Fear

Fear is consuming me some days. Fear that I didn't catch this cancer soon enough.  Fear that I won't see my boys as adults. Fear I will leave them too soon and they won't remember me. Remember all the love I had for them, the nights of snuggles, the dancing in our underwear, cooking dinner, washing dishes while singing. 

Fear I won't stay positive through out the this journey. Fear something will happen to my job that I love. Fear that my husband will say enough is enough and leave because he didn't sign up for this. Fear I'll be a crappy mom. Fear that even if I beat this round of cancer that it will come back in a new place.  Fear is real and hard to control.  It's like a dark storm coming at you while you are inside a safe place. You want to embrace it so it doesn't control you or bring you down. slowly it surrounds you.  You try to look for the light for the calm. My light is my boys. I can't leave them. They bring me such joy and I make them happy too . I will not let my fear consume me but I will let it drive me to fight!  This will be the hardest fight of my life. But I will fight! I will win. I will win because I don't hav a choice. My choice is to live!