Day 103 - 2012 Hot mess anyone?

I am surrounded by all of these people who love me, yet I push them all away at a time when I need them the most. I assume it's a defense mechanism.

We grow up under the impression by that we will fall in love and live a fairy tale life. For some of us that doesn't happen. We grow up. We learn to live alone. We learn not to depend on others. We learn to do it all ourselves.  Most of those who found someone have NO idea what it takes to do things alone (there are some who do it all and kudos to you women, you are seriously super women!). But for those who have never lived along, who only have to worry about part of their family issues.   They do not understand that no one else will do it if the single party doesn't do it.  We have no one to lean on, vent too, call for help or love us.  It is us, we only can depend on ourselves.  Which is amazing and exhausting. It feels amazing to know that I can handle more than I ever dreamed I could, it is nice to know I do not have to take care of another grown person, or worry about what they may or may not do. It is also exhausting. It is exhausting to always make the decisions, to be the one that fixes things, exhausting.  So when I do not want to go out, it is nothing personal, I am exhausted. I want to sit in a house that I pay for and  worked really hard to clean and just relax.  Veg out, not talk, just enjoy being in my world.    I realize this is also me pushing others away.  If I do not have to see the sad looks I do not have to think being single is a bad thing.  I do not have to feel sympathy for something I do not want sympathy for.  I just know I never want to go back to depending on someone else, being their mom etc.  Maybe my standards are high, maybe I am set in my ways, but no one has made me want to say "I do" for forever. Almost, but not quite yet.  Until that day, I will continue being strong, independent, and me!

I am a hot mess, and I recognize that but that is me.  I am a hot hot mess most days.  I cannot keep things in my hand, I trip over my own two feet, I mumble when my brain thinks faster than my mouth will work, my hair is a mess, I cry over nothing, I laugh over everything, a song makes feelings come back that I thought were long gone,  I  am a hot hot mess.   Love me or leave me, I am ME!