Post 23-2014 - When life throws you lemons....

When life throws you lemons, you have a few choices.. the obvious is to make lemonade.. or lemon water in my case!  I love lemon water..  nutritious, and yummy!

Recently, my company laid off my department, rather quickly.   I had a few choices.  I could cry like some people did.  I could sulk.  I could look at the bright side and look for other jobs (which I did) . I decided to look at this as a great opportunity for a new career path. I mean I have been in my current position for 7 years!  That is a long time and that time sometimes makes you complacent.  Which I was. There was no challenge most days. I enjoyed what I did for the most part. I knew my job backwards and forwards and could do it in my sleep. I was never off. Checking emails at night was the norm.  

The same day as the lay off. I contacted someone regarding another position in the company. I got it!  The new position is full of challenges, and dealing with happy people. Which is such a nice change!  I am slammed, but I am loving it. I am now hourly, so my working for lunch all these years finally pays off, because now I get to leave early!

I am so thankful I kept a positive outlook. I truly think that was part of the reason the universe sent me this new job. I am truly grateful for lemons.. as they help me make some yummy things!

Post 22 - 2014 Be Thankful

As we approach the Holiday season, I hear a lot of grumbling about spending time with family. I admit it, I am one of those people at times. I listen to others in my ear telling me to be selfish and do what I want.  Then I remember, my family, especially the older ones, will not always be here.  When you are young, you forgot that. As I am getting older, and my friends are starting to lose parents, and I only have one grandparent left, I realize that they will not always be there, and we may not know when the last time is the last time, we get to see them.

No one likes to think about death, but it is a part of life. I am thankful my granny has seen my child. I worry sometimes that she won't see the next, if there is a next. I am sad that my other grandparents never saw me married or were able to meet my son. I am thankful for my Granny who always wants to see me, and how she keeps me company on my drive home from work. She is so spirited. So many of her traits have been passed down the line, including stubbornness!

My parents are getting older so are B's.  We never know if this Holiday season will be the last one we spend with any of them or they with us.   Is it annoying to have to plan things with people who don't want to plan or who are inflexible.. YESSSSSSSSS.  Will I do it?  YESSSSS, and with a smile on my face, as I want to make memories that last years to come. Make memories and treat each day like it is my last. If this was my last day on earth, I would not want people to remember me as negative or pessimistic. I want to be remembered as loving, optimistic, fun girl.

I am thankful, for my family, as well as my friends. I love the memories I have of cooking thanksgiving dinner with friends, and one day I will have great memories of me cooking thanksgiving and Christmas dinners with family. My family that B and I create. One day I hope to have my childrens spouses and their kids around the table. That time will be my time, now, Holiday time are for our parents, and my Granny. It is their time. I will cherish this time, I will love this time, and I will go with a smile on my face.

For those who grumble, remember that they will not always be there. Get out of your selfish mode for the day, and make someone else happy. I promise you will benefit from it too, and it really really will make them happy

Happy Holidays!

Post 21-2014. The year I quit drinking

 Last night we went out for a fun date night. Though looking back on how the night progressed, I can't help but reflect on the year I quit drinking and the girl I once was. Last night I had 3 drinks. 3.  That's not a lot by any standards. But it is a lot for me. Had we not had a curfew of 9:30 to relieve the sitter, 3 could have easily turned into way more. Though as I was drinking the 3rd I had my realization that I needed to walk away. I put it down, with liquid still in my bottle  and went home. 5 years ago that never would have happened. I would have drank every last drop and invited people back to the house for an after party. Then the next thing I would know, the sun would be coming up and I would be going to sleep.     The year I quit drinking I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about who my true friends were and who were not really my friends. The year I quit drinking I learned about icing life to the fullest aware of my surroundings and remembering how much fun I had.  The years prior to the year I quit drinking, were filled with dangers, lies, blackouts, not being kind to myself, not being kind to others, being this other girl who I do not recognize or like. A girl who should have been raped or killed. Who wasn't careful, who did things that are completely different than anything I would do sober. She was selfish, mean, had no inhibitions, was thee life of the party but not in a good day. She drank too much, didn't know how to quit, or say no, had low self esteem, very opinionated, pushy and just not nice. She was the reason I quit drinking for a year. She made me realize I was better than that. She scared me with her blackouts and not remembering. She had my rely on others for memories, some of which were not true. Lies were told about her and I couslnt  dispute them. I thought she might me an alcoholic so I made her quit drinking. For one year we quit. For one year I drank soda, tea or water at happy hour. For one year, i dealt with snide remarks about me hosting a happy hour but not drinking. I was told me not drinking made some people not trust me.  I awoke to a new world. I started working out I lost 50lbs. I learned to love me. I  Was enlightened. I became the person I thought I was all the time. I became the best friend anyone could ask for. I cherished those who stood by me in my dark days. I learned I never wanted to me that other girl again.  When the year of not drinking ended. I was stronger, I had self esteem, I was nice and beautiful and for and loved me really really loved me. I knew who I was and where I was going. I was thankful and humble. I learned I could drink 2 drinks total before there was a chance that other girl who I walked away from could emerge. I learned really I was happy with 1 drink  with dinner occasionally. I learned who my true friends were.  I learned I was a better person sober and I really liked her.  The year I quit drinking taught me a lot. Mainly I will never forget why I quit and will do anything to make sure that girl other girl never appears again. For my friends, for my family and for me 

Post 20 - 2014 Trust your instincts

Trust your instincts!

Anytime I do not trust my instincts, something goes wrong or I get myself into trouble.

When I was single it was that voice in the back of my head that said, "uhhh he is not a nice guy", or "there is something off about this, get out of the situation". One time that voice hit me before i went on a date, I meta-crawled (before googling was big.. showing my age huh?) the guy and he has been arrested for date rape.  Yeah I canceled that date. Crazy to think what could have happened to me.  So single girls, listen to yourself!  And for the love of Pete DO NOT get hammered on a first date!

Or when you get that feeling like you need to talk to a friend, just to call h to find out they are going through something and really need you.. that is your instinct.  Do not ignore it, pick that phone up.

Mamas when it comes to your babies, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!  You get a funny feeling about daycare, look into it; You think the baby is fine sleeping through the night but the hubs doesn't, trust yourself; You do not like your child's friend, trust yourself.

Life would be way better if we trusted ourselves.

So after beginning this post and not finishing yet (as per my usual)  I saw this article which also states "trust your instincts"

Since I've rambled and walked Away from this several times. I will end this post since I don't remember all I intended to write. But seriously. Trust you instincts! 

Post 19 - Co-sleeping

For those of you that know me, I am a fairly crunchy Mama. Never thought I would do a few things before I had my child, but once I had him, some of my preconceived notions changed.

One of those items was co-sleeping. My husband and I had discussed this pre-baby and both agreed, the baby belongs in their own crib. We were good with them being in the bassinet until they were ready for the crib, but the crib was where he would go.

We followed this for awhile, kinda.  When we brought him home from the hospital, it was cold.. I mean like the coldest months of the year and we live in a 1924 house with no insulation.  So our little started out in his bassinet, in the warmest swaddle blankets we could find, and even covered part of the bassinet with blankets trying to keep the warmth in. At one point we even added a heating pad to the end of the bassinet to aid with heat.  We even around 3 am when it was super cold, would let him sleep face up on my chest (I sleep on my back and do not roll over, plus a very light sleeper)  My parents were sweet and bought a stand up heater for us and that definitely helped. Our room was finally warm.   We started the night out great, the baby would sleep in the bassinet, sometimes he and I would fall asleep while he was eating, but again I never rolled over, and he just laid on my chest. I never fed him on my side, when he was that young. I was almost on my back and he laid on top of me.  He at 2 weeks would lift his head. It was crazy. For naps, he just napped on my chest while I watched tv or wrapped him up to get things done.  For the most part at night, though, he stayed in the bassinet right next to me. The only issue was he never could self sooth, because I would grab him as soon as he made a sound so that my husband would not wake. Around 8 weeks, we moved him to his crib and he did sooo good. He woke every 3-4 hours to eat then went right back to sleep. We felt so lucky. When we went to my parents, he slept in the pack and play in "his" room. We were plugging right along with our plans.   Then the little and I went on vacation, where we had to fly and had no pack in play. He was 6 months and  he could roll around, was crawling, sitting up, and had some weight on him. While on vacation, we co-slept. Co-slept in a queen bed and a twin bed. It went really really well and Mama and baby got used to getting a lot of sleep, since I didn't have to get up to get him to feed him. When we got back home after that week, we tried to go back into the crib but it was rough.  So about once a week my husband would sleep on the couch so that the baby and I could have the bed, since he did not trust himself not to roll over too much.  By month 8, one night a week was more like 6 to 7 nights a week.  Month 10, we added the bed rail and the baby sleeps against the rail and me, so my husband can come to bed when he wants too. The baby has his own baby pillow, our bed is harder (not memory foam), we have a thin blanket, we do not smoke, just my pillow and my husbands and any time I wake, I check him to make sure nothing is covering his mouth/nose. He is 21 lbs now and pushes me over in the bed. Still every time he moves, I wake to check on him. He still feeds on top of me, or with his head cradled on my arm while drinking.

Today I wake to see in my Facebook feed this woman with a 3 month old who decided to co-sleep, fell asleep while side feeding her baby, and woke, but her baby never did. He suffocated more than likely. It broke my heart. I cried and cried, as I could never imagine going through that pain. As I write this my 10 month old is asleep on my chest and the thought of losing him, because we co-slept and I accidentally suffocated him makes me want to throw up.   My sister has co-slept with both her girls, and one time when the youngest was a few days old, she was in the recliner with her, and fell asleep, woke up to the baby between her and the recliner, she has not idea how she didn't suffocate.  That scared her so badly she only slept in the bed with the baby from that point on. As she had nothing in the bed for her to suffocate on but her. Most babies suffocate from sleeping with someone in recliners and couches as they have sides and non breathable material, so NEVER sleep with your baby there!!

We all make choices that we think are the right things to do for us and our family. We do not know the circumstances of this woman who so tragically lost her baby. What I do know is that you have choices. You can co-sleep by using a co-sleeper, a bassinet or crib with the side down, you can bed share and make sure you do not have anything the baby could suffocate on and enough room for you both to move around.Some doctors are pro co-sleeping, as you can check on your baby easier. Others are against it for the suffocating reason.

You can never co-sleep, and use monitors to track breathing and heart beats to ensure you wake quickly in case the baby stops breathing. Though from all I hear about SIDS, even if the child is in your arms, if they are pre-disposed to SIDS, there is not anything you will be able to do. We have the angel monitor which really is our peace of mind from ours not breathing and that thing goes off and scares the piss out of me. Or wait until yours is much older (over 6 months) to co-sleep where they can roll over on their own and push you, blankets, pillows etc out of the way.

Here is a good article about SIDS and co-sleeping: Does Co Sleeping Lead to SIDS? - HealthyChild.

Unfortunately you can do all the "right" things, and still something tragic can happen.  Do your research, trust your gut and be safe!

Post 18-2014 date nights are important

Tonight was our first date night out on the town in 10 months without little bit. We had fun though it was odd not having him with us. My hubby was in such a great mood and so was I.  Lots of laughs were had and he got to meet some friends for the first time in person.  It was nice to reconnect as a couple.  We have so many fun memories of just us and just us and animals, but it's sometimes hard to remember days before he had little bit. Those memories seem so far away.  Tonight we made new memories, got to act like we were childless for a few hours but came home to our sweet energizer bunny.  

Date nights are good for your relationship.  They help remind you of the couple you were pre child.   They spice up your sexy time and much more.  we know this but it's so hard to find the time and energy to do this. We have made a commitment to have more date nights.   We have another one in two weeks and I'm excited. I can tell you my hubby was excited all day about the idea of having alone time with me.  Usually we do date night in, which is fun and our way to reconnect after little bit goes to bed. So don't think you always need to go out. Making time in or out of the house work, doesn't matter how, just matters that you do it.  Date nights are important!

What are some of your favorite date night ideas??

Post 17, 2014 Loving your child

Lately I have heard so many parents venting about their kids. They hate this, they hate that, why can't they just do xyz.   Some down right say they hate their kids. Maybe I am just too new to this Mommyhood thing, but you hate your kids?  I mean they are little people who came into this world with a blank slate. You cannot expect them to act like an adult. Even my husband sometimes says things to our 10 month old and i am like, "really? he is 10 months old.. it takes a lot or repetition for him to catch on." I mean I do not want a hair puller or biter either, but he is 10 months old. You see i am more of a peaceful attachment parent, my husband is more of spare the rod, spoil the child.  Where I think me being spanked, just made me fear my parents and learn to lie, he thinks it helped him. Two different parenting styles that have to figure out a way to mesh together. Not so easy. The one thing we agree on, is we love our child. We really really love him. We hit the kid lotto with him. He has his moments, but he is a happy happy  baby. Some people say it is because B and I are so happy and laid back. I would love it if that were true, but i guess we will never know until we have a 2nd if we do. For now I will take my happy go lucky baby.

I even on the days where he's tired and cranky do I love my child.  I can't expect him to always be happy when we as adults aren't. As adults we are not always pleasant to be around, and we can express ourselves.  They can cry and scream. Everyone has bad days and being  a kid who cannot communicate seems like it would be a little scary. I mean you have gas and it hurts as an adult, you know why, as a baby, you just know you are in pain.  You do not know it will pass, and you cannot ask for medication to help with the pain, so you cry. Someone tells you "no" or "stop" as an adult, you understand why, and it stings but you deal with it. (well some people deal with it). As a child. you cry, you pitch a fit (some adults never grow out of this). It is my job as a parent to teach my little one how to express himself without pitching a fit, or I will end up with one of those adults they never grow out of it. Kids get angry, and they do not know how to express themselves. It builds up and they pop!  Adults who do not learn how to deal with their emotions as a child, have the same issues when they get older.   We cannot hold our kids to the same standards we do adults. We have to teach them, and teaching them take time, patience and a whole lot of love. I cannot imagine giving up my child to my husband and saying, "take him he is yours"  That would make my heart hurt and honestly probably kill me.

Love your child, even on the days you do not like them. Love them and feel their love back. They love you whole-heartedly. Nothing is better than seeing my child smile! Melts me every time. And his giggles.. oh his giggles, I always hope he finds me as funny as he does at this moment in time, as I am the most hilarious person to him and I LOVE that!  Your child can help boost your confidence if you let them!

Your child did not choose to come into this world, you chose for them. Nurture them, teach them, be patient with them, learn from them, and love them! Love them for them. Whether they are moody or happy go lucky, love them. A loved child that feels secure, will become a well adjusted confident adult. It is proven time and time again.  Ignoring them, not showing them love, and always belittling them, will produce a insecure unhappy adult, and who wants that?  Some say loving them too much spoils them, no giving them everything they want, spoils them. Loving them, making them feel secure costs nothing, but will produce a very amazing and awesome product!

What are some of your favorite things about your child??

Post 16 2014 - Spoiling my child

Some days I feel like I am spoiling my child. Then I look at other kids, and think, at least he is a happy happy baby. He minds pretty well for a 9 month old, he is happy and giggly and loves to smile. Sure we do not always follow the "sleep in the crib all night" rule. But really when else will I ever be able to cuddle with my infant? Never, in a little over 2 months, he will be a year old, A YEAR. when did this happen? So for now, if letting him co-sleep part of the night is spoiling him, then yes I am guilty as charged!

He gets to eat what he wants, well what I put in front of him. He gets a straw sippy cup that he carries around with him. He gets told to stop when doing something wrong, like playing in the cats food or pulling my hair. He is learning right from wrong, in a loving environment. I love it when I walk up and he is doing something, he knows he shouldn't and he jumps and moves quickly from that spot. He is loving, cuddly, smiley, and easy going most days. He is grumpy when tired or hungry, but usually just when tired, as he eats a lot. He loves playing with random things more than the toys that were given to us. He loves to giggle all the time, gives kisses and hugs.. so if I am spoiled him.. I am okay with  that. I only have him as a baby once.. only once.. so I think i will take the cuddling as long as i can and spoil him!

Post 15 - 2014 Just say no to devices.

I read this article today: http://renee-robinson.com/a-letter-to-my-boys-the-real-reason-i-say-no-to-electronics-repost/

It hit home, because my husband and I agree with the what it says. We have discussed numerous times that though it may be easier to hand over an electronic device, we do not want our child growing up addicted to one. We want him to understand sometimes you just have to wait. Sometimes you have to talk to others, even if you do not want too. We want him to understand the art of conversation. We want him to have skills that so many of his peers will be lacking. I want him to be a leader. To be a leader  you must understand, conversation; how to interact with people;  how to deal with different kinds of personalities and situations; to have manners; to work hard for things. So many kids expect these very very expensive devices that I will not even buy for myself.  You see adults and children at a dinner table with no conversation. Some of them are texting the other party or other people. It is rude. We are raising rude children and becoming rude adults. These devices are changing out society and not for the better. Instant gratification is taking over our society. I am guilty, I love my 2 days shipping on amazon. But i am also willing to wait those 2 days to get a cheaper price than drive to the store and get my item NOW.

We would rather live our lives through facebook, instragram, twitter (etc) than talk to someone face to face. If we see a "friend" in public, do we say hi, or try to dodge them so you don't have to talk?  It is funny because now after becoming a mom, I notice how much time even my husband and I spend on our phones. I make a conscious decision to put my phone down and spent uninterrupted time with my family.Facebook is not my life, my family is. So I put down my phone and spend time with them.  My husband is still working on this.  I want to be an example for him (both hubby and son). I do not want him to see me always on a device and think that is okay behavior. I want him to see me playing with him, talking to him and giving him my full attention. I want him to learn the art of a conversation, and not just texting. I want him to learn how to write a letter, not just text and email. I want him to be better than most of his peers and learn the lost art of things that are slowly going away, like how to change your own oil in your car, mow your own grass, clean a house. I want him to take classes in about being an electrician, plumber, mechanic, woodworking. I want him to know how it feels to work hard with his own hands to accomplish something, so one day he will appreciate that desk job even more. I want him to know there is a life outside and that tv, computer, playstation, ipad are all things that are wants but not necessities. I want him to pay for his friends gifts out of his allowance. I want him to learn at an early age the value of money and how to spend it and save it. I want more for him than the average kid. I want him to value conversation, hard work and people more than any thing I could buy him. If that makes me a bad mom, then a bad mom I will be. I hope that it will make him realize I am a good mom and love him enough to tell him no.

Wake up from your electronic induced comas and come out and play in the real world. You might be surprised at the fun you will have! i mean real life fun, not game, drama induced fun!. Just try it. Put the phone down and come play!

Post 14 - 2014 Traveling with an Infant

Traveling with an infant, is like no other traveling i have ever done. When driving, not a huge deal, you can bring toys, most everything you may or may not need, even a pack in play for them to sleep in (for you non co-sleeping parents). If you travel by plane, that is an entirely different story, as well if you are traveling alone with an infant. Especially if you are checking a car seat at the gate (I did that). Flying up not so bad, hubby helped me through to get the luggage checked, security was super nice and helpful. Flight back was more of a hassle, had to get from curb through checking with luggage, car seat and infant, then security line did not have a family line so that was a bear, it was just one thing after another.

Some people feel comfy borrowing or renting a car seat, if you are one of those people, your life will be easier. I am  not. I spent a lot of time before buying our car seat as well as had little bit try it out. He loves his car seat LOVES it. He hated his first seat and made sure you knew it every time he was in it. I had to pack all of the stuff we may need in one large case since i only have two hands. Luckily I am a baby wearer, so I had him in a sling which helped tremendously!  Most of my luggage were things for him. Some toys to keep him happy, clothes, lots of burp cloths and rags as he spits up still, though not as bad as he used too. Diapers gallore!  Which i could have bought up there but I didn't know when we would make it to a store and I packed what I needed with a little wiggle room.

Since we flew the baby and i co-slept (mine is 6 months old, so rolling on him and smothering him, very unlikely). He is a snuggly bunny, you know he is there, and I do not roll around in my sleep. I will say the co-sleeping was my fave part, even though my sleep was reduced, as I slept lighter than normal. It was nice to wake up to his smiles in the morning.

I fared well, I came back with 2 unused outfits, all the rest we went through for him, and only 2 pieces of clothing for me that was not used, and that was only because I bought more while up there. We flew out with luggage, car seat, two carry ons.  We can back with luggage, car seat one carry on :D  I think that scores as a win!.

I was exhausted from making sure the baby was okay, not getting into things, not screaming much, making sure I could get him to sleep either for nap or night time. I was always on. I will say I missed my hubby terribly and since we have been back he has been so much more helpful. I think he missed us too!. I also learned i do not want to be a single parent. Props to those who are! You guys ROCK!

So my advice,
pack what you need now, buy what you can at your destination
Make sure diapers, wipes, rag and a toy are in your carry on and that you can get to it easily.
You do not need a bag of toys, just pick 4 to 5 and take those.
You do not need 5 plus books, take one
Take your car seat ( i saw a bunch of people luggage checked theirs, i thought gate checking worked well, I put it covered on a luggage wheelie thing and had no issues)
Cover your car seat. i was so glad i did, it rained and my cover was wet wet wet!
use a sling to carry the baby instead of a stroller. It will save you a gate checked item and give you extra hands.
Co-sleep or borrow a pack in play
Try to impress on those visiting that the baby needs naps and not to be in a car seat for LONG periods of time. (easier said than done)
Make sure they know what bed time is.. and that it is firm!
Enjoy your one on one time if traveling alone, if not, be thankful for extra hands!

Have fun!

Post 13, 2014 A good mom

I get told often that I am a good mom. I like to think I am. I put a lot of thought and work into it. But in reality the lil' makes it super easy. He is my world. I do not mind getting up at night with him or listening to him cry, helping him through a grumpy phase or making him laugh. I do so love his laugh. I love how excited he gets and starts flapping his arms up and down. I love that he has found his feet and can reach for toys. He has started to wiggle to get to where he wants to go. I love love love watching him learn new things and test his boundaries. He is such a happy baby and just wants to see you smile. He knows if he smiles, you will smile. And he loves to smile at you. His smile melts every fiber of my being. The worst day is okay because of his smile.  I am calm, he is calm. He melts down and I smile. I know some days will be rough but right now, I am just enjoying him. If that makes me a good mom, then why yes, yes I am!

Post 12, 2014 Giggles

I will say my fave thing so far about being a mom is those sweet giggles my child gives me so freely. It used to be his smiles, which he gave me from almost the beginning, now it is those giggles. I love how when he sees me he smiles. It is like it is his way of telling me he loves me so. His smile melts me, and his giggles are so contagious. As I write this, I can feel my milk letting down, even though I just pumped. The thought of him affects me in ways I could have never imagined. This love that I have for this little being, is immeasurable. It is amazing how he makes me react. Even when we are running late, I have been pooed on, spit up on, almost tripped on the wet floor because someone grabbed my cup of water and threw it down, none of it matters, when he looks at me and smiles. Which is every time he sees me. His little arms wrap around my neck and his hands twist my hair, it hurts, I do not care. He smiles, and giggles when I say "ow" and I melt all over again. I hope these feelings never end. I want to cherish every moment of these early months and years. Before long I will be hearing "I hate you" "You hate me" and much more. For now I will take the sleepless nights and the rest of the obstacles for a smiles and giggles!

Post 11, 2014 lonely

Some days I feel alone in my marriage. We got married late in life and are very independent people but I have worked very hard to be one unit and my husband not so much.  I feel like I make one step forward to being one unit and he makes us go two steps back. Not sure what he is holding on to or afraid of. I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I feel like I'm doing all the work and I'm tired. I'm tired and lonely. I miss my partner. He would rather hang out with his phone than his wife  unless he's in the mood. And well he's hard to read and I'm tired of trying and being let down. We can't even plan a date and  we have a sitter. He's stubborn and doesn't want to compromise but if you   ask him he will say he does. Only children are selfish and cannot communicate.  I can't change someone and I'm tired of trying to make him see he's not alone anymore. But a thank you or making a plan would be nice.  I'm tired so tired and teary oh so teary. Hope he gets his head out of his phone soon. 

~a tired wife and mom who feels very under appreciated

Post 10-2014 Riot girl to Peace and love girl

I have this "Venting" book a co-worker gave me years ago. Today I opened it and wrote in it. I also looked back a few years and read some prior posts. I have not thought about this book in a really long time. Reading  my past entries made me realize how far I have come. Back in 2011, I was a very angry girl, not all the time but she was still there. Angry, bitter, not in control over her emotions. So my entries are quite comical and more like a "Riot punk girl" today entry was light airy and full of love like a "Peace and love girl"  I am glad I made that transition. Letting go of anger, bitterness and the past makes room for so much more!  I am a happy girl!  I never want to go back to being that Riot girl!

Live, Laugh, Love!

Post 9 - 2014 Give and Take

Lately I have done a little of giving and less taking. I have taken the higher road in arguments, have tried to be as unselfish as I can, tried to look at things from someone elses perspective, and tried not to get irritated if something doesn't go my way. Thinking this way has opened me up to a whole new world. I am less angry and irritated.  I no longer look at things as "Mine and theirs", or "That's not my job"  I think about the greater good and less about what i will get in return. I am happy. I do not mind being the one that cleans the house, cooks, and takes care of the baby. I do not mind if I have to work longer hours, or volunteer an extra shift. I do  not mind if someone is short a few bucks and needs a spot. I am living to make the world a better place. When I do this and keep this attitude, life is amazing, If I let negative thoughts slip in, then life is not so amazing. I like amazing!  I love helping others even if I do not get a thank you in return. I want to show my son what it means to be happy, and that only YOU can make you happy regardless of your circumstances.   My life could be a lot worse. I have it really good. Even the poorest in America have it better than 3rd world countries. We have access to food and medical treatments even if we do not have a home. We do not have to have MANY children in hopes one will make it and bring us out of poverty. Life is good, life is give and take. Try giving more and taking less. Try being happy with what you have. Let go of expectations and just be happy!

Post 8-2014 one year

We made it a year!  One year of marriage with lots of changes, ups and downs and love lots of love.   No one died or moved out. We still like each other. We've definitely gotten stronger.  One year is in the books!

We celebrated with our babe and ate sushi.   B. Got me a half day at a spa and I got him chocolate and wwe DVDs. We both were happy!

Great day had by all.  Here's to the next year (got to take it one year at a time) 

Post 7, 2014 last day of maternity leave

Today's my last day before I return to work.  I must say I'm not really looking forward to it.  I know some women would gasp in horror and think I'm old fashioned.  I know my husband does. He doesn't get why this is so hard for me and has been slightly jealous that he has been working while I'm off caring for our son.  It's not like it's all been sunshine and roses. Some days are down right hard. But I would take the hard days every day to be with him.  It would be easier to let him go off with strangers if he could talk to me or run away when something bad happens. He's been with me inside or out of me for the past year.  Even before I knew he was with me he was.  Most of today I have been in tears and haven't let this child down.  Even as I type he is crying in my arms not wanting to nap.  I'm okay with that. I feel like I'm abandoning him. Which my husband says is crazy.  But I do.  I know I need to work to provide a better life for him than we could offer with one salary. I know this. It still doesn't change the fact it makes me sad.  Makes me sad I will miss some of his "firsts" makes me sad we won't have our morning cuddles until he falls back asleep for his first nap of the day. Makes me sad I will only see him awake for 2 hours out of 24, 5 days a week. I'm sad. I can not shake it off, calm down or suck it up, as my husband thinks I should do.  I'm sad. I have working mom guilt and I'm sad.  At least I can admit it. At least I know I'm sad at the thought of returning to work. Even though I love my co workers and my job. Even though I only have to go into the office 2 days a week. It still makes me sad he will be in a strangers care for 5 days a week.  At least 3 days a week I will take my lunch and go see him. I think that would make me less sad.  I do hope going full time will help him adjust quicker . And let's me honest help me adjust quicker as well.  I will miss being a stay at home mom and am thankful we were able to have me as one for 3 months when many women do not get that opportunity. I  thankful for his giggles and smiles and hugs and even his cries.  I'm thankful he's so sweet and loving and isn't afraid of strangers. I am thankful the daycare is close and that others I know love it. I am thankful for a good job. I am thankful for an amazing son who I am sad to leave. Very very sad to leave.  

I hope he knows how much I love him and am doing this for him, even though sometimes I wish the woman's place was still in the home <sigh>

~sincerely,

a working mom with severe working moms guilt 

Post 6-2014 Valentines day

I've never been one to celebrate valentines day. I think it's a made up holiday that people spend way too much money on.  Last year my husband ignored my wishes not to celebrate and surprised me with flowers. Which was very sweet and appreciated. This year since he had set up that expectation, the babe and I got him a card, pic card telling him we loved him and a bar of his favorite chocolate. He told me he got me nothing, zilch, nada!  Now I feel under appreciated and not so loved. Exactly why I never celebrated in the first place.  At least I have the best valentine to who up smiling at me and gave me a huge hug

Then my husband comes home with an entire bag of goodies and two cards, one for me which was quirky and funny and one for JB which made me cry! He wrote "daddy" for the first time. I may have to save that card for him to read when he gets older. 

So husband made up for him being a brat. And I think he even feels slightly bad at how sad I am for having to go back to work instead of staying home with my little man.  I would make a good house wife/ stay at home mom.  I totally rocked the position the past few months!

Post 5 -2014 Put down the phones at dinner

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone at the dinner table pulls out their phones instead of holding a conversation. It's rude and disrespectful. It's telling that person your phone and whatever you are doing on it is less important than the person you are dining with.  This drives me bananas especially when it's just two people and in a restaurant. Especially since I'm the type that doesn't like to be idle.  It hurts my feelings as well.  Unless you are a doctor, are waiting on others to arrive, or need it out in case of emergencies,  your phone should be put away or on silent. 

Conversation seems to be lost.  Next time you are with someone eating, put your phone away and enjoy them!

Post 4-2014 trust

Last night I had a dream/nightmare that made me wake up and cuddle with my husband.  I was dreaming I was single again.  I left hanging out shopping with my mom to hanging out in a finished attic with my B girls.  E and I were going to have a slumber party when all of a sudden I look down and see a ring on my finger and hear a voice I really never wanted to hear again.  In my dream I pretend to be asleep so I do not have to acknowledge the most jealous person I have ever dated who in my dream I was engaged too (never in real life). I decided to face him and went to kiss him as a dutiful fiancée would do.  He had a moustache which looked ridiculous and started yelling at me telling me I had cheated on him.  Which I had not done but was a common acquasation when we dated.  In my dream the B girls were his daughters which is not true in real life.  As he and I argued in front of the girls he kept slamming me over and over again totally off based and stating things you should not in front of children (another theme in our relationship) I somehow stayed calm which I never manged in real life. I told him  I cannot marry someone who doesn't trust me.  He tells me he could smell another guy on the door to my room. And all I could think of was my husband who in my dream was only someone I had dated but couldn't get off my mind  I give back the ring  and ask him to Please leave so I can hang out with the girls as planned. He left and poor S was in tears crying that he had told her I would be her new mommy.  I woke up in a panic and all I could think was my husband, how lucky I am to have someone who isn't jealous and trusts me as I trust him.  Jealousy is a bad bad ugly trait.  With this particular ex that was a main reason we broke up. He was so jealous. Jealous to the point that rational thought would leave his head.  He would accuse me of flirting with his brother in front of him, would stalk me when I hung out with my friends. I felt more like a daughter on probation than a girlfriend. He even kicked down my door once because I didn't answer it quick enough. I'm lucky he never hit me but the thought did cross my mind more than once that I was not safe.  Even my friends were worried.  

My next relationship towards the end I was the one that didn't trust him but because I caught him in one lie after another. Silly lies that a teen tells their parent.  That's when I knew that relationship was not one I needed to be in.  

Trust is so vital to make a relationship work. Without it there's doubt and room for jealousy.  I'm so thankful that I have an amazing man as my husband who loves me for me and who trusts me to live my life and be true to him and vice versa.  This is especially important since he works late nights, had female friends and I have tons of meetings and male friends.   We love each other and communicate with each other.  No lies just truth and trust.   I'm a better person and wife because of him.  I hope he can say he's a better man and husband because of me!  

What i do know is that I woke up and could not get close enough to him.  I held him the he held me. I wish I could have stayed curled up with him all day long.   I'll just have to remember my goodbye kiss until he gets back home to us!   

Trust is important. Never settle for less!

Post 3- 2014 breast feeding

I'm lucky to be able to breastfeed my baby. It's one of the best experiences of my life. The closeness I feel with my child is unlike anything I have ever experienced.  His sweet eyes looking up at me, a smile on his face as he takes my nipple into his mouth.  He begins to suck and my breast tingles as the milk lets down, runs through my nipple into his mouth. His mouth fills with milk, I watch him swallow.  I get lightheaded and feel a little high.  No matter how cranky he's been that day or the past hour, it's all better the moment he starts sucking.  It's as euphoric as an orgasm. My love for him grows deeper and deeper with every suck.  

I'm really going to miss these days. The days where my body produces "liquid gold" that nurtures his body with vitamins, nutrition, anitbodies and more.  So much goodness created by me for him.  The female body amazes me!  Breast feeding creates this amazing bond between mother and child.  I will cherish every feeding I have with him!  Even when he's mad at the boobie and yells at it (true story). The time I have with him while he's this little is short but I am cherishing every second with him!

Post 1-2014

I've been a huge slacker but for good reason. I have been spending time with this little boy who has totally stolen my heart. Who knew I could love something this much. I've loved and cared for him for almost a year. Yet only met him 2 months ago.  He brings me so much joy. His smiles, cries, eyes lighting up and snuggles oh sweet baby snuggles.  He's happy when he's naked. Oh so happy!  He loves to snuggle and loves to breast feed.  He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.  I honestly cannot remember my life before him. Nor do I want too.  He's quite the catch and he's my son!  I'm a lucky girl!  I should also probably go sleep since i finally was able to break myself from cuddling with him to let him sleep In his crib.  That was hard very very hard!