Day 101 - 2012 FML

I feel like everything that could go wrong, will at the moment.  I do not like this feeling.  I feel like I am drowning. I know my attitude needs to be one of, I can meet this challenge.  I know I can do it, just need to finish today out!  Tomorrow will be a new day!

Day 100 -2012. Worst mom ever

Bwhahahahaha so I have two large dogs and two cats. My eldest is my cat Chance and he is 15 and a half years old. He is my favorite ( I know that is so bad to say, but true). He is very in tune with me and my moods, he follows me like a dog, come when I call him, he is my baby. I can carry him in my arms to the vet and he won't leave. He is just the sweetest thing every night curls up at my shoulders/, lays on me or against me and purrs me to sleep. I have had him since he was 3 months old. We have been through a lot together. I saved him from a short life roaming the woods and he has helped me become the person I am today. He has taught me patience and unconditional love, how to read moods from facial expressions and much more. It was just he and I for many years until I rescued George.

George George George he is quite an animated dog. Who knew he would be the dog he is. He is stubborn and feisty and so sweet. My friend M rescued him from the side of a major rode. She saw him one day and he got away. The next day she saw him again and she cornered him in a cemetery, borrowed rope, got him in her car and brought him to our office. Our friend named him Stanley (he didn't like that so much). We called his owners, who were not so happy we called. Said we could take him to the shelter and have him put down, that he was a troubled dog (should have threw up red flags) that he dug and jumped out of the fence. I just thought they didn't understand huskies and I did. I grew up with them and had been looking for one. So, I took this sweet blue eyes 1ish year old husky home to meet my sweet little man Chance. Chance bowed up as huge as he could between me and that strange blue eyed dog. That dog laid on the ground head and all and just looked at that cat like, 'I'm sorry I just want a home I promise I'll be nice to you.'. And he was he has loved Chance since the moment they met. Chance however. Not so much. It took him a good 6 months to be nice to George ( poor George took many claw marks on he nose). It was a rough few years for Chance and I to learn to live with a dog. He woke up early, we slept in. He has to potty outside, we potty inside. He had all this energy and wanted to play all the time, we were lazy biatches. He ran away constantly even when on a leash (literally would jump up shake his head and get out of his collar). He locked me out of the house. He would crap on both couches. He was something else. I even questioned if he loved me, until one day we were going for a run and I tripped fell let go of the leash. He started to make a break for it, as I cried out in pain. He stopped turned around and crawled back to me to see if I was ok. At that moment I knew he loved me. Hard to believe he's been with me for 9 years. He now no longer runs away, comes when you call him, he eats off of a fork. He is my dainty sweet stubborn funny boy. He makes the funniest faces, talks back, very demanding, loves sleeping under beds or tables, has such a unique personality.
Then we got Caitlyn. Her owner was taking her to the pound. Sweet little kitten that George would sleep with before she could open her eyes. So we took her. Chance hated her for a year, maybe longer. Hissing anytime she walked into a room. But George he loves her. He cleans her, let's her sleep with him and protects her from other dogs. He protects both the cats. It's very sweet to watch. We love out Caitlyn Bailey. Her meow is so faint and girlie. She loves everyone. She is my bathroom kitty. She loves being in the bathroom with you. Love that sweet girl.

Then we got stuck with this sweet month old lab mix. Poop monster who too over a year to house break. Stubborn, panty eater, cat crap eater, never leave mamas side black poppy. At 2 years old he is starting to lose his puppiness but gets sweeter and smarter as he ages.

So my sweet puppy does things that really puts himself in danger. I swear he has nine lives so we do a lot of waiting and seeing. If not our vet bill would be ridiculous. I love him but if you are dumb enough to keep eating things that can't even taste good like a bra, then I cannot help you. I can love him as long as he lives. So that is what I am doing. Loving him trying to keep him as safe as possible. But somedays I feel like the worst mom ever!

Day 99 - 2012. Mud Run Day

Today is mud run day. My first. Should not be too bad. It's all girl and no fire or barbed wire. I honestly have no idea what to expect and have not trained like I should. Cannot get my silly work out bar attached properly but that's another story. So I am up and ready for this 5 k with obstacle courses. I'll write more after :-)

So I did it in 44 minutes. Not to shabby Challenging but fun and I didn't get as muddy as I thought I would. The early wave was a good idea. My shoes were muddy muddy inside but are getting a good wash :-)

Then I went for a bike ride and grabbed lunch for Papi and I. It's a beautiful day. Hope everyone got to enjoy it!!!!

Day 98-2012 Southern Girl

No matter how hard I have tried to get rid of my southern accent (and I do very well with covering that up), the older I get the more it has come back.  Now those from the south would say.. 'eh not so much' but those not from the South hear it. My twang used to be really bad, so that mixed with the how fast I talk, was never a good combination.  I have worked hard on pronunciation and slowing down.   I have moved away from my southern roots, which meant I lost my accent and picked up a northern one.  Though moving only made me realize how much I miss my southern roots (though that missing came much later, after me loving city life).  I miss riding in the woods, bon fires, mud bogs, fishing, camping, and a good ole fashioned Fish Fry.. oh and clear rivers, 4-wheelers and jet skis.  I miss southern boys with southern values, who say yes ma'am and no ma'am.  Who open the doors and pay for dinner.  I also love my city life and being able to walk to everything.  I know that I made the right decision in leaving.  Still doesn't mean I do not miss the life I would have had.  Those darn country songs, hit a nerve and make me remember a life that I loved, a life that I thought I would have and a life I gave up.

But if I had never given it up. I never would be me :). So tonight I get to hang with my bestie. Talk about college and laugh a lot! Southern girls rule. Bwhahahahaha

Day 97-2012 busy girl

Wow this week has flown by. I have been a very busy girl! I have been slammed at work. putting out fires dealing with backstabbing and trying to laugh through the stress. Then hanging out with Friends in the evenings laughing until my stomach hurts, relieving the days stress. And I got to see my nieces and sis and baby daddy. So I have been a very busy girl but have had a very good fun productive week. I actually feel bad for those that have lots of free time, who can chat with friends and play on the Internet. I would be so bored and unhappy. I am very happy that I am lucky to be busy at work and in my personal life. Yay for being busy !

Day 96 -2012 Pretty Girl

I have always been a pretty girl.  From the time I was baby until even now, I am told I am pretty.  But the older I get the less pretty I feel.  Scares have forms, zits have appeared and left marks that no longer fade, pores have enlarged. My body has changed and it takes a lot more work to keep something that used to just be there.  Now that my looks are fading, my personality is becoming more and more important.  Makes you look at your self harder.  Criticize something that I used to let go.  I am my own worst critic. I feel like the older I get, my dream of a fairy tale ending for my life will not happen.  I will never be the pretty young bride, young mom or young anything. As each year passes, I am 'old".  I am that person I never thought I would be.  I never imagined I would be my age, even 5 years ago. I still feel 22, I still see myself as 22, I sometimes forget, I am not 22...... until I look in the mirror, then I remember, I am not 22.  Sad but true. So now, I have to change my way of thinking and remember, it is about my personality and if I shine that way, I will always be a pretty girl!

Day 95- 2012. Niece time

I had the best day with my oldest niece! She is such a good girl and so smart. We went on a scavenger hunt today, through my neighborhood and a local art museum. We saw ancient art and I was able to share with her some of my favorite artist. Her favorite was Toulouse Lautrec. She thought his pairings were funny. She also was enthralled by the naked statutes and the Egyptian art, she wants a ail kimono of her own and loved painting , wire art and her size art that she was able to see and take pictures of. She wanted to take home tadpoles that were in the reflection pond in the gardens and thinks though my river is bigger than hers it's way nastier. I couldn't agree more. Our last stop was the theater marquee then the ice cream shop for treats for her and her sister. It was an amazing day. The only thing that could have been better is of I had been able to have them both! Loved loved loved our time together!

Day 94 - 2012 Mondays

Why are Monday's so rough?  Why do I dread getting out of bed.  The day is no worse than any other work day, but for some reason I think it is.  I feel more tired (I am not)  I drag (not sure why) I cannot leave the house on time ( too much piddling).  Once I get to work, I go go go (which is typical for my day), then it is over and before I know it, Friday is here (whoo hoo)
Then the whole thing starts again

At least I have a job and am a busy bee while working :)

Happy Monday!

Day 93-2012. Sat am workouts

I love my Saturday morning 8 am 90 minute spin class that my friends the H family takes me too. I would never have the opportunity to take the class if it was not for them. It keeps me from staying out late Friday nights. It. Burns a crap ton of calories first thing in the morning. Makes me feel good, I still have a entire day ahead of me and I get to see one of my besties and her lovely family. I do love my little 'niece' L. Her face lights up when she sees me. I love love love it and them!l. It is a great way to start my weekend and see people I love! Reminds me I am a lucky girl!

Have a happy day. Thanks for reading!!

Day 92 - 2012 Productive week

Wow this week has been a hell week, but lots of things accomplished. I feel exhausted but happy that I finished so much!

Lots of moving pieces in my life

Lots of great people

Lots of love


That is all!

Day 91 - 2012 Past lives

I often say I think I was a male chauvinist pig in a past life.  It would make sense. I have a lot of those characteristics at times.  Then, this morning I think, maybe I was a cat in another life.  That would make sense too.  I am moody at times, but even a bad mood can be altered with the right touches.  I love to be petted. I like doing my own thing.  I think I am pretty.  Some people like me, some could careless.  I have claws, I like to use them during play time. I like to sleep, especially when warm. I love the sun if sunbathing. I could keep going but will stop boring you now.
I like to look at everyone in my life and think.. 'who were they before'  Some people you just get this feeling, that they were in your life before.  You know when you meet someone and you think "Wow I feel like we have known each other for years" that is when I think "Wow they must have been important in a past life."

I could keep going but I will save it for another day.

So let's pretend you believe in past lives.  Who do you think you were?

Day 90 - 2012 Murphy's Law

Murphy's law is an adage that is typically stated as: "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong".

If I get excited about something.. bam.. that thing blows up, doesn't happen as planned or at all.
If I try to let go and do the right thing.. I can't.. the thing just holds on. (happening today)
If I am sad, then usually something happens to make me happy. (So yes it can happen in the opposite direction.)
  
I seem to always be pulling myself up from disappointments, and I do not really celebrate the wins the way I should.   I am becoming indifferent on many subjects and with many people.  Some say to become indifferent is to lose your humanity.   In a way maybe I am.  I am becoming numb to a lot of things. It makes me a little sad, if I let myself think about it.  So I do not, I push away my thoughts.  When people give me the side head tilt and "awe.. you can still have kids.. you can still get married."  ok.. but what if that is not what I want?  Why do I have to follow your plan or feel disappointed when I do not want that or for even thinking I may not want it. Why do people not follow through with what they say they will.?  Why should I believe them when they say they will?  Why am I the bitch when I do not give them the attention they so want.  I am courteous.  It may not be over the top southern belle, bless your heart you are just the cutest thing.. but I am courteous and polite (most of the time).  I wish people would mind their own business. 'Do unto others' , anyone?

I am ready for this wave of my life to pass,  as I am literally drained.  Work is stressful, home is stressful.. well not tonight.. tonight the house is clean.. i will be veggie and doing laundry and having some friends come by to visit :)  See upside to a rough couple of weeks.. YAY, I love it when I see that... even if it took me writing for the light bulb to go off!  BWHAHA I defy you Murphy's law

Day 89 - 2012 Doing the right thing

Doing the right thing is sometimes the hardest thing to do.  I am struggling with a few of my must do the right things at the moment.  Right now I know that I need to let L go.  I know that I need to let him go for him to let go of me.  I know he has tried over and over and I have tried over and over.  But there is just something magical that happens when we are together. We get lost in each other. Lunch could last for hours, hanging out could easily last all night, if only we did not have other obligations, other lives that did not involve each other. If somehow our lives could mesh easily.  I giggle as I think about us.  We both like things to come easily and when we are together it does, but when we are away, it does not.  I need both. He needs both.  It is hard not contacting him.  He keeps me company throughout the day.  Fun witty banter.  I miss that. I miss him.  Let go.. let go let gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  Easier said than done.   You would think I would be getting better and better at that, but NOOOOOO I am not. I have let go of friends  that really are not friends. I have let go of loser boyfriends, though for some reason I still am attracted to the losers.  Why? who knows.  Maybe it is something to fix, maybe I have serious self esteem issues so I go after ones that will worship me?  Sounds like I need a therapist or another blog post. I think this is so hard, because there never is a conversation about why, we both just fade off into the oblivion, only reaching out when the need for the other is so strong that we cannot resist reaching out. Is it because then it would be final?  There would be no excuse, we both would know.  Why can neither of us bring ourselves to say what the other is thinking?  Hope, fantasy...... a combination of reason...... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  It is the right thing to let him go.  I need to believe that.  I need to believe he will be happier with someone who fits in his life. here I am writing this post instead of putting him out of my mind.  In a way I am hoping this will help me let go.

I am also trying to turn my cheek a lot lately.  I am trying to take the higher road, as that is the right thing to do. What I want to do to, is tell a few people off and offer then to put their face in my hand.  But I will not. I will smile and take the higher road.  BOOOO higher road. I want to be a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum. I want to jump up and down and scream " I do not want tooooooooooooooooooooooo"  can you picture it? I can.. I can totally see it. But I will not.

Pretend to clink a glass with me and say, " I will take the higher road, I will do the right thing."

Day 88 - 2012 Drained

Wow today is a day week month year, years of lies, half truths and denials.  Maybe it is just getting more predominant as the norm. Some I think are told to keep others feelings from being hurt, though the lies hurt.  Some think they are staying out of trouble, when really those being lied too have less and less faith in them. It makes it hard for me to be nice, to take the higher road, to not call them out, to turn the other cheek, to treat them better than they treat me.  It is hard. I am drained. I feel like I have a fake smile plastered on my face at all times. Once I am home, I do not want to be nice, to fake a smile, to really do anything.  I am drained. It is rather sad.  I feel like someone has taken a plug and pulled it out of me and all of my energy just is draining away.  It is like I can see it swirl around before draining into the ground. Hopefully this feeling will pass soon!

Day 87 - 2012. Women's intuition

I am not sure why sometimes I am surprised when my intuition turns out to be accurate. But sometimes it knocks my breath away when I find out something that I kinda knew but just didn't Want to believe. It crushes me. But why? I knew it. I said it out loud, said it to myself and to others. Still it crushes me. I think it's because I get excited thinking even for a brief second that it will work out. I should know better. But I like to be optimistic. Today. That intuition is dead on. I see all sides and still feel crushed. Not crushed because of the outcome. Crushed because I was lied too even deceived. Sucks. :-(.

Day 86 2012. Babysitting

I love babysitting. I love the kids that I get to watch. I am lucky to nanny for some amazing families! I love my B family. They just are fabulous! The children make me smile. Even during meltdowns I adore these kids. They are sweet, kind, loving, funny, all around good children. The parents are fabulous, so generous and loving. I love being a part of their extended family. Makes me whole. Makes a bad week fade away and helps me keep my inner child on the surface. I feel like a big sis or a cool aunt. I am thankful to be able to spend so much time with such wonderful families!!!!! Whose a lucky girl? That would be me :-) yay!!!!!!!!

Day 85 - 2012 Coffee

MMMMMMMM my addiction to coffee has returned like a force to be reckoned with.   My coffee addiction began, when I lived in Miami. It was easy to be addicted to it.  A shot of espresso or cafe con leche for $1, mmmmmm the boldness, the aroma, the sweetness, the froth on your lips. I can close my eyes and can taste it.  So coffee became a regular thing for me.  Every morning, every afternoon. I learned  how to make a perfect cup of espresso.  You take the first few drops of espresso, and mix with 8 tablespoons sugar and stir a lot... then you add teh rest in.  If you want cafe con leche, you warm some milk and pour the espresso into the warm milk. mmmmmmmmm yummy sugary goodness.   I would never turn down a cup or shot. Heaven.  Then I moved to a city that did not appreciate good coffee unless they bought it at Starbucks (BOOOOOOOO)  so I weaned myself off, for years.  Then after getting addicted to coke zero and having my body reject that addiction, I have once again found my love for coffee.  I love trying to flavors, mixing them, adding different creamers and such.  It is like a piece of dessert.. and who doesn't love a little sweet stuff.

Day 84 - 2012 Lucky Girl

Some people do not believe in luck.  I do, I think it is related to karma and all that jazz, but I totally believe some people are lucky or charmed.   I always say I am a rock star. For some reason 9 out of 10 times I will find a front row parking spot.  Maybe it is because I do not always want that one. I would rather walk. but I am still thrilled every time I get one. Yesterday, Panera gave me a free lunch with their rewards program.  Today I had lunch with a friend who I think is just amazing, bought my lunch and gave me sunflowers ( I love love love sunflowers).  I feel like a lucky girl.  I have been in the best mood.  Very frisky mood.  Very smiley and I like smiles :) Lots of lucky happy things happening!

The day you decide to do it is your lucky day.

Japanese proverb

Day 83- 2012 Chaos

Chaos surrounds us.  Some people detest chaos, some thrive off of it, others enjoy watching.  I move from each of these.  Some days the chaos is just too much.  My stress level hits an all time high and I crumble under the pressure. Especially when high stress situations meet loud noise.  It is my kryptonite.  I crumble every time. But at other times, the chaos throws me into a world of my own. I get in a zone, I go into organizer mode and I try to control the chaos, sometimes by instigating, other times by organizing or letting go. Sometimes I just like to sit back and watch the drama unfold, it is like a personal soap opera. Lately my guilty pleasure has been GCB.  BWHAHAHA those women.  I love the main character and how she tries very hard to stay out of the others drama, but can stick up for herself and stay on the edges of the chaos, only dabbling when needed.   I like to think that is me. I at one point was the ringleader of the chaos.  I thrived off of it.  I wanted others to know how miserable or happy I was, I cared what they thought. I wanted to see drama unfold. I gossiped, and did things I am not proud of.  I am thankful I realized it, and some how drug myself out of the vicious chaotic drama filled cycle, to sit back on the side lines and sometimes in another room from the drama.  Drama and chaos are like a drug.  The more you have the more you need, and the harder to wean yourself off.  Once you are off, even to dabble seems wrong and seems like a slippery slope. I do not want to slip. Sometimes I can feel my evil side wanting to know the gossip or wanting to share what I know. It takes a lot to step back and not share, or walk away when the sharing is happening.  That one has seemed to have gotten me talked about. But that is okay, because if you are talking about others to me, then you are talking about me to others. It does suck, some of my favorite people, I have been shying away from. I love them, they are funny, they have such big hearts, but sometimes the drama gets too much for me.  It brings me down.  Makes me sad, they cannot see how they are effecting themselves. Just worry about you, and all else will fall into place.  So that is what I have been doing. I have been worrying about me most of the time with only helping others when they need it. I definitely shy away from worrying about what they should be doing. It is hard and not so fun, sometimes taking the higher road, but I know it is a much better route for me :)

Day 82 -2012. Way too much thinking

Wow. I have done a lot of thinking lately. Probably way to much.  I have looked at current loves, past loves, buying the house selling the house, house repairs, how to make more money, how to save more money, needing to refinance.. the list goes on and on.  I wonder if anyone else's mind races as much as mine.  I feel like I am going 100 plus mph on any given day at any given time.  Am I too much of a perfectionist?  Will I ever be loved? Will I ever love?  It is not like I have a lack of boys, I just seem to have a lack of ones that want to move forward.  I think at this age, we are all comfy with living alone and do not really want or need anyone else.  Being single is easier and much less scary.  I think some days my time has passed for finding love. Sad at times to think that, but other times is a refreshing thought, as I see friends divorce or break up.  Like I said wayyyyyy tooo much thinking!

One day at a time right?

Day 81-2012 Mom

I feel like a mom some days. I know I know I know.. I am to my animals.. and they do love me so.. butttttttt people in my life treat me like I am their mom.  Or maybe it is I treat them like kids.  I clean up after people, make them feel cared for and love, direct them in decisions in life. Change the toilet paper roll, because I know how hard that is.  Turning off lights, because again it is difficult to remember to turn off when you leave a room. I also have to stay quiet even though i know someone is doing something that might not work out for them.  They have to learn themselves.  10 years ago I  was not this girl. I was not the girl that would have made an amazing mom. One who is patient, and kind, loves their child endlessly.  Some women are and always have been, I grew into this.  I found that I love the laughter of a child and even find humor in some temper tantrums.  I like taking care of people. It makes me happy.  I like bring joy to others. I feel such empathy that I tend to take on what others feel, so if I can make others happy, then I am happy!  My animals make me happy.  They remind me of simple times and simple love.  They remind me that even on the saddest days, there is always joy you can find.

Find your joy today!

Day 80 -2012. Contentness

Yes I just made up a word. But I did so because sometimes I wonder if people cannot just be content. Not happy not sad just content with your life. It may not be the life you pictured. But it's still yours so why not at least be content if you are not willing to change. Stop making others miserable and just be content.

Some days I wonder about me. I adore L my fillipino. I am happy with him around I love that we talk all day about everything under the sun including our attraction to each other. I am content with how things are. I am content that it goes no farther than high school dating and make out sessions. I am content, because even though I know he would make me an incredibly happy woman. I know we both would have to make way too many sacrifices for it to work long term. Our lives don't mess. And I keep coming back to that. There is the obvious I am white he is not. His family comes from years of heritage and practices completely foreign to me and though I would learn I know my family would not. At least not my dad. Lol. Could you imagine a country boy learning Tagalog or Tagalog culture? So I am content with us for now and await the inevitable " we can't do this anymore ' talk. After 8 plus years I'm not sure I am ready for that. I'm not sure that I can say goodbye. He is one of the most thoughtful, sweet, gentleman I have ever known. He is respectful of boundaries.

I should be content for now and open to happiness. At least I'm not sad and bitter like some people :-)

Day 79 - 2012 Painting Class

WHOO HOO today I have a painting class.  They promise I will come out with a painting I am proud of.  What more could I ask right?  We shall see.  It will be my first painting on a canvas experience.   Ceramics.. piece of cake.. canvas.. we shall see.   Super excited!

Will post this for now and add more later!  let's hope it is good enough to take a pic of :)

Was not horrible. No Van Gogh but still worthy of the wall. I think all four of us did well. Really there were no bad paintings. Yes you canvas was awesome!!

Day 78-2012 Good times

Today is a day that had my life worked out like I had planned. I would have been cleaning up from my husbands 30th birthday party. However, I did not get married and thankfully so. Instead I am enjoying a quiet morning snuggling with my eldest cat. I am getting trying to find my motivation to go to home improvement stores so I can do yard work. Then I still need to clean my house and still make it to brunch. Also trying to find motivation to work out. You may giggle at that but I did a 90 min spin class yesterday and it was amazing but I definitely learned. Eating 700 calories more than I usually do is harder than you may think. It has been a busy yet super fun weekend. Hoping coffee kicks in soon.

It did kick in. I went to Lowe's, and did more landscaping (it is SLOWLY coming together, if only I had the money to do it all at once, my life would  be much simpler).  Got my house cleaned.  Turned on the air condition for the first time in MONTHS!  Ahhhh the nice cool breeze that came out, no more stagnent air that makes the house smell like dirty animals.  The dogs got bathed, my bedding all got changed. It was a nice clean ending to a nice relaxing, weekend.