Cancer isnt pretty

Y'all, cancer is not pretty. It is not hearts on facebook or buying items properly color coded for your or your loved ones cancer.  I've gotten lots of "check your boobies" messages lately .  when I look down I do not see boobies. I  see a mangled flatish chest which I must learn to love. It's a slow process. Each day I am more comfortable in me, each day I  see more and more of that woman my husband and kids see.  This is just one aspect of cancer.

Cancer, is ugly. Cancer can be debilitating. Cancer tears families apart, causes financial ruin, lost memories, taking of body parts,  learning to love a new body,  and much more. Cancer is being so tired from treatments,  that it physically hurts to move, yet you still have to get out of bed to take care of your young kids. Cancer causes, crying in the middle of the night, so that no one else hears you, yet somehow your sweet toddler still does, and in his sleep holds you tight. Cancer causes frustration when people are not understanding that you cannot RSVP, because you have no idea how you will feel. You never have enough time to rest and be social. The loss of your body which makes you cry. The caregiver that towels you  off and holds you while you cry. Cancer takes pieces of you, that you never thought you could live with out.  Cancers scars  run so much deeper than you can see. It truly makes you sad when people say, you are cured, when you are only in remission. You want to correct them but you do not want to see that sad look on their face. You know you will never be 100% cancer free. You will always have those cells. You can only hope they never activate again. You are constantly wondering if that ache or pain, or shortness of breath, or lingering headache, is actually cancer back with a vengeance! It is constantly feeling like you are selfish, when you say no, or need help again.   These are a few of the burdens a cancer patient carries. They carry so much than the normal person, even more than their care giver ever sees. Cancer makes you think of leaving your loves before you are ready to leave them. You write notes, and take tons of pictures, just in case.  Cancer causes you to see the world with a new light. You can choose the dark side or look to the light. Either choice takes you down a path that you and you alone will walk. Others may join you for a time, but ultimately, it is YOU, that must walk the cancer path alone. You will enjoy their company, but will always know they will not know 100% of what you are going through, how many thoughts race through your head at all times, the anguish, the pain, the being scared and oh so sad, just to pull yourself back up with a smile, so that your sweet small baby or loved one, will not be effected by what you are going through. The tears flow sometimes for no reason. Sometimes you feel like you are invincible and can conquer the world. Others, like you are down a deep dark hole with no rope to help you up. The cancer path, takes many roads.  Many forks, for you to choose light or darkness. Each step carefully thought out. Each path with it's own trials, tribulations and celebrations. Cancer is not pretty.

I got lucky. My breast cancer is treatable. I will never be cancer free, but I am currently No Evidence of Disease. I have a doctor who listened to my needs. I was proactive and did chemo and a double mastectomy (probably didn't need to. But currently that is the standard of care, so we opted for surgery). We declined radiation, but opted for hormone therapy. I am almost done with Herceptin and will continue on Tamoxifen. That gives the scientists 10 years to come up with some kind of cure. Some vaccine. or legalizing marijuana so we can build a cure from that, something anything. 10 years is a lot time.  A lot can happen in 10 years!  I keep choosing that light path for that reason. I want to meet the girl that will steal my sons heart. I want to see my first grandchild. I want to grow old with my sweet, funny, terribly annoying, very loyal husband and travel the world. I have so much I need to accomplish before I say goodbye to this world and my family. I choose light, in the sea of ugliness that is cancer!

Love
~Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #operationbyebyecancer

Herceptin, Tamoxifen and more

Hi y'all

I had my #15 out of 18 Herceptin treatments yesterday. I also started Tamoxifen. We decided on that instead of Zoladex, as it does not hurt my bones and since I am menopausal i do not have the uterine cancer  risk! This should keep the cancer from coming back since it targets the estrogen in my body to keep it from attaching and creating a tumor (I think that is what it does) I have learned from this entire experience, I was not meant to be a doctor or nurse!

Also my baby turned 1 on Friday. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.  Yesterday i was in chair #24 which was the chair I had my  first chemo in and the chair I pumped my last bit of milk for my baby in. It was a very emotional day. The center was running about 3 hours behind when it was all said and done, so I had a lot of time to think.

Today I am exhausted. Herceptin make me tired and yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks.  This morning is just as bad. Very nauseous. Hoping it is just too much medicine in one day and that this is not going to be a daily thing. positive thoughts its temporary as 10 years of this will not be fun!

Hope y'all have a great day!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #byebyecancer #operationseebabiesgrowup