Post 7, 2014 last day of maternity leave

Today's my last day before I return to work.  I must say I'm not really looking forward to it.  I know some women would gasp in horror and think I'm old fashioned.  I know my husband does. He doesn't get why this is so hard for me and has been slightly jealous that he has been working while I'm off caring for our son.  It's not like it's all been sunshine and roses. Some days are down right hard. But I would take the hard days every day to be with him.  It would be easier to let him go off with strangers if he could talk to me or run away when something bad happens. He's been with me inside or out of me for the past year.  Even before I knew he was with me he was.  Most of today I have been in tears and haven't let this child down.  Even as I type he is crying in my arms not wanting to nap.  I'm okay with that. I feel like I'm abandoning him. Which my husband says is crazy.  But I do.  I know I need to work to provide a better life for him than we could offer with one salary. I know this. It still doesn't change the fact it makes me sad.  Makes me sad I will miss some of his "firsts" makes me sad we won't have our morning cuddles until he falls back asleep for his first nap of the day. Makes me sad I will only see him awake for 2 hours out of 24, 5 days a week. I'm sad. I can not shake it off, calm down or suck it up, as my husband thinks I should do.  I'm sad. I have working mom guilt and I'm sad.  At least I can admit it. At least I know I'm sad at the thought of returning to work. Even though I love my co workers and my job. Even though I only have to go into the office 2 days a week. It still makes me sad he will be in a strangers care for 5 days a week.  At least 3 days a week I will take my lunch and go see him. I think that would make me less sad.  I do hope going full time will help him adjust quicker . And let's me honest help me adjust quicker as well.  I will miss being a stay at home mom and am thankful we were able to have me as one for 3 months when many women do not get that opportunity. I  thankful for his giggles and smiles and hugs and even his cries.  I'm thankful he's so sweet and loving and isn't afraid of strangers. I am thankful the daycare is close and that others I know love it. I am thankful for a good job. I am thankful for an amazing son who I am sad to leave. Very very sad to leave.  

I hope he knows how much I love him and am doing this for him, even though sometimes I wish the woman's place was still in the home <sigh>

~sincerely,

a working mom with severe working moms guilt 

Post 6-2014 Valentines day

I've never been one to celebrate valentines day. I think it's a made up holiday that people spend way too much money on.  Last year my husband ignored my wishes not to celebrate and surprised me with flowers. Which was very sweet and appreciated. This year since he had set up that expectation, the babe and I got him a card, pic card telling him we loved him and a bar of his favorite chocolate. He told me he got me nothing, zilch, nada!  Now I feel under appreciated and not so loved. Exactly why I never celebrated in the first place.  At least I have the best valentine to who up smiling at me and gave me a huge hug

Then my husband comes home with an entire bag of goodies and two cards, one for me which was quirky and funny and one for JB which made me cry! He wrote "daddy" for the first time. I may have to save that card for him to read when he gets older. 

So husband made up for him being a brat. And I think he even feels slightly bad at how sad I am for having to go back to work instead of staying home with my little man.  I would make a good house wife/ stay at home mom.  I totally rocked the position the past few months!

Post 5 -2014 Put down the phones at dinner

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone at the dinner table pulls out their phones instead of holding a conversation. It's rude and disrespectful. It's telling that person your phone and whatever you are doing on it is less important than the person you are dining with.  This drives me bananas especially when it's just two people and in a restaurant. Especially since I'm the type that doesn't like to be idle.  It hurts my feelings as well.  Unless you are a doctor, are waiting on others to arrive, or need it out in case of emergencies,  your phone should be put away or on silent. 

Conversation seems to be lost.  Next time you are with someone eating, put your phone away and enjoy them!

Post 4-2014 trust

Last night I had a dream/nightmare that made me wake up and cuddle with my husband.  I was dreaming I was single again.  I left hanging out shopping with my mom to hanging out in a finished attic with my B girls.  E and I were going to have a slumber party when all of a sudden I look down and see a ring on my finger and hear a voice I really never wanted to hear again.  In my dream I pretend to be asleep so I do not have to acknowledge the most jealous person I have ever dated who in my dream I was engaged too (never in real life). I decided to face him and went to kiss him as a dutiful fiancée would do.  He had a moustache which looked ridiculous and started yelling at me telling me I had cheated on him.  Which I had not done but was a common acquasation when we dated.  In my dream the B girls were his daughters which is not true in real life.  As he and I argued in front of the girls he kept slamming me over and over again totally off based and stating things you should not in front of children (another theme in our relationship) I somehow stayed calm which I never manged in real life. I told him  I cannot marry someone who doesn't trust me.  He tells me he could smell another guy on the door to my room. And all I could think of was my husband who in my dream was only someone I had dated but couldn't get off my mind  I give back the ring  and ask him to Please leave so I can hang out with the girls as planned. He left and poor S was in tears crying that he had told her I would be her new mommy.  I woke up in a panic and all I could think was my husband, how lucky I am to have someone who isn't jealous and trusts me as I trust him.  Jealousy is a bad bad ugly trait.  With this particular ex that was a main reason we broke up. He was so jealous. Jealous to the point that rational thought would leave his head.  He would accuse me of flirting with his brother in front of him, would stalk me when I hung out with my friends. I felt more like a daughter on probation than a girlfriend. He even kicked down my door once because I didn't answer it quick enough. I'm lucky he never hit me but the thought did cross my mind more than once that I was not safe.  Even my friends were worried.  

My next relationship towards the end I was the one that didn't trust him but because I caught him in one lie after another. Silly lies that a teen tells their parent.  That's when I knew that relationship was not one I needed to be in.  

Trust is so vital to make a relationship work. Without it there's doubt and room for jealousy.  I'm so thankful that I have an amazing man as my husband who loves me for me and who trusts me to live my life and be true to him and vice versa.  This is especially important since he works late nights, had female friends and I have tons of meetings and male friends.   We love each other and communicate with each other.  No lies just truth and trust.   I'm a better person and wife because of him.  I hope he can say he's a better man and husband because of me!  

What i do know is that I woke up and could not get close enough to him.  I held him the he held me. I wish I could have stayed curled up with him all day long.   I'll just have to remember my goodbye kiss until he gets back home to us!   

Trust is important. Never settle for less!

Post 3- 2014 breast feeding

I'm lucky to be able to breastfeed my baby. It's one of the best experiences of my life. The closeness I feel with my child is unlike anything I have ever experienced.  His sweet eyes looking up at me, a smile on his face as he takes my nipple into his mouth.  He begins to suck and my breast tingles as the milk lets down, runs through my nipple into his mouth. His mouth fills with milk, I watch him swallow.  I get lightheaded and feel a little high.  No matter how cranky he's been that day or the past hour, it's all better the moment he starts sucking.  It's as euphoric as an orgasm. My love for him grows deeper and deeper with every suck.  

I'm really going to miss these days. The days where my body produces "liquid gold" that nurtures his body with vitamins, nutrition, anitbodies and more.  So much goodness created by me for him.  The female body amazes me!  Breast feeding creates this amazing bond between mother and child.  I will cherish every feeding I have with him!  Even when he's mad at the boobie and yells at it (true story). The time I have with him while he's this little is short but I am cherishing every second with him!