Bittersweet

This week is a very bittersweet week.   I end my infusions on the same date I started them. It will be a complete circle from start to finish. This past year definitely makes you think about how you are living your life. How my little journey, has impacted others in big ways. How one action causes a butterfly effect.

I just finished watching 13 reasons why, after being persuaded too by multiple friends from different friend groups. I am glad I watched. I love that my friends push me to do uncomfortable things, when they know I need too. I could not have done this past year without my friends and family.   As I watched this show, my emotions ran the gamut. I wanted to save this girl. I wanted to shake her and say this is just a SMALL portion of your life, you will get through this, you have so much to live for.   I saw pieces of me in her. I saw how easily I could have been her.  The rumors kids spread are so hurtful. The thoughts about not being good enough. Dealing with dickhead guys and bitchy girls. Dealing with the selfishness that are teens. Even as you get older, you deal with mean, rude people. You get back-stabbed at work, overlooked for promotions, life stinks sometimes. Whether you are a teen or adult.  The one thing about being an adult when going through something stinking like cancer, is that you know it will get better. You can walk away from mean people, you can look for a new job, you can make new friends and get rid of toxic ones and not have to see their faces every day. You know as an adult, life will get better. It is a roller coaster.

Let me tell you this past year has been a hell of a roller coaster. I have learned more about myself!  I have gotten to know my husband in an all new way and i have gotten to see my 3 year old turn into one of the most empathetic kids I know.  Such a tender heart and a need to protect his mama. My husband who seems rough and strong, is one of the tenderest men I know. He showed me how much he loves me over and over this year. Our communication is becoming more in sync and life is good. We still disagree on a lot, but are seeing common ground more and more.   The littlest of us all, is growing into his personality. We tease him he is a frat boy. He loves to make you laugh, and is very determined. He does not like to be told no. We have a house full of strong personalities. Should make for an interesting next 20 years or so!

Friday i go in for my last infusion.. ever (I hope). Very bittersweet. Then I get my port out, which is super scary..... as that means no more infusions.. no more lifesaving drugs.... Today pictures of me nursing my kids for the last time, are popping up in my memories... oh how that makes me sad.  I never thought I would not be nursing at this moment in my life. I know the boobies were trying to kill me but I really miss that closeness with my babies.   yes this week is very bittersweet to say the least.

Please keep positive thoughts coming my way as tomorrow i will be pretty emotional. Ending chemo on the day I started chemo  should be happy, but it also marks the day I last nursed my babies. The day my heart broke in pieces. It is a day that will mark the end to medicine I can only hope, did its job and will keep cancer at bay now. I am confident in most of my treatment decisions and am looking forward to a little closure.... bittersweet day indeed!

Thanks for all of your support and love!
Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #byebyecancer #inremission #operationwatchbabiesgrowup