Hair Shedding and so much love!

I was told by 2 weeks out from chemo I would start losing my hair. It is expected, I do not feel any real attachment to it. I know it is the process and with my hair loss, means the chemo is working.  Each night as I shower or brush my hair, I shed a little. I normally do not shed, so I know it is the beginning of my hair loss. Once it gets more, I will have a shaving party and shave it off. I have wigs and hats on standby if i do not like the bald head look. I am sure my kids are going to be like HUH? But is it just hair it does not define me, just like boobs or lack of them do not define me. I am more than my looks!

My toddler even has tried on my wigs.. how cute is he?  I swear he looks better than I do.

Goodness, today i have had a few people reach out that i have literally brought tears to my eyes. Friends,  I have worked with and adore.  People's kindness through all of this has been amazing. There is so much love in this world, if we just focused on that, we would all get along so much better. I really have had my faith restored in people and was so happy to be able to pay it forward today to one of my co-workers. Love really does exist, people are inherently kind (most people), evil is learned, we need more love and tolerance in this world. Life is too short not to be kind and love one another!

Thank you to EVERYONE that has reached out!  I am seriously  amazed every day with all of the love and kindness shown to me!  Brings tears to my eyes!  I love you guys!

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Love
Jamie

ps if you want to follow along my journey on Facebook please join us: https://www.facebook.com/groups/569719376534749/ 

Upswing

I was told I would have one yucky week after chemo then two normal weeks. I am on that upswing of normal.  I am not poopy, my body is aching to nurse my little one, and I just feel normal. I am a normal girl who is wig shopping. That statement makes me giggle. But it is true. I know my hair should start falling out soon, so I am getting a few wigs to have in case I want to wear them. I will save all for halloween outfits as I love being someone new.

I am so extremely humbled by so much outreach. It is amazing how many people I have touched at some point in my life!  Makes me feel like I have had a purpose. I feel like I  continue with that purpose as I fight this battle to get better!  I have had people, who know how "crunchy" I am, ask me why i am going with traditional treatment instead of alternative. Quite simple, even though I really really detest doing chemo and do not want to go through the surgery due to time away from my kids, I am too advanced (stage 3) to try and see if alternative treatments will work. I have to think of my kids. If I was single or it was just B and I, the decision may be different, but at this moment in my life, I have to do everything i can to be here for my kids. I may not do the radiation after chemo, but for now I will continue with this chemo path, to eviscerate this tumor and the cells that have escaped the breast area before they evade another space inside me. I am also using alternative methods to help fight this, alongside the chemo, but for now the chemo has got to happen. It saddens me to not nurse my kids, but it saddens me more, to think i will not be there for them growing up. So chemo it is and at the moment I am on an upswing which makes me super super happy!

Much love to you all!

Love Jamie

ps if you want to follow along my journey on Facebook please join us: https://www.facebook.com/groups/569719376534749/ 

Laughter is good medicine

Laughter is the best medicine. I am lucky I have an amazing support system!  I live ten mins from both B and I's parents, who are always willing to help!  I have my sister who is my best friend, .25 miles from my house, keeps my kids while I work, goes to Drs appts with me, cooks for me, helps me clean, always makes me laugh and so much more!  Then I have friends who stop by to laugh and check in on me, bring food/flowers/gifts, play with my kids and more!  Aunt Doula even visited from out of town this weekend!  

My friends re-charge me, de-stress me, challenge me, remind me that I am tough, remind me that my positive outlook will get me through, let me break down and cry on their shoulder, let me be scared for a moment, make me laugh  and remind me that I'll be making them laugh for a very long time to come. I really love the playing with my kids and laughing.  Nothing makes me more happy than laughing with my kids and friends!  Laughing soothes the soul!  It helps me to keep focused and happy!  Reminds me not to sweat the small stuff and to always find a silver lining in every moment!  There are tons of silver linings,  even with having cancer! Laughing makes me a better person!  I love to laugh and love to make others laugh!  Plus I have a pretty smile!  

Thanks to all of you that have reached out or come by!  You all really do help keep me smiling!  

:-)

Love J

Poopy and returning to work

Everyone asks me how I'm doing. I am fine,  I'm just poopy literally poopy.  After every drink, every meal I'm pooping or have that excruciating food poisoning gassy pain. I know that is a little TMI but we are all about being real around here, and well that is real.  It finally has eased up exactly a week from the first chemo treatment. Which means i should have 2 good weeks before the next round.   Things taste like cardboard so I have to be creative when cooking to want food but really,  other than that I am doing fabulous!

I started back work a week early from Maternity leave.  A little sad I lose a week with the boys but need to keep at least a week for FMLA in case I need it, since all was used to spend time with the babe.  The US maternity leave is just crap, really all medical leave is crap but that is okay. I got more than a lot of women get with their newborns.  I am very thankful for that. I am also thankful my sister watches my boys!  I did not cry at all this  morning!  I even got a pic of my brother in law baby wearing my son in the ergo!  Talk about melting... so thankful!  Also helps that i was sent a fun new LuLaRoe outfit, which made getting ready for work fun! 

Once back i was sent lots of messages from people who missed me!  That is always nice as well!  Feeling the love today! 

Thank you all for your support!

xoxo
Jamie

#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis

Chemo, weaning and more

Thursday was my first chemo treatment. TCH & P cocktail.

I arrived went to the lab section then to infusion.  Lots of waiting around for orders, then Iv fluids, Benadryl and pepsid, then the fun stuff,  they literally come with bags that have bright orange labels with a skull and "toxic" written on them. Talk about surreal... Shit got real!  The nurses put on special gowns and gloves before ever touching the bags. Shits real!  I luckily was able to pump one last night before all the crap got into my body so baby was able to have one last fresh bottle before having to live off frozen milk. 

By the time the chemo hits you, the other drugs have made you loopy. So I was basically drunk/high and wanting to talk to everyone. At least that way you don't care that toxic waste is going into your veins.  It's crazy!   B stayed with me all day, only leaving for some food. The day honestly is a blur.  I colored a lot.  It was a long day 8-6 but I was so happy to see my kids, then so sad I couldn't nurse them.  

After my shower I put in large bandaids over my nipples, so the tot couldn't get to them and I wouldn't try to nurse the baby in the middle of the night.  This went on for 4 nights. I was so engorged and in pain. My body ached to be nursed  and my heart broke when my toddler begged to nurse "me nurse mama please, please mama me nurse, mama me please nurse mama please...." Over and over. Both of us in tears!  Not pretty at all. The 2 month old adjusted to bottle life and going back and forth between formula and breast milk well! His tummy doesn't like us so much. He's very gassy but he's drinking like a champ! 

There are days like today when the baby cried as he rooted around for his boob. And I could feel a letdown. That made me cry! I know starting chemo was the right choice, both my husband and I feel the tumor has already shrunk but goodness do I feel guilty about putting my poor kids through this.  What I do know is I am going to be here to watch them grow into young men and those young men will be able to be told the story of how mama survived! She fought hard to watch them grow up. She may have been tired, had poopy side effects and no hair, but she fought and won!  I want to be there for them and for that I would do anything I had to in order to make that happen! 

I had lab work drawn and Iv fluids yesterday that made me feel much better 

2 more weeks until next treatment. Until then I'll believe this tumor is shrinking and pick out some cool wigs to sport! 

Xoxo

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis 

First day of chemo

I had my first chemo treatment. It was a very long day.  We woke up via an alarm which we haven't done in 2.6 years. We somehow managed to make it by 8:08 so only 8 mins late.

Saying goodbye to the kids knowing I would never ever nurse them again was hard. Jax nursed in bed but refused to again before we parted. I thankfully caught a sweet pic of them tandem nursing and then got a pic of my last nursing session ever with the baby 

We left with me in tears, grieving the loss of me feeding my babies and for me having to leave Cass for the first Time ALL day long knowing he had to take a bottle. Thank goodness for my sister. She got him to take 15oz over the day which was exactly what he needed! 

So we arrived at the cancer center. I got my port used for the first time. A nice needle gets put in they take some blood then seal it for the next use. Today I didn't have to see the dr so we got called back to infusion.  We took my weight, Height, answered questions then sat and waited. It was a little after 10:30 before we finally got the meds. Today was super long because they wanted to make sure I didn't have a reaction. I got lots of nausea meds, steroid and Benadryl all before we started. I also got to pump my last bit of fresh milk since we had such a long wait! 

Everyone was super nice and helpful! The nurses got a good laugh at my husband and I laughing together so much. It was nice to have some one on one time with him even if it was due to my chemo. 

So they would give me a drug then wait 30/60 mins to see if I reacted. They said next Visit will be cut in half.  They fed me lunch though next time I'll bring my own. And delivered tea and coffee at tea Time with cookies that I refused. I don't need sugar feeding this cancer!  I thankfully didn't react to anything and the Nausea meds they have given me are working great! I don't even need to take the ones they sent home with me. 

We got some at 6 and ran through to grab dinner on the way home. I have never been so excited to see my kids!  I hate being away from them for that long!

Little bit took over 15,oz of bottled breast milk.  Poor kid was so excited to see me just to find out he couldn't nurse :-( at least the toddler understood why.   We got home and of course I am in tears. I made him a bottle of half freshly pumped milk and half formula. He took an ounce from me then 3 more from daddy! We got in bed snuggled and were out after a little butt tapping as he tried to root for me. 

I woke around 1 waiting to see if he woke and he did. Around 2:30. He took a formula only bottle like a champ! 3 ounces downed like he was sucking on a boob and the oldest never woke to nurse just rolled over to snuggle. But ouch my boobs!  They hurt so badly and need to be expressed. Definitely ready for the morning as I can't move at the moment

Though I wouldn't change a thing! Chemo went well, the boys are adjusting and I get lots of snuggles! Love my life and my little snuggle monsters!

Here's to hoping I keep reacting well to chemo and am not too tired tomorrow. At least today wasn't a horrible day! It was rather good!  This party got started and I'm on my way to being cancer free!  Can't ask for more than that!

Last night of nursing before chemo

Today I got the call that chemo starts tomorrow. I cried a lot. Then decided it was topless day in our house and that the boys could nurse all they wanted. They did too!  The toddler nursed and nursed. The baby did his normal thing.  I know they will be fine and that i would rather watch them grow then nurse them but I'm still grieving that part. So today we nursed all day and tonight I'm still topless as they can nurse all they want.

I'm lucky I was able to capture the last time I got to nurse them both to sleep!  Not many moms get that and I did! So as sad as I am.  I am also glad to have the moments captured so I can look back and smile! Smile for the long journey I had with nursing and how much joy it brought our family!

Then I got to enjoy snuggles!!'

Here's to getting the chemo party starts so that we can get back to our lives!

Ps last tandem feed that morning. They even held hands.  Be still my heart be still

Nursing

Oh how I love nursing my boys.  I love how my body knows what to do for them. I love it when they are newborn and root around to find where to latch. The latch is so soft you Barely feel the suckle. They get mad if they drop it and can't find it again. It's comfort as well as nourishment. Boobies cure hunger, cuts, aches, boo boos and helps them relax to sleep as well as wake up. As they grow teeth come in, they learn to nurse without biting. They play with the nipple and sometimes the free boob. They swallow your lap with their body as they grow. You start with this little body and end up with someone who can do acrobatics to stay on the boob.  As they become toddlers they do the drive by nursing.  Quick sip and they are off.  They have no problems showing your boobs to the world when they want some.  JB would pull down my top whenever he wanted if I wasn't quick enough to stop him. The toddlers suck is strong and forceful.  You can feel the milk coming through the milk ducts and out of the nipple.  They are so peaceful as they nurse (usually).  I've gotten lucky with my nurslings.  They both latched well and gained tons of weight. Sadly cancer is cutting my 2nd nurslings time short. Saddens me he will never know how It feels to be able to use the boob as comfort as well as food. It saddens me he will be forced to use a bottle when he hates it. But I am thankful I got the time to nurse him and tandem nurse his brother.  I have caught such sweet moments with them holding hands or the toddler rubbing the newborns back   Moments I wouldn't trade for the world.

Moments like this:

And this: Why yes I'm nursing a monkey thanks to my tot!

I'm thankful for 2.6 years of nursing. I'm thankful my body kept my tot so healthy while he was in daycare and thankful my newborn doesn't have to go to daycare. I'm thankful I have pumped a ton to get the newborn extra time with the nutrients my body made for him. I'm thankful for such an amazing experience so many women are unable to have. I'm lucky to have nursed both kids! I wouldn't trade the cracked nipples, bites, mastitis, pinched nipples, hair pulling, public flashings, cold meals, dirty looks, praising for nursing, any of my experiences for the world!   Cancer is taking a lot from me but it's not taking my memories nor the nutrients I have provided! 

Chemo port

Just found out my chemo port is being put in tomorrow. Shits getting real! I won't Lie I broke down in tears. I held my boys tight along with monkey and cried, hard.  This shit is so scary. I know I'm doing what I need to in order to beat this but goodness this shit is scary.  I literally will meet with oncologist then go straight to hospital for outpatient surgery for the port. If I'm right chemo will start friday or Monday. I cant keep bouts of tears from coming.  They come randomly and with force. The thought of never nursing my babies again is a lot to take in, the thought of dying is unbearable. The thought of being sick and not being the mom I want to be makes me sad. Oh the emotions. Shit is definitely getting real. My poor 2,month old will be forced to take a bottle after only knowing how to nurse. He is a good nursling too!  His cuddles at night help me sleep soundly. And my sweet toddler. His demanding to nurse is as irritating as it is cute.  His snuggles are so sweet and His kisses make everything better!  I know the chemo is a necessary evil but goodness it just knocked me to my knees., I had a sweet sleeping baby in me when I got the news I had to be in pre op in an hour and I live an hour away. Good times!

Off to see the wizard!

Fear

Fear is consuming me some days. Fear that I didn't catch this cancer soon enough.  Fear that I won't see my boys as adults. Fear I will leave them too soon and they won't remember me. Remember all the love I had for them, the nights of snuggles, the dancing in our underwear, cooking dinner, washing dishes while singing. 

Fear I won't stay positive through out the this journey. Fear something will happen to my job that I love. Fear that my husband will say enough is enough and leave because he didn't sign up for this. Fear I'll be a crappy mom. Fear that even if I beat this round of cancer that it will come back in a new place.  Fear is real and hard to control.  It's like a dark storm coming at you while you are inside a safe place. You want to embrace it so it doesn't control you or bring you down. slowly it surrounds you.  You try to look for the light for the calm. My light is my boys. I can't leave them. They bring me such joy and I make them happy too . I will not let my fear consume me but I will let it drive me to fight!  This will be the hardest fight of my life. But I will fight! I will win. I will win because I don't hav a choice. My choice is to live! 

Emotions

Yesterday I was good!  My emotional state was amazing. I knew in my heart I was going to beat this thing.  I was positive, at peace, ready to tackle this head on.  I was told by multiple people how I amazed them with my attitude and how I was handling this. 

Today is a day after a core needle biopsy of my lymph node and I'm in pain. I also made the mistake of looking at survivor breast cancer group posts which frankly are depressing.  I had not even thought about the cancer spreading to other lady parts.  The kind I have could easily move on down. That thought scares me to my bones.  Not because I'm having more kids but because the recovery for a hysterectomy is long and I can't pick up my kids   That makes me more sad than anything.  My husband will be fine if anything happens to me. But my kids. Oh my my. The thought of them not having me, oh wow makes me cry and cry a lot.

Today at this moment is bad but I know I'll rally.  I just need Thursday to get here so I know what I'm dealing with and the game plan. I do know that looking at the chemo port pics, that's going to hurt :-(? I hate that this is taking me from enjoying my boys the way they deserve to be enjoyed and played with. I miss feeling  happy al the time. I know happiness is a choice and I refuse to let this bring me down   I will prevail!  Right now. I'm sad. But later I'll be okay