Things I wish people knew

Goodness there are lots of things I wish I could vocalize some days. But the words just have a hard time leaving my mouth. I know shocking for me!  Through this whole cancer thing, writing seems easier than speaking. It's still raw and painful to speak about. But writing gets it all out! I can keep you up to date, I keep a journal of this journey and it's cheaper than a therapist!  Hearing you have cancer is like a swift kick to the stomach.  It knocks the breath out of you.  I'm glad I have this outlet and I am glad I have you!

Here's a quick top 10 guide of what I wish people knew. I have plenty others but I think 10 is a nice start!

1. Don't play 100 questions: I know people want to know what is happening with me because they care or maybe because they are just curious. It is like a train wreck, you want to turn away but you just can't. But it's hard to talk about most days and even harder to try to field questions, when I don't always know the answer. Then I feel stupid or like I should know the answer, when in reality I don't know because the doctors don't know or haven't shared with me. It's exhausting and stressful!!

Especially since I have created spaces for  people to keep informed with what I know at this point. If it's not posted, more than likely I don't know.  I'll answer any I can but please know I may not know and that's okay too! And if you realize I don't know, stop asking please!  It really stresses me out 😥

2. Asking what you can do to help:  this is so innocent and so sweet and god knows I've asked the same exact question, not realizing that the person you are asking has no idea how to answer. It's true we don't. We are exhausted from making decisions, doing day to day things, dealing with the fact we have cancer, from chemo side effects, and more, that the thought of making one more decision is daunting! Like really daunting. Just do something. Whether it's a stop by just to give me a hug or sending me a meal. Don't make me think,  just do it. It's really hard for me to accept help even harder for me to ask. I love being the one that gives and volunteers so for me to give an answer is really hard!   But I am so appreciative of the things that just appear! The scarves, wigs, meals, people mowing my yard, people dropping by to play with kids, picking up while they visit, call telling me you'll pick me up for my fluids.   All of those things mean the world to me but are so hard to ask for.  I've learned to not protest and just say thank you (which has been hard for this independent girl),  I have not learned to ask yet! (I'll get there I think) until then just do! I promise I appreciate it! Just do something, anything and I'll be thankful for it! 

3. Staying in contact (don't avoid me) a quick text, call (even if I don't always call back), message, card, anything to know you are thinking of me.  Even if you don't know what to say a quick " hi thinking of you" works perfectly!! It's  so chaotic at the moment and as you get further from your original diagnosis people seem to drop off the face of the earth or avoid you from not knowing what to say. Which sucks because chemo is cumulative, so I feel horrid, and my support has waned :( the cards and texts that were once abundant, are not so abundant anymore.  I need them to get through this! I need you!  I need to know I'm not alone! I love feeling like I am wrapped in a big hug! Definitely helps me when I feel crappy! But please don't bring strangers to my house, the hostess in me will want to clean up before they come and entertain when they are here.  If they are coming to pray for me please have them do that from afar. This is all still very raw and painful. I don't like having to talk about it if I don't want too! Though I do appreciate it! But would love just to see you!

4. Listen: when I do decide to talk, listen. Don't give advice, don't tell me it's all going to be okay, don't tell me to be strong, don't bring up God, just listen. It's really hard for me to talk, and if I'm talking, it means I just need someone to listen and give me a great big hug! Did I mention I love hugs?

5. Share memories: whether it is telling me fond memories we share or making new ones! Share memories with me! I love hearing reasons you love me, times I made you laugh, favorite meals/times we've shared. I love spending time with you, so let's make new memories and laugh with me!  Laughing is good for my soul!  I need that! 

6. Talk to me: tell me about your problems and life! Distract me please!  I want to hear about your kids/love life/break up/etc! I want you to treat me like your normally would! I have cancer, but it doesn't define me!  I'm still me! I'm still the person you came to for advice or a laugh! Talk to me please! I promise if I have the energy I'll listen and be engaging! If I don't I'll be honest!

7. Don't take my kids: I know it seems like it would help, but unless I ask, please just come play with them.  I only get to see them a few hours a day during the week and two days on the weekend. My time with them is very precious and one day they won't want to spend time with me so please don't take them!  But having extra hands, if you can handle the mess or me excusing myself to use the bathroom or cooking dinner when you are there, please come! The kids love it and it helps me too! 

8. Avoid clichés: things like " you are strong, you are brave, you won't be handed more than you can handle. I know it's a filler and said to give you hope, but it's a lot to always feel strong or brave. It makes me feel inferior some days when I am not feeling that strong or I don't believe exactly what you do. Also, I don't ever feel  brave, I just push through because I have too. Because the thought of leaving my boys alone isn't an option. To tell the truth, I'm scared to death! And I cry a lot! Cancer is scary! Chemo is scary!  It's okay to tell me to be strong/ brave, just don't assume I am! Also  make me laugh, and I'll love you forever!

9. War stories and medical advice: Don't tell me war stories or how aunt hazel survived alternatively. Everyone's cancer is different and even breast cancer has sub categories that have sub categories. And while I would love marijuana or eating a raw diet to cure my cancer, the type I have is hard to cure that way. Trust me I have done the research. And when you are told you are stage 3 aggressive breast cancer and you have a newborn as well as a 2 year old at home, alternatively, just went out the window.  No one has time to watch everything that goes in their bodies, when they have small kids.  My best bet at beating this thing, is by conventional methods. Trust me, if there was another way, in the time I needed to do this, I would chose that option. But I have two boys to raise And they need their mama! I don't need to hear worst case scenarios either, I've researched and I've learned chemo/surgery/radation is different for everyone.  I'll get through it even if it's rough!  But I would like to go into it with best possible scenario in my head!  I like the positives! I'm a positive half full kinda a girl!  I don't like negative thoughts!  Think positivity! 

10. Opinions:  everyone's got an opinion. Just keep them positive please!  And if I disagree with you or I say something you wouldn't do. Don't send me tons of info in favor of what you would do. This especially comes into play around my masectomy and whether it should be single or double and if I should do reconstruction. I mean they are my boobs right? I have had them for quite some time. I am fond of them but at the same time, one did give me cancer. But whether I keep them or not, whether I do reconstruction or not, is my choice. Not anyone else's and no ones opinion matters as much as mine and really the only other person I really should consult with is my husband and even his opinion isn't as important as mine. And for the record, he's smart, he says "whatever you wish"   So if you are curious, I am happy to share but please do not take that as an invitation to force your opinion down my throat. It's really hard for me, without others opinions. They are a part of me. And it's not easy. And the decision I have made I didn't make lightly. So when I share that with you please, please understand that you will not change my mind, just because it's not something you, would do yourself, respect my decision and how difficult this is for me! It's another stressor for me! I need your support more than anything! I definitely wouldn't wish this disease or the decisions you have to face with it on anyone! 

I am so thankful for each of you!  This journey has only been possible because you are in it!  The positive thoughts, prayers, good vibes, are why I'm able to keep smiling and am getting better!  We are 1/4 of the way through this journey! I really do appreciate everyone and everything that has been done for us!!.  The love I feel from all of you is so humbling and amazing!  It's been nice to see the pay it forward cycle come into a circle on some things, and has started the circle for others!  That makes me happy!  And well I love to be happy! A happy girl is the prettiest girl!  Even one with cancer!

Much love!

~Jamie

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis