All okay

My check up showed i am ALL okay!  A little high on vitamin D which is odd but other than that good!

My plant based lifestyle change has helped me lose the weight I have been trying to get off and I feel like I have way more energy.

Life is good!

Ringing the bell & bye bye port

Hi y'all

It has been awhile. Blogger still hasn't fixed their app so it makes it really hard to do write regularly with two small kids. Their blogs have been pretty sucky because of that too :(

So, my last infusion was 6-16-17.  Ringing the bell was an amazing feeling and 3 of my fave nurses were there to share it with me which made it all the better!  Jennifer and April have been there since day 1 and Sybil I have known since high school.

Here is the video of me ringing the bell: https://youtu.be/0QDxvhZ1tR4


I tried multiple times to get my port taken out and on the 3rd attempt the dr was able to do it in the office. It hurt like hell!  The stitches came out a little early for one side so it didn't heal the way it needed too. The scar will be a little thicker than it should but just one more battle scar right?

I go back tomorrow to the dr for my check up. Will be odd having to have blood drawn. I am so used to the port. I kinda miss Paulie the Port. He definitely saved me from a lot of hurt. I have mixed feelings about my active treatment being over. I am glad to not be spending thousands of dollars but at the same time it's bittersweet. I am jumping at any ache or pain that lasts too long. If I think my lymph nodes are swollen. It is an odd feeling knowing that something could be growing inside you trying to kill you and that you may never realize it. I never want that to happen again. I will trust my instincts.

I may need to get some therapy as I feel like all the weight from the past year is now falling on me. I feel like i am suffocating some days. I have stayed strong for so long.. it takes a toll.

I am thankful to be alive and know this chapter will pass soon too!

Thanks for being there for me!

Love
Jamie

Last Infusion Ever! (I hope)

IIJune 17 2017 was the last date of my last Herceptin infusion. June 17, 2016 was  my first chemo ever!

My sweet husband, went with me. We were able to get a video of me ringing the bell. I was  not as emotional as I thought I would be. I teared up when I hugged my fave nurses, but I was ecstatic to ring the bell!  I was unsure how i would feel but I was so excited that I teared up with happy tears.

Here is the video of me ringing the bell: https://youtu.be/0QDxvhZ1tR4

After this, we went to get Mexican food with some of my besties!  We got to laugh a lot and just enjoy each other.

Bittersweet

This week is a very bittersweet week.   I end my infusions on the same date I started them. It will be a complete circle from start to finish. This past year definitely makes you think about how you are living your life. How my little journey, has impacted others in big ways. How one action causes a butterfly effect.

I just finished watching 13 reasons why, after being persuaded too by multiple friends from different friend groups. I am glad I watched. I love that my friends push me to do uncomfortable things, when they know I need too. I could not have done this past year without my friends and family.   As I watched this show, my emotions ran the gamut. I wanted to save this girl. I wanted to shake her and say this is just a SMALL portion of your life, you will get through this, you have so much to live for.   I saw pieces of me in her. I saw how easily I could have been her.  The rumors kids spread are so hurtful. The thoughts about not being good enough. Dealing with dickhead guys and bitchy girls. Dealing with the selfishness that are teens. Even as you get older, you deal with mean, rude people. You get back-stabbed at work, overlooked for promotions, life stinks sometimes. Whether you are a teen or adult.  The one thing about being an adult when going through something stinking like cancer, is that you know it will get better. You can walk away from mean people, you can look for a new job, you can make new friends and get rid of toxic ones and not have to see their faces every day. You know as an adult, life will get better. It is a roller coaster.

Let me tell you this past year has been a hell of a roller coaster. I have learned more about myself!  I have gotten to know my husband in an all new way and i have gotten to see my 3 year old turn into one of the most empathetic kids I know.  Such a tender heart and a need to protect his mama. My husband who seems rough and strong, is one of the tenderest men I know. He showed me how much he loves me over and over this year. Our communication is becoming more in sync and life is good. We still disagree on a lot, but are seeing common ground more and more.   The littlest of us all, is growing into his personality. We tease him he is a frat boy. He loves to make you laugh, and is very determined. He does not like to be told no. We have a house full of strong personalities. Should make for an interesting next 20 years or so!

Friday i go in for my last infusion.. ever (I hope). Very bittersweet. Then I get my port out, which is super scary..... as that means no more infusions.. no more lifesaving drugs.... Today pictures of me nursing my kids for the last time, are popping up in my memories... oh how that makes me sad.  I never thought I would not be nursing at this moment in my life. I know the boobies were trying to kill me but I really miss that closeness with my babies.   yes this week is very bittersweet to say the least.

Please keep positive thoughts coming my way as tomorrow i will be pretty emotional. Ending chemo on the day I started chemo  should be happy, but it also marks the day I last nursed my babies. The day my heart broke in pieces. It is a day that will mark the end to medicine I can only hope, did its job and will keep cancer at bay now. I am confident in most of my treatment decisions and am looking forward to a little closure.... bittersweet day indeed!

Thanks for all of your support and love!
Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #byebyecancer #inremission #operationwatchbabiesgrowup

Cancer-anniversary

Today is the day I heard the words that would forever alter my life. The words that made my heart stop beating for a moment. The words the would bring tears to fill my eyes. The words that made me hold my babies tight as I cried. The words that would cause me insomnia. The words that  fill me with dread. The words that would take so much from me, yet would give me so much in return. The words that make any sane person dread hearing. The words that when said, make someones face immediately go sad.  The words that bring an instant knot to my stomach that just sits there. The words that made me feel like I was beginning a new life within my existing life.  The words that made me learn medical terms. The words that allowed people to reach out and show how much I mean to them and how very much they mean to me. The words that brought old friends back into my life. The words that brought new friends into my life. The words that helped repair relationships, bring people closer together. The words that change my vision of this past year in ways I could never have imagined. The words that made me emergency wean my kids, before they or I were ready too. The words that showed me how fierce a mothers love is. The words that helped non emotional people show emotion. The words that humbled me. The words that made me see other sides of the coin. The words that made me completely sure that living each day to the fullest is the way to go. The words that reinforced, that I have a choice to be happy despite what is happening to me. The words that hearing, well.. it sucks. The words I wouldn't wish anyone to have to hear. The words that still make me sad when I hear someone else hearing the  same words.  The words, that the doctor said with calmness, steadiness, a bit of sadness, "Jamie I am so sorry to tell you this, we got the biopsy results and it is malignant. We need you to have an MRI asap and get into a surgeon."

From there this year has been one non stop roller coaster. It has had highs and lows, lots of tears yet lots of laughs too. It has taught me so much about who I am and who I want to be. It has taught me the endless amounts of love that still exist in this world! Thank you to all who have stood by me and loved me!  Your support has been incredible!  I have an appt tomorrow (we have been pushed back a week.. no clue why) but should only have 2 more treatments!  I will never know which day I went into remission but today is the day I started fighting to be in remission!  Thank you, thank you, thank you for being there for me and my family!  Much love to you all!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #byebyecancer #inremission #operationwatchbabiesgrowup

#oneyearsurvivor

My Birthday

HI Y'all!

Today is the last day of my 30's. I am not going to lie, this last year did not happen the way I thought it would. Not at all. No way at all, had you told me last year that I would have faced, battled, and won a fight against cancer, that i would have believed  you. I would have laughed. I may have had that little nagging feeling something was wrong, but never did I imagine it was cancer. I honestly thought I was just a little postpartum depressed. I just felt a little blue and totally chaotic with two little nursling's and a toddler that reverted back to an infant over night. But cancer? no way!  Funny how life has its own plan.

One year ago I was happy being home with my two sweet boys and thinking of happy things to do for my birthday and all the things I wanted to do for the last year of my 30's. Well my birthday did not go as planned, which was exactly how my year went. Nothing planned, things in the air and chaotic ever moving vibes wrapping me at all times. I did not expect my post partum check up would end up with me getting an ultrasound on a lump in my breast.  I look back at that girl. Wow, she seems so much younger then the one today. I wish I could warn her of what was to come, but I have a feeling she would have handled it the same. In the past few weeks I have been on a cleaning purging binge. My husband is loving it though he doesn't see he is partly to blame.... regardless, I need this house de-cluttered and stress free :D

Tomorrow I turn 40. I will wake up with my babies, and spend the day enjoying their giggles, meltdowns, hugs and kisses. I will live tomorrow like it is my last, because every day is a treasure and should be cherished. I will continue to find joy in every day living because that means I am alive. I challenge you to do the same. Every day, be more positive, be more light, be more free, be more happy!

Much love to you all!
Tomorrow, i turn 40!

Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #byebyecancer #operationwatchbabiesgrowup

Cancer isnt pretty

Y'all, cancer is not pretty. It is not hearts on facebook or buying items properly color coded for your or your loved ones cancer.  I've gotten lots of "check your boobies" messages lately .  when I look down I do not see boobies. I  see a mangled flatish chest which I must learn to love. It's a slow process. Each day I am more comfortable in me, each day I  see more and more of that woman my husband and kids see.  This is just one aspect of cancer.

Cancer, is ugly. Cancer can be debilitating. Cancer tears families apart, causes financial ruin, lost memories, taking of body parts,  learning to love a new body,  and much more. Cancer is being so tired from treatments,  that it physically hurts to move, yet you still have to get out of bed to take care of your young kids. Cancer causes, crying in the middle of the night, so that no one else hears you, yet somehow your sweet toddler still does, and in his sleep holds you tight. Cancer causes frustration when people are not understanding that you cannot RSVP, because you have no idea how you will feel. You never have enough time to rest and be social. The loss of your body which makes you cry. The caregiver that towels you  off and holds you while you cry. Cancer takes pieces of you, that you never thought you could live with out.  Cancers scars  run so much deeper than you can see. It truly makes you sad when people say, you are cured, when you are only in remission. You want to correct them but you do not want to see that sad look on their face. You know you will never be 100% cancer free. You will always have those cells. You can only hope they never activate again. You are constantly wondering if that ache or pain, or shortness of breath, or lingering headache, is actually cancer back with a vengeance! It is constantly feeling like you are selfish, when you say no, or need help again.   These are a few of the burdens a cancer patient carries. They carry so much than the normal person, even more than their care giver ever sees. Cancer makes you think of leaving your loves before you are ready to leave them. You write notes, and take tons of pictures, just in case.  Cancer causes you to see the world with a new light. You can choose the dark side or look to the light. Either choice takes you down a path that you and you alone will walk. Others may join you for a time, but ultimately, it is YOU, that must walk the cancer path alone. You will enjoy their company, but will always know they will not know 100% of what you are going through, how many thoughts race through your head at all times, the anguish, the pain, the being scared and oh so sad, just to pull yourself back up with a smile, so that your sweet small baby or loved one, will not be effected by what you are going through. The tears flow sometimes for no reason. Sometimes you feel like you are invincible and can conquer the world. Others, like you are down a deep dark hole with no rope to help you up. The cancer path, takes many roads.  Many forks, for you to choose light or darkness. Each step carefully thought out. Each path with it's own trials, tribulations and celebrations. Cancer is not pretty.

I got lucky. My breast cancer is treatable. I will never be cancer free, but I am currently No Evidence of Disease. I have a doctor who listened to my needs. I was proactive and did chemo and a double mastectomy (probably didn't need to. But currently that is the standard of care, so we opted for surgery). We declined radiation, but opted for hormone therapy. I am almost done with Herceptin and will continue on Tamoxifen. That gives the scientists 10 years to come up with some kind of cure. Some vaccine. or legalizing marijuana so we can build a cure from that, something anything. 10 years is a lot time.  A lot can happen in 10 years!  I keep choosing that light path for that reason. I want to meet the girl that will steal my sons heart. I want to see my first grandchild. I want to grow old with my sweet, funny, terribly annoying, very loyal husband and travel the world. I have so much I need to accomplish before I say goodbye to this world and my family. I choose light, in the sea of ugliness that is cancer!

Love
~Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #operationbyebyecancer

Herceptin, Tamoxifen and more

Hi y'all

I had my #15 out of 18 Herceptin treatments yesterday. I also started Tamoxifen. We decided on that instead of Zoladex, as it does not hurt my bones and since I am menopausal i do not have the uterine cancer  risk! This should keep the cancer from coming back since it targets the estrogen in my body to keep it from attaching and creating a tumor (I think that is what it does) I have learned from this entire experience, I was not meant to be a doctor or nurse!

Also my baby turned 1 on Friday. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.  Yesterday i was in chair #24 which was the chair I had my  first chemo in and the chair I pumped my last bit of milk for my baby in. It was a very emotional day. The center was running about 3 hours behind when it was all said and done, so I had a lot of time to think.

Today I am exhausted. Herceptin make me tired and yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks.  This morning is just as bad. Very nauseous. Hoping it is just too much medicine in one day and that this is not going to be a daily thing. positive thoughts its temporary as 10 years of this will not be fun!

Hope y'all have a great day!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #byebyecancer #operationseebabiesgrowup

Hello Aunt Flo..

Hello Aunt Flo, please go away!  After not seeing you since June of 2015, I had hoped you were gone for good. You being back, means I am not in menopause, which means estrogen in flowing through me, which means my cancer could come back.. please go away before I have to do an injection of Zoladex to keep you away.

That is all.

Love
Jamie

Herceptin only is a breeze

My last Herceptin infusion was a week ago. These are a breeze! 30 mins once I am hooked up. I am there a few hours. then I can come home and work out then nap. I have been trying to do a 30 min work out to keep my heart flowing and then I am so exhausted I need a nap. If I do not get one (like last friday) I am falling asleep trying to get the kids ready for bed. Poor husband has found me asleep more than once.

Still Herceptin only is a breeze! I will gladly take that over regular chemo any day!

I am super sad, one of my friends has been diagnosed with BC and will have to follow a similar treatment plan. I hope I can help her get through this with the same fight I had and those before us have had!  I know those who reached out to me helped a lot even if I didn't know I needed them at the time!

I am looking forward to her being on Herceptin only so it will be a breeze for her too!

#Fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #byebyecancer

Memories

I looked at pics this morning from right after my sweet baby was born. I looked at a version of myself that was so very happy, tired, and breastfeeding. I cried and cried. Cancer has stolen so much from me. It is sad. Even sadder, when I hear a friend tell me her breast cancer diagnosis, which is so very similar to mine that she will be doing the same course of treatment more than likely. That makes me super super sad. No one should ever have to go through this. All i can do is be there for her, but that is even hard since I am so far away.

I didn't realize how very raw all of this is still. I know I am "in remission" but the pictures brought it all back to me. The tears in my eyes thinking i wouldn't be around to watch my kids grow. The sadness, at seeing my hair falling out every time I touched my hair. The pushing through the pain of surgery for my port, so that i could nurse my newborn and his brother. oh the sadness!

What I am realizing, is that I am really, really, stronger than I ever imagined i could be, stronger, than I ever wanted to be, but I am strong. I may cry, but that is not a weakness, it is a way to show my strength in a tender light. I never want my memories to stop me from tearing up, because then it will mean that I have portioned a part of myself off to not feeling how I felt then. I think those feelings are important to my story. It is important for others to see the tears, to know that it was not an easy journey, but that even the hard journey's have a happy ending.

Make memories, Treasure the memories! 100 years ago, before videos and photography were main stream, it was the memories people lived with. Maybe the fading of memories is natures way of helping us heal and move on, but I would rather heal while remembering. I want my kids to look back and see how very hard mama fought to stay with them, and all of the amazing memories we made even though I was sick.

Love
~Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #makememories

Been awhile

HI All

I am so sorry this has been awhile since I have posted. The Blogger app still is not fixed and it is hard for me to find time to blog without it. May have to switch to another website :(

My surgery was 1/5/17 and I have pretty much healed. I still have some tightness and soreness from nerves that were messed with and tendons not wanting to stretch properly. I am currently back working full time and have managed to sneak in a work out almost every day, sometimes twice a day.

I go back next week for Herceptin, but good news is my body has thrown itself into menopause, so I will not have to take drugs to make that happen!  Thankfully the only real side effect that bothers me is the exhaustion. I can handle that for sure!

I am getting used to the new me, and being flat and fabulous. Sometimes I feel like I am looking in the mirror at a teenage boy and others I own my body. My sweet husband has been really amazing through all of this and making sure I realize he still loves me and is attracted to me. I know it can't be easy for him either but he says it is. He loves me no matter what.  That definitely helps make this easier!  So many husbands leave their wives, so I am thankful he is making an extra effort to make me feel special at a time when i need it the most.

I go back to surgeon on 3/1 to look at scars once more to make sure they have healed the way he would like and they seem to be doing fabulous!

It is odd that i feel like the boobies are still there. When the kids rub or I hit my chest, it feels as if the point of contact is larger than it is, ie i feel like there are still boobies but sadly there are not.

I have gotten used to figuring out which shirts will look best on me and have started whiddling down my current wardrobe and will continue to do so until I only have things that make me  look and feel nice. I am loving the soft tank tops with no shelf bra. Sadly I have tons of nursing tanks and shelf bra tanks that i will have to give away :( very sad because some are basically brand new.

I see pics of myself with no hair and it feels like a lifetime ago, even though it was just a few months. That gives me hope that eventually this will all be a very distant memory.

Sadly enough one of my friends was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Still waiting on pathology, but goodness did i cry. I know she will be fine, they caught it early, but goodness the thought of someone else going through this is just... too.. much...   we need a cure and we need one yesterday. Too many people are being diagnosed daily. I am so thankful for how far we have come and how this is no longer a death sentence but goodness it is scary and just crappy the treatments we have to go through.  But soon this will be a distant memory for her too.

I hope you all have a great weekend!

Love
Jamie
#wegotthis
#fightinglikeagirl

A double mastectomy kinda hurts

Oh I'm sure you realize a double mastectomy hurts. It's not so much the "biigggg booboo" as my son says, but this annoying I got beaten up sore with a little numbness and a little over sensitive areas that really don't feel good when the baby pinches them with his little pinchers ( those things HURT).

I'm two weeks out (when i started this post I am not 2 and a half weeks out) and it still pains me to hold the baby. I'm exhausted easily. mentally I'm way better. starting to be comfy in my own skin. I cleaned out my bathing suit and lingerie drawers. that helped me a lot! I also cleaned out the closet too!  So many clothes went bye bye!

Mentally each day is a little better. each day I'm learning to love this new me but there are moments that hit you and you cry in the shower. It's the baby shimming down so his head is on my soft tummy instead of my now hard chest so he can nap, that makes you tear up.  It's hard relying on others to help you do day to day tasks. It's not being able to pick up my baby because he's a chunky monkey.  then sweet moments like your husband telling you that you are still beautiful and each day it looks better. Or that he saw a pic of you after you gave birth to your 2nd son and that you looked so beautiful there. I started back work a few hours each day. It has been good to get back to a somewhat normal routine, but goodness I am exhausted.  For some reason, napping, is hard for me. Like really really hard. My mind doesn't shut off. It has been nice resting though. I lay in bed in the quiet. I catch up on DVR or read a book or meditate. I have also started back working out. I am doing the re-bounder (mini trampoline) 10 mins a day and then have been doing either Spin bike for 20-30 mins I am going to try to start back to Country heat since it is 30 mins and line dancing, so I do not have to use my arms if I do not want to but i can if I am up for it.   That will help me!

Each day is better. Each day I am able to have more movement and pick up the baby for longer at a time. Each day I am able to look at myself and feel pretty. But they do not explain well enough how limited your motion will be and how weak you will be. They try to explain things after your surgery when you are all drugged up and cannot remember (that is a huge help let me tell you), but before surgery, it really is not told to you exactly what will happen to you after surgery. No one talks about the mental aspect, the helplessness at your weakness and more. Kinda crazy!

But, I am doing better and that is really all that matters!  Hope this blog post will help someone at some point!

Much love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis
#byebyecancer
#youpickedthewronggirl

Update

Hi y'all 

Happy Monday! Thought I'd keep you up to date on my progress since you are a huge part of this journey! 

Lil bit came home Saturday night after spending the night with my sister since surgery.  Goodness we were happy. Jax and I kept smiles on our faces all night.   My heart was full! Probably wasn't my smartest move for my physical health but mental health wise I needed all my loves home under one roof! Waking up to those sweet baby smiles and giggles makes my heart explode and at a time where I feel like I look like Frankenstein's mangled wife, I need them like I need air or water.  Since he's been home I feel stronger, able to do more, even if I am overdoing it, and just happier as well as more at peace.  

I am still super sore but thankfully barely notice the drain unless someone hits it.  I'm also draining way less fluid and it's getting clearer, so I should be able to get this out wed!  That will be a happy day as I'll be able to move around without thinking about "will I hurt or hit the drain". Plus showering will be way easier!  

I'm thankful for the knitted knockers I have received. (Huge thank you to those who made/secured and got them too me).  It's helping with the transition to being flat chested and serves as a cushion from the kids!  Win win win!

 Y'all it's hard to look down and not see the girls. way harder than I imagined.  I'm literally having to fall in love with a new me!  I'm a stranger to myself when I look in the mirror naked so when dressed those knitted knockers give me the illusion I'm not mangled. I'm doing good at not wearing them all the time but am thankful I have them for those times I just need to see the lovely lumps when I look down :). Truly do not appreciate some things until they are gone.  This journey has taught me to always live every day to its fullest and always try to make a positive impact in the world.  Even the darkest situations you can find a light. I know my friend Alicia who just lost her 8 year battle of pancreatic cancer definitely showed me that. Even on her last day on earth, she had a smile on her face and made people smile. I hope she's looking down at me with a proud smile at how I facing this journey.  There are times in the middle of the night that I cry and cry. But then I get to snuggle with two sweet boys and the tears fade, especially when the tot kisses my tears!  Something about that innocent love that makes everything better! 

Hope y'all have a great day and if it's not great, do something nice for someone else, that should make you smile and change the course of your day!  

Much love to you all! 

Love

Jamie 

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #byebyecancer #youpickedthewronggirl 

I miss my kids

Oh Goodness this experience has taught me how much I love and miss my kids. It hurts how much I miss them. I miss hearing them play and laugh together.

Today is  Herceptin day!

Doctors visit went well. She said my incisions looked great. My blood work is good. My white cells are still low but that is to be expected since I'm still rebuilding from the TCHP cocktail and surgery.  We will start me on a hormone blocker to through me into menopause since Aunt Flo seems to be trying to come back.  And then zoladex for a year at least. Have to get insurance approval then will start probably in 3 weeks at my next Herceptin infusion.

I've been able to snuggle Jax at night which has made me happy and Cass spent most of yesterday with me which made me smile. My emotions have been a roller coaster lately.  I miss the kids, I miss the girls and not being in pain but I love all the love that I've felt!

I'm thankful  for visits with friends and one in particular who made sure I rested while she played with the baby and another who has driven out of her way so many times to be there for me!  So thankful for my sister and brother in law who  have had the kids non stop which has made this seamless for them!

So thankful for my village!  I definitely do not recommend a double mastectomy with lymph node removal when you have small kids at home!  But am so thankful my village has made this more bearable. Not sure how people do this alone!  My sweet husband has been amazing. For someone who is so used to an independent wife, he's stepped up in ways I didn't even realize I needed.

I'm so thankful for my amazing nurses who I look forward to seeing every 3 weeks. I'm thankful for those who took care of me in the hospital and for my amazing drs especially doctor russell. She's amazing on so many levels!  I'm so glad she's mine!!! I would highly recommend her if you ever need an oncologist!

And lastly...Thanks to all who have called, stopped by, sent food/cards/flowers, texted, etc. I am so thankful I do not have to go through this humbling, painful, experience alone!  Here's a pic from today

and one from yesterday (so much love in one pic)

One sweet moment last night. Jax said " mama me miss your boobies. Will they grow back". I told him they wouldn't and I missed them too.  He said " no boobies makes me sad. Me love mama. Me missed mama. Me miss boobies but me love mama".   I'm thankful he won't remember the day to day of this experience but am so proud of how he is handling it all. I got lots of kisses before he snuggled up tight to sleep.

Each day is a little better and one day this will be a distant memory!

Have an amazing Friday and weekend!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #inremission #notgettingridofme #thankful

Day 3 post op-TMI photos

Hi Y'all

im sore! it's a dull achy with irratation at the drains. They are itchy and pinchy. my sweet kitty has not left my side while im in bed. sweet girl. Dear Husband (DH) has been amazing.  hes even offered to shower me again.  i miss the kids. i miss the laughter, squeals, cries, pitter patter, the smells, the light in their eyes, the heart beats, CBs snoring oh i miss them! I also know that i am resting better without them here. i need these drains out! DH thinks i need to do a light workout to get my blood moving. im close to telling him where to shove it :D  he apparently misses the kids too!

we have laid around more than we ever have. we are bored but know i need to rest. so im resting and hes cleaning. its comical!

This compression shirt is super annoying. I didn't really get instructions so we are winging it. I go back tomorrow to dr 

Yay! 

Rightside

Left side

Day 6 post opp 

Aftermath

Hi Y'all!

I am day 1 post op I was discharged this afternoon about noonish. Less than 24 hour post op. I feel okay. I'm sore and tired but I'm able to move about.  I will say my husband has been amazing. He has done everything in his power to make sure I'm okay, as comfortable as I can be, have food and coffee, , slept on an uncomfortable chair, has helped me figure out how to shower, gently feeding each tube of fluid through a lanyard, wiping me dry with a towel as I cry uncontrollable because I am unable to do such a simple task, he tells me it's all going to me okay as he holds me tight, has gone to run errands for me.  That man has shown me how much he loves me.  I'm very thankful I married him!

I'll keep you posted on how I feel!

Love Jamie
#fightinglikesgirl #wegotthis

Surgery time set

surgery is a go at 8:30am. I have to be there at 6:30


Super nervous. Surgery was finally approved at 4:28 pm today. Crazy!  Wish me luck!

#wegotthis #shitisgettingreal #fightinglikeagirl

Anxoious

I am very very anxious about tomorrow. I have been so sick, and I know that could mess with anesthesia. I am nervous of how I will look without Thelma and Louise.  I am nervous about not seeing my boys. I am nervous about leaving my boys. I am nervous about recovery. I am nervous about this house being a mess. I am nervous of how this is effecting dear husband (DH) and the kids, but mainly  DH. He is so worried about me, that he opens up then closes right back up. It is sweet and annoying. I feel as though I am staying so strong for everyone else that eventually I am going to collapse. Every morning I wake up and choose to be strong, choose to be happy and choose to push past this nervousness. Some days I flounder. Some days I fail. Every day, I choose. So right now, I am anxious and trying to push through. I am writing letters to my babies, and trying to get the house in order. I am going to watch Thelma and Louise movie tonight and prepare for waking up tomorrow to go to sleep tomorrow night as a flat chested woman. No nipple, no nothing. My body will forever change. I will no longer look in the mirror and see what I am used to seeing. I will see a stranger. I will have to adapt to a new me, again. New hair, new chest, same smile! Today, I am nervous and anxious and not hungry. Today I breath slowly and try to not think too much. Today I am a little sad and weepy.

Have a great one!
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #breathe

Surgery week..

Hello Friends.

This week is the week that surgery is scheduled for.  Now this post will have a little TMI in it so if that makes you uncomfortable, then I would skip today's post.

So i have been sick since Christmas Eve with this respiratory bug. I am mainly back to clear snot, with a little infection and a slight cough to keep it out of the lungs. On top of that, Aunt Flo is back after being gone since when i got pregnant with CB. So I am not feeling great and the thought of surgery is daunting, since we haven't done any of the things we wanted to do to prepare, like take boobie pics, and clean clean clean the house. I am working over time to get all the laundry done and up, and thankful for my village to help clean and do laundry but goodness it is never ending and I am exhausted. At least my room and bathroom are in shape so if we are a go for surgery i will manage!
I called the doctor and they said they would decide about surgery at pre-op. So let's hope I get way  better before tomorrow!

That is really all I have for today. Hope everyone has a great day!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis