Prologue
Wind twists her long curly dark brown hair as it blows past her. The sky fills with grey and purple clouds the trees and grass are a crisp emerald green. He watches her eyes fill up with tears, they are a green that matches the trees. He wants to help her, wants to rescue her from the pain she's feeling. If only she will let him in. She won't though.. she has been hurt too many times by him. She keeps putting up her walls. Then this one time, she lets it down and he leaves, well is leaving. He said, "I just have to leave town, leave this place" This makes her sad, makes her feel useless and unwanted, which is untrue. He loves her, he thinks she's his soulmate, their timing is just horrible. So he wipes her lone tear, kisses her head and embraces her with his arms, wishing to make it all better to make her smile that beautiful smile that makes you believe you are the most important man in the room. She smiles up at his golden locks and crystal blue eyes, and kisses him gently. He has no idea how hard this is for her. She wants him to be happy and knows she must let him go, but all she wants to do is cry and be selfish and keep him here. Why did their timing have to be so bad.. it is so sad...the rain starts to fall, they laugh and roll around kissing. The pellets hit harder with each drop, until they climb to their feet and run to the barn and fall into the hay to await the storm to pass. For now, only they matter.
'Do you ever think we will end up together', he whispers in her ear.
"Don't know, I can't let myself think about that, you really have no idea how hard it is for me to let you leave.' Tears form in her emerald eyes. 'She looks beautiful,' he thinks, 'How am I going to leave her, she's my heart, my soul, she is my everything, I have to be making a mistake, no I am doing this, we will be fine'
"Jeal, you do know I do not want to leave, right? I mean you know if I didn't have to, I wouldn't, if you could come with me, I would take you."
"I know, shush, don't talk, it may be our last time together like this, no need to talk, I want to remember you, and the way you look at me like I am the only woman for you, just in case I never see that look again." She forces a smile, as a single tear falls.
"You act as if I am going away forever." he kisses her head and pulls her body close to his.
"No, just knowing you may never come back to me, I love you, god I love you," tears fall like a water down her cheeks. He begins to cry, "but no contact, I do not know how to deal with that, not being able to speak to you, or see you."
"Babe, we can write, you will get letters from me."
"Okay and what if one day those letters fade. what if." he kisses her and says, " No more what ifs from you I will come back for you, I will always come back to you." She tries to pick a fight, he let's her. Then he kisses her one last time, before he walks out the barn doors and gets in his truck and drives away, as she watches from the window, with tears streaming down her face.
Ch. 1
Six years later, sitting upstairs on the deck, staring out at the water splashing against the dock. Tears blow off my cheek. 'I feel as though I lost my best friend. He's not coming back. I wish I could change what happened. I wish I could change our feelings, change what was said, the tears in our eyes. He let me down, he walked away, he fell out of love,' I cry as I think of that day.
'We were so happy, why did he leave? Why didn't he stay? Why did he have to save the world? And now, he's back and I am expected to what, drop my life, see him, no contact in years and now this letter, this letter, why now, why? and why am I crying, I should be over him, why, I just do not understand why now, why come back now, my life is getting back on track and then he appears out of no where. I need to sleep.' I lay down on my pillow filled bed, tears streaming down, wetting the writing on the paper. Until I sleep.
I wake, as someone familiar kisses my head, I slowly open my eyes to his stupid little grin and a key being held high. "So you think you can just ignore me and I go away? Did you forget I have had a key ..haha"
"You are a jackass, Gavin, I swear, I fell asleep crying about you. You left me remember? Not the other way around."
"Jeal, come on, just come sailing with me, we will just go for a long weekend, just you, me and the dogs, like old times. Please, I love you and I shouldn't have left, but i wouldn't be here if I hadn't. I just miss you and know this is the place for me. You are the one that I want"
"Goodness you sound like a sappy love story.. haha whatever, I'll go sailing, but just because I really do love being on the water and getting nice and tan," I says smiling. As I think, 'I cannot believe I agreed to this. I am just going to get hurt again. I can't let that happen. He feels so right, so natural, he irritates me and calms me all at once. He was my rock.. that is right WAS, what am I thinking, I cannot do this' "Wait I can't go, I just can't".
"Oh great one of your tantrums, this is where you want to go but you say the opposite because you feel like that is what is right. Go with your gut Jeal. It's me. Gavin, the one that has been in love with you since I laid eyes on you as kids. You are it, stop fighting, I don't want to run anymore, we have spent too much time apart. You are what I want. You have to know that you want me too. Somewhere you must still love me." He pulls me to him as tears fall from my eyes.
'It is what I have wanted to hear for so long. But why now? What has changed?' I lay my head on his chest as he kisses the top of my head. 'I love it when he does that. Makes me feel safe', I think.
Ch.2
Finally everything is loaded onto "Jealousy" Gavin's prize "sailboat", gorgeous, definitely not going to be roughing it like in high school. Beautiful blue deck, 3 state rooms, with a master suite that opens to a deck, Party deck upstairs, mini boat attached, a large galley, even washer and dryer, yeah definitely not roughing it this time around. "You ready to go Jeal," Gavin asks.
"Ready as I will ever be. We have the dogs, we have our stuff and we have a nice boat and you, so before I change my mind.. you better make this thing move." I sit on the upper deck, and watch the shore line get further and further away, the water looking like glass breaking, and thinks back.
"Stop Gavin you are a jerk," a 5 year old Jealousy screams.
"Ooh I am telling," says 5 year old Gavin as he pulls her hair and runs away. But this time she caught him right at the monkey bars, so he did what any smart young man would do and turned her around pressed her between him and the monkey bars and kissed her smack on the lips.
'EWE, YUCK", Jealousy screams as she breaks free and runs away.
I let out a chuckle, as the wind blows in my face. "What's so funny, Jeal" Gavin asks.
" I was thinking back to when we were 5 and you kissed me by the monkey bars. hahaha I ran screaming, I didn't know what to do." I laugh gently.
He walks up and slides in behind me and wraps his arms around me as tight as they can go and says with a chuckle, "We have been through a lot. Lots of stories huh? And we are going to have more, lots and lots more." he kisses the back of my head. " Jeal I love you, I do not ever want to leave you again."
"Oh promises promises," I smile and kiss him. "We will see what happens, lets just take this one day at a time." Then I kiss him again, and kiss and kiss and well you get the picture.
We did lots of kissing. Every time I pass Gavin, he grabs me and kisses me. It feels like we never were apart. The familiarity is comforting. I want to believe he will never leave again. I want too. I so want too. I keep pushing out bad thoughts. Just concentrate on the good, on now. On us. It is us, just us. I chuckle out loud.
“What’s so funny” Gavin stirs under the covers.
I smile and say “us... we always start back up like we never ended. It’s strange and comforting all at once.”
Gavin grabs me and kisses me passionately and hard. “Ever think we are just meant to be.”
A little miffed I pull away, “Yes actually it did occur to me.. but you left me remember? Not the other way around.”
“Jeal, I had to go. I wasn’t in my right mind. I would have hurt you.”
“You did hurt me. You were not there, I had to pick up the pieces. All I wanted was you and you left.” I tear up. I choke them back. ‘I cannot cry over him again. I said never again. I am better than this.‘
Gavin holds me tight, “I know I am so sorry. I hurt too. It wasn’t easy. I thought of you every minute of every day. Every girl I compared to you. I can’t get you out of my head. I know you feel it too. I can feel how much you love me.”
“I have never said I didn’t. I love you more than life somedays.” Sadness fills me. Then it disappears to a calm. I listen to the waves, I feel the motion, the sun is slowly setting. Hard to believe we set sail 3 days ago.
“Jeal, I am sorry I left the first time and I am sorry for our fight and me leaving he second time and I promise you, there will be no third time. Do you remember when I came back after moving awayl”
“Yes” I say as I kiss him on the cheek.
“You were at the farm, you had been practicing your barrel racing, and was taking a break. The night was quiet, dark clouds rolled over the tops of the trees, darker and darker it became as the tears fell down your cheek. I was watching you would binoculars for awhile.”
“You jackass.” I smacked him.
“I could tell the not knowing is what was killing you. I could image you going, ‘Where the heck is he? What is he thinking? What is wrong with me?’
I smile as it is the truth, I start to choke back tears as I speak. “It was as if you had been reading my mind. I saw your truck driving down the drive way, closer to where I was sitting beside the pond with my favorite grey horse Mousey against that old oak tree in the pasture by the lake. I love that lake, so did Mousey, we always took breaks down there and would go swimming those were good days. All of a sudden I remember I smiled for just a second when your truck flashed in my eyes. The tears stop, my heart raced, it was as if I was dreaming. Then just as quickly, it faded, as I thought, why, why now, as I am learning to live without him. Why? I was so mad. I could have killed you. Then you got out of that beat up truck that you had been driving since we were kids, you jumped the fence, and walked right up and put those strong arms around me. You squeezed tighter and tighter, I just cried and cried as I thought 'don't let go, don't ever let go'. My knees began to buckle from underneath me.
“I caught you, the we both fell slowly to the ground. I grabbed your chin and turned that pretty head of yours. I wiped the tears off your cheeks and I just kept kissing your forehead. I never wanted to let you go.” He tears up now thinking back.
“You?? Really?? All I wanted to hear was I am sorry, but I just cried wondering if that will ever come out. We sat there in silence, the silence is what I fear the most, its unknown, it is full of unanswered questions and you just had me sitting there in silence. I just kept crying.”
It was hard, I didn’t want to cry in front of you, so I just stayed silence, but finally I broke the silence, "I am sorry, for shutting down, for ignoring you."
"Why, I just don't understand why and all you could say was"
We both say it at the same time, "I have been hurt in the past."
“Cop out buddy.” I say as I kiss him. “That has always been your cop out, that and, ‘I am just not ready.’ or ‘You deserve better, I am not the man you want me to be.’ Cop out I tell you.”
"Jeal but also remember what you said to me. You said, ‘So have I, but I tell you that, I communicate with you that I am scared, we all have been hurt before. But you have to grow and learn from the hurt. Those people are not here, I am. I promise I will be good to you, and never intentionally hurt you, but I need the same promise from you, I need you to talk to me, to tell me when things are wrong.‘ and then your tears stopped. and I whispered. ‘You are right, I am going to try, I do not want to lose you, I missed you." you wiped the tears from my eyes and we kissed so passionately, then that pesky rain started and I whispered, ‘we are getting wet’.
"I didn't care, The rain just kept pouring I was so afraid to let go. But I knew I to let go, I could not hold on forever. So I let you, since I had let you walk out and you were there, I just remember thinking, 'if I let go, he will come.' So we had one last kiss, then I said ‘ okay meet you at the barn.’ I jumped on Mousey rode away, hoping you would follow.”
“We had a great night didn’t we.” he smiles.
Has he forgotten that he left the next day. I grow quiet as I feel a numbing fill my limbs, my heart feels like it is stopping. He sounds panicked. “Jeal what is wrong, what did I say? Wait, stop, where are you going?”
I pull away, put on my robe and walk up to the top deck in silence. ‘He has no idea how much he hurt me, for a few days I did not want to live. My whole life left. Left, no goodbye, no I love you, URGH‘ I compose myself and look him dead in the eyes, “YOU LEFT ME, NOT the other way around. We had an amazing night. We made love and talked and make love over and over, I fall asleep and wake up with you no where around, you didn’t leave a note, you just left. I didn’t hear from you for weeks. I didn’t know if you were okay at least the first time, we still talked for a while, then the conversations drifted away like our love, or so I thought. That night you came back, I was finally okay with you being out of my life. Then you walk in, you make me feel love for you again and then you left again. It about killed me. My heart physically was broken. It took a bit for me to want to live again. I can’t do that again. You have to be in this.”
“Oh Jealousy, I wish I could take that time back. I was in such a bad place you have no idea. You were the one thing that made me feel good. You always believed in me, you always pushed me to be a better person. I just couldn’t love you the way you needed to be loved. You really did deserve a better man than me. Now, now I am that man you need. That man you wanted. I am the man for you now. I have my shit together. I am no longer that lost player, I am that man you want, that man you fell in love with, the man you always knew I could be. It just took me wanting to be that man and wanting to work for you, for us for me. I finally love me and where I am and I am ready to love you. I want you to be in my life to one day be my wife, just like we had planned. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I am hoping buying a boat and naming it after you is a start to show you how serious I am. I do not want to go through my life without you. I have done it and it sucks. You are my life.”
I do not know what to say, I am totally speechless. I have dreamed about this moment for years and this all comes at the perfect time. I am recently single, my head is back to being on straight. But what if this happens again. The what ifs just keep swimming in my head. I finally manage to form something, “I have dreamed about this, well not this, exactly,” I twist from side to side with my arms open, looking at the beautiful turquoise water that surrounds us. “Literally dreamed about you wanting me back. But how do I know you will not run away again? I love you, I have loved you since we were kids. But I am telling you know, I won’t live through another heart break. I can live through walking away after our trip, but I cannot walk away after falling back in that all consuming, I cannot live without you love, that we have. Our connection is too strong, we have too much history.”
“Wait, here.” He gets up and goes down below. I wonder, ‘What is he up too?‘ About then both dogs make it up deck, it is amazing how they learned to climb the stairs. Gavin comes up the stairs with a big grin and one hand behind his back, he was hiding something. A knot forms in my chest. What is going on? He gets immediately on one knee and he say, “I totally was going to wait until we got to the island. I had a whole thing planned. But it seems you are a little impatient as always,”
“Uh I am not.” I stamper out, as he puts his finger softly to my lips.
“Jealousy I have loved you since the day I saw you. I have never loved another girl, it is and it always will be you. I am so sorry for all that I have done to you in the past, but I promise on all that I am, you will never not have me or my love. I know the first time I proposed I did not buy the ring, let me assure you, I paid for this and I paid a pretty penny.” He pulls out this HUGE diamond.. lots of diamonds ring. It has at least a 3 carat oval diamond with two 2 carat diamonds to either side and small baguettes around the entire platinum band. OH MY GOODNESS, this cost a fortune. Do I say no, what do I say, this is all too quick. I need to say something.. OMG... OMG, “OH MY GOODNESS!” I finally say. Twice today this boy has made me speechless. But god I want to spend my life with him. He is all I have ever wanted. He is my best friend. He always has been. It feels as if we never have been apart. I may regret this later but YES, yes I will marry you.”
Big grins from both of us, “I love you Jealousy, I love you soo much.” He kisses me and kisses me.
“I love you to,” I manage between kisses. Oh his kisses. They consume me until I feel as if I am going blind. I get lost in his breath, his kisses his body. I stop him to look at this HUGE rock on my finger and cannot stop smiling. “I never want this day to end. Just keep kissing me,” and he did too, all night long.
Ch. 3
“So what the hell happened on that boat Jealousy,” Screams my best friend Tana. “You disappear for a week, you leave this vague email of where you are going. You take the dog, you go off with the man that broke your heart twice. You leave a single girl and you come back engaged. Seriously? What is wrong with you? What have you been doing or thinking.. Really engaged? HE BROKE YOUR HEART. I know we are friends with him, but I blame our parents for this. HE BROKE YOUR HEART. Brett say something to her. Please! You are her best friend too.”
“Um Honey, have you forgotten, Gavin is also my best friend? Its not like I have stopped talking to him. But I can tell from that look I need to shut up now, so that is what I will be doing. For the record, I want ya’ll back together so we can all hang out again. I am selfish that way. But he does love you. Always has.” Brett says as he runs out before Tana beats him. She is pissed. WOW.
“I know Tana, but its Gavin, its not some random boy, its the love of my life and I have got to try. He bought a boat, a ring a very pretty ring” I cry. “I don’t want to be hurt again. We talked a lot. He means it.”
“Jeal he always means it. Then something more important comes along.” She is really mad.
“Tana he’s done it all. He sowed those wild oats and so did I. Truth me told, had we gotten married back then, we would be apart. It’s a long engagement. Our date is set but its set for 2 years out. We are still young, need to rush. We want to enjoy each other and make sure we are completely on the same page. But this past week. We were right back in sync. It was if we never were apart. The dogs were happy, we were happy. I want to try. I have to try. For 6 years I have dated and tried to be ‘just friends’ with him. Everyone I compare to him. Every girl he brings around makes my heart break. I want him. Goofy, gassy, some days incredibly sexy. But I want him.” I smile.
“Jealousy remember when you guys went on your first official date.” Tana laughs
“Do I remember, OMG how could I forget. He drove that beat up truck and was so proud of it. It was so cute. It was stupid, though. Its not like we never hung out, or had not been boyfriend/girlfriend forever. But it was the first time he was allowed to drive us somewhere by ourselves.. well with you and Brett.”
“Exactly our first double date, we had so much fun. Dinner at Roadhouse and watching some scary movie so we could cuddle. We were such dorks.” Tana laughs loudly.
“We really were dorks. We thought we were so cool, 4 of us in that truck. Oh how I loved him. Maybe that was our problem. Maybe we were meant to be but needed to have some time apart to grow to find out who were are without each other. Both of us would have wondered what if and what else is out there. I know what else is out there and I want him. Apparently he feels the same way” I smile very brightly and think, ‘maybe my ever after is coming true after all.’
“God remember that boy, Chad you dated when you and Gavin were on a break senior year”
“Thanks Tana for that reminder. Yes fun baseball player dude who tried to sleep with me and got jealous anytime I talked to ANYONE else.” That was fun. It did piss Gavin off. Haha that was kind of fun. Plus Chad, did treat me like a princess. I liked that.
“Hey Tana, can I steal our girl for a little bit please?” Gavin asks so nicely.
She glares at him as if she could kill him with a look, “Fine Gavin, if you hurt her again. I will cut off your balls. Do you understand me? I do not care if we have been friends for over 20 years or not. You hurt her, you pay this time, there is not let’s all be friends again. GOT IT MISTER.” Tana points her finger in his face and bows up all big.
“Got it Tana” Gavin turns red and looks at the ground. ‘Wow he looks guilty. He really does feel bad.’ I think to myself.
He kisses me and hugs me tight. “I do love you and I am not going anywhere without you. I have a proposition. You are writing your book, I have some free time. Let’s go sailing, again but this time leave for at least a month. Let’s sail around and be us.”
“Wow that is crazy, but I think it sounds wonderful. Let’s do it, let’s do it” I kiss him and then run to get ready. Wow this is a crazy week so far. Crazy but feels so right.
I begin packing, when I come across his old long sleeve shirt. I don’t go anywhere without that thing. Boys will try to wear it and I never have let them. It was Gavin’s, it made me feel close to him. Tears form. He had left it the night in the barn. It smelled like him so I kept it and would smell it, I didn’t wash it until the last of his smell was gone. That musky Gavin smell, had disappeared long ago, but that shirt, that shirt I had bought for him so long ago, I would, could never let go. Stop crying you silly girl. He is not going anywhere. It just hurts to think he could leave again. I look at my right hand with this huge rock or rocks. Why now? What happened? He had been calling and emailing for months now. I tried to ignore him. Then he showed up, just showed up and was sitting on the porch. Made me so mad. ‘All I want to do is leave this letter, I just wanted to make sure you got it. Please read this. You know me, I am not a man of many words but I love you and need you to read this. Ps you look good in my shirt. I was wondering what happened to it.’
‘Well had you not snuck out of the barn like a coward maybe you would not have left it.’
Gavin snickers, ‘As usual you are quick tongued and unfortunately right baby. One thing is for sure, that shirt makes you look hotter than I remember.’
I snatch the letter, ‘Is this all?’
‘Yes ma’am,’ He nods his head, grins as he watches me go inside. ‘Oy he makes me so mad. I just don’t know if I can trust him. What if he does it again? Just read. What will it hurt to read the letter. I mean, he did write it and all.’ So I read it and read it and read it and now we are engaged and going sailing, all in just a few days. ‘This is crazy. What if he gets scared again? What if he can’t handle the stress of something else? Jealousy get your head straight. Stop thinking about the bad, what about the good times. Oh the good times. The fun, the laughing, the smiling and the sex. Oh that electric connection. That connection of having fun even while we are doing nothing. We would go get lost in the woods for hours, sometimes camping in the middle of nowhere. Just us and the dogs. Ha ha, what about that time when we were canoeing and a storm came up. The sky turned dark purple in seconds, it seemed to have appeared out of no where. Gavin grabbed me and the dogs and we made a run for the rocks. We found this little cave like place, that we hid out in. We built a fire and stripped down to our under garments so we could dry our clothes, because our clothes were soaked. We looked like we had gone swimming. Wow it was crazy. The shelter was nice. It was just us and mother nature. We talked for hours. We are always so good when we were good. Keep thinking of good. Stop letting the bad come in. Hmmm easier said than done.‘ I begin to tear up. ‘Okay focus Jealousy focus. What else to pack? What am I missing? Screw it, let’s go’. I put my fears aside and walk out the door with the dog, I put on a big smile as I think about the love of my life, who is now my fiance and our fabulous sailing trip as I head downstairs.
