Met with surgeon

Yesterday we met with my amazing surgeon!  We went over what was recommended and what I wanted to do. I shocked him when I said that I did not want reconstruction and wanted to make sure he could stitch me up where I would look Flat and Fabulous and not like I have dog ears for breasts or if I needed a plastic surgeon just to stitch me up. He assured me if i wanted to be flat that he could do it and make it look very nice. It is actually easier on him to do it that way, as he doesn't have to keep skin for the plastic surgeon to do their job. He can take the excess skin on both sides and stitch me up with a straight pretty line.  Comically, he let me know if I changed my mind even a few years later I could still do reconstruction with my muscle. I was like, yeah I am okay. I think by that point I will be used to having no boobies. I also told him that I was going to write Thelma and Louise on them and asked him if I had watched the movie. He said, I have seen a bit of it but I will watch it right before surgery so I can get the laugh!  As his  nurse, my sister and I all laughed about that. His nurse thought it was an amazing idea. She also complimented me on me keeping a positive attitude and not being vain. She said not many women choose to go flat and she thought it was fabulous. I let her know I was very okay with it, as i will not have to worry about bras again!  She said, that was worth it!  

We will be doing a Left Modified radical mastectomy (left total mastectomy with axillary dissection) (they take the skin, nipple, areola all the breast tissue and the under arm lymph nodes) and Right prophylactic total mastectomy (same as the left except i keep my underarm lymph nodes) on January 5th.   Now had you asked me at the beginning of this journey, I would have told you we would be trying to do a breast conserving mastectomy and trying to keep the nipple. But since my left breast lit up like a christmas tree in the MRI, we couldn't go that route for the left, which is why I decided not to go that way for the right. And since we are not reconstruction I did not want them to be uneven. I prefer to be flat and do a cool tattoo over the areas.  I won't lie, I will miss the girls. They have been through a lot with me. They fed my babies, which to me is the most amazing thing they did. They provided food and comfort to my babies and still provide comfort to my toddler, who lets me know regularly, "no milk mama" yes sweet boy no milk :(  Yesterday I was a hot mess. I cried a lot. It is a piece of me going bye bye. A piece that has meant a lot to me. 

I definitely have leaky eyes lately!  Everything brings me to tears. It is a lot to take in. I try to be strong but most days I am a hot hot mess!  I keep it together in front of the boys!  They are my lifesavers!.   I am so   thankful for a clean house (an angel has been sent to me for this task), the presents, the cards, the food, the stopping by (even some people wayyy out of their way) to come see me and give me hugs, the calls, the texts, the emails, my sweet babies! All have really, really made me a happy girl! I stay wrapped in a big hug, which helps me on the days that I am not strong, and I do not want to get out of bed. Thank you all soooooo much! I never can explain just how much it all means to me! But it really does mean so much!  

You all are amazing!  Thanks for keeping me wrapped in a big hug!

Have an amazing day!
Much love!

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

I post more here but if you want to be apart of the facebook group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/569719376534749/ 

Things I wish people knew

Goodness there are lots of things I wish I could vocalize some days. But the words just have a hard time leaving my mouth. I know shocking for me!  Through this whole cancer thing, writing seems easier than speaking. It's still raw and painful to speak about. But writing gets it all out! I can keep you up to date, I keep a journal of this journey and it's cheaper than a therapist!  Hearing you have cancer is like a swift kick to the stomach.  It knocks the breath out of you.  I'm glad I have this outlet and I am glad I have you!

Here's a quick top 10 guide of what I wish people knew. I have plenty others but I think 10 is a nice start!

1. Don't play 100 questions: I know people want to know what is happening with me because they care or maybe because they are just curious. It is like a train wreck, you want to turn away but you just can't. But it's hard to talk about most days and even harder to try to field questions, when I don't always know the answer. Then I feel stupid or like I should know the answer, when in reality I don't know because the doctors don't know or haven't shared with me. It's exhausting and stressful!!

Especially since I have created spaces for  people to keep informed with what I know at this point. If it's not posted, more than likely I don't know.  I'll answer any I can but please know I may not know and that's okay too! And if you realize I don't know, stop asking please!  It really stresses me out 😥

2. Asking what you can do to help:  this is so innocent and so sweet and god knows I've asked the same exact question, not realizing that the person you are asking has no idea how to answer. It's true we don't. We are exhausted from making decisions, doing day to day things, dealing with the fact we have cancer, from chemo side effects, and more, that the thought of making one more decision is daunting! Like really daunting. Just do something. Whether it's a stop by just to give me a hug or sending me a meal. Don't make me think,  just do it. It's really hard for me to accept help even harder for me to ask. I love being the one that gives and volunteers so for me to give an answer is really hard!   But I am so appreciative of the things that just appear! The scarves, wigs, meals, people mowing my yard, people dropping by to play with kids, picking up while they visit, call telling me you'll pick me up for my fluids.   All of those things mean the world to me but are so hard to ask for.  I've learned to not protest and just say thank you (which has been hard for this independent girl),  I have not learned to ask yet! (I'll get there I think) until then just do! I promise I appreciate it! Just do something, anything and I'll be thankful for it! 

3. Staying in contact (don't avoid me) a quick text, call (even if I don't always call back), message, card, anything to know you are thinking of me.  Even if you don't know what to say a quick " hi thinking of you" works perfectly!! It's  so chaotic at the moment and as you get further from your original diagnosis people seem to drop off the face of the earth or avoid you from not knowing what to say. Which sucks because chemo is cumulative, so I feel horrid, and my support has waned :( the cards and texts that were once abundant, are not so abundant anymore.  I need them to get through this! I need you!  I need to know I'm not alone! I love feeling like I am wrapped in a big hug! Definitely helps me when I feel crappy! But please don't bring strangers to my house, the hostess in me will want to clean up before they come and entertain when they are here.  If they are coming to pray for me please have them do that from afar. This is all still very raw and painful. I don't like having to talk about it if I don't want too! Though I do appreciate it! But would love just to see you!

4. Listen: when I do decide to talk, listen. Don't give advice, don't tell me it's all going to be okay, don't tell me to be strong, don't bring up God, just listen. It's really hard for me to talk, and if I'm talking, it means I just need someone to listen and give me a great big hug! Did I mention I love hugs?

5. Share memories: whether it is telling me fond memories we share or making new ones! Share memories with me! I love hearing reasons you love me, times I made you laugh, favorite meals/times we've shared. I love spending time with you, so let's make new memories and laugh with me!  Laughing is good for my soul!  I need that! 

6. Talk to me: tell me about your problems and life! Distract me please!  I want to hear about your kids/love life/break up/etc! I want you to treat me like your normally would! I have cancer, but it doesn't define me!  I'm still me! I'm still the person you came to for advice or a laugh! Talk to me please! I promise if I have the energy I'll listen and be engaging! If I don't I'll be honest!

7. Don't take my kids: I know it seems like it would help, but unless I ask, please just come play with them.  I only get to see them a few hours a day during the week and two days on the weekend. My time with them is very precious and one day they won't want to spend time with me so please don't take them!  But having extra hands, if you can handle the mess or me excusing myself to use the bathroom or cooking dinner when you are there, please come! The kids love it and it helps me too! 

8. Avoid clichés: things like " you are strong, you are brave, you won't be handed more than you can handle. I know it's a filler and said to give you hope, but it's a lot to always feel strong or brave. It makes me feel inferior some days when I am not feeling that strong or I don't believe exactly what you do. Also, I don't ever feel  brave, I just push through because I have too. Because the thought of leaving my boys alone isn't an option. To tell the truth, I'm scared to death! And I cry a lot! Cancer is scary! Chemo is scary!  It's okay to tell me to be strong/ brave, just don't assume I am! Also  make me laugh, and I'll love you forever!

9. War stories and medical advice: Don't tell me war stories or how aunt hazel survived alternatively. Everyone's cancer is different and even breast cancer has sub categories that have sub categories. And while I would love marijuana or eating a raw diet to cure my cancer, the type I have is hard to cure that way. Trust me I have done the research. And when you are told you are stage 3 aggressive breast cancer and you have a newborn as well as a 2 year old at home, alternatively, just went out the window.  No one has time to watch everything that goes in their bodies, when they have small kids.  My best bet at beating this thing, is by conventional methods. Trust me, if there was another way, in the time I needed to do this, I would chose that option. But I have two boys to raise And they need their mama! I don't need to hear worst case scenarios either, I've researched and I've learned chemo/surgery/radation is different for everyone.  I'll get through it even if it's rough!  But I would like to go into it with best possible scenario in my head!  I like the positives! I'm a positive half full kinda a girl!  I don't like negative thoughts!  Think positivity! 

10. Opinions:  everyone's got an opinion. Just keep them positive please!  And if I disagree with you or I say something you wouldn't do. Don't send me tons of info in favor of what you would do. This especially comes into play around my masectomy and whether it should be single or double and if I should do reconstruction. I mean they are my boobs right? I have had them for quite some time. I am fond of them but at the same time, one did give me cancer. But whether I keep them or not, whether I do reconstruction or not, is my choice. Not anyone else's and no ones opinion matters as much as mine and really the only other person I really should consult with is my husband and even his opinion isn't as important as mine. And for the record, he's smart, he says "whatever you wish"   So if you are curious, I am happy to share but please do not take that as an invitation to force your opinion down my throat. It's really hard for me, without others opinions. They are a part of me. And it's not easy. And the decision I have made I didn't make lightly. So when I share that with you please, please understand that you will not change my mind, just because it's not something you, would do yourself, respect my decision and how difficult this is for me! It's another stressor for me! I need your support more than anything! I definitely wouldn't wish this disease or the decisions you have to face with it on anyone! 

I am so thankful for each of you!  This journey has only been possible because you are in it!  The positive thoughts, prayers, good vibes, are why I'm able to keep smiling and am getting better!  We are 1/4 of the way through this journey! I really do appreciate everyone and everything that has been done for us!!.  The love I feel from all of you is so humbling and amazing!  It's been nice to see the pay it forward cycle come into a circle on some things, and has started the circle for others!  That makes me happy!  And well I love to be happy! A happy girl is the prettiest girl!  Even one with cancer!

Much love!

~Jamie

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Immunity being low.. sucks...

There is no way around it, your immunity being low, sucks!  Big time!  Something that should be a normal sniffle turns into this week long nightmare that doesn't seem to want to go away. I have been in bed for 3 days and nights and still cannot shake it. I am upright today, only because I need to work. I need to save time for surgery and not for sickness. This blows!  I am not going to sugar coat it.  Going through chemo with a toddler at home means, infection can hit at any time. They do not wash their hands like they should, they do not realize they can't lick random things or eat of the floor. (true story)  They are little monkey's, literally, i walk into the kitchen this morning and I swear I was just a few feet behind him and he was already sitting on top of the counter. Like climbed up all on his own.

I keep checking my temp to make sure it hasn't reached 100.7 as apparently that is when i need to call now. I feel like I am getting better but my body just wants sleep. It just needs sleep, which at the moment I am not giving it. My head feels like it is 10 times bigger than it is. This summer cold has thrown my poor body for a loop. It is as bad as the flu!

I miss my baby, he has been with my sister for 3 nights and days.. I miss him a lot. those smiles, those giggles. But i needed sleep, still do. The tot and I are a mess.  Tot is still gunky and now running a fever. No bueno.  I am trying to push through, but I have to be honest, I do not feel like a warrior princess today. I feel like death. Death in the form of a body that is barely getting by.  Husband is working on a special project which is great for him but bad for us. as no help around the house. Which means no rest for Mama!

I wouldn't recommend having kids if you plan on ever getting sick or getting cancer, definitely not fun!

Thanks for all your love and support!  The calls, food, texts, all mean a bunch!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis
#sicknessbegone

9/11, sick kids and chemo side effects

 Where were you when the world stopped turning for my generation on 9/11/01? Me I was driving home from a friends house that morning when the news came over the radio. My heart dropped, tears flowed down my eyes. I rushed home to my roommate who was in front of the tv drinking coffee waiting on me to get home. We kept calling our friends who worked in the towers trying to find out if they were okay. Cell towers down. No calls going through. It was crazy and so surreal.  Throughout the day we finally got confirmation our friends and loved ones were okay. That couldn't be said about everyone that day. Lives were changed forever. I hope my kids never have to experience an event like that. But as history shows they probably will. My parents went through the Kennedy assassination, mine 9/11.  

My life changed forever when I got the call "Jamie I'm sorry to say you have cancer", my kids lives, my husbands life, my family and friends, all their lives changed that day too. Currently my kids have to go through watching their mama be sick from chemo eventually they will watch me recover from surgery and possibly go through radiation (though trying to avoid that). 

Today's side effects are a not happy tummy still, nauseousness and being exhausted which is partly due to having two kids running fevers to either side of me.  Happy to report none of us have fevers this morning. I'm sure my cancer nutritionalist would be not happy to know all the antioxidants that I consumed yesterday but I'd rather take my chances that the chemo is doing its job and I'm helping my body fight off this summer cold so I don't end up in the hospital. The tot is still super snotty but all clear!  The baby definitely doesn't feel good and just wants to be held, which I am very happy to oblige as he's super snuggly!  Hoping to get a little sleep today and this nausea under control as well as get more fluids in me, as I thought I was dying of thirst last night.  

I still feel I am lucky. I'm out of bed with little sleep, snuggling with the baby, when I could still be sleeping off these hangover feelings (granted that sounds amazing) but I think having the kids forces me through it so it forces my body to get it out quickly. And I want it gone quickly.  I can't wait for 4 more weeks when I can do a cleanse to get these toxins out of my body!!  For someone who eats healthy, barely drinks alcohol, exercises daily, pumping chemo in my body is still surreal and just nuts! The washing and triple washing all your fruits And veggies to make sure you don't get sick. Nuts! I'm such a healthy person who rarely gets sick yet I got cancer. Still surreal and ever life changing. 

So how am I doing today?  I'm doing well, pushing through and remembering a sad day when my life changed forever and knowing those days of life changing forever as I know it will keep on coming. And I also know, I'll get through it with a smile!  I like my smile and I never want anything, even cancer or hatred of others to take that away from me! Today we smile! 

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #neverforget

#alwayssmile

Love 

~Jamie

you want to follow me on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/569719376534749/

Grays 1; sickness 3

Yes you read that correctly. Gray 1; sickness 3.  

This all comes the day of chemo when I am told my immunity is super low and the nurses had to double check if we could proceed with chemo. We go to bed like normal but the tot kept waking up into a full screaming in pain while sobbing. This went on so long daddy showed up and finally came to bed as the tot kept snuggling back and forth between us. He was warm but not too hot. He finally snuggled into daddy and slept 3 hours. Woke up still warm and I woke up with nauseousness, headache, slight sore throat. By the end of the day the tot is super snotty and running a 100 fever, the baby is slightly snotty, coughing, sneezing and running a slight fever and mama is snotty, exhausted and coughing slightly and has not taken her temp like a good girl.   

Plus the tot coughed directly into my nose, like full blow of air from his cootie ridden breath into my nose so hard my nose inflated.  I ran for thieves spray as I tried not to breath in my nose. I mean of all the chances at all times during these chemo treatment, does he make that ringer shot. I means seriously good shot for being asleep!  

I did make elderberry syrup and have taken it like I do if I think I have the flu. Put extra ginger. Tot has been drinking it too!  Hoping we make it through this unscathed.  It's the first time for little bit to be sick and the first time ever that I haven't nursed the tot when he was sick. I mean I tandem nursed with he was puking 3 days after giving birth. Not being able to nurse them makes me feel sick and sad and my eyes get very leaky!  I'm an emotional hot mess at the moment!! 

I know it all could be worse so I am thankful I have plans in motions. Sweet tot has barely talked today and has been even more snuggly than usual. Sweet boy!

So I lay here willing myself not to get sick, trying not to cry. All three of us with thieves oil on feet and some good oils in the diffuser. I'll take my temp in the morning I promise! 

I'm thankful I've been able to push through today with a huge energy surge. Hoping to push through this sickness too!  I can totally do this! 

Send good vibes this way that we pass this sickness quickly and that I am able to build up some immunity with allowing the chem to do its job. Thanks a million! 

Love

~Jamie 

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #teamnosick 

Chemo #5 day

Today I'm having the 5th chemo cocktail  of TCHP.   The doctor said my tumor is gone! Yay!  I have to schedule surgery but we will continue herceptin every 3 weeks up to and after surgery. She also said my immune system is down which she would expect to see. I just need to stay away from crowds (the boys need to as well so no one gets sick) if I get sick I could end up in the hospital :(. We don't want that.

Sweet note from sister with my breaskfast: 

Today I have been very teary! I have cried at the drop of a hat!  Lots of loving support,which means so much. Lots of unknowns, which are scary and just an overwhelming sense of no control over my life. It's hard.  All the while trying to make sure my kids have a good childhood and not effected too much by me being sick. I was told my immunity is really low at the moment so the chemo is doing   its job but it means I can get sick easily!  So need to keep away from those that are sick :(

My sweet friend Ashley came to visit today, bring me food and milk for CB .  Love the laughs and comiserating shared!   Really miss that girl! She means more to me than she knows!  Meant a lot she came from Jax to just hang out a few hours while in town visiting. 

Hoping for a good next week and no sickness! 

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #muchlove

Crazy week! Hurricane, no power and more!

Sorry I have been MIA, but we have had no power for 5 nights and 5 days. We lost power around 8:30/9ish on Thursday night and got it back last night (Tuesday) around 7:30 and got back cable/internet!  The last is the big thing, as I work from home and the thought of having chemo side effects at someone else's house made me cry last night. Totally minor inconveniences and first world problems, but huge relief to have all of those things back!

We were lucky, we had a generator, which kept the baby's milk frozen. Had we lost all of that, I would have cried for sure!  It helped keep me cool, when we ran the fans and wall ac unit, which was good. If I get too hot I get nauseous, and definitely had some moments this past week. I haven't been drinking enough water due to being out of normal routine, so I am dehydrated which is messing with my tummy, well that and all the carbs we have been eating, as we have been doing tons of grab and go so we did not have to cook in the heat.

This morning it was nice to walk out the door and not hear generators running. Our toddler, walked over to where the generator was and said "Mama, no generator.. generator gone. MAMA, generator GONE" yes sweet boy, we put it up.

Still tons of people without power and some without internet and cable as well. Again, first world problems but when you are used to something it is hard to go without. I have noticed the nastiness of people over the past 6 days. I think we as Americans, have gotten used to getting things NOW. So when people were out of power for 4 hours, some nastiness came out, now that we are on 6 days with people without, there are a lot of ANGRY people. But the linemen are working so fast and such long hours (18-20 hour days) trying to get everyone up and running. We were hit hard with tons of trees, power lines and power poles down. Large trees pulled up by their roots, lying on top of houses. My cousin had a tree on her house. A friend lost their house. We were not wading around with dead bodies around us (like when Katrina hit), we did not go 3.5 months without power (like south Fl did when Andrew hit). We really got away unscathed by Hermine!  We are lucky! So very lucky!  No power is a minor inconvenience, no reason to get nasty. Just be thankful. It could always be worse.   I did learn that if something major happens, that the thieves will be out stealing. As they were driving and walking around slowly looking at generators.  One group even started to walk up our driveway, when i stood up on the porch to ask how i could help them. He quickly jumped back in the car and drove off.. Sorry buddy, not getting ours!  This storm definitely showed true colors from a lot of people. I wish I had not seen some of these colors. We had food, we had access to food, shelters etc. We were not in tents dying from heat, getting eaten up by bugs. #couldalwaysbeworse #bethankful #benice

I am getting nervous for chemo #5 on friday but excited my sweet friend Ashley will be in town for the game and will come spend some time with me!  Hoping to get some sleep as well!  I am going to take it easy this weekend in hopes that it will help with any side effects. Only two more TCHP treatments. Then a little break before surgery, which scares the bejesus out of me, then 6 Herceptin only. Then surgery again at some point to get the port out.  This whole process brings tears to my eyes. It has been so humbling and terrifying. I no longer look like me, or feel like me, but I have some amazing people around me who just want me to be well. I have a toddler who comforts me when I cry. Who asks "Mama sad?"  Yes baby mama is sad. I hope he never remembers these days, at least the bad ones, but always remembers how much I love him and the love we have shared. The nose rubs, the random hugs and kisses he gives me. He is such a loving boy, I could not be more proud of him, even if he does drive his daddy crazy!

My parents have been a huge help! Sweet mama has picked up the baby so I could go elsewhere to work when I had no power. She been able to give JB one on one time which he needs some days. We have been able to have hot showers at their house and just have extra hands when i have been alone at night due to hubs working.  My in laws are always willing to help as well!  And my sister, goodness she even with no power kept JB yesterday, and pumped in the car to produce milk for CB. Which by far is the most amazing gift ever!  To have her as a wet nurse is an unbelievable gift!

So in conclusion, I am so thankful, humbled and happy!  A little nervous but happy that the tumor seems to be gone!  Keep me in your thoughts friday and next week please!  Need all i can get!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Some pics from the storm 

Off NC coast 

My area: