagree with you or I say something you wouldn't do. Don't send me tons of info in favor of what you would do. This especially comes into play around my masectomy and whether it should be single or double and if I should do reconstruction. I mean they are my boobs right? I have had them for quite some time. I am fond of them but at the same time, one did give me cancer. But whether I keep them or not, whether I do reconstruction or not, is my choice. Not anyone else's and no ones opinion matters as much as mine and really the only other person I really should consult with is my husband and even his opinion isn't as important as mine. And for the record, he's smart, he says "whatever you wish"   So if you are curious, I am happy to share but please do not take that as an invitation to force your opinion down my throat. It's really hard for me, without others opinions. They are a part of me. And it's not easy. And the decision I have made I didn't make lightly. So when I share that with you please, please understand that you will not change my mind, just because it's not something you, would do yourself, respect my decision and how difficult this is for me! It's another stressor for me! I need your support more than anything! I definitely wouldn't wish this disease or the decisions you have to face with it on anyone! 

I am so thankful for each of you!  This journey has only been possible because you are in it!  The positive thoughts, prayers, good vibes, are why I'm able to keep smiling and am getting better!  We are 1/4 of the way through this journey! I really do appreciate everyone and everything that has been done for us!!.  The love I feel from all of you is so humbling and amazing!  It's been nice to see the pay it forward cycle come into a circle on some things, and has started the circle for others!  That makes me happy!  And well I love to be happy! A happy girl is the prettiest girl!  Even one with cancer!

Much love!

~Jamie

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Immunity being low.. sucks...

There is no way around it, your immunity being low, sucks!  Big time!  Something that should be a normal sniffle turns into this week long nightmare that doesn't seem to want to go away. I have been in bed for 3 days and nights and still cannot shake it. I am upright today, only because I need to work. I need to save time for surgery and not for sickness. This blows!  I am not going to sugar coat it.  Going through chemo with a toddler at home means, infection can hit at any time. They do not wash their hands like they should, they do not realize they can't lick random things or eat of the floor. (true story)  They are little monkey's, literally, i walk into the kitchen this morning and I swear I was just a few feet behind him and he was already sitting on top of the counter. Like climbed up all on his own.

I keep checking my temp to make sure it hasn't reached 100.7 as apparently that is when i need to call now. I feel like I am getting better but my body just wants sleep. It just needs sleep, which at the moment I am not giving it. My head feels like it is 10 times bigger than it is. This summer cold has thrown my poor body for a loop. It is as bad as the flu!

I miss my baby, he has been with my sister for 3 nights and days.. I miss him a lot. those smiles, those giggles. But i needed sleep, still do. The tot and I are a mess.  Tot is still gunky and now running a fever. No bueno.  I am trying to push through, but I have to be honest, I do not feel like a warrior princess today. I feel like death. Death in the form of a body that is barely getting by.  Husband is working on a special project which is great for him but bad for us. as no help around the house. Which means no rest for Mama!

I wouldn't recommend having kids if you plan on ever getting sick or getting cancer, definitely not fun!

Thanks for all your love and support!  The calls, food, texts, all mean a bunch!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis
#sicknessbegone

9/11, sick kids and chemo side effects

 Where were you when the world stopped turning for my generation on 9/11/01? Me I was driving home from a friends house that morning when the news came over the radio. My heart dropped, tears flowed down my eyes. I rushed home to my roommate who was in front of the tv drinking coffee waiting on me to get home. We kept calling our friends who worked in the towers trying to find out if they were okay. Cell towers down. No calls going through. It was crazy and so surreal.  Throughout the day we finally got confirmation our friends and loved ones were okay. That couldn't be said about everyone that day. Lives were changed forever. I hope my kids never have to experience an event like that. But as history shows they probably will. My parents went through the Kennedy assassination, mine 9/11.  

My life changed forever when I got the call "Jamie I'm sorry to say you have cancer", my kids lives, my husbands life, my family and friends, all their lives changed that day too. Currently my kids have to go through watching their mama be sick from chemo eventually they will watch me recover from surgery and possibly go through radiation (though trying to avoid that). 

Today's side effects are a not happy tummy still, nauseousness and being exhausted which is partly due to having two kids running fevers to either side of me.  Happy to report none of us have fevers this morning. I'm sure my cancer nutritionalist would be not happy to know all the antioxidants that I consumed yesterday but I'd rather take my chances that the chemo is doing its job and I'm helping my body fight off this summer cold so I don't end up in the hospital. The tot is still super snotty but all clear!  The baby definitely doesn't feel good and just wants to be held, which I am very happy to oblige as he's super snuggly!  Hoping to get a little sleep today and this nausea under control as well as get more fluids in me, as I thought I was dying of thirst last night.  

I still feel I am lucky. I'm out of bed with little sleep, snuggling with the baby, when I could still be sleeping off these hangover feelings (granted that sounds amazing) but I think having the kids forces me through it so it forces my body to get it out quickly. And I want it gone quickly.  I can't wait for 4 more weeks when I can do a cleanse to get these toxins out of my body!!  For someone who eats healthy, barely drinks alcohol, exercises daily, pumping chemo in my body is still surreal and just nuts! The washing and triple washing all your fruits And veggies to make sure you don't get sick. Nuts! I'm such a healthy person who rarely gets sick yet I got cancer. Still surreal and ever life changing. 

So how am I doing today?  I'm doing well, pushing through and remembering a sad day when my life changed forever and knowing those days of life changing forever as I know it will keep on coming. And I also know, I'll get through it with a smile!  I like my smile and I never want anything, even cancer or hatred of others to take that away from me! Today we smile! 

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #neverforget

#alwayssmile

Love 

~Jamie

you want to follow me on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/569719376534749/

Grays 1; sickness 3

Yes you read that correctly. Gray 1; sickness 3.  

This all comes the day of chemo when I am told my immunity is super low and the nurses had to double check if we could proceed with chemo. We go to bed like normal but the tot kept waking up into a full screaming in pain while sobbing. This went on so long daddy showed up and finally came to bed as the tot kept snuggling back and forth between us. He was warm but not too hot. He finally snuggled into daddy and slept 3 hours. Woke up still warm and I woke up with nauseousness, headache, slight sore throat. By the end of the day the tot is super snotty and running a 100 fever, the baby is slightly snotty, coughing, sneezing and running a slight fever and mama is snotty, exhausted and coughing slightly and has not taken her temp like a good girl.   

Plus the tot coughed directly into my nose, like full blow of air from his cootie ridden breath into my nose so hard my nose inflated.  I ran for thieves spray as I tried not to breath in my nose. I mean of all the chances at all times during these chemo treatment, does he make that ringer shot. I means seriously good shot for being asleep!  

I did make elderberry syrup and have taken it like I do if I think I have the flu. Put extra ginger. Tot has been drinking it too!  Hoping we make it through this unscathed.  It's the first time for little bit to be sick and the first time ever that I haven't nursed the tot when he was sick. I mean I tandem nursed with he was puking 3 days after giving birth. Not being able to nurse them makes me feel sick and sad and my eyes get very leaky!  I'm an emotional hot mess at the moment!! 

I know it all could be worse so I am thankful I have plans in motions. Sweet tot has barely talked today and has been even more snuggly than usual. Sweet boy!

So I lay here willing myself not to get sick, trying not to cry. All three of us with thieves oil on feet and some good oils in the diffuser. I'll take my temp in the morning I promise! 

I'm thankful I've been able to push through today with a huge energy surge. Hoping to push through this sickness too!  I can totally do this! 

Send good vibes this way that we pass this sickness quickly and that I am able to build up some immunity with allowing the chem to do its job. Thanks a million! 

Love

~Jamie 

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #teamnosick 

Chemo #5 day

Today I'm having the 5th chemo cocktail  of TCHP.   The doctor said my tumor is gone! Yay!  I have to schedule surgery but we will continue herceptin every 3 weeks up to and after surgery. She also said my immune system is down which she would expect to see. I just need to stay away from crowds (the boys need to as well so no one gets sick) if I get sick I could end up in the hospital :(. We don't want that.

Sweet note from sister with my breaskfast: 

Today I have been very teary! I have cried at the drop of a hat!  Lots of loving support,which means so much. Lots of unknowns, which are scary and just an overwhelming sense of no control over my life. It's hard.  All the while trying to make sure my kids have a good childhood and not effected too much by me being sick. I was told my immunity is really low at the moment so the chemo is doing   its job but it means I can get sick easily!  So need to keep away from those that are sick :(

My sweet friend Ashley came to visit today, bring me food and milk for CB .  Love the laughs and comiserating shared!   Really miss that girl! She means more to me than she knows!  Meant a lot she came from Jax to just hang out a few hours while in town visiting. 

Hoping for a good next week and no sickness! 

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #muchlove

Crazy week! Hurricane, no power and more!

Sorry I have been MIA, but we have had no power for 5 nights and 5 days. We lost power around 8:30/9ish on Thursday night and got it back last night (Tuesday) around 7:30 and got back cable/internet!  The last is the big thing, as I work from home and the thought of having chemo side effects at someone else's house made me cry last night. Totally minor inconveniences and first world problems, but huge relief to have all of those things back!

We were lucky, we had a generator, which kept the baby's milk frozen. Had we lost all of that, I would have cried for sure!  It helped keep me cool, when we ran the fans and wall ac unit, which was good. If I get too hot I get nauseous, and definitely had some moments this past week. I haven't been drinking enough water due to being out of normal routine, so I am dehydrated which is messing with my tummy, well that and all the carbs we have been eating, as we have been doing tons of grab and go so we did not have to cook in the heat.

This morning it was nice to walk out the door and not hear generators running. Our toddler, walked over to where the generator was and said "Mama, no generator.. generator gone. MAMA, generator GONE" yes sweet boy, we put it up.

Still tons of people without power and some without internet and cable as well. Again, first world problems but when you are used to something it is hard to go without. I have noticed the nastiness of people over the past 6 days. I think we as Americans, have gotten used to getting things NOW. So when people were out of power for 4 hours, some nastiness came out, now that we are on 6 days with people without, there are a lot of ANGRY people. But the linemen are working so fast and such long hours (18-20 hour days) trying to get everyone up and running. We were hit hard with tons of trees, power lines and power poles down. Large trees pulled up by their roots, lying on top of houses. My cousin had a tree on her house. A friend lost their house. We were not wading around with dead bodies around us (like when Katrina hit), we did not go 3.5 months without power (like south Fl did when Andrew hit). We really got away unscathed by Hermine!  We are lucky! So very lucky!  No power is a minor inconvenience, no reason to get nasty. Just be thankful. It could always be worse.   I did learn that if something major happens, that the thieves will be out stealing. As they were driving and walking around slowly looking at generators.  One group even started to walk up our driveway, when i stood up on the porch to ask how i could help them. He quickly jumped back in the car and drove off.. Sorry buddy, not getting ours!  This storm definitely showed true colors from a lot of people. I wish I had not seen some of these colors. We had food, we had access to food, shelters etc. We were not in tents dying from heat, getting eaten up by bugs. #couldalwaysbeworse #bethankful #benice

I am getting nervous for chemo #5 on friday but excited my sweet friend Ashley will be in town for the game and will come spend some time with me!  Hoping to get some sleep as well!  I am going to take it easy this weekend in hopes that it will help with any side effects. Only two more TCHP treatments. Then a little break before surgery, which scares the bejesus out of me, then 6 Herceptin only. Then surgery again at some point to get the port out.  This whole process brings tears to my eyes. It has been so humbling and terrifying. I no longer look like me, or feel like me, but I have some amazing people around me who just want me to be well. I have a toddler who comforts me when I cry. Who asks "Mama sad?"  Yes baby mama is sad. I hope he never remembers these days, at least the bad ones, but always remembers how much I love him and the love we have shared. The nose rubs, the random hugs and kisses he gives me. He is such a loving boy, I could not be more proud of him, even if he does drive his daddy crazy!

My parents have been a huge help! Sweet mama has picked up the baby so I could go elsewhere to work when I had no power. She been able to give JB one on one time which he needs some days. We have been able to have hot showers at their house and just have extra hands when i have been alone at night due to hubs working.  My in laws are always willing to help as well!  And my sister, goodness she even with no power kept JB yesterday, and pumped in the car to produce milk for CB. Which by far is the most amazing gift ever!  To have her as a wet nurse is an unbelievable gift!

So in conclusion, I am so thankful, humbled and happy!  A little nervous but happy that the tumor seems to be gone!  Keep me in your thoughts friday and next week please!  Need all i can get!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Some pics from the storm 

Off NC coast 

My area:

Pushing through

I was told by a survivor how much she admired me, since she knew how rough Chemo is and she had issues without small children at home. It is rough but those small children push me through. The unexpected toddler hugs "Hug please", the smiles from the baby when he sees my face, all of those things help me push through, get out of bed and make the most of every day. They truly are the reasons why I am getting through this treatment.

While getting fluids on friday. A young woman with a baby around 3-4 months old was getting lab work and seeing the oncologist. I teared up as I watched her awkwardly hold the baby while juggling the diaper bag, paper work and trying not to hit her newly blood drawn site. The babies toy dropped I jumped and grabbed if for her awkwardly stating I have a 4 month old at home. We exchanged glances and quickly looked away after both giving reassuring smiles. I don't know her story  or where she is in treatment. I do know she's a mom of a little one like me I know I hope she's through her treatment, instead of beginning treatment. I know that baby girl had the prettiest blue eyes and that her mom loves her.  No one should ever have cancer but especially not babies, kids and new moms.  I'm still thankful it's me and not my kids! So thankful!

This weekend I was able to get out and about. I really thought I had overdone it as I cleaned the house really well! Still have a few rooms to do but at least the main areas and the bedroom are clean and the floors are too! Really really hoping I didn't over do it!  This weekend was really nice. We spent the entire thing as a family and got lots of laughs in!  JB was quite comical this weekend. We actually let him have sugar and now i remember why we don't let him eat it often. .OMG crazy!  He does this little jig when he is up to no good and will run away with whatever he wants and throws or hides it somewhere thinking yoiu cant get to it and will even block it with his body from you. Oh my, he makes me laugh!  So lots and lots of laughing this weekend, which was much much needed!

Hoping this week is just as good as this weekend (actually hoping it is even better)  even trying to make plans to see a movie this weekend!

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Feeling rough...

Hi everyone!  So far this week has been pretty rough!  Poopiness along with battling nausea (meds are barely touching it), nosebleeds that make my bed look like I was attacked, low blood pressure, lack of sleep, swollen glands and general just not feeling like me has been the new norm.  Last night I finally got some sleep!  I feel like a different person at the moment. Hoping it lasts through the day!  

Last night around 3 am when little bit woke up, I hugged him and cried. I just want to see him graduate from high school.. maybe even college but at least high school. Get married if he wants. I feel so crappy some days I wonder if that will happen. Not a fun feeling. Not fun at all not knowing if you will see your kids grow up. To be frank, it really sucks!  I try not to think about that but it happens, the thoughts creep up. People say they know how I feel or they understand. They don't. I know they think they do, and some have a good idea, as they have gone through something similar but all of it, the feeling like poop, the thoughts of not seeing your kids grow, it all accumulates and sometimes takes over, like a dark cloud smothering the sun. I keep looking for the sun, and keep my eye on that shimmer of light that always comes through. 

When people say they understand I try to say, "thanks", it is getting harder and harder. It is getting harder to push away the thoughts I want to say to the people who push their beliefs on me. I am at a point that I just can't deal with it. I try so hard to respect people, their beliefs, their privacy, that is it is really hard when i do not get the same in return, especially now. I also appreciate everyone trying to help but taking my kids away, isn't helping. I like them.... a lot, they are the ONLY reason, I am pushing through the way I am. No way I would be upright without them. Come play with them, but don't take them. I worry about them, I don't sleep when they are gone and in a different place than they are used too. I worry, I know it's crazy to some, but I do. I really love my kids. I really love their personalities and even the sleepless nights. Before long they won't need me or I won't be here. Until then, I  want every moment I can get with them. Even if that sounds crazy to you. 

I'm sorry if I haven't responded to calls or texts. Laying pretty low at the moment, resting and unplugging when I can!  I do appreciate them all though!  This week has hit me really hard. I did not expect to feel bad until at least this weekend, so feeling bad now really threw me for a loop, so seeing the messages really helps!

Please keep the positive thoughts coming my way that these symptoms pass quickly and that I can keep looking for that light (not the light to go into but the sunshine light)!  Feeling like a constant hangover drains you for sure! Though I am loving all the snuggle time I am getting in with the boys!  They sure do know how to make this mama feel special and loved! 

Thank you for everything!  I appreciate you guys!  Hope you have an amazing day! 

Love Jamie 

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Chemo #4 aftermath

Chemo #4 went well. I thankfully got a great spot and was able to sleep!  Today (monday, day #3 post chemo) I feel like poop!  I am very very very nauseous. I am sure part of it is lack of sleep. 3 nights in a row with insomnia, I literally stared at the kids willing myself to be asleep like they were. They were so sweet, and snuggly and soundly asleep like good little children. Yet Mama was awake and not sleeping like a good little Mama. So I am going from 4 hours friday night, 4.21 sat night to 3:45 sunday night. Not good. not good at all. I got up at 6 and worked out bc well I was awake, the kids were awake so why not. Big mistake. I am already dehydrated so the work out I think through me into a bigger dehydration bucket. Trying hard to get the fluids in me as I am super super nauseous!

But that work out is all worth it, as my tot is my little workout buddy. He tells me to lay down when it is time to do push ups and lays on my back saying "mama lay down, me lay on back, me help you work out"  Yes little buddy you push me to be a better person!  Every. Single. Day!

So today I am tired and nauseous but hoping I get better as the day goes by!

Thanks for the calls and love!  Sorry I haven't gotten back to anyone!  Unplugged for most of the weekend with the boys!  They are so sweet!  But I really appreciate it!

#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis

Chemo #4 this week!

Chemo #4 is around the corner. "How do I feel?", seems to be the question of the hour. I feel tired. It is the odd tired. Where your body is just exhausted, and your mind is moving 200 mph through what all needs to be done, who needs calls back, thank you cards to write, what you missed at work, will you get through this, how much you love your kids and much much more. It feels at times I am looking at myself from above me. I know it is me, I see a version of me in the mirror, but it isn't the me i am used too. It is very surreal.  I am asked how I am. I am okay. I would love to say, "Great" all the time but some days at that moment when asked, I just want to say, "great!"  The sad looks when people see I have cancer, the tears in someone's eyes or  vibration in their voice when they ask how i am or when I am honest about how I feel, is sometimes too much to bare. They expect me to say not good, but I want to be normal. I want to be great. I want my kids to have the mom they deserve. I want to be at my fullest potential. i want to  be a good wife to my husband. I want to be great!  Today i am tired but great. I truly am. I am used to being tired. I feel like even without cancer I would be tired because I would be up nursing an infant.  I am nervous about chemo #4 but I am good. I am anxious at times, but then I am good! It comes in waves. So if I tell yoiu I am great!  Trust me, at that moment I am!  No sad eyes, no sad voice, just know, at that moment I believe it. Chemo 4 may be coming for me, but I am coming for it!  just 3 more TCHP cocktails and then I am off to just Herceptin!  The one drug in that mix that I need to kill this and which will help me be able to say i am great a lot!

here is to feeling great!

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #todayiamgreat

Day 3- 5 post chemo #3

I started writing this on day 3 when it was gloomy outside which fit my mood perfectly. I am thankful I am not worse, but definitely am feeling nauseous, exhausted (which has to do partly to my 2 sweet babies), and poopy.  I am so thankful for the sweet messages and calls. I even had one friend call a movie theater and got the manager to agree to let me watch the movie with just them in a room before the masses arrive. I mean I have the best friends! I am so lucky to have such an amazing village around me. Those near or far, doesn't matter, everyone makes sure I know they are there for whatever I may need.

I am sorry to those who I haven't been able to talk to on the phone or a call is cut short. During the day I am working and have to be on the phone for work and by the time i get to my kids all i want is to pay attention to them. Once they are in bed i am too. leaves very little time to connect. So I  am sorry!  Time seems to go by so fast.

Today is day 5 post chemo and I am tired, nauseous which seems to be the new norm now. At least I know and at least it isn't worse than it could be! Thankful, very thankful it is not worse!

Everyone wants to know how they can help and really there is nothing to do. I need sleep and unfortunately I have two small kids that I love so I do not want time away from them, and no one else can sleep for me. I will push through. they are definitely worth it!

Hoping this weekend will be a great weekend and my body has finally gotten somewhat used to these toxic meds being fed into me.

Have a fabulous day!
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Love
Jamie

Day 1 and 2 post chemo #3

The It's day 1 post chemo.  Baby woke up at 5 am. Finally got husband up like 6:30 to help with baby only to late as by then tot was stirring. Everyone in my house has missed the "mom just had toxic waste pumped in her body and needs sleep". Even the eldest who says he understands but treats me like normal. I should be happy he treats me like normal but at this moment I'm exhausted, nauseous and my eyes keep leaking randomly.  I made it through the day with no nap and even went on a dad with the eldest and my daddy. Though went to bed early and slept really good!

Day 2 Woke up before the kids with nauseousness.  I've been exhausted today and have taken it easy. Just have done a light work out in between kids naps and being lazy! 

I swear if it wasn't for these boys I would have spent all day in bed. I just want to sleep! Hoping for an early bedtime so I can hopefully be less of a zombie tomorrow!

The tumor feels smaller already. Though starting to freak out over surgery. Not picking up my tot for at least 2 weeks possibly up to 6 freaks me out as well as if they say I can't pick up the baby. I do so much for them. And most of the time am the only one home. Seriously freaking out.  I'll feel better when I have a date for the surgery.  Focusing now on getting into shape so surgery recovery will be easier!  

Thanks for all the messages and love!

Hoping everyone is having a great day!

#fightinglikeagirl  #wegotthis

Chemo day

Today was crazy!  Baby woke us up at 4 by 5 the entire house was up. I'm beyond exhausted. I hate being asked "are you fatigued" uh yeah I have a 3 month old at home what do you think?   

So we were 30 mins late today which didn't matter as they were super late. They tried to schedule chemo next time for 7:30am and I just laughed!  No way we can make the on time. 

We got another crappy spot which made it impossible to sleep. 

I'm tired so, very tired. Deon came to visit and brought me hats. That was fun and appreciated.  I've had no lunch only breakfast. I can't get warm and m just over all exhausted. I'm definitely not my chipper self. I think they left off the anti anxiety drugs which are very much needed. 

Still have about 30 mins today before we can get out of here. I'm ready to go!

Hope everyone had a good day!

Much love!

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Nervousness setting in, but thankful

The nervousness for chemo on Friday is setting in. Just as it does, I seem to hear from just the right people who say just the right things. The emails, texts, calls, cards, they all seem to come right as I need it. I have been very emotional lately so getting sweet messages makes me super happy!  I know part of my emotional state is due to sweet little Fletcher and his fight!  I am so so so so so thankful that it is me going through having cancer and chemo and not one of my babies. So while I am nervous to see what my labs say, I am thankful this is happening to me.  Part of the nervousness is I do not think the tumor has shrunk as much as it did in the beginning, this go around. Makes me think that the tumor wasn't really 8 centimeters and really looked bigger than it was due to me nursing and all the milk in there.  That makes me really nervous that maybe the treatment isn't working as well as we thought it was. I keep pushing the thoughts to the back in my head, but they still creep up to the front from time to time. I am nervous on how I will react this time to the treatment. Will I be sick day 4 and 5 or 7-11 like last time or will it be totally different?  From my support groups, #3 usually is not too bad, most people said #2, 4, 6 are the worst. Not sure why that is. I am going to ask for lots of fluids again this time to see if that helps!

I am trying to enjoy feeling good right now. All laundry is getting done, house cleaned, lots of playing with the boys, all leading up to the next few weeks. Oh I love waking up to those sweet boys. Those smiles and giggles!

I am so thankful that another friend has reached out to me to give me her extra breast milk!  Between sweet friends and my sister miraculously being able to lactate again, my sweet baby boy is getting good milk along with the best formula i could find.   He is latching on to my sister more and more every day which is helping her supply get greater daily!  That sweet, stubborn, amazing sister of mine.  I am not sure what I would do without her!  She takes care of me, my kids, is my wet nurse, my cheerleader, best friend!  Goodness, I am not sure what I have done to deserve her but I am sure glad I have her!  

I really cannot complain!  Thank you for all of your support and love!  I know I keep saying it but it is really true, i couldn't get through this without you guys!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Great weekend

This weekend was great!  I felt great!  I had a visit from a dear friend! The kids were sweet and lovable. I got to visit with my parents a bit. Overall very good upswing to  this fridays Chemo date!

I am definitely nervous about Friday. I mean I know what to expect during that day, it is more the aftermath. Every time I have chemo, things change slightly. Makes it hard to plan. I feel bad telling people I cannot, or let's play it by ear. But the truth is, I do not know if I will feel okay to do something. As much as i want to see people, sometimes I just need to rest or be close to a bathroom. Even visiting with K on sat wore me out. The kids and I were in bed super early, as I was exhausted!

I am super emotional today. I am  sure it has to do with me no longer  nursing and all of those hormone changes that go along with that, along with the sadness out there in the world. I keep choosing happiness. Which is easy when i see my kids giggle. When they are playing and smile. When they give me a big smile and hug when they see me.

It was a great weekend and every moment I spend with the kids is a blessing even when I am being woken up. Life is a gift, and we are not promised the next day. Smile, be kind, and love!

Little Fletcher

Heard some devastating news last night that I really hope turns into good news!

The sweet lady who gave me 230 oz of her frozen breast milk stash, is currently waiting for her 6 month old to undergo brain surgery for a brain tumor.  This all stemmed from one of his eyes twitching the drs thinking he will probably have to wear glasses but let's get a MRI to make sure nothing else is going on, to oh there is a tumor go straight to the hospital and get checked in, to a 2nd MRI and now brain surgery.

Now I know how she is feeling as a mom and as a person who has heard the words, "you have cancer"  I know the emotions I would be feeling if the words were"you child has a tumor and we need to do brain surgery" I know  where her mind is going and where it is fighting to go, more than likely. I hated seeing my child have a GASH in his head from the fan at the zoo. I remember breast feeding him was blood is coming out, with me holding his head as tight as i could with one hand, and his body with the other, as i am running through the Jax Zoo as no one seemed to be able to get us on their cart, and me not knowing how bad it was and if I would see brain if i let go, so I held on. I sad holding my baby tight in the backseat of the car as his daddy drove carefully to the pedi ER. I watched as they poured saline over and over trying to clean it with my poor kid screaming. I watched as they put staples and stitches in his head, and i watched as he passed out from exhaustion. I stayed strong until i got alone and then broke down. My baby.... thankfully he was very resilient and a little tylenol helped. Now i imagine her situation and oh wow.. i know F will be a strong little boy and be as resilient as J was. I know that because she is breastfeeding and as long as he has her, he is good. I imagined my sweet pumpkin that is not nursing going through this and I tell you what, I would quit chemo asap just to be able to produce milk again to help him through this. There is no way I wouldn't.   F will be resilient and has Joanna to hold him tight. I am sending her huge hugs to wrap her in the strength she needs to make it through all of this, so that she can hold him tight!  No mother should have to go through this! Yet they do.

Many hugs Joanna!  I can never thank you enough for helping out my little guy!  I will send tons of love your way!  I can at least do that!


***UPDATE*** I am just going to update this post as i hear new things. They were unable to operate. They were able to get a biopsy, which from the looks, looks like cancer.  They are meeting with a Ped Oncologist today to discuss options, one of which is Chemo :(  I so wish they had been able to operate. The thought of that sweet pumpkin going through what I am make me so sad!

2nd UPDATE** the surgeon accidentally got some brain tissue so they had to go in twice to get the tumor. They think 18 months of Chemo will at least halt, if not shrink and/or get rid of the tumor. The tumor is entangled with the optic nerve and major blood vessels. Poor little thing is in  pain from surgery and being intubated 3 times but has been able to nurse, which I know would make me a happy mama and I know it made him a happy baby! very thankful Joanna is able to nurse!  Will make the next 18 months of his life much easier! He had to have a blood transfusion from losing so much blood. That makes me cry!  I just keep thinking "what if that was me"  Which makes me hold my boys even tighter!

To keep following along this sweet boys fight, please go to: https://www.facebook.com/FletchersFight/?fref=ts


Love
Jamie!

Things could ALWAYS be worse

Today I am reminded, that things could ALWAYS be worse. I mean we ALL have bad days. When we have those days we have choices. We can wallow in the bad, horrible, no good things that have happened to us.  Or... we can rise above and realize that there is someone out there that has it worse than we do!

Now some of you are like, yep, you are right!  Some of you are like, uh she is crazy my day was so bad. She just hasn't heard about my day.  You are right. I haven't.  You could be that person that has it worse than I do. If you are, I am so sorry! I hate that you are going through this and more. It sucks!  But I am sure, you have someone that has it worse that you do!

I will not go into my day, as I do not want to vent, but let's just say it was a bad, horrific, no good day. But the upside is I get to spend time with my sister as we go to the infusion center today. I get to see my sweet babies in a few hours and get their hugs, kisses and smiles. I get to come home to cook in a house I own. I get to sleep in a warm bed in a cool house. So even though I had a few bad things happening, so many more and better good things are happening too. I just have to shift my brain from rehashing the bad things, to rehashing all the good things.  It takes some work, and time, as we are a society that likes gossip and bad things. We focus, our attention to so much bad, we tend to forget all the good.

We all need to slow down, look at the good, smell the flowers,  give out peace and love to others by treating them how we would want to be treated. Too much anger and hostility. Not enough peace, acceptance and love!

If you have a bad day, try to look for some good. I promise it will turn your day around!  You are pretty awesome, and it could ALWAYS be worse!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis