Day 49

Every time I go back home, I remember all of the things I loved. All that I no longer have. All that I could have had. I never would have known there was an entire other world out there. I would have been content. But that was not the path I chose. I chose the more difficult path, the unknown path, the path that pushed me to the limits and gave me experiences i never would have known otherwise. I have laughed, cried, loved and hated. I have known loneliness and the warmth of being surrounded by friends. I have learned to live on my own and not fall back on family. I have learned to rely on friends. I have learned that friends are the family you choose along your life's path. I have some amazing people in my life. Some who love me no matter what my faults. It has been an amazing journey. Sometimes i feel too complacent where I am now. My instinct tells me to run, move and have more experiences, meet new people. I love who i am. I do not love being stuck in a rut. Parents are so important to mold who you could become. Mine molded me and let me go. They let me flourish and fail. Without failing one cannot succeed. I am grateful to have such amazing parents who loved me enough to let me be my own person. Who didn't hold on tight but let go and let me ride that bike with no training wheels (which resulted in a broken arm) but it was my decision and my choice and my consequences. ALL MINE! I would not trade a day of this crazy life. It is mine! It is how i have become who i am today and I like me :)

Day 48

Wow so much has happened since my birthday. First my birthday celebration was fabulous. Even though I did not want to do much, my friends of course made sure I did and had a great time ta-boot! I am doing a beach photo shoot in a few weeks. I am super excited.

I have gotten so in shape and it feels amazing! I know there are haters out there, but that is ok. I have worked my A$$ off to get back down to this weight and I am super proud of me. I have shown so much restraint and determination. Plus the no drinking has made me realize I was completely a binge drinker. I may not drink everyday, though some weeks I did.. but regardless i could never have just one. I liked getting trashed (I know I am not supposed to admit that) but it is fun to hang out with your friends and drink and laugh and get stupid. And oh did we get stupid. Stupid choices, stupid sayings, stupidness. Maybe that is what is wrong with today's youth. They are always looking for the next party. The next fun thing to do. But I digress, back to me :)

So finally I get to see where things may go with DW. He is funny, geeking, cute and most importantly we have had this ongoing crush/flirting thing for 4 years. So the other night I choose him over CK. I know unheard of, because CK is oh so yummy. But i thought why not. We had so much fun as always, until he tried to sleep with me, I said no and of course the next day he is "too hungover to go to lunch" Whateves. he can only express his feeling when he has had a few to drink. I need someone who is confident and happy with himself.. which leads me to the next story (sorry this is so long)

So that next day I spend with CK (shocker I know) but he makes me feel sexy and wanted. Plus the sexual tension just gets thicker and thicker and he is super hot. Still no kissing or anything like that. it is comfy, we hang out, we laugh, we shower, we nap, we talk, we play scrabble, we watch tv, we argue over not arguing (LOL, tis true.. he literally argued over me not being mad when he thought i was.. quite a fun convo), i help him shave his head, we just are us. We are sober, and us. We are smart asses and say the funniest crap but most importantly we are us. He loves himself, I love myself. We are good for each other. I can only hope that this mounting frustration will lead to a fabulous time one day in bed that will not be just sleeping :) Until that day comes, i will enjoy our friendship and the sexual tension it brings. 20 years crushing on someone is a great love story, if that love story ends well. If not it will still be one for the books, one that i can look back on and remember the feeling I feel when he looks at me, or talks to me or is even near me. I will always remember that beautiful sexy feeling i have. I can only hope that the person I marry makes me feel EXACTLY like that everyday of my life.

And now time to go to work :) YAY

Have a fabulous day ya'll!