You know when you have a plan. You are following that plan. You like the plan. you like the end goal. Then all of a sudden a road block. Now small ones no problem, but sometimes, sometimes you have a hole in the plan or the plan disintegrates before your eyes. It's like a dream/nightmare, it happens in slow motion, you replay it over and over like an old movie, you analyze how it could have happened what could be prevented, any possible answers for this now failed plan. Your world is thrown into chaos. You can rise above the chaos and figure out a new plan. You can ride the waves of the chaos and hope for a good outcome, you can dwell on the failed plan and be taken down into a chaotic spiral in which you cannot recover. I like to think I would do option 1 or 2. I am trying not to remember that the definition on insanity is doing the same thing over and over but hoping for a different result.
My plan for my life was pulled out from under me yet again yesterday. Someone who I closed the book on a long time ago busted in again. It thrills me and scares me and makes me remember so much of what once was my plan at one point of my life before I diverted to many other plans. I want to believe this time will be different. We are different, we want more of the same things.... Then we have to deal with distance. Who moves? Am I way ahead of myself? Yes yes I am. But still that question lingers as I feel like that question has always been why we never move forward with us. I'm scared we'll break our own hearts again. And I am not sure I could survive that hurt again. It feels different this time, until that question comes up and it always comes up. So I have to decide to rise above or ride out. I know I don't want to spiral down. I thrive on chaos so maybe I will put my brain aside for a bit and just ride out and embrace the chaos. Embrace not having a plan quite yet but knowing that I am still working towards that new plan.
Cheers to chaos and happy cinco de mayo!!!!
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