It is crazy how one song, some smell, a sound, tasting something, can bring back a flood of memories that you thought were lost forever. Sometimes they are amazing memories that you want to keep forever, and others not so much. Sometimes I wish I did not remember the good times with some people. Sometimes I wish I only remembered the hurt. But the hurt fades. The good takes over. Maybe the good takes over so you can move on without letting hurt hold you back. Hurt makes you bitter. No one wants to be bitter.. well most people do not want to be bitter. Forgetting hurt, helps you learn from your mistakes. Learning from mistakes makes you a better person. When you can face the person that hurt you without feeling like you are going to crumble with a smile on your face. I call that a win.
I relish in the memories, I remember. I love the rush I feel when a distant memory reappears. The way I get taken instantly back to that moment. My emotions well up inside me. If I close my eyes, I am in the moment. Sometimes I just want to stay there in that moment. I want to relive it. I want to see if my choices would be different with what I know now. Sometimes I picture my life, with a different choice. Would life have been perfect? No, but manageable? Maybe... I have made some very poor choices, acted selfishly, immaturely, did not communicate well enough, dated people I shouldn't, held on to loves too long, tried to be someone I am not, let go of people I shouldn't have, and had a ton of fun. Some memories like riding in the woods with M on horseback all day, then again in the truck at night, making out in the cabin by the river, sitting by a camp fire, drinking too much, kissing too much, laughing a lot, all bring me back to such a simpler time of my life. I thought I knew it all, I did not. I was silly and stupid and young. I was in love with two men. M and L. M who loved me fiercely for me. He loved my wild side and my not so wild side. We had so many adventures. Then L who I loved from 8th grade on, who loved me, but wanted to follow his parents plan. Who wanted a simple girl, who did simple things, and loved him fiercely and only him. Both men, got married and both men tried to contact me after their marriage. I am the one that got away. But am I really? Or was it those memories that we have had. Like running from game wardens while riding through the woods. Buying beer before we were 21, staying out past curfew. We had fun. I was always up for an adventure. Their wives were not. They were home by 11 and good girls. I was not so good. I have never been good at decisions. I am much easier when they are made for me. Both M and L made that decision for me. L got married young, after admitting, he wishes he could wait for me to get my wild side out. Both men I would have had a mediocre life with. Lots of laughs, fights, and a lot me not being me. So as amazing as those memories are, I am glad they did not hold me back. I am glad I can move forward knowing I had amazing high school loves and that the love was reciprocated. I am glad they found women who fit what they needed. I wish I could mesh all the best characteristics of all my fave guys into one. Ahhhh the perfect man. LOL I am sure he so would not be perfect.. but then again neither am I.
I miss those days in the woods. Just riding around, laughing, listening to music. I can remember my best friend K in high school and I chasing the boys all night through the woods. Laughing about nothing and everything. Taking random paths, swimming in the river, mud bogging. So many fun times. I wish I could bottle them all up.
I know I cannot change the past, but those memories sure do make me realize I have had an amazing life. It may not be the life I had planned, but it is still an amazing life. I cannot wait to make more memories in the future. Lots and lots of memories. Lots of laughing, lots of crying and lots of love.
Memories make us who we are. Go out there and make some amazing memories this year, this week or every day!
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