Day 124 -2012. Leaving on a Jet Plane Part 1

I'm leaving on a jet plane not sure when I'll get back again... Lol. At least that is how it feels. At least now I am super excited since my getting ready to leave work stress is gone and I can focus on my impending trip. Being away from m eldest cat will be the hardest part of the trip. The dogs and the youngest cat will be fine. It's my Chance who will miss his mommy the most. And I will totally miss him. He's my shadow and the cutest little cuddler around. Excited to see friends and make new ones. It's been nice hearing from so many people who are willing to make time out of their busy schedules to spend time with moi. Makes me feel sooooooo loved. Even looking forward to sharing a bed for a week with one of my besties. Hopefully I will be able to help her stay calm this week and get her married off to an amazingly perfect man for her. Makes my heart smile.!

Be kind to others even when it is difficult. Good things come to those who are patient and yes bad things come too but I'd like to think at least the bad makes you appreciate the good even more! Find the good in your day and relish in it. Mine is I'm leaving on a jet plane to go see some amazing friends and celebrate them and their new life together!!!!

Have a fabulous day and thanks for reading!

Day 123 -2012. Last day before vacation

Whoo hoo hoo today is my Friday. I get to leave the craziness that is my job and livelihood behind for 11 whole days. Wow. 11 days. That's a long time. Hopefully will be enough time to let my stress level return to a low number and make me remember why I love my job and the people that I work with (well most of them). Lately there has been turmoil and people being thrown under busses. Trains almost hitting me, I've definitely been ran over by the bus a few times. Lol funny because all I want to do is come inane do a good job. I want my clients happy and not be bored. I can honestly say I am never bored. Never a moment to breathe. I feel like I run at full throttle until 5 then I crash. It is like all my energy is sucked out of me by demanding people with unrealistic demands. I scream for help and it falls on deaf ears. It takes multiple days of screaming before anyone listens. I can only hope things calm down before I get back. Lol. Funny I even think it could. But I do like looking on the positive side of things so I choose to believe it will be better and that all I need is distance and some recharging time!!!!!

Here's to a fun wedding extravaganza week, lots of laughs and lots of de-stressing. Whoo hoo hoo today's my Friday. It will be busy but oh so rewarding!!!

Have a fabulous day y'all!!!

Day 122 - 2012 Crazy Town

Some days I feel like I have been plopped into Crazy Town, where people are taking crazy pills and partying it up. Yes I know that sounds crazy,  but that is how I feel today. People are losing it, which is making me lose it a bit. The only thing grounding me is Mommy and B. It's crazy how B can calm me by the sound of his voice or his smell. Kinda of nice.

Here's hoping today (since I started this yesterday and just finished this morning). Is better than yesterday. Whoo hoo today's my Friday

Day 121 - 2012 Hot mess kind of day

Since May 4th my life has been in chaos, I have no idea if I am coming or going most days. I have implemented some really life changing  changes.  Some that I never thought I would. Funny, when you see yourself through someone elses eyes and realize something you love, is not so good for you. I am on day 10 of those changes. It has been hard, but not as hard as I ever thought it would be.  I am stubborn, which is sometimes not so good, but in this case, it is good. It keeps me focused on my end goal of being a better person.  A person who does not rely on other things/people to keep her happy or to help her function.  A fog has been lifted and I see clearly now. (I feel like breaking into song.. "I see clearly now, the rain is gone") BWHAHAHA.  I love me and my quirky personality.  I love it when others tell me the love it too.  I know it takes a lot to appreciate me. I like to think it is my way of weeding out those who give up easily.   Some days I really do feel there is no one out there for me.  I know B loves me.. but we are a long ways from being in love.  We are friends exploring if we want to move forward. I keep waiting on him to be back to Mr. Playful.  He has been so busy, and usually I am the busy one.  Well I have been but I still make time for him and my friends. I know how to balance it all (or most days do).  I keep waiting for his ah-ha moment,  I just wonder if anyone will have that ah-ha moment with me and just know, without hesitation that I am the one for them. Probably not, as I always put up walls.  I cannot bare the thought of having my heart broken again.  This time I am not putting up walls, I have jumped feet first, but he has not. He had, then jumped back out. Story of my life.

Today I am a hot mess, I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment, I physically do not feel well. Needing the feeling to pass  before Friday.  Lots to do and not much time left.  Getting super nervous about being gone for that long.  Hoping things will calm down on all fronts in my life.  These waves keep crashing into me.  I keep wondering if I will learn to surf/swim or drown.. hoping the first choice. I like swimming and surfing, but am getting super tired.   Ready for some of my chaotic-ness to well be less chaotic.. though that would make my life a little less boring, but I am ready for boring. I am ready for a breather.  One day at a time.. lol  wish I could keep that in the forefront of my mind.  Sink or swim baby.. sink or swim.. I think I will swim for now :D

Day 120 -2012 Life is Short

Today I am reminded how short life is. My Uncle was taken from us way before his time. His suffering has ended but his loss has affected many.   So many people get taken away from us. Some in a timely manner, they grow up lead full lives, others as children before they have had a chance to live.    Makes it seem kind of silly to run away from the possibility of being hurt when others have the ones they loved ripped away from them.

We never know when that day will come for us or those we love.  We can only live each day like it is the last. Never waste a day, by not telling those you love that you love them or not doing something you really want to do.  As tomorrow may not come.  Each day is a gift, treat it as such. Never waste a moment on what ifs.  Live life to the fullest!

Thanks for reading!  Enjoy your gift of today!

Day 119-2012. Safe Choice

I was once told. Marry a man who loves you more than you love him and you will always be happy. I had that once or so I thought. But I was wrong and he was what i thought of as a safe choice. I actuality he loved himself more than me.

I am usually the one who loves more than the other person even if I do nt realize it. During those times I think it's equally shared. I mean why would I not trust what the other person says they feel? I know I know they mean it at the time. But what good is that, if they cannot communicate the opposite as well. How hard is it to say 'I know I thought I had all these feeling and at the time I did. But now not so much. So sorry'.

I think for the person who does the most loving they are the ones more brave and my vulnerable. They put themselves out there knowing they could get hurt, yet do it because that's who they are. They are afraid of being hurt but know the rewards way out way the hurt if it works out. I would much rather be the brave one than the one that chooses the safe choice. The safe choice doesn't excite me or challenge me. The safe choice always makes me look for more. I can only hope one day that the person I'm brave enough to love. Loves me back with everything he has and doesn't want the safe choice either.

Day 118-2012. Parentals

Yay parentals came to visit. We hung out in my newly decluttered house. I have tons to go but it is starting to shape up. Wish I could get rid of dog and old people smell but I keep trying. Figured out instead of refinishing the floors I'm going to go with laminate wood floors. That makes me excited as I have a plan and mom and dad have some blue paint, I can use for the dining room yay! I love plans! I love clean houses. But now I am not sure what to do about with myself. I should keep declutttering buttttttt I am trying to be lazy. Though it's not working out so well for me. I cannot sit still for the life of me. But I digress, so they came and hung out. Then we went to Carmine's Pie House to eat. Yummy!!!! We browsed through the antique store. And I love how the owner treated us completed different than when I got in their alone or with B. Soo much nicer more talkative. I know she thought she would get a sale and she almost did. Wish I could afford to buy the parentals what mom wanted. It was a pretty bench. Then we just hung out it was a very nice day.

Day 117-2012 Hard work

Does hard work pay off? Hmm I would love to say yes. I would love to say that. But lately. I am thinking not so much. Working out, cleaning your house yes it pays off. But with relationships and actual work, there are no guarantees. Other peoples personalities and wants get in the way. You can put all effort into something. Yet get nothing in return. So what do you do? Do you go against your nature and give up? Or do you keep fighting? When is enough enough? Sooooo many questions. I can only hope that if I stay true to myself. What should happen will. I will keep working hard in all aspects of life because that is who I am. And at the end of the day. I have to look me in the mirror!

Make your choice to work hard despite the circumstances or potential outcome. Always put your best foot forward and be the best you that you can be!!!!

Day 116 -2012 Control

When I get stressed I look to what I can control. Usually it begins with cleaning. I will clean, declutter, purge, do anything I can to get control over some part of my life. It works out well. My stress level stays low and I get a clean house. It's a win win :-). It helps me stay smiling and not let the stress of life get to me. Right now I need that control. For the first time in a long time. My love life is in chaos without me ever wanting a love life, work life is in chaos without me wanting changes and there is a possibility of me moving my life to somewhere else, which is scary and exciting all at once. I like being happy with me and knowing how to control my stress. It feels good to know that I have control over me. For the longest time, I had no control and was such an unhappy girl. Feels good to know even during a very chaotic time in my life. I'm able to control parts and keep myself a very happy girl without needing to lean on anyone else. Yay for control and happiness

Have a great day!!!!

Day 115-2012. Back to Reality

Reality bites somedays. I wish I could stay in fantasy land where houses are always clean, animals clean up after themselves, people stay in love, people do what they say and say what they mean. People are respectful, hard work wins out. And everyone gets why they want

Oh noooooo reality bites! Life has its ups and downs. At the moment. I'm drowning. I have too much on me and I cannot breathe. I keep trying to swim. But, something pulls me down the harder I fight to stay afloat. I long for the days where my magic 8 ball was always correct and gave me amazing guidance.

Back to reality means swimming fast and holding my breath. Hoping i do not sink to the bottom. Can I do it?? Only time will tell!!!

Day 114 -2012 Purging

I have been in such a purging mood. I wish I could stay home and just finish purging. But not so much a part of  my plan for today. Silly work is getting in the way.  5 years in one house leads to a lot of accumulation. So I need to purge. Purging distracts me from thinking too much. I'm a girl I get it honestly. funny how goals and life plans can change in a blink of an eye. No guarantees that promises will last. People change their wants and needs change (daily sometimes). The only thing you can control is you. So I am purging as I can control that!!!!

Day 113-2012 Indecisiveness

It's funny when two indecisive honest people come together it's like a dance. They share. Sometimes over share. Sometimes under share. Both make decisions based on things that could change at any given moment. Both try to do the right thing by others. Sometimes they are selfish and sometimes giving. Both try to keep up with the other but sometimes one gets spun off the dance floor. No one knows how the dance will end or if they'll be together or apart. But wow is the dancing part fun!!!!!

Day 112-2012 Bitter Sweet

Wow. So much has happened. Two worlds went into chaos a little over a week ago. I feel like 10 years went into a weekend. Such strong feelings and an amazing connection. It's what people wait a life time for. Silly distance and obligations throw in a few challenges. Hopefully nothing good communication and a little hard work cannot overcome.
Waking up with those strong arms around me, that smell that intoxicates me, those kisses that I cannot get enough of. I want to just fade into him. The way I feel when that smirk comes across his face when he's teasing me or when something excites him. How he enjoys telling me no just to make it up to me later with some surprise. Him seeing a side of me that I didn't even know existed. Me cuddle? What? CrAzy!!!! But true. I'm like a cat. I want attention when I want it and when he's around I crave it. I crave his touches, his smell, i cannot stop staring. My fifty, my beautiful Vin Hitler lol (inside joke So sorry), sweet stubborn, Oh so stubborn man who frustrates me, excites me, thrills me all at once. The one that stirs feelings I thought were lost. The one that makes me realize what I am missing. No clue why he popped back up in my life. I'd like to think it is kismet and not another lesson. I'm so tired of life's lessons. I'm ready for my life that includes him. If relocation needs to happen. I'll do it. I'm willing to work harder than I ever have. As not many people make me happier than I already am and make me want to spend time with them. Somethings never change. I still cry when he leaves. I always hated leaving him. And now I hate him leaving me. At least he left his shirt, guess someone didn't want me forgetting him, though it's a symbol of a promise he'll be back for it, at least I hope it is. It will be a month before we can see each other again. Lots of time to think and lots of things may change. At least this was one of the better birthday weekends I have had in a really long time. I was able to reconnect with a lost love. The one who I have no secrets from, then one who I can be the hot mess that I am and know thats when he thinks I'm the cutest! (i have the texts as proof) hehehe So thankful fate threw us together, both having vacations planned with no plans, even if it ends up being just another chapter in our book. Our book is definitely not a boring read. I cannot wait to write it all down, the laughs, the tears, the fights, the making up! Definitely a best seller.
So to wrap this randomness up, I had an amazing birthday with amazing friends. Good food And I got to see someone who knows me better than me most days and loves me in spite of me everyday.
Best birthday present this girl could've asked for!
Bitter sweet. Bitter bitter sweet. Cannot wait to see what the future holds, one day at a time!

Day 111 - 2012. My birthday

Happy birthday to meeeeee!
My birthday always seems filled with turmoil. I never get exactly what I want. Even now. I almost have what I want but a wrench got thrown into the plans. Par for the course. I'm used to it now. I'm never surprised if something falls through. This weekend is bittersweet. Great because I know why I have ridiculously high standards but sad because same issues arise. Just wish they could have waited until tomorrow to surface. So I put on a brave face as move on. Today has been nice and relaxing. I got to walk on the beach and spend time with friends. Good day. Good day

Day 110 -2012 old times

Love hanging out with people who knew me back when and who know me now. This week/weekend so far has been amazing. It's like B has never left my life. Bitter sweet. Sunday will be super sad. Trying not to think about it. Whoo hoo for good times And making lots of memories

Day 109 - 2012 Hot mess kinda day

So I am truly a hot mess.  Well it started last night.  I am excited, I am dressed all pretty and ready for my FAVE Junior league meeting of the year. I am in pearls and a pretty Lilly dress.  I am in my preppiest finest (doesn't happen that often) .

I think, I should get gas, before going, I am low.  Thankfully I did.  I got back in the car.. and it will not crank :( OH NO!!  Well luckily a very nice man came to my rescue and got me running so I at least could make it home.  Also my sweet friend J came to my rescue and followed me home to see if we could get it recharged..... we could not :(  So luckily Phil at Autozone fixed it for me.

Quote from that visit.
Me Do I look like the change your battery herself kind a girl?
Phil: Ma'am I do not judge, no judging here"
Me: It is ok. I am not.. really I am not..

All is back right in the world.. Heidi is back running and I am a happy girl

Happy Wednesday Y'all!

Day 108 - 2012 Birthday Week

It is my birthday week.  Doesn't feel like it.  Yes I am taking off, but the older I get the more I do not care about my birthday.  Mainly due to me forgetting my age most days. I forget a lot the older I get.  I no longer want to be center of attention (I know crazy right?).  I just want a peaceful week and I want to spend the day with some of the people that mean the most to me, eating a very yummy meal at my fave seafood place! No big party, no large dinner with too many friends, just a small quaint yummy meal with some of my fave people.

I had contemplated doing a backyard get together but my backyard needs help. LOL it is quite a sight! I call it eclectic.. others may not but tomato tomato :)

Sometimes I wish I was that girl again, the one who was all about ME and celebrating ME.  Sometimes a glimpse of that girl comes through, and I squash her. I am happy being in the background now. I do not mind stepping up when needed, but I really enjoy sitting back and watching things.  So as much as I am thankful I have amazing friends who want to celebrate me, I am also thankful I no longer feel the need to celebrate me.  I am thankful I can celebrate me all year long by staying true to who I have become and by surrounding myself with people who love me in spite of me!




"There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self."
Aldous Huxley

Day 107 - 2012 Patience

Patience.. hmmm would be nice to have lots of patience.  At this moment, I am on pins and needles and patience is wearing thin.  I cannot wait until wed night to get here.  I can barely sleep at night, with all the information flowing through my head.  The man I loved for years.. will be here in 3 days.. the man who apparently has never stopped loving me.. will be here in 3 days.. I can barely contain my excitement. He can barely contain his.  A little surreal, a lot unexpected.   Tons of mixed emotions, but tons of excitement that comes with those mixed emotions. It has been awhile that someone has caught my attention, and so much of it. I feel like we have spent months catching up.  Crazy to think two people, who let each other go, could go on and live parallel lives; lives of self awareness, change, bettering themselves and both seeking out partners with each others attributes, just to find each other again.  How crazy would that be if it really worked out?  Like a love story out of a movie.. but our personal love story.   Again way way ahead of myself.. but he seems to be thinking the same things.    So today I am working on patience.  Patience to see this through slowly, patience to see him and patience to see where this takes us!  Regardless I still have my friend and that to me is worth sooo much to me!


"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish."
John Quincy Adams

Day 106 -2012. Land of Misfit Toys

Some days I feel like I live in the land of misfit toys. I gravitate to people who need fixing or who have had troubled pasts or who are fixers. We are the ones that are not the norm and beat to a slightly different drum at times. My fave christmas time movie was always the one with the land of misfit toys. I think if the misfits stick together, embrace our issues and individuality then we will do great things. Every issue you work through is a battle scar to be proud of. Doesn't matter that you made the mistake as long as you are truly sorry , learn from it, pay the price, and make amends. Doesn't matter what others think as long as you forgive yourself.

Embrace your individuality and the Land of Misfit Toys

Day 105- 2012 World in Chaos

You know when you have a plan. You are following that plan. You like the plan. you like the end goal. Then all of a sudden a road block. Now small ones no problem, but sometimes, sometimes you have a hole in the plan or the plan disintegrates before your eyes. It's like a dream/nightmare, it happens in slow motion, you replay it over and over like an old movie, you analyze how it could have happened what could be prevented, any possible answers for this now failed plan. Your world is thrown into chaos. You can rise above the chaos and figure out a new plan. You can ride the waves of the chaos and hope for a good outcome, you can dwell on the failed plan and be taken down into a chaotic spiral in which you cannot recover. I like to think I would do option 1 or 2. I am trying not to remember that the definition on insanity is doing the same thing over and over but hoping for a different result.

My plan for my life was pulled out from under me yet again yesterday. Someone who I closed the book on a long time ago busted in again. It thrills me and scares me and makes me remember so much of what once was my plan at one point of my life before I diverted to many other plans. I want to believe this time will be different. We are different, we want more of the same things.... Then we have to deal with distance. Who moves? Am I way ahead of myself? Yes yes I am. But still that question lingers as I feel like that question has always been why we never move forward with us. I'm scared we'll break our own hearts again. And I am not sure I could survive that hurt again. It feels different this time, until that question comes up and it always comes up. So I have to decide to rise above or ride out. I know I don't want to spiral down. I thrive on chaos so maybe I will put my brain aside for a bit and just ride out and embrace the chaos. Embrace not having a plan quite yet but knowing that I am still working towards that new plan.

Cheers to chaos and happy cinco de mayo!!!!

Day 104 -2012 Wrong choices

I make a lot of wrong choices. I do not mean too, they just happen.  I chose one way to work and that is packed, I choose another and it is even worse.  I always think I am getting a faster line at the grocery store and EVERY TIME even if it is shorter, it ends up being longer.  My love life, buying a house, every choice I make seems to not be the smartest choice I could have  made.  (side note I started this blog post on a Thurs, it is now Friday and wow at what has happened).

So, I make a lot of wrong choices.  I always have.  If you tell me I cannot do something, I will do it to spite you.  I am stubborn and smart a deadly combination.  I have a quick temper that leads me to irrational choices. Luckily I have learned to control this somewhat. (I did say somewhat)  I have learned to control my high maintenance qualities to only look high maintenance (most days).  So I understand that I have made a lot of irrational choices, choices because I was selfish, choices because I was defying someone, choices because I wanted to keep someone, lots and lots of choices.  They are mine, I own them.  Whatever the reason I still chose them. They are why I am who I am today.  Love me or leave me, I am me and I am me through those many many choices.  Each choice, lead me down a path to even more choices.  If you give me a boy based on a resume alone, I will pick the one that is right for me.  The one that will be an amazing partner.  If you give me a boy based on looks alone, one is preppy clean cut, very "good boy looking" and one that is clean cut but has a tattoo showing slightly, I would choose the tattoo boy.  Give me the same almost bad boy next to someone who looks bad, tattoos everywhere, doesn't give a F@CK.. I will chose him every time. Now the rational me knows that is the wrong choice, but on gut reaction only I will chose that guy. Now if you give me the resume and the look, then the middle boy is who I would chose.  Why?  Well I am sure it is because i am not a "good girl"  I am a girl who has a wild side.  I like my wild side, and bad boys bring that out.  The rational me knows I need someone in the middle like me, but the irrational me loves a good thrill.

So that leads me to my recent life.  I have been in a good place (except for this week with the visit of Aunt Flo.. she messes with my head something fierce).  I never want to go back to that dark place I was in. I was not fun and it was not fun.  I like the light.  I like being happy and feeling happy.  So lately I have had a few friends that I may have hurt their feelings a bit (and I am sorry) but who really are insistent that I need a man in my life.  That they cannot imagine me without someone... while I cannot imagine me with someone.  I have never been one that imagines myself with someone or with kids.  If I imagine things they do not happen, so i try not to get excited until it happens. I am one who is a realist, I know what could happen and could not, so I just live day to day. There have been very few men that I can say I could imagine myself old with.  I can count the number on one hand and not even use all of that hand.

This morning I heard from two of those men (ironic huh?).  I wake up this morning to a very very sweet voicemail from J (my first kiss), telling me he missed my voice and all sorts of sweet stuff.  However, he had been drinking and well as sweet as it was, I really wish he could talk to me like that sober.  But still sweet. But I know it was the alcohol talking. Made my morning.....

then my world got rocked.  I see a message pop up on my phone from FB from a message from B, then aftet my response I received a phone call immediately.  Oh my sweet 50 shades of effed up B. (like how I threw a 50 Shades reference in there.. totally true). I broke his heart, I broke my heart, I wasn't ready for him back then. He wasn't ready for me. We were not ready for us.  It has been at least 7 years since he dropped out of my life if not longer and bam, back in and all of those feelings rush back. The way he loved me for me and all my shades of effed up.  The way I feel when I see his face, I can feel him near me when I close my eyes. Conversations like we never stopped talking. He's still my best friend after all these years. The one that I want to call on a good or bad day. The one that comes to mind weekly and some weeks daily. The man I have been looking for years for. The man i see having children with, the man i see myself growing old with. The man of my dreams. I have always felt safe with him and can never resist that grin of his.  So maybe that choice was not so bad :)   and after a day of talking back and forth at least I know the love was returned and is still felt. Now I know what I am doing for my birthday and could not be more thrilled.

YAY for wrong choices, sometimes they lead you the exact path you should be on.  Embrace the wrong and the right, for the wrong ones may lead you to something pretty amazing... at least I still hope they do!

Day 103 - 2012 Hot mess anyone?

I am surrounded by all of these people who love me, yet I push them all away at a time when I need them the most. I assume it's a defense mechanism.

We grow up under the impression by that we will fall in love and live a fairy tale life. For some of us that doesn't happen. We grow up. We learn to live alone. We learn not to depend on others. We learn to do it all ourselves.  Most of those who found someone have NO idea what it takes to do things alone (there are some who do it all and kudos to you women, you are seriously super women!). But for those who have never lived along, who only have to worry about part of their family issues.   They do not understand that no one else will do it if the single party doesn't do it.  We have no one to lean on, vent too, call for help or love us.  It is us, we only can depend on ourselves.  Which is amazing and exhausting. It feels amazing to know that I can handle more than I ever dreamed I could, it is nice to know I do not have to take care of another grown person, or worry about what they may or may not do. It is also exhausting. It is exhausting to always make the decisions, to be the one that fixes things, exhausting.  So when I do not want to go out, it is nothing personal, I am exhausted. I want to sit in a house that I pay for and  worked really hard to clean and just relax.  Veg out, not talk, just enjoy being in my world.    I realize this is also me pushing others away.  If I do not have to see the sad looks I do not have to think being single is a bad thing.  I do not have to feel sympathy for something I do not want sympathy for.  I just know I never want to go back to depending on someone else, being their mom etc.  Maybe my standards are high, maybe I am set in my ways, but no one has made me want to say "I do" for forever. Almost, but not quite yet.  Until that day, I will continue being strong, independent, and me!

I am a hot mess, and I recognize that but that is me.  I am a hot hot mess most days.  I cannot keep things in my hand, I trip over my own two feet, I mumble when my brain thinks faster than my mouth will work, my hair is a mess, I cry over nothing, I laugh over everything, a song makes feelings come back that I thought were long gone,  I  am a hot hot mess.   Love me or leave me, I am ME!

Day 102-2012. Too chipper?

Is there such a thing as too chipper or too positive of an outlook? Can someone really always smile and never cry? Always have a sunny disposition even if they learn of tragic news? Or am I just jealous that I cannot keep my disposition sunny? I try to at least fake a smile but even that is sometimes way too hard.  But I seriously doubt people, when I see them always so chipper and smiley.  I think, they must be beating their spouses.  Maybe I am just jealous.  I am jealous that I cannot control myself that much. That I react immediately.  I wish i did not.  I am getting better, but some days, I fail miserably.  Yesterday was one of those days.  I could not get my head above water.  Waves kept knocking me back, it was hard to breathe, I kept trying to keep a smile, but it just kept fading.  The smile became more work than I was willing to give.  I know silly  but sometimes the thought of smiling just is not appealing.  And really I do not need people thinking I am smiling because I am gassy!