A double mastectomy kinda hurts

Oh I'm sure you realize a double mastectomy hurts. It's not so much the "biigggg booboo" as my son says, but this annoying I got beaten up sore with a little numbness and a little over sensitive areas that really don't feel good when the baby pinches them with his little pinchers ( those things HURT).

I'm two weeks out (when i started this post I am not 2 and a half weeks out) and it still pains me to hold the baby. I'm exhausted easily. mentally I'm way better. starting to be comfy in my own skin. I cleaned out my bathing suit and lingerie drawers. that helped me a lot! I also cleaned out the closet too!  So many clothes went bye bye!

Mentally each day is a little better. each day I'm learning to love this new me but there are moments that hit you and you cry in the shower. It's the baby shimming down so his head is on my soft tummy instead of my now hard chest so he can nap, that makes you tear up.  It's hard relying on others to help you do day to day tasks. It's not being able to pick up my baby because he's a chunky monkey.  then sweet moments like your husband telling you that you are still beautiful and each day it looks better. Or that he saw a pic of you after you gave birth to your 2nd son and that you looked so beautiful there. I started back work a few hours each day. It has been good to get back to a somewhat normal routine, but goodness I am exhausted.  For some reason, napping, is hard for me. Like really really hard. My mind doesn't shut off. It has been nice resting though. I lay in bed in the quiet. I catch up on DVR or read a book or meditate. I have also started back working out. I am doing the re-bounder (mini trampoline) 10 mins a day and then have been doing either Spin bike for 20-30 mins I am going to try to start back to Country heat since it is 30 mins and line dancing, so I do not have to use my arms if I do not want to but i can if I am up for it.   That will help me!

Each day is better. Each day I am able to have more movement and pick up the baby for longer at a time. Each day I am able to look at myself and feel pretty. But they do not explain well enough how limited your motion will be and how weak you will be. They try to explain things after your surgery when you are all drugged up and cannot remember (that is a huge help let me tell you), but before surgery, it really is not told to you exactly what will happen to you after surgery. No one talks about the mental aspect, the helplessness at your weakness and more. Kinda crazy!

But, I am doing better and that is really all that matters!  Hope this blog post will help someone at some point!

Much love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis
#byebyecancer
#youpickedthewronggirl

Update

Hi y'all 

Happy Monday! Thought I'd keep you up to date on my progress since you are a huge part of this journey! 

Lil bit came home Saturday night after spending the night with my sister since surgery.  Goodness we were happy. Jax and I kept smiles on our faces all night.   My heart was full! Probably wasn't my smartest move for my physical health but mental health wise I needed all my loves home under one roof! Waking up to those sweet baby smiles and giggles makes my heart explode and at a time where I feel like I look like Frankenstein's mangled wife, I need them like I need air or water.  Since he's been home I feel stronger, able to do more, even if I am overdoing it, and just happier as well as more at peace.  

I am still super sore but thankfully barely notice the drain unless someone hits it.  I'm also draining way less fluid and it's getting clearer, so I should be able to get this out wed!  That will be a happy day as I'll be able to move around without thinking about "will I hurt or hit the drain". Plus showering will be way easier!  

I'm thankful for the knitted knockers I have received. (Huge thank you to those who made/secured and got them too me).  It's helping with the transition to being flat chested and serves as a cushion from the kids!  Win win win!

 Y'all it's hard to look down and not see the girls. way harder than I imagined.  I'm literally having to fall in love with a new me!  I'm a stranger to myself when I look in the mirror naked so when dressed those knitted knockers give me the illusion I'm not mangled. I'm doing good at not wearing them all the time but am thankful I have them for those times I just need to see the lovely lumps when I look down :). Truly do not appreciate some things until they are gone.  This journey has taught me to always live every day to its fullest and always try to make a positive impact in the world.  Even the darkest situations you can find a light. I know my friend Alicia who just lost her 8 year battle of pancreatic cancer definitely showed me that. Even on her last day on earth, she had a smile on her face and made people smile. I hope she's looking down at me with a proud smile at how I facing this journey.  There are times in the middle of the night that I cry and cry. But then I get to snuggle with two sweet boys and the tears fade, especially when the tot kisses my tears!  Something about that innocent love that makes everything better! 

Hope y'all have a great day and if it's not great, do something nice for someone else, that should make you smile and change the course of your day!  

Much love to you all! 

Love

Jamie 

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #byebyecancer #youpickedthewronggirl 

I miss my kids

Oh Goodness this experience has taught me how much I love and miss my kids. It hurts how much I miss them. I miss hearing them play and laugh together.

Today is  Herceptin day!

Doctors visit went well. She said my incisions looked great. My blood work is good. My white cells are still low but that is to be expected since I'm still rebuilding from the TCHP cocktail and surgery.  We will start me on a hormone blocker to through me into menopause since Aunt Flo seems to be trying to come back.  And then zoladex for a year at least. Have to get insurance approval then will start probably in 3 weeks at my next Herceptin infusion.

I've been able to snuggle Jax at night which has made me happy and Cass spent most of yesterday with me which made me smile. My emotions have been a roller coaster lately.  I miss the kids, I miss the girls and not being in pain but I love all the love that I've felt!

I'm thankful  for visits with friends and one in particular who made sure I rested while she played with the baby and another who has driven out of her way so many times to be there for me!  So thankful for my sister and brother in law who  have had the kids non stop which has made this seamless for them!

So thankful for my village!  I definitely do not recommend a double mastectomy with lymph node removal when you have small kids at home!  But am so thankful my village has made this more bearable. Not sure how people do this alone!  My sweet husband has been amazing. For someone who is so used to an independent wife, he's stepped up in ways I didn't even realize I needed.

I'm so thankful for my amazing nurses who I look forward to seeing every 3 weeks. I'm thankful for those who took care of me in the hospital and for my amazing drs especially doctor russell. She's amazing on so many levels!  I'm so glad she's mine!!! I would highly recommend her if you ever need an oncologist!

And lastly...Thanks to all who have called, stopped by, sent food/cards/flowers, texted, etc. I am so thankful I do not have to go through this humbling, painful, experience alone!  Here's a pic from today

and one from yesterday (so much love in one pic)

One sweet moment last night. Jax said " mama me miss your boobies. Will they grow back". I told him they wouldn't and I missed them too.  He said " no boobies makes me sad. Me love mama. Me missed mama. Me miss boobies but me love mama".   I'm thankful he won't remember the day to day of this experience but am so proud of how he is handling it all. I got lots of kisses before he snuggled up tight to sleep.

Each day is a little better and one day this will be a distant memory!

Have an amazing Friday and weekend!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #inremission #notgettingridofme #thankful

Day 3 post op-TMI photos

Hi Y'all

im sore! it's a dull achy with irratation at the drains. They are itchy and pinchy. my sweet kitty has not left my side while im in bed. sweet girl. Dear Husband (DH) has been amazing.  hes even offered to shower me again.  i miss the kids. i miss the laughter, squeals, cries, pitter patter, the smells, the light in their eyes, the heart beats, CBs snoring oh i miss them! I also know that i am resting better without them here. i need these drains out! DH thinks i need to do a light workout to get my blood moving. im close to telling him where to shove it :D  he apparently misses the kids too!

we have laid around more than we ever have. we are bored but know i need to rest. so im resting and hes cleaning. its comical!

This compression shirt is super annoying. I didn't really get instructions so we are winging it. I go back tomorrow to dr 

Yay! 

Rightside

Left side

Day 6 post opp 

Aftermath

Hi Y'all!

I am day 1 post op I was discharged this afternoon about noonish. Less than 24 hour post op. I feel okay. I'm sore and tired but I'm able to move about.  I will say my husband has been amazing. He has done everything in his power to make sure I'm okay, as comfortable as I can be, have food and coffee, , slept on an uncomfortable chair, has helped me figure out how to shower, gently feeding each tube of fluid through a lanyard, wiping me dry with a towel as I cry uncontrollable because I am unable to do such a simple task, he tells me it's all going to me okay as he holds me tight, has gone to run errands for me.  That man has shown me how much he loves me.  I'm very thankful I married him!

I'll keep you posted on how I feel!

Love Jamie
#fightinglikesgirl #wegotthis

Surgery time set

surgery is a go at 8:30am. I have to be there at 6:30


Super nervous. Surgery was finally approved at 4:28 pm today. Crazy!  Wish me luck!

#wegotthis #shitisgettingreal #fightinglikeagirl

Anxoious

I am very very anxious about tomorrow. I have been so sick, and I know that could mess with anesthesia. I am nervous of how I will look without Thelma and Louise.  I am nervous about not seeing my boys. I am nervous about leaving my boys. I am nervous about recovery. I am nervous about this house being a mess. I am nervous of how this is effecting dear husband (DH) and the kids, but mainly  DH. He is so worried about me, that he opens up then closes right back up. It is sweet and annoying. I feel as though I am staying so strong for everyone else that eventually I am going to collapse. Every morning I wake up and choose to be strong, choose to be happy and choose to push past this nervousness. Some days I flounder. Some days I fail. Every day, I choose. So right now, I am anxious and trying to push through. I am writing letters to my babies, and trying to get the house in order. I am going to watch Thelma and Louise movie tonight and prepare for waking up tomorrow to go to sleep tomorrow night as a flat chested woman. No nipple, no nothing. My body will forever change. I will no longer look in the mirror and see what I am used to seeing. I will see a stranger. I will have to adapt to a new me, again. New hair, new chest, same smile! Today, I am nervous and anxious and not hungry. Today I breath slowly and try to not think too much. Today I am a little sad and weepy.

Have a great one!
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #breathe

Surgery week..

Hello Friends.

This week is the week that surgery is scheduled for.  Now this post will have a little TMI in it so if that makes you uncomfortable, then I would skip today's post.

So i have been sick since Christmas Eve with this respiratory bug. I am mainly back to clear snot, with a little infection and a slight cough to keep it out of the lungs. On top of that, Aunt Flo is back after being gone since when i got pregnant with CB. So I am not feeling great and the thought of surgery is daunting, since we haven't done any of the things we wanted to do to prepare, like take boobie pics, and clean clean clean the house. I am working over time to get all the laundry done and up, and thankful for my village to help clean and do laundry but goodness it is never ending and I am exhausted. At least my room and bathroom are in shape so if we are a go for surgery i will manage!
I called the doctor and they said they would decide about surgery at pre-op. So let's hope I get way  better before tomorrow!

That is really all I have for today. Hope everyone has a great day!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis