When you have to talk it out....

Today is hard. Today is one of those days that I had a few wins and then one person tries their hardest to suck the life out of you. They do not mean too and you cannot escape them but sometimes they drain you. That was the day today.

The good part is, even though my feelings were hurt and I cried A LOT!  I stayed calm,  and never raised my voice and by the end of a lot of back and forths, I was apologized too!  That right there would never have happened, had I  yelled back or shot off comments. It happened because I was finally able to stay calm and let the other person realize why i was feeling hurt.

Some days you have to talk it out. And this is always good!  Communication, effective communication, is never a bad thing. Even if the other party doesn't stay calm, you can. You can always breathe, think, and not react. It is hard but with practice, it helps communicating with those who do not communicate well and helps get your point across subtly where they usually will be like "Oh now I see"

This is still a struggle for me. I am usually patient up to a point then I am just done. If I yell it usually means, I have had enough, or I reacted to a trigger. When that happens, it is okay.  I do not beat myself up. I do learn from it. I do remember what triggered me. Life is full of lessons, and losing it, is just one more. So is effective communication.  We are not mind readers so communication is key in any relationship!

Do you struggle with communication and confrontation?


~Jamie

Zen Weekend

The kids and I had the best weekend!  Mama only lost her shit one time in the middle of the night, the kids only lost it a few times, it was a total win win weekend.  We had a lot of wins this weekend! 

Friday, we went to go walk to drop off little bit with my sister. Before we left, I cleaned yogurt off the stroller, twice. Yep, twice!  I didn't get mad. I didn't yell, I just scooped up the crying baby and let him know he was okay and we would get him changed, I empathized. I cleaned up the mess and looked at the clock, still somehow with a smile, and then I thought, Oh no, i don't have time to walk,  which started to make me sad and frustrated. I immediately recognized this and choose to smile and go ahead and walk. I am sooooo glad we did!  The kids and I sang songs, and the fresh air was amazing. The oldest decided he was going to stay with me, so we came home and cleaned the garage, like deep cleaned. It looks like a different room!  It is amazing!  The chaos is gone and it is a zen feeling room! Then we cleaned the car out, then we washed it, then we cleaned the house!  Our house smelled so good and we were so tired but we were soooooo proud of ourselves for just doing it!  What seemed overwhelming Friday morning, was such an accomplishment and I got to do it with my 4 year old!  That makes me super happy!  But that day was filled with the oldest melting down a few times and me having to really choose to be happy.  We had a moment at the store where were were there for about 10 mins with him just sobbing into me. Thankfully we moved the last 5 mins out to the car so we could sit without everyone watching. It has taken a lot of time for me to get a thick skin not to care what others think, but it isn't that thick... I could have carried him out of the store kicking and screaming and may have dropped him, instead, I got down on his level, empathized, and was able to get the crying to stop long enough for us to get back to the car where it started again but this time in a "mom you are my safe space way"  Had I handled it differently, I would have missed that key moment that he needed a connection from me with and boy am I glad I did not miss that.  We sang all the way home and he told me I was the best mama ever!  That was nice

Well Saturday, we had some road blocks, but we did not let that get us down!  We chose to make the best of the weekend and we did!  We made so many memories and had so much fun!  I was able to ride through meltdowns to the other side, with grace, patience, and was the rock my babies needed. I was able to through negative thoughts away and keep away from those who bring negativity into our lives!  I simply stated we were busy but thanks!  it was much needed!  Sunday after getting outside all morning we snuggled up in a dark cold room and watched movies and played games!  

It was a perfect weekend with my littlest loves!  My attitude helped theirs! It was amazing to see!  

Even the littles loved the weekend. Zen Mama, Zen Kiddos!

Hope everyone has a zen week!  

What is the latest perfect weekend you can remember?

~Jamie

Happiness is a choice

Happiness is a choice... 

Think about that. Happiness, is, a, CHOICE.   That is right, you read that correctly. It is a CHOICE!  You can choose to wallow in everything that is wrong your life, get mad at people who annoy you, etc or you can CHOOSE, to let it go. Acknowledge the issue, the hurt, whatever, then, release that energy and replace it with positive energy.   It is a Choice!

Now some of you are like, she is talking this mumbo jumbo hippie nonsense. I promise you it is not.  But if you are going to believe some plain Jane, then I will have to give you a very condensed version of a few key points in my life.

First, I went a very, very, very long time in my life being the  girl  who wasn't happy and who fit in. I would conform myself to fit in with whoever wanted to hang out with me at that time.  I was a floater. I floated between friend groups in high school and college. If someone in that group, gave off bad energy, was not nice, or I just didn't like them, then I would hang out with a different group more. I liked those who made me laugh and just wanted to have fun. I was all about the fun!  I was not only a floater but I also was a closet loner..  I ate lunch a lot of times alone on purpose. I would go find a sunny spot in the grass where i could lean against the school building and I would get lost in a book. Sometimes someone else who wanted to get lost in a book would come sit by me. Amy.. she was the best. She has been one of my best friends since we were in preschool. We rode to school together every morning. Her mom drove and her brother was there. So sometimes she would join me.  We could just sit and not talk and all was right with the world. I miss her.   In college moving friend groups was so much easier. You never had to see the old friends if you didn't want too and you could constant reinvent yourself. I still didn't know who I was and I wasn't slowing down to find out. I made a ton of mistakes trying to be happy. I landed myself in a crap ton of debt by spending more than i had to keep up with my rich friends. I took out student loans to go to law school because I thought it would make me happy, only to find out it was not making me happy. Now I am stuck with tons of debt (almost all paid off) and funny, I am happy.   So I took a lot of detours, I hit rock bottom more than once. I am a little hard headed. I kept searching and searching and searching for someone or something to make me happy. I was in the middle of gossip because I thought it made me look important. It didn't it made me look small and made me even more unhappy. Knowing peoples secrets is a hard job when you are someone who likes to gossip. You are constantly having to keep up with who you told what too and hope that the person you were talking about doesn't hear. All that changed! I never say a thing about ANYONE that I would not say to their face. I in fact try not to talk about anyone. I talk about the weather, what is happening in the world, anything but about others.  Especially secrets. I do not divulge a word, not even to my husband.   I fell in love with the wrong men. I blamed them for it not working, when it was me. I am not blaming myself in a bad way. I was not ready for love. I didn't love myself, how could I love anyone else.  I kept spending money, making poor choices it was all a bad, bad cycle.

I have tried multiple times in life to figure out who I am and what I love. The first time I did this was after law school. I took a year and didn't date. I only dated myself. I learned what I loved and didn't love. But I still had the tendency to conform to my group of friends. I still didn't have what i needed to be me. It was still  me trying to find happiness externally.  But I was on the right track. Again took a few detours but eventually I am back to today and today is a good day!

It finally took me hitting super duper duper rock bottom. I had broken up with my finance who was a self, lazy, lying, stealing, cheater, drug using, non communicating, non confrontation type of guy. He hated confrontation and did not like communication and if he thought I wouldn't like something he would lie.  We liked a lot of the same things and I finally felt like I wasn't changing for someone. However I was. I became angry, and closed off. I vented, complained and just over all was not nice to be around. He lied to me constantly, he stole from me, he used me. He  said he loved me but he didn't deserve me and you know what?  He was right. When he said that to me, something clicked.  That day I looked in the mirror and thought, "What is wrong with me, this guy is saying he doesn't serve you and he is right you can do a lot better and you deserve a lot better.  Also why you are at it, lets go for a run tonight you have some weight to lose"

That moment, that single moment, started me off on my fitness journey which would lead me to my happiness journey.   I got off my butt, I lost 45lbs and was fit! I was doing things that made me happy! I quit drinking and learned to have fun without intoxicating substances. I learned that I am a pretty funny girl and an amazing friend! My life seriously changed. I got up every morning and worked out for an hour, I would meditate, I would write down goals and go over what I was grateful for. Seriously, life changing behaviors.   If you have not read the Miracle Morning, read it!  It will change your life!

Since my rock bottom, I got married to someone totally different but with his own set of issues. But his issues are his, I control my happiness. We had two beautiful baby boys, then I was diagnosed with breast cancer, but that didn't stop my happiness. I didn't let that disease destroy all the hard work I have done. I have a 4 year old and almost 2 year old who will test the wills and patience of a saint. Some days it is hard not to take on their meltdown or Some days I fail miserably and yell at the kids, but most days, I am rocking this. 

 I am going to start sharing my struggles and wins with you guys! I want you to understand that life itself is not easy. It isn't! You have to deal with others attitudes, things that happen which are beyond your control and understanding but you can control your attitude and how you react or don't react!  if you want some good books to read, message me, I am always happy to give recommendations! I am also always happy to share my experiences. I have been on this journey for 20 years and I finally, finally have a grip on it. I fail often but I learn and I move forward.

Some 'Choosing Happiness' tips:

Don't vent: write thoughts down or record them if you need to to get them out of your head, then let it go. I have a convo with whoever in my mirror then i let it go and do not bring it up again. If I have a conversation, I always feel horrible after.. you will too, so remember that feeling and stop yourself from venting!

NO WORK TALK: I try not to talk about work. As sometimes it is stressful and I just do not want to rehash my day!  I will share wins but I do not complain for vent about the day.

No Gossip:  Do not speak it, do not listen to it. I get up and leave or change the subject and do my best not to respond back to it. Gossip hurts whoever you are talking about, and hurts you. You look little, small, petty and untrustworthy. You do not want to air other peoples laundry. let them do it themselves, I mean look on facebook any day of the week and someone is telling you about every detail of their life. Gossiping hurts that person by spreading info that could be or end up being twisted and a rumor, if they find out you took part you could lose the friend.  It is just not worth it.

Show Gratitude:  Each day the kids and I start the day stating what we are grateful for. I also keep a gratitude journal which prompts questions to make me think and the 4 year old, we fill out a kids gratitude journal every night. He says his most grateful parts of the day, what was totally awesome, rates his happiness and can draw a picture. It is amazing and a great way to end our day!

Weed out bad energy:  Whether you live in a house haunted by someone who was a murder or you have toxic friends. Weed that shit out!  Move, find new friends, whatever you need to do, escape that energy and only feed your body positive energy.

Your Vibe attracts your Tribe:  You have a lot of bad energy friends?  look at you!  You attract people based on your vibe. You avoid or are attracted to people  based on theirs. Stay away from negative people. They will suck you dry. Trust me, those people will not even notice you dropped them. They are so self absorbed they will always have someone to vent too and suck dry.  So be yourself, smile, stay positive and keep attracting people who you want to be like and who want to be like you, Happy!  Find people who love you at your worst and your best!  Find people who support you, lift you up and really care about your goals and well being!


Exercise:  This is good for your body, mind and soul!  Move your body!  It was designed to work, so work it!

LAUGH:  I cannot stress this enough, LAUGH!  "But i am a seriously person Jamie, I do not laugh" Well maybe you should start before you have a heartache.. LAUGH, it is good for the soul, it soothes your inner being, it gets you smiling and in a good mood. It is really hard to be in a bad mood when you are are laugh.. just saying.. super hard.. try it? I promise if you laugh you will get in a good mood. I laugh at everything. I get in trouble for laughing at my kids by my mom but goodness they are funny and really I want them to remember a fun, smiling mama!  So LAUGH!

Change your mind set to a positive one:  We all fail and have that "i am not good enough" thought, but as soon as you think something negative, immediately change your mindset " I am good enough. I am, "  Once you get in a habit of changing your mindset as soon as you realize you are off your happy course, you will eventually just be on the course. It takes work, discipline but it can happen!  Change your mindset and outlook and you change you!

STAY OFF SOCIAL MEDIA:  I do not mean be a hermit with it, I just mean do not sit there and scroll aimlessly through. Newsflash, its the same people talking about themselves or news articles that could be fake. There is not much good on social media. get on wish people happy birthday or check your fave group then get off. Set a timer if you need too and never, ever, ever aimless scroll when you have someone in the room with you. give that person your attention!  It is rude otherwise and you are missing a real life connection! (ps get out and have real connections that will also make you happy) Social media has been proven to make people more sad. Also remember that some people are lying, they don't really love their husband that much, they do not have perfect children, job etc.  they are faking it until they make it, you should too (just not on facebook)!

Smile and be Kind to others:  open the door for someone, smile at everyone you meet. Always, always, show kindness to others and smile at them!  These seem small but they go a long way and you are teaching your kids to always be kind!  Kind people are happy people!



Life is always going to throw you lemons but you can make way more than lemonade with them!

Here is to our Happiness Journey!  So glad you are joining me!

Love
~Jamie