I looked at pics this morning from right after my sweet baby was born. I looked at a version of myself that was so very happy, tired, and breastfeeding. I cried and cried. Cancer has stolen so much from me. It is sad. Even sadder, when I hear a friend tell me her breast cancer diagnosis, which is so very similar to mine that she will be doing the same course of treatment more than likely. That makes me super super sad. No one should ever have to go through this. All i can do is be there for her, but that is even hard since I am so far away.
I didn't realize how very raw all of this is still. I know I am "in remission" but the pictures brought it all back to me. The tears in my eyes thinking i wouldn't be around to watch my kids grow. The sadness, at seeing my hair falling out every time I touched my hair. The pushing through the pain of surgery for my port, so that i could nurse my newborn and his brother. oh the sadness!
What I am realizing, is that I am really, really, stronger than I ever imagined i could be, stronger, than I ever wanted to be, but I am strong. I may cry, but that is not a weakness, it is a way to show my strength in a tender light. I never want my memories to stop me from tearing up, because then it will mean that I have portioned a part of myself off to not feeling how I felt then. I think those feelings are important to my story. It is important for others to see the tears, to know that it was not an easy journey, but that even the hard journey's have a happy ending.
Make memories, Treasure the memories! 100 years ago, before videos and photography were main stream, it was the memories people lived with. Maybe the fading of memories is natures way of helping us heal and move on, but I would rather heal while remembering. I want my kids to look back and see how very hard mama fought to stay with them, and all of the amazing memories we made even though I was sick.
Love
~Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #makememories
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Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Friday, February 17, 2017
Been awhile
HI All
I am so sorry this has been awhile since I have posted. The Blogger app still is not fixed and it is hard for me to find time to blog without it. May have to switch to another website :(
My surgery was 1/5/17 and I have pretty much healed. I still have some tightness and soreness from nerves that were messed with and tendons not wanting to stretch properly. I am currently back working full time and have managed to sneak in a work out almost every day, sometimes twice a day.
I go back next week for Herceptin, but good news is my body has thrown itself into menopause, so I will not have to take drugs to make that happen! Thankfully the only real side effect that bothers me is the exhaustion. I can handle that for sure!
I am getting used to the new me, and being flat and fabulous. Sometimes I feel like I am looking in the mirror at a teenage boy and others I own my body. My sweet husband has been really amazing through all of this and making sure I realize he still loves me and is attracted to me. I know it can't be easy for him either but he says it is. He loves me no matter what. That definitely helps make this easier! So many husbands leave their wives, so I am thankful he is making an extra effort to make me feel special at a time when i need it the most.
I go back to surgeon on 3/1 to look at scars once more to make sure they have healed the way he would like and they seem to be doing fabulous!
It is odd that i feel like the boobies are still there. When the kids rub or I hit my chest, it feels as if the point of contact is larger than it is, ie i feel like there are still boobies but sadly there are not.
I have gotten used to figuring out which shirts will look best on me and have started whiddling down my current wardrobe and will continue to do so until I only have things that make me look and feel nice. I am loving the soft tank tops with no shelf bra. Sadly I have tons of nursing tanks and shelf bra tanks that i will have to give away :( very sad because some are basically brand new.
I see pics of myself with no hair and it feels like a lifetime ago, even though it was just a few months. That gives me hope that eventually this will all be a very distant memory.
Sadly enough one of my friends was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Still waiting on pathology, but goodness did i cry. I know she will be fine, they caught it early, but goodness the thought of someone else going through this is just... too.. much... we need a cure and we need one yesterday. Too many people are being diagnosed daily. I am so thankful for how far we have come and how this is no longer a death sentence but goodness it is scary and just crappy the treatments we have to go through. But soon this will be a distant memory for her too.
I hope you all have a great weekend!
Love
Jamie
#wegotthis
#fightinglikeagirl
I am so sorry this has been awhile since I have posted. The Blogger app still is not fixed and it is hard for me to find time to blog without it. May have to switch to another website :(
My surgery was 1/5/17 and I have pretty much healed. I still have some tightness and soreness from nerves that were messed with and tendons not wanting to stretch properly. I am currently back working full time and have managed to sneak in a work out almost every day, sometimes twice a day.
I go back next week for Herceptin, but good news is my body has thrown itself into menopause, so I will not have to take drugs to make that happen! Thankfully the only real side effect that bothers me is the exhaustion. I can handle that for sure!
I am getting used to the new me, and being flat and fabulous. Sometimes I feel like I am looking in the mirror at a teenage boy and others I own my body. My sweet husband has been really amazing through all of this and making sure I realize he still loves me and is attracted to me. I know it can't be easy for him either but he says it is. He loves me no matter what. That definitely helps make this easier! So many husbands leave their wives, so I am thankful he is making an extra effort to make me feel special at a time when i need it the most.
I go back to surgeon on 3/1 to look at scars once more to make sure they have healed the way he would like and they seem to be doing fabulous!
It is odd that i feel like the boobies are still there. When the kids rub or I hit my chest, it feels as if the point of contact is larger than it is, ie i feel like there are still boobies but sadly there are not.
I have gotten used to figuring out which shirts will look best on me and have started whiddling down my current wardrobe and will continue to do so until I only have things that make me look and feel nice. I am loving the soft tank tops with no shelf bra. Sadly I have tons of nursing tanks and shelf bra tanks that i will have to give away :( very sad because some are basically brand new.
I see pics of myself with no hair and it feels like a lifetime ago, even though it was just a few months. That gives me hope that eventually this will all be a very distant memory.
Sadly enough one of my friends was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Still waiting on pathology, but goodness did i cry. I know she will be fine, they caught it early, but goodness the thought of someone else going through this is just... too.. much... we need a cure and we need one yesterday. Too many people are being diagnosed daily. I am so thankful for how far we have come and how this is no longer a death sentence but goodness it is scary and just crappy the treatments we have to go through. But soon this will be a distant memory for her too.
I hope you all have a great weekend!
Love
Jamie
#wegotthis
#fightinglikeagirl
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