Post 7, 2014 last day of maternity leave

Today's my last day before I return to work.  I must say I'm not really looking forward to it.  I know some women would gasp in horror and think I'm old fashioned.  I know my husband does. He doesn't get why this is so hard for me and has been slightly jealous that he has been working while I'm off caring for our son.  It's not like it's all been sunshine and roses. Some days are down right hard. But I would take the hard days every day to be with him.  It would be easier to let him go off with strangers if he could talk to me or run away when something bad happens. He's been with me inside or out of me for the past year.  Even before I knew he was with me he was.  Most of today I have been in tears and haven't let this child down.  Even as I type he is crying in my arms not wanting to nap.  I'm okay with that. I feel like I'm abandoning him. Which my husband says is crazy.  But I do.  I know I need to work to provide a better life for him than we could offer with one salary. I know this. It still doesn't change the fact it makes me sad.  Makes me sad I will miss some of his "firsts" makes me sad we won't have our morning cuddles until he falls back asleep for his first nap of the day. Makes me sad I will only see him awake for 2 hours out of 24, 5 days a week. I'm sad. I can not shake it off, calm down or suck it up, as my husband thinks I should do.  I'm sad. I have working mom guilt and I'm sad.  At least I can admit it. At least I know I'm sad at the thought of returning to work. Even though I love my co workers and my job. Even though I only have to go into the office 2 days a week. It still makes me sad he will be in a strangers care for 5 days a week.  At least 3 days a week I will take my lunch and go see him. I think that would make me less sad.  I do hope going full time will help him adjust quicker . And let's me honest help me adjust quicker as well.  I will miss being a stay at home mom and am thankful we were able to have me as one for 3 months when many women do not get that opportunity. I  thankful for his giggles and smiles and hugs and even his cries.  I'm thankful he's so sweet and loving and isn't afraid of strangers. I am thankful the daycare is close and that others I know love it. I am thankful for a good job. I am thankful for an amazing son who I am sad to leave. Very very sad to leave.  

I hope he knows how much I love him and am doing this for him, even though sometimes I wish the woman's place was still in the home <sigh>

~sincerely,

a working mom with severe working moms guilt