Hi. I’m awkward

I’m messy, silly, awkward. I say random stupid things, I get tongue tied & alway bring up things like poop at the dinner table.  I’m literally a hotness. I don’t fit in with the put together moms. I’m the barely got myself dressed, the kids dressed themselves, I’m here right on time kind mom.  I’m the mom that makes inappropriate jokes because I’m awkward & my inner voice makes my anxiety kick in & i am  awkward. It’s a fact. I can’t change this. Honestly, I don’t want too.  It’s me. It’s why my husband loves me. It’s those moments where I am completely vulnerable or when I just make him laugh at my bluntness. I like making people laugh and I love laughing so thankfully my awkwardness is also a strength.  My trying to fit in was my weakness. It was a sign of low self esteem. It was a call for help. A cry for help I didn’t even realize I needed. I needed to feel loved and accepted for me. Not for quiet me. Not for sit there and mind your manners like a good southern girl me.  No. I didn’t love me because I never felt like I was good enough.  Even as an adult I still have those moments.  Something triggers me into a preteen me and goodness she’s a hot hot mess. Some habits are hard to break.  I’m thankful she breaks through less and less. I’m sad I didn’t figure this out 30 years ago. I wish I had loved myself back then. My life would have taken very different directions had I loved me.  But I wouldn’t have this life that I so love.  I wouldn’t have two sweet yet some days extremely frustrating boys. I wouldn’t have their love & hugs & kisses.  I wouldn’t have a husband who loves me even when I am a hot mess!  I’m glad I can realize why I’m triggered and find healing. I’m glad I love me & that’s not changing!  I am an amazing, smart, kind, sweet, happy, girl and no one can tell me differently.  This girl is going to help raise the next generation of men to have feelings & be empathetic. To be kind no matter what and to always help others.  I have no idea where this life will lead me but I do know. With my boys by my side I can do anything. I am loved  and I am important. I can make a difference. And most importantly I am happy!  It’s a good feeling.  Life is good! 

Ps sorry about not posting much but I am vlogging and posting on 

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChTPIxxSbGXWGwH0ykVamXg

And 

Instagram : https://instagram.com/zenmamallama?r=nametag

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Thanks y’all! 

Namaste 

Zen Mama Llama