Chaos surrounds us. Some people detest chaos, some thrive off of it, others enjoy watching. I move from each of these. Some days the chaos is just too much. My stress level hits an all time high and I crumble under the pressure. Especially when high stress situations meet loud noise. It is my kryptonite. I crumble every time. But at other times, the chaos throws me into a world of my own. I get in a zone, I go into organizer mode and I try to control the chaos, sometimes by instigating, other times by organizing or letting go. Sometimes I just like to sit back and watch the drama unfold, it is like a personal soap opera. Lately my guilty pleasure has been GCB. BWHAHAHA those women. I love the main character and how she tries very hard to stay out of the others drama, but can stick up for herself and stay on the edges of the chaos, only dabbling when needed. I like to think that is me. I at one point was the ringleader of the chaos. I thrived off of it. I wanted others to know how miserable or happy I was, I cared what they thought. I wanted to see drama unfold. I gossiped, and did things I am not proud of. I am thankful I realized it, and some how drug myself out of the vicious chaotic drama filled cycle, to sit back on the side lines and sometimes in another room from the drama. Drama and chaos are like a drug. The more you have the more you need, and the harder to wean yourself off. Once you are off, even to dabble seems wrong and seems like a slippery slope. I do not want to slip. Sometimes I can feel my evil side wanting to know the gossip or wanting to share what I know. It takes a lot to step back and not share, or walk away when the sharing is happening. That one has seemed to have gotten me talked about. But that is okay, because if you are talking about others to me, then you are talking about me to others. It does suck, some of my favorite people, I have been shying away from. I love them, they are funny, they have such big hearts, but sometimes the drama gets too much for me. It brings me down. Makes me sad, they cannot see how they are effecting themselves. Just worry about you, and all else will fall into place. So that is what I have been doing. I have been worrying about me most of the time with only helping others when they need it. I definitely shy away from worrying about what they should be doing. It is hard and not so fun, sometimes taking the higher road, but I know it is a much better route for me :)
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