Day 77 - 2012 Crazy town

This week has been a week that feels like I have been in Crazy Town ALL week, with a bunch of people who have either lost their minds, are stressed beyond seeing other sides of things, over worked, under appreciated, demanding, unrealistic and I could go on but you get the picture right?

Wow this week has been draining and has flown by.   I started this post 1  2    3 days ago.  3... wow  and just now getting back to it, yet not for long.  More crazy things are popping up.   Even today, it seems things just cannot slow down for me to finish. At least things are never boring right?

Day 76- 2012 Contemplation

So this weekend I was able to get a lot of me time.  Which meant a lot of thinking.  Thinking about different things.  It is funny how with friends, well at least with me and my friends, I do not have a "set" of criteria.  Really I do not care what you look like, what you do for a job, as long as you are a nice person who has a good aura or is just a good person on the wrong path.  As long as there is good, I am willing to give a friendship a go. Now with a significant other.  I have some set criteria, though even those are subject to change. My wants change with my mood. I do know that I need someone who is multi-versatile... More on this a later day. Sorry to keep you hanging

Day 75-2012 Beautiful Day

Wow today is gorgeous! The sun is shining it is in the 70's. Nice breeze. It was a fabulous day for a run and bike ride. Good people watching too! I love seeing coupled flirting with each other. One or both acting coy. So refreshing and innocent. Great day. Hope you enjoyed it too!

Day 74-2012 Holly the homemaker on a rainy day

Today I woke up late but made up for that quickly. I worked out showered made breakfast than decided to make a almond marble pound cake. Well it started our oatmeal cookies and then I decided that could wait so then I decided on a lemon pound cake to deciding chocolate would be good soooooo I changed lemon to almond. And make my pound cake the. Added a cocoa cream cheese mixture and made this quite yummy marble pound cake


Then I started making a veggie dish with Indian spices for dinner and decided bread would be yummy. So I made homemade French bread. Two loaves. Not to shabby for my first attempt as long as you put butter or some kind of jam/syrup. All in All not bad and I made it. All me from scratch. I think this recipe would have made a yummy pizza crust. May have to try to make that tomorrow hmmmmm

Tootles

Day 73 - 2012 Thankful and Frisky

Today I am very thankful.  Thankful for a roof over my head, a car to drive, fabulous friends and amazing  family.  I am also very frisky (and thankful)  thanks to my wonderful book club books read this month. Fifty Shades of Grey.  Wow this book is intense. I feel naughty and dirty, yet at the same time, intrigued with where this story is going.  I feel as though I am like the main character in a way.  The book delves into a realm of sex I have never entered, well not really,  but that has always caught my curiosity.   I can see the main characters internal dialogue, as one I would have with myself.  In some ways, I think this guy is one of the men in my dreams.  He is strong, he is sexy, he has a sense of authority about him and demands attention.  I tend me to drawn to men like this. Though as I am reading, I actual contemplate, whether I could do some of the things he is proposing.  I want to keep reading because I want to find out more. I want to know what all he is into and in a way how far am I willing to admit I would like to go. It fascinates me, I want to know more, I want to keep reading.  This book sucks you in, you feel one with the main character.  Your breath races as her does. You get wet as she does. It is really an intense book.  I am super excited to finish it and to know that there are 2 more following it. It is like a Harlequin novel, but different, more real, more intense.  More me.  More of what I would see me doing if I was her.  I can feel the excitement and eagerness, with the hesitations and concerns, she feels.  Very good read so far! Cannot wait to discuss with friends!.   Love this quote because I feel like this book is helping me reawaken some things I had forgotten about and opening me up to a whole new world.  Exciting and scary all at once.  Have a fabulous day!!

" We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn." Henry David Thoreau

Day 72 - 2012 Happy Day

Today has started off a happy day.  No clue why either.  I do not like my clothes I am wearing, was not happy with the weight I weighed in at (but trying to remember I am building a lot of muscle lately)  I may just need to step up my cardio to an hour a day instead of 30 mins, had to stop for gas, yet I am still smiling.  This is a happy day even if I have to eat oats for breakfast :( boo yuck... But it is good for  me :)  A day where a meeting, ALMOST got me in a bad mood.  I can handle some bitching, and negative comments, but after awhile it gets to me.  Today though, I did not.  Today I am smiling and keeping it up.

Today's quote (since I have been slacking a bit)


"There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self." ...Aldous Huxley

and (oh yeah you get two)

"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within." ... Ramona L. Anderson

They both fall under today's topic kind of.  Be yourself, make yourself happy (it is a hard long road) but keep doing it and "fake it until you make it baby"  That is my fave quote.  It is all about faking until you make it. So keep that smile on, do your best to grit your teeth through the idiocracy that is out there, find what makes you happy, and all else really will fall into place. Have a happy day!

Day 71 - 2012 I See Stupid People

I see Stupid silly people everywhere.  They cannot drive properly, they ask questions that make you go, HUH?.  They keep doing the same action over and over that causes them grief but hope things will change. I know I am not perfect.  I am one of those stupid silly people at times.  It just seems that lately there are a lot of repeat offenders. It is like they cannot learn from their mistakes or are so used to people just covering them that they cannot do anything for themselves or change their very annoying behavior.  I am an idiot some days and am the first to admit it.  But some of these people, I really really would love to fail trying to teach them to breathe under water. Those are the people that will surely go first in a Zombie apocalypse (like how I threw that in there?).  They must right? Or they will be the person that gets the rest of us killed due to their stupid silly action.  So I equate any given day to dodging zombies aka stupid silly people.  I dodge their attitudes so they do not effect me, I dodge their same exact questions over and over again, I do my best to keep a smile on my face and sometimes do let out the words, "Bless your heart." and that makes me smile.

The day ended with me curled up with my favorite little kitty reading a book, no stupid silly people in sight.  It was a nice end to a very frustrating day.

Day 70 - 2012 Memories

It is crazy how one song, some smell, a sound, tasting something, can bring back a flood of memories that you thought were lost forever. Sometimes they are amazing memories that you want to keep forever, and others not so much.  Sometimes I wish I did not remember the good times with some people. Sometimes I wish I only remembered the hurt.  But the hurt fades. The good takes over.  Maybe the good takes over so you can move on without letting hurt hold you back.  Hurt makes you bitter.  No one wants to be bitter.. well most people do not want to be bitter.  Forgetting hurt, helps you learn from your mistakes. Learning from mistakes makes you a better person. When you can face the person that  hurt you without feeling like you are going to crumble with a smile on your face. I call that a win.

I relish in the memories, I remember.  I love the rush I feel when a distant memory reappears. The way I get taken instantly back to that moment. My emotions well up inside me. If I close my eyes, I am in the moment. Sometimes I just want to stay there in that  moment. I want to relive it.  I want to see if my choices would be different with what I know now.  Sometimes I picture my life, with a different choice. Would life have been perfect? No, but manageable?  Maybe...  I have made some very poor choices, acted selfishly, immaturely, did not communicate well enough, dated  people I shouldn't, held on to loves too long, tried to be someone I am not, let go of people I shouldn't have, and had a ton of fun.   Some memories like riding in the woods with M on horseback all day, then again in the truck at night, making out in the cabin by the river, sitting by a camp fire, drinking too much, kissing too much, laughing a lot, all bring me back to such a simpler time of my life.  I thought I knew it all, I did not. I was silly and stupid and young. I was in love with two men.  M and L.  M who loved me fiercely for me.  He loved my wild side and my not so wild side.  We had so many adventures.  Then L who I loved from 8th grade on, who loved me, but wanted to follow his parents plan. Who wanted a simple girl, who did simple things, and loved him fiercely and only him.  Both men, got married and both men tried to contact me after their marriage.  I am the one that got away.  But am I really?  Or was it those memories that we have had.  Like running from game wardens while riding through the woods.  Buying beer before we were 21, staying out past curfew.  We had fun.  I was always up for an adventure.  Their wives were not.  They were home by 11 and good girls.  I was not so good.  I have never been good at decisions.  I am much easier when they are made for me.  Both M and L made that decision for me.  L got married young, after admitting, he wishes he could wait for me to get my wild side out.  Both men I would have had a mediocre life with.  Lots of laughs, fights, and a lot me not being me. So as amazing as those memories are, I am glad they did not hold me back.  I am glad I can move forward knowing I had amazing high school loves and that the love was reciprocated. I am glad they found women who fit what they needed. I wish I could mesh all the best characteristics of all my fave guys into one. Ahhhh the perfect man. LOL I am sure he so would not be perfect.. but then again neither am I.

I  miss those days in the woods.  Just riding around, laughing, listening to music. I can remember my best friend K in high school and I chasing the boys all night through the woods.  Laughing about nothing and everything.  Taking random paths, swimming in the river, mud bogging.  So many fun times.  I wish I could bottle them all up.

I know I cannot change the past, but those memories sure do make me realize I have had an amazing life. It may not be the life I had planned, but it is still an amazing life.  I cannot wait to make more memories in the future.  Lots and lots of memories.  Lots of laughing, lots of crying and lots of love.

Memories make us who we are.  Go out there and make some amazing memories this year, this week or every day!

Day 69 - 2012 Hehehehe

Yes again I know I am five, but when I hear "69" I giggle like I am 16 again.  Get over it and stop taking life so serious.  Dirty jokes are funny.  They are immature and bring you back to your youthful self and everyone needs to be reminded of who they were, to ensure they are where they want to be or on track for who they want to be.  I love my BFF at work, because all day we laugh at the silliest things or make a rather innocent comment turn into something not so innocent and make everyone laugh.  I love to laugh. I cannot help it.

I am also laughing at SB who thought I would love a random pic of him.. (I did not want it, especially when it was apparent it was taken hours earlier and not for me)  Poor guy thinks I need to get laid to adjust my attitude. LOL if only he picked up the phone he would realize my attitude is fabulous!  He is just a needy bastard who hates it when he is not the center of other peoples world.  I texted him back and said : I need some kind of reference material so I now what offends you and what doesn't.  That would be helpful."  I am sure that will offend him too.   He is mad.  oops  and since I never his publish on this yesterday (it is now Tuesday) it is now his birthday, which might be why he is so testy and just taking it out on me.  Oh well, i am not your girlfriend. I do not have to deal with testy SB.

Silly boys!... now off to the next post :)

Day 68- 2012 zombies again

I feel like a zombie. I woke up ran did rock climbing, pull ups a plank circuit. Went to Lowe's loaded up on pavers and rocks. Unloaded those. Cooked did laundry cooked some more. Then got sucked into a marathon of the walking dead. I need to go to sleep but wow I am sucked in. Tomorrows going to be a long day if I do not get some sleep. I am even flipping back and forth between the game. Maybe if the apocalypse comes all at least I'll be prepared!

Today was a good balanced day!

Day 67 -2012. St Patty's day on a Saturday

Today is great. I get to go to a street party with friends and with one of my crushes. Got to see great things happening for charities And I am home early. Love it!

Day 66 - 2012 - Everyone has strife

 

I love that quote.  I spent wayyyyy too many years worrying about what others thought and trying to keep up with my friends expensive tastes. Thinking "I want their life", when truly, they were just good at hiding the bad things, or the fact they are into debt up to their eyeballs.  I am glad I woke up and realized, everyone has their own set of problems.  Some of us are better at hiding those problems then others. Everyone has issues, some deal with them better, some hide them better and some do not deal with them at all.  No one is without strife.  But every one has a choice in how they handle that strife.  Accept who you are, and everything else falls into place.  Life still will not be perfect, but you will be able to handle anything it throws at you, with grace and dignity!

Day 65 - 2012 Smile away the stress

So I get a sweet email from my mom today that was a forward but still see it said:

Reminds Me of You              She can deal with stress and carry heavy burdens. She smiles when she feels like screaming, and she sings when she feels like crying. She cries when she's happy and laughs when she's afraid. Her love is unconditional. There's only one thing wrong with her. She forgets what she's worth!     Pass this to every beautiful woman you know. Remind her that she's unique. I love you girl

Last night I had so much fun with my friends J and J. They are the sweetest couple.  Their love is apparent as soon as you see them together.  She is so sweet and innocent, yet has a fiery side.  He stays calm and just goes with the flow and protects her.  It is sweet to see and they both are really good for each other.  We talked last night about smiling through the stress.  Can't control it, let it go.  When you let it go, you smile more.  I like smiling. My friends like smiling. I love how I have surrounded myself with really good people, and that the not so good ones weed themselves out.  I love love love how that happens!

And I love that I cooked for friends on Monday, for other friends to cook for me last night.  Love karma and the circle of life! Makes me smile and well I like smiling!

Have a smiley day y'all!

Day 64 - 2012 - Niceness goes a long ways!

I am a fairly busy girl.  On any given night I come home and if I did not work out  that morning I work out, then run off to a meeting.  If I did work out, I clean up and then run to a meeting of some sort.  Could be a volunteer organization or just out with friends or friends come to my house to hang out.  Either way I am doing something. It is a rare night that I sit on  my butt and do not a thing.  There is always something that needs to be cleaned, or put away.  Someone needs to go outside or needs to be fed. Right now I have a laundry basket of clean clothes that need to be put away and it is driving me insane that they are not. Now reverse 15 - 20 years, I was the girl that never cleaned a thing.  My bed sheets would stay on for months.  My room had clothes everywhere, no organization, I had to smell things to know if they were clean or not.  Wrinkles were an every day thing (I still hate to iron).  But even then I was a busy girl.  That was my excuse for not cleaning.  I had school, volleyball, homework and somewhere in there sleep.  I have always required at least 8 hours or more of sleep to be a pleasant human being and even then some days pleasant just is not in my vocabulary. 

So fast forward again, now that I have digressed a lot.  I am a busy girl.  So I do not like my time wasted, nor do I like to deal with unpleasant people.  But when you volunteer you have to deal with your time being wasted  by others who (it seems) have nothing better to do then drag out meetings with things that could be discussed off line or by beating a dead horse. I am one that likes you to make your point then move on.  I do not need you to go over it and over it and over it again.  I got it the first time. I understand you are very passionate about this.  Let's work towards a solution.  Telling me the same thing again, is not helping this.  

You also have to deal with unpleasant people. Those who feel like the world owes them something.  They are the ones that are always complaining about something or someone.  They talk about everyone so you know you are being talked about too.  They take things personally and assume everyone else does too.  It is like never ending drama that is sometimes self created.  It is like the drama is their drug of choice and they feed off of it like a zombie munching on their food (like the zombie reference?).  I used to be one of them.  I used to revel in others misery.  It seemed to help me be okay with my life.  Now I am thankful I am strong enough to step back from the drama and walk away.  I do not need to hear the latest gossip nor do I want to know that info.  Last night my jaw dropped twice.. both times when I found out two people (I came across this info at different points in the night) had quit this one organization.  Both absolutely shocked me and one of them was really old news.  But brand new to me, as I never rarely participate in the gossip anymore. I try to walk away or defuse the gossipy talk.  If I participate it usually is to clear up a misconception, though lately I have just been keeping my mouth shut completely. But it was interesting to me, that this group of people last night who seemed like they wanted to nitpick everything, also was a group that one of these women hangs out with. It has been interesting to sit back and watch how this one group has expanded and breeds their negativity.  They do not even realize it is being done.  They want to make their selves known  and change things, so badly, in anyway they can and they sometimes fail to see the bigger picture, the full picture, or look to the past for reasoning.   It is hard sometimes for me  not to say something.  These are for the most part good people, who seem to just be focusing on what to me are really non issues. I understand they are issues to them.  I respect that.  Everyone is entitled to share their opinions (as long as they do not beat the dead horse.. dead horses do not need to be beaten).  I hope soon one of my organizations will become solid again.  We have gone through changes, splits of opinions upon memberships and things out of our control.  I hope the positive attitudes will help move everyone forward. 

 I hope my smile helps someone else smile. I hope me taking a step back, helps others to do the same.   I really want to me that role model that C sees in me. I am glad I can have someone who pushes me to be a better person.  I want to be the girl who smiles no matter what.  I may be a hot mess most days but I am a southern hot mess by birth and I hope my southern values come through to others.  I am trying really hard to remember I like sweet southern belles much better than  new modern outspoken bitches. Southern belles still got things done,  without the pissing people off part.  So if I can be a sweet southern belle most days, I think I am winning my battle.  And lately, I have totally been winning!  I like winning!  I like smiling and I like being happy.  Niceness goes a long ways.  People really should realize this.   Catch more bees with honey!  So moral of today's blog post.  Be nice, you do not know who may be watching.  Be nice and people will be nice back.  Be nice and you will feel like a much better person.  Be nice and bitterness just melts away.  I could keep going, but i am going to go out there and be nice today!

Day 63 - 2012 Yumminess

Okay spoiler alert*** this is a kinda racy and total nonsense post.  If you do no want to read or are going to judge me.. go ahead and close out now please.. thank you *************

Birthday dinner for B was a SUCCESS!  He loved his food and cake and said no one other than family has ever made his birthday so special. LOVE IT!  He even stayed for a midnight birthday kiss.  Which makes for a tired moi but certainly glad I was able to provide joy to others.  I think that is why I love cooking, I love the joy it brings to others. Plus I love his kisses and hugs.  He pulls me close, as he towers over me. I feel like a tiny little princess as he leans down with such a big smile. I wanted him to stay to cuddle (I do not cuddle, but he is one that I actually do not mind cuddling with), at least that thought crossed my mind.   Great end to the night.  B is such a genuinely good guy.  B and I have similar types of friends.  Similar all over the place personality. He has an evil/bad/really fun B side, just like I have an evil/bad/really fun side when drinking.  Both of us recognize those bad behaviors and have been our twins away.  We both volunteer and care about others.  We both love to laugh and have a good time.  He loves to be the certain of attention, where I am more in the background.   I like that he is that way, it lets me just chill and I like to just chill.   He seemed nervous in kissing me last night or rather this morning.  Probably due to much lower alcohol content last night, than his previous I want to kiss you moment. So his confidence was down a bit, but still major attraction. He keeps me guessing.  I am letting him be the pursuer since his life is crazy.  No rushing, which is a fabulous thing.    On paper, he is a great fit for me. I adore him

But then there is L.  He is just so respectful, and never pressures me (nor has he for the 8 plus years I have known him).  Teases me endlessly, seems to know exactly what I want, I feel drunk off his kisses sometimes.  But always respectful, like in high school. I close my eyes and smell him, feel him near me. I love being close to him. I feel safe when he is around. I want to kiss him, I want him to hold me.  But when he is not around, I feel like I am the farthest thing from his mind. He is busier than me at times.  Such a hard worker but that leaves little time for anything else. We talk about almost everything.  Very few secrets we keep from each other.  I often wonder,  is my attraction the fact that we are such close friends who have an insane attraction to each other, that neither has acted on,  coupled with the fact he reminds me of Vin Diesel my celeb crush. Or is there more. Can we in fact survive our different backgrounds and make it work? Or is our attraction the fact we have had a high school on again off again romance for years with no consummation.. no real calling it a relationship, more than friendship.

Today for lunch L and I ran home, ate leftovers, ate some cake then made out standing up in the kitchen. It was a yummy lunch.  I know I know.. bad girl  very bad girl.  I am okay with it, super hot lunch.

I am conflicted.  A lot...  I like them both. I am not monogamous with anyone, and it is just a little harmless high school making out.  I like them both, but both need to step up if they like me.  I want to be courted, I want to be treated the way they should treat me (not that either do not already) but they do both lack the follow through of making plans, so I fill up and they get no time.. I have other guys asking me out and making effort, so  I seriously,  need one of them to man up.  I like them both a lot.  .........   They both make me ridiculously happy, each in their own way.  Only time will tell which direction I will go. I am sure they will weed themselves out, or someone else will come along that will man up and I will be left with "what if?".   I do know that I like dating someone I am friends with first.  I like the fact that they already know my personality and they seem to be less aggressive with me and more willing to go with the flow.   Right now, I am back to thinking dating is fun.  But I think it is because I am back to being in a really good place with me and having my confidence back. Which of course makes me more attractive.  Happy smiley girls are sexy girls!

So,  I had my cake (see below).. ate it too and got some kisses.  Life is not so bad!

Day 62 - 2012 Worker bee and Apocalypse

So yesterday I was a little worker bee at Chez Awesome.  Started the day with a visit to Lowe's and buying lots of things for the yard. Then the grocery store.  Once home I fixed fence, laid rocks, laid pavers, fixed stairs, fixed holes around porch, nailed up lattice, baked a 3 layered cake (cake and frosting, and filling all from scratch), got some things diced up for tonight, cleaned the house... bathed dogs, did laundry.. I am a tired girl!  I look like a wounded soldier.  I hammered my finger instead of the nail.

As I was walking through Lowe's and later on working out in the yard. I came to the realization that these movies of the zombie apocalypse or a plague, might happen.  Think about it for a second.  Look around you, now notice how many people are coughing, sneezing, or sniffling.  Quite a few huh?  All it takes is one strand of a nasty virus that we have no idea how to treat, or control and bam, it will spread like a wild fire.  We are all under the "must work until we die" pretense, that we come to work sick, we go to the store sick, we do not stay in bed and stay away from others.  We feel this  need to share the wealth.  That need will be the end of us.  I know I sound crazy.  But the more I watch this stuff, the more I am like OMG this could happen (not the zombie part, but the plague wiping us out part, I am not completely crazy).  But if you really think about it, we would be screwed.  We are so depended on luxuries, electronics and instant gratification.   Could we be repeating history?  I wonder about so much. So much that most of us think is far fetched, but if you look at history, it could happen. There were plagues that wiped out most of humanity, leaving the strong, weeding out the weak.  Weeding out the weak doesn't sound so bad, until you think you may be one of the weak.   Moscow, Marseilles, Rome, Athens, Milan, London, China,  America even,  How about the black death that spread from central and south Asia, to North Africa, Arabia and Europe through Denmark and even Ireland.  We have had plagues time and time again over history.  Why should this time be any different?  Why do we think we are immune to catastrophic diseases?  There has to be someone who thinks about these things right?  Are they as frightened at this idea as I am?  I need to not think about what if's....  At least these movies are giving me ideas on how to survive if something does go down.  Until then.. stay safe and stay away from the sick ones!

3 layered from scratch pineapple cake
Before frosting                                                             After frosting!

Super excited to eat it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 61-2012. Drama queen

Tonight I attended a crushes birthday dinner. Now this is strictly a crush. I do not at all think he likes me more than friends but he is an amazing person has done so much. He is a good boy but has a bad boy side and is HOT So we went out for his birthday. Once again we met some of his friends who just are very cliquish and who just soo not display common pleasantries or warm fuzzies like most people do. It's funny because those types of people make me giggle and make me want to make them talk to me. One girl sat there with a sour puss face pouting like she lost her best friend or hated everyone at the table. Hahahahahahahagaahaha super funny. I kept smiling at her. I never want to be that girl. I want to be the girl that when people say my name they say". She is genuinely a nice happy girl". That is my goal. I am my own worst enemy some days. Some days my drama queen side emerges and I start to slip into my mean girl drama queen self. Only for a small time frame but she still emerges. I cannot wait until the day she stays sequestered and does not appear at all. One can dream right?

Day 60 - 2012

So I really should start coming up with cute little titles to my blog.  I realize this.  But that is a lot of pressure every day. I stress, and agonize over the title.  Is it catchy? Is it too much? Is it not enough?  I am a lunatic at times (or I feel like one).  Sometimes I wonder if I am alone in that feeling or if everyone feels that way and some are REALLY good at hiding it, and others, well others are not so good.  I like to think I fall in the upper middle part.  I am better than average at hiding my stress, yet sometimes I fail miserably. At least I know I can keep starting over and keep trying. I found this quote today and really liked it, so I will share:


"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down."  Mary Pickford


It is funny, as soon as I think I am doing so well, someone points out that same flaw out.  They do not know how far I have come, how much better I am now than I was even  3 months ago.  I have a choice, I can let that comment take the wind out of my sails, or look at it as, 'I still have a ways to go'.  But look at oh how far I have come.  I am not in tears, or letting it get me down. I am still smiling and happy that I am better.  What she perceived as me not letting things roll, is in fact the way I let it roll.  That I do not really hate someone, I just dislike that moment and once it has passed, it is gone. I do not hold on to it.   I let go.  Feels good to let go. Feels good to be encouraged not defeated by feedback.  I am not perfect, but it sure is nice to strive to be better in the imperfect life. 

Day 59 - 2012

Yesterday a dear friend made my day.  She told me that she loved seeing me so happy all the time and asked why.  I said, "Well I let go of things that were out of my control, I stopped worry about my self imposed timeline and have been more open about things and life.  Less judgmental and am just over all in a really good place in life.  Plus I like smiling."  i said a lot more but that is the gist of it.  It feels good that others notice how happy I have been.  Kind of made my day.

Plus lunch with L was really good.  I love seeing him.  He makes me feel like the sexiest gal in all the world.  I wish we lived in  my fantasy world where we could flourish together. So sweet, so handsome, smart, good guy. We would make pretty babies. LOL  I know I am a hot mess. Some times I think he needs more confidence at times, then surprises me at other times with the surge of confidence.  He is oh so sexy when he is confident.  But still sweet. I just love how we can talk for hours and that we share so much with each other.  It is like we are a part of the others life, even when we are really just looking in from the outside.

I have been having crazy dreams.  Very vivid, life like. I awake and feel like I actually lived the dream.  It is crazy how I can feel the emotions I feel, smell the smells, remember the tastes I tasted. Even crazier when things happen in life that happened in a dream.  Sometimes I wonder, "Do I have a tad bit of clairvoyance in me?"  Then I think "that is crazy".   A friend of mine just got a 2nd job for the psychic hotline. It was fairly easy  She asked questions and gave advice based on her paying attention to the interviewers answers. I can do that!  I should really think about it.  Apparently it is really good money and fun.  Though I think I would feel sorry for people who called in.  I get wanting to know your future, but sometimes knowing is not always the best way to be.  I was once told my a fortune teller that I would meet the man I was supposed to marry in October.  Well that was MANY years and many Octobers ago, and nope nothing.  Now if I believed, I may have held on to that I "missed him" or it will be "next October" But really, I think she told me what I needed to hear at the time, which helped me move on and forward with life.

Sorry for my randomness lately, I seem to have no direction in my blog posts. But I am okay with that.  I hope that everyone has an amazing day!  I challenge you to make someone smile today.  I guarantee it will make you smile in return!

Day 58 - 2012

Feast or Famine.. right?  I do not get the universe some times.  I either have no interest in ANY boys or I have multiple that fit me really well.  I do have one that is a front runner.  I really like B and have for over 6 years. He is such a sweetie, cute, funny funny funny and  confident.  I love how confident he is.  He is just an all around good guy.  I like that a lot.  So I guess it is good that I have others to distract me, so I do not get sooooo focused on him.  Need him to ask me on a date so we can officially start this courtship. At least this would be a courtship.  Call me old fashioned but I miss being courted.  I miss the days of dating and getting to know someone slowly.  We have mutual friends, we like doing similar activities and we both want someone a lot like the other and (yes another and) we have both had crushes on the other from the minute we met. I get that za za zu feeling when I think of him, ah butterflies in the tummy, heart racing, smiles that stay on my face long after his thought has vanish.  I want to see where this takes us, which is why he is the front runner.

But then I have my sweet Asian boy that does court me and gives me butterflies and ends up in my dreams, never pressures me physically and we have so much history.  I love how we are so close as friends and have been for over 8 years.  I honestly cannot imagine my life without him.  But I also cannot imagine a life with him as a spouse.  We are great when it is us.  But our lives do not mesh well together. I think he realizes it too, which is why we have only kissed and not pushed us to go farther.  We are comfy together. We are very attracted to the other, but I think we both know that it will not go farther than really good friends.  If I close my eyes I can smell his smell, and I smile.   I get really emotional thinking of him. So many reasons to date him and so many not too.   His communication skills need improvement.  He shuts down when he is upset.  I need someone who talks to me, tells me what is going on.  Though he has taught me a lot.  I know he is in my life for a reason and I am thankful he is.   I wish I could be the girl for him. I wish our lives meshed together.  If only we could move to some deserted island. But alas, that is not feasible.

Then we have a newbie to the group.  He is really nice and we have gone on 2 dates.  the 3rd got canceled due to my migraine.  Though he is  not very aggressive. He goes MIA for days, which is fine, since I really am not that enthralled by him.  Very nice, but another one of I think or lifestyles will not mesh and we have that nasty businesses of us living 30 mins apart and frankly I am not driving all the way to the beach, so he may be on his way out.  Who are we kidding, he already is.

THEN... we have A.  A and I have been friends for 10 years.  He knows me better than anyone.  The attraction between us is super hot.  I can close my eyes and feel  his breath. He listens to me vent, he listens to be happy, he is always there and loves me no matter my mood or size of my body.  He thinks I am an amazing person and tells me ALL the time.  Catch.. he lives 3 hours away, with neither of us wiling to move.  He has asked me to marry him on occasion, but again 3 hours difference. If I really think about it honestly, he is where he needs to be.  He has a girl right now that adores him.  Part of my likes knowing I am the one that got away from him.  Had only he stepped up years ago.  But he didn't and that is why we are were we are now. I need someone who steps up and can put me in my place. He has the putting me in my place part.. not the stepping up part.

I also have little J who is so sweet but I am not interested in at all.  So I have to constantly keep my distance from him. His is a boy who has a crush on an older woman (yes I am the older woman.. who would have thought I would ever be saying that??)

SB is always around, but I am keeping that as friends only.. crushes are good right?  Plus let's face it.. he is a slut baby and no matter what he says, that is what he is.  He is needy, and emotional and confusing.  He is a hot mess that does not want to admit he is a hot mess.  At least I admit it!

I feel like I am missing someone. Hmm  well must not be that important.  So you see I have lots of choices, though one that I really would like to see progress as he would be an excellent partner and would make life even more fun than it is now. I love to laugh, he loves to laugh and we both are not afraid to make a fool out of ourselves for a laugh.  So we shall see if he steps up, as he is confident... now I need to see a step up.

Step up or move on .. that is my theme lately  :)

So hopefully the feast will die down to one yummy one.  We shall see.. only time will tell!  At least life is not dull!

Day 57 - 2012

This morning I woke up before my alarm.  Went by this new bagel place "Bagel Love" and picked up bagels for the office and an egg, cheese and avocado sandwich on an everything bagel for me (DELISH)  Love love love having a locally owned bagel place again!  The bagels are so light and airy. Totally made my morning.  Especially after waking up to a very clean house and no pee from a certain older dog, which means he slept all night.. which makes me happy.  Poor guy. He was snoring like an old man last night. So cute!  I do love him!  Hard to believe I have had him for 9 years.  And wow what a fun 9 years it has been.  We have had lots of ups and downs but I have never doubted his love for me.  He definitely loves his Mama!

I am feeling a little bad this morning.  I have a friend who I know likes me.  He has had a crush for years.  At a time of weakness and drunken stupor, I did kiss him but it has been years and he still is holding out.  He comes over most days to say hi.  Usually he is quiet about his liking me, but last night he was very vocal.  Wants to take me out to dinner.  Wants to try to move this forward.  It will not happen.  He is a very nice guy, there is a slight attraction but not enough for me to want to move forward.  He is much younger than me, not stable, has a slight drinking problem and is friends with ALL of my exes friends.  All of which I do not want in my life for  a partner.  I am happy right now.  In a really good place, I really do not need a detour back to a life I have worked so hard to get out of. I feel bad for this guy.  He wants a girl like me so badly, but he just does not get he needs to be the kind of guy a girl like me wants.  He tries to do what he thinks I want which makes me more repelled.  When he doesn't try he is awesome to be around.  I can never let my guard down around him. I am always aware of my body language, anything I say, anything he says.  I try to always act in the best way possible so that I do not lead him on.  I know he is frustrated because I felt that way with SB.  I had a crush, he knew it, he has an attraction but we  both know it would not work.  So friends it stayed.  But with this little boy he has yet to grasp that we are not moving forward.  It is friends or nothing. I just cannot move backwards.  I need to continue to move forward.

(On a really side note.. I love love love Taylor Swift.  She makes me so happy!)

I am so glad I have been able to get myself out of the funk I was in.  I think everyone goes through things, but it is a testament when you can pull yourself out. When you look in the mirror and do not like what you see or how you have acted and are able to say that you want to change and do it.  It is so easy to be negative and gossip and just not be nice.. it takes effort to not gossip and to think about the positives out of the situation.  Yes I fail some days, but most days I win and that to me is freaking awesome!

Have an amazing day!

Day 56 - 2012

So I watched all of season 1 of The Walking Dead.  Now I am not a zombie girl.  They gross me out. The thought that someone that was once alive, will look like they did, but grosser, and will try to eat me, skeeves me out a bit.  But the story line is really good. You root for the family and other survivors and revel in the fact that Zombies are everywhere and moving slowly, yet, the human race was unable to over come these things, to the point where there are more zombies than humans.  It is crazy to think about.  What would you do? Where would you barricade  yourself?  Could you survive? I know I would be sleeping in the attic.. that way I could close myself off to the crazies.

Speaking of crazies.. I am acting like one.  I have two friends who the rest of us think are dating.  They go to lunch every day together, they take vacations at the same time together.  It is really really a mystery and bothering me.  Though i know it should not bother me. It still does.  Crazy right?  I feel crazy.  Especially when I think things out loud.  I am like wow crazy girl, who really cares?  And really I do not give two rats asses if they are dating. I think it is the being lied too which is what gets me. I can take not being told.. but when I ask a question and get a non truthful or half truthful answer, that hurts and I do not like to be hurt so it is either stop being friends or out these people so they stop lying. I need to just stay the eff out of it.  I need to go home and be a good little girl. Stay out of peoples lives and just deal with mine.  Mine is going well.  Maybe that is the issue. No drama in my life so I am trying to figure out a mystery that is none of my business. I hope they are together. They seem to make each other happy if they are.  So this week I will work on staying out of others business unless they invite me, and just worry about me.. god knows i have enough to worry about.. my landscape (front and back) at my house needs help.  Who am I kidding I look like white trash lately.  I clean every day and every day the animals mess things up.  George is shedding and it is horrid.  The backyard looks horrid.. They dogs have torn a hole in the fence.. though I think Bailey was the main on for that as my dogs have NEVER dug out, only under the house not out of the yard.  I also had to put back up the lattice and block it from being torn down until i can nail it back in.  Lots and lots of work to do which should be my focus.. and is my focus when I am at home.  I guess I am just admitting none of us are perfect and I need to remind myself of that.  Plus I have been the girl who kept things hidden before, though I did a MUCH better job of keeping my secret. :)

Day 55-2012

So many people come and go from your life. Some hang around and at times take more of an active role and other times are just in the background. But all help mold who you are.  Embrace them, even the bad ones.  For the bad ones help make you realize what you never want to be :)


On a great note:
I was so excited to be surrounded by the B family for Sunday Fun day. Love them! Had a great time at the movies and pizza!!!! I'm a lucky girl!

Day 54 - 2012

Wow is there grumpiness smothering the work environment today.  I keep smiling, and I am really hoping it is irritating the piss out of the grumpy ones. BWHAHAHA, seems to be working so far :)

So my sweet boss sent me to quotes today that I love by Dr. Seuss (you know I love him and it is his birthday ta boot):
"When beetles fight, these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles... they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle."
and
"Why fit in when you were born to stand out?"

I think fitting in is boring.  Bring something to the table and be your own person.  People like others that bring things to the table, they like personality.. your personality.  I feel sorry for people who always want to fit in. I was that girl at one point in my life and it was exhausting.  Plus you lose yourself.   You lose what you like and who you are.

So I signed up for  "Yes You Canvas" class.  Super excited to be painting the Jax Skyline
Check them out:
http://yesyoucanvas.com/

Hoping I love it, if so I will go back and paint a lighthouse for my mommy.. she loves lighthouses!

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss, thanks for bringing the world so much joy!

Day 53 - 2012

Today I am amazed at how some people treat others.  I am amazed that I was that girl at one point in my life. How did I not see it?  How was I so selfish and blind?  How could I not use my words to communicate with the intended party, instead of vent to others aka gossip and be negative?  I get that as you grow up, you learn things and you improve on  you.  That is what I started doing. I stopped letting others control my mood and attitude and started being more grateful and showing gratitude. life can always be worse. I am in a good place. I wish I could help others get there too, but I know it is a personal journey.  I can keep smiling and just try to help them through or at least stay out of their way :)  I get frustrated, when they call me out on things that I have worked really hard to change, and haven't done in a while.  I feel like they want to push my buttons and try to make me go back to being that person.  It is like they cannot accept that people can change apart of who they are with a little effort. Makes me sad.  I do not like being sad, so I tend to shy away from those making me feel that way.  I like being happy, I do not like talking about things that irritate me or  make me sad. I like changing the subject and laughing.. Oh do I love laughing.  I love the feeling I get with a big loud belly laugh.  Some people do not like my laugh and others cannot get enough.  I like the ones that cannot get enough. :)  I like to laugh.  I do not care if you are laughing at me or with me, as long as you are laughing. I love to pretend I am "Special Jamie" and clap my hands at everything.   People either look at me really strange, laugh or are REALLY nice because they really think something is wrong with me  BWAHAHA  so much fun!

Try having a little fun today, act silly, make someone laugh, crack yourself up, just have fun.  Life is hard enough, minus well try to lighten up a bit!

I love Audrey Hepburn: