Day 1 and 2 post chemo #3

The It's day 1 post chemo.  Baby woke up at 5 am. Finally got husband up like 6:30 to help with baby only to late as by then tot was stirring. Everyone in my house has missed the "mom just had toxic waste pumped in her body and needs sleep". Even the eldest who says he understands but treats me like normal. I should be happy he treats me like normal but at this moment I'm exhausted, nauseous and my eyes keep leaking randomly.  I made it through the day with no nap and even went on a dad with the eldest and my daddy. Though went to bed early and slept really good!

Day 2 Woke up before the kids with nauseousness.  I've been exhausted today and have taken it easy. Just have done a light work out in between kids naps and being lazy! 

I swear if it wasn't for these boys I would have spent all day in bed. I just want to sleep! Hoping for an early bedtime so I can hopefully be less of a zombie tomorrow!

The tumor feels smaller already. Though starting to freak out over surgery. Not picking up my tot for at least 2 weeks possibly up to 6 freaks me out as well as if they say I can't pick up the baby. I do so much for them. And most of the time am the only one home. Seriously freaking out.  I'll feel better when I have a date for the surgery.  Focusing now on getting into shape so surgery recovery will be easier!  

Thanks for all the messages and love!

Hoping everyone is having a great day!

#fightinglikeagirl  #wegotthis

Chemo day

Today was crazy!  Baby woke us up at 4 by 5 the entire house was up. I'm beyond exhausted. I hate being asked "are you fatigued" uh yeah I have a 3 month old at home what do you think?   

So we were 30 mins late today which didn't matter as they were super late. They tried to schedule chemo next time for 7:30am and I just laughed!  No way we can make the on time. 

We got another crappy spot which made it impossible to sleep. 

I'm tired so, very tired. Deon came to visit and brought me hats. That was fun and appreciated.  I've had no lunch only breakfast. I can't get warm and m just over all exhausted. I'm definitely not my chipper self. I think they left off the anti anxiety drugs which are very much needed. 

Still have about 30 mins today before we can get out of here. I'm ready to go!

Hope everyone had a good day!

Much love!

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Nervousness setting in, but thankful

The nervousness for chemo on Friday is setting in. Just as it does, I seem to hear from just the right people who say just the right things. The emails, texts, calls, cards, they all seem to come right as I need it. I have been very emotional lately so getting sweet messages makes me super happy!  I know part of my emotional state is due to sweet little Fletcher and his fight!  I am so so so so so thankful that it is me going through having cancer and chemo and not one of my babies. So while I am nervous to see what my labs say, I am thankful this is happening to me.  Part of the nervousness is I do not think the tumor has shrunk as much as it did in the beginning, this go around. Makes me think that the tumor wasn't really 8 centimeters and really looked bigger than it was due to me nursing and all the milk in there.  That makes me really nervous that maybe the treatment isn't working as well as we thought it was. I keep pushing the thoughts to the back in my head, but they still creep up to the front from time to time. I am nervous on how I will react this time to the treatment. Will I be sick day 4 and 5 or 7-11 like last time or will it be totally different?  From my support groups, #3 usually is not too bad, most people said #2, 4, 6 are the worst. Not sure why that is. I am going to ask for lots of fluids again this time to see if that helps!

I am trying to enjoy feeling good right now. All laundry is getting done, house cleaned, lots of playing with the boys, all leading up to the next few weeks. Oh I love waking up to those sweet boys. Those smiles and giggles!

I am so thankful that another friend has reached out to me to give me her extra breast milk!  Between sweet friends and my sister miraculously being able to lactate again, my sweet baby boy is getting good milk along with the best formula i could find.   He is latching on to my sister more and more every day which is helping her supply get greater daily!  That sweet, stubborn, amazing sister of mine.  I am not sure what I would do without her!  She takes care of me, my kids, is my wet nurse, my cheerleader, best friend!  Goodness, I am not sure what I have done to deserve her but I am sure glad I have her!  

I really cannot complain!  Thank you for all of your support and love!  I know I keep saying it but it is really true, i couldn't get through this without you guys!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Great weekend

This weekend was great!  I felt great!  I had a visit from a dear friend! The kids were sweet and lovable. I got to visit with my parents a bit. Overall very good upswing to  this fridays Chemo date!

I am definitely nervous about Friday. I mean I know what to expect during that day, it is more the aftermath. Every time I have chemo, things change slightly. Makes it hard to plan. I feel bad telling people I cannot, or let's play it by ear. But the truth is, I do not know if I will feel okay to do something. As much as i want to see people, sometimes I just need to rest or be close to a bathroom. Even visiting with K on sat wore me out. The kids and I were in bed super early, as I was exhausted!

I am super emotional today. I am  sure it has to do with me no longer  nursing and all of those hormone changes that go along with that, along with the sadness out there in the world. I keep choosing happiness. Which is easy when i see my kids giggle. When they are playing and smile. When they give me a big smile and hug when they see me.

It was a great weekend and every moment I spend with the kids is a blessing even when I am being woken up. Life is a gift, and we are not promised the next day. Smile, be kind, and love!

Little Fletcher

Heard some devastating news last night that I really hope turns into good news!

The sweet lady who gave me 230 oz of her frozen breast milk stash, is currently waiting for her 6 month old to undergo brain surgery for a brain tumor.  This all stemmed from one of his eyes twitching the drs thinking he will probably have to wear glasses but let's get a MRI to make sure nothing else is going on, to oh there is a tumor go straight to the hospital and get checked in, to a 2nd MRI and now brain surgery.

Now I know how she is feeling as a mom and as a person who has heard the words, "you have cancer"  I know the emotions I would be feeling if the words were"you child has a tumor and we need to do brain surgery" I know  where her mind is going and where it is fighting to go, more than likely. I hated seeing my child have a GASH in his head from the fan at the zoo. I remember breast feeding him was blood is coming out, with me holding his head as tight as i could with one hand, and his body with the other, as i am running through the Jax Zoo as no one seemed to be able to get us on their cart, and me not knowing how bad it was and if I would see brain if i let go, so I held on. I sad holding my baby tight in the backseat of the car as his daddy drove carefully to the pedi ER. I watched as they poured saline over and over trying to clean it with my poor kid screaming. I watched as they put staples and stitches in his head, and i watched as he passed out from exhaustion. I stayed strong until i got alone and then broke down. My baby.... thankfully he was very resilient and a little tylenol helped. Now i imagine her situation and oh wow.. i know F will be a strong little boy and be as resilient as J was. I know that because she is breastfeeding and as long as he has her, he is good. I imagined my sweet pumpkin that is not nursing going through this and I tell you what, I would quit chemo asap just to be able to produce milk again to help him through this. There is no way I wouldn't.   F will be resilient and has Joanna to hold him tight. I am sending her huge hugs to wrap her in the strength she needs to make it through all of this, so that she can hold him tight!  No mother should have to go through this! Yet they do.

Many hugs Joanna!  I can never thank you enough for helping out my little guy!  I will send tons of love your way!  I can at least do that!


***UPDATE*** I am just going to update this post as i hear new things. They were unable to operate. They were able to get a biopsy, which from the looks, looks like cancer.  They are meeting with a Ped Oncologist today to discuss options, one of which is Chemo :(  I so wish they had been able to operate. The thought of that sweet pumpkin going through what I am make me so sad!

2nd UPDATE** the surgeon accidentally got some brain tissue so they had to go in twice to get the tumor. They think 18 months of Chemo will at least halt, if not shrink and/or get rid of the tumor. The tumor is entangled with the optic nerve and major blood vessels. Poor little thing is in  pain from surgery and being intubated 3 times but has been able to nurse, which I know would make me a happy mama and I know it made him a happy baby! very thankful Joanna is able to nurse!  Will make the next 18 months of his life much easier! He had to have a blood transfusion from losing so much blood. That makes me cry!  I just keep thinking "what if that was me"  Which makes me hold my boys even tighter!

To keep following along this sweet boys fight, please go to: https://www.facebook.com/FletchersFight/?fref=ts


Love
Jamie!

Things could ALWAYS be worse

Today I am reminded, that things could ALWAYS be worse. I mean we ALL have bad days. When we have those days we have choices. We can wallow in the bad, horrible, no good things that have happened to us.  Or... we can rise above and realize that there is someone out there that has it worse than we do!

Now some of you are like, yep, you are right!  Some of you are like, uh she is crazy my day was so bad. She just hasn't heard about my day.  You are right. I haven't.  You could be that person that has it worse than I do. If you are, I am so sorry! I hate that you are going through this and more. It sucks!  But I am sure, you have someone that has it worse that you do!

I will not go into my day, as I do not want to vent, but let's just say it was a bad, horrific, no good day. But the upside is I get to spend time with my sister as we go to the infusion center today. I get to see my sweet babies in a few hours and get their hugs, kisses and smiles. I get to come home to cook in a house I own. I get to sleep in a warm bed in a cool house. So even though I had a few bad things happening, so many more and better good things are happening too. I just have to shift my brain from rehashing the bad things, to rehashing all the good things.  It takes some work, and time, as we are a society that likes gossip and bad things. We focus, our attention to so much bad, we tend to forget all the good.

We all need to slow down, look at the good, smell the flowers,  give out peace and love to others by treating them how we would want to be treated. Too much anger and hostility. Not enough peace, acceptance and love!

If you have a bad day, try to look for some good. I promise it will turn your day around!  You are pretty awesome, and it could ALWAYS be worse!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

A better day

Today is a better day. I am still not 100%. I still feel, not quite right. My lymph nodes are still swollen. I have acne on my head that really hurts as the follicles hurt. I am still tired but not as tired has yesterday. I am still achy but not as bad, so overall things seem to be looking up. Ready for those fluids today. The nurse said they will help get me over this hump. My immune system is so good that it is fighting off the chemo, which is resulting in how I am feeling. I kinda wished it had fought off the cancer as fiercely as it is fighting the chemo. It apparently missed the memo that cancer is bad.

I went to bed early (7) with the baby.  Husband took tot and apparently fell asleep on the couch, as tot came walking in "Daddy sleep, me sleep mama" and curled in bed with me and the baby. LOL I had to laugh. Sweet pumpkin curled up tight and the 3 of us went off into dreamland until baby woke wanting to party around 3 am.  Baby was very restless last night, which aided in me only getting 5 hours of sleep even though i slept 7-7  good times!  I do not recommend chemo with small children at home, especially a newborn.

I cried a lot yesterday. I just felt horrible and everyone wants to help but there is nothing anyone can do to take away the symptoms. When I feel that bad I just want to be asleep and I can't sleep if someone is in the house unfortunately :(

I am very thankful I feel better today. I am thankful for everyone who has reached out to me to help.  Just the thought makes a huge difference! Makes me feel less alone and more like I am surrounded by a village. Every post I make on the facebook group, gets so many comments. I cry reading them. I can feel the love and hugs from afar. I am so thankful to everyone who has taken time to make me know I am loved!

Here is to a better day!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

A few rough days

I hit a rough patch. Thankfully my best friend was in town to help out. She came at just the right time!  My tummy hates this chemo. It was completely tore up. I thought I was giving birth again. That is bad!  Finally got it to calm down a little bit. Then fatigue set in.  I felt like I was pregnant again. My body is depleted of nutrients at the moment. So much so that my head is covered in large cysty zits, which for me only come when I am not taking my vitamins. Knowing this, I know that my immune system is on the fritz which is why I feel like I have the flu. I am shaking (no fever I keep checking that like a stalker, seriously, stalking my temp). I am achy all over. I have a runny nose, which has helped me not have nose bleeds (see plus). Oh and my lymph nodes in my neck on the side of the port are swollen. Jax did kick me right in the port Thursday, so not sure if he did something or my body is just doing its job and trying to get rid of the toxins. No fever is good!  I have to call them if it gets 100.4. Basically I am a baby again and have to follow the baby rules of being sick. Should make it easy since I have a newborn. I have a call into my nurse just to check over the symptoms to make sure I do not need to worry. If I do then I go in for fluids tomorrow and they should be able to squeeze me in, I would think.

Sis said she would drive me to fluids tomorrow, so that will be good. I just really feel off. Trying to stay strong. Am tired. Am really really tired. Everyone wants to help which is so nice. Just wish someone could sleep for me. I know I know not possible, but goodness that would be nice!  That or work for me :D hehe.

Today is one of those days, I just do not feel strong. I have broken down and cried multiple times. I just don't feel good, which is hard for me. I am used to not being sick. I am thankful there is no fever, so no infection. I know it is just my body doing it's job. It is fighting the chemo as it is a toxin. Sometimes i worry my immune system is so good, that it will fight the chemo to keep it from working. At least right now I can feel that the tumor is shrinking. I know it is working even if my body is fighting it. My hope is that the chemo is fighting the tumor and my body is fighting to get the toxins out as quickly as possible, but not by affecting the chemo from working. That is my hope anyway.

Me today: 

It is amazing to see all the messages come in through facebook, email and phone!  You guys really help pick me up when I just want to lay down and not get up. I liken this to labor, but labor doesn't last as long and there is this amazing reward at the end. At the end of this, the amazing reward is that cancer will be in remission (I will never be cured, just can make it go away), but the cost is my health and breasts.  Labor you get your body back eventually. With cancer, so much is taken from you.  Today i am weak. I feel the strength of my village around me, but I personally feel weak. I just know I do not want to leave my boys. I keep focusing on that. I hate hate hate hate what this is doing to them. I am so thankful they will have no memories of this time in their lives. But I still hate they are going through this. My sweet Jax who hugs mama every time she cries. Who tries to help with this brother.  So sweet. My sweet friends who are quick to tell me to lay down. My family who checks on my constantly. All of you help keep me going when I am weak!  Thank you!

Today, this moment, I may be weak but i will gain my strength back. I will rest in a bit before I grab the boys and we will take it easy once home. Today I may be weak but with your help tomorrow (or the next day) I will be strong again!

Much love!
Jamie

Day 7 post Chemo treatment 2

Last night was rough. Very very rough. My stomach hates this chemo. I kept leaving the warmth of the bed for the bathroom. After being both nauseous and poopy I finally took some nausea meds and some imodium.  Exhausted today. Hoping this passes quickly and does not linger!

Excited my bestie should be here any moment!  So at least i have that to look forward too! Plus extra hands for the kids is always a plus when I do not feel good!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

My kids saved my life

M kids truly saved my life. Even though me having them put me at risk for breast cancer. If I had not been pregnant and tandem nursing, we never would have caught this lump until it was too late. It feels like dense breast tissue. It moves freely. When doing a breast exam you do not realize it is there. The only way you would tell is if you grabbed the breast, then you can feel it. Even now with it still a good 2 cms at least.   Me being pregnant made it grow fast and brought it to the surface. Without my toddler nursing, I would have never been able to have that breast fully drained.  Without his help, we never would have realized only the top felt engorged and maybe we need to get this checked.  These kids, saved my life.

On top of that, had I gotten cancer and not have had them, I may not be fighting as hard to stay here. I wouldn't have two sweet, smiling faces to fight for. I may have tried to do this alternatively instead of treating it so aggressive. I definitely would be in a dark place. Dark places are no good. Dark places cause you to want to wither away. I like the light and kids help you find your light!

 I have my kids and my nieces watching me. I want to be a good example for them. I want to show them in the face of adversity, you can stand your ground. You can do so gracefully, with love, acceptance, determination and fortitude! I want to show them, you choose your attitude. That not one, thing defines them, but many define them.  Yes I have cancer, but that is not who I am, I am made of up so many more parts than that. I want to smile every day, because it makes me happy!  i do not want to cry, that makes me sad. I choose to smile, I choose to look at the bright side, the optimistic side.  I choose to dance even in the rain! Living a good happy life is hard! But it makes it easier when you know four little sponges are soaking up everything you do and say. i want to be strong for them, yet show them people need to break down at times. They light up my life with such joy!  Seeing my toddlers tenacity, pushes me to push harder. My kids and my nieces truly make me a better person! For them I fight. For them I smile. For them i will dance in the rain! I will dance and dance and dance!  They saved my life and will continue saving it over and over again! Best little life savers ever!  i do so love them oh so very much!  Soooo soooo much! They will have a mama watch them grow. I will see what tiny humans I am able to help raise. I would do so much for them! For them i fight!

Cheers to a good fight and my sweet life savers!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Day 6 post Chemo

It has been a week since Chemo, technically today is day 6 post chemo. Today I feel poopy. I am exhausted. Last night I hit a brick wall with my energy. I started with the chemo poops which suck. So all night crampy, until I finally had to leave the bed to drop some kids off at the pool. I am not really dehydrated more just exhausted and feeling not quite right. I really wish i could go back to bed and not have to be an adult today. At least i just need to get through today and tomorrow and then it is the weekend. We have company coming but i can at least relax with extra hands to help with the kids.

Today I heard news that a someone I knew lost her fight to cancer. This hits home. She was so positive and had the best outlook on life. She was loved by many. She leaves children behind and a husband. Makes this more real. The reality is, even when I beat this round, I have a 30% chance it will come back somewhere else. So far the smaller odds have not been in my favor. I mean I am in the group of women who are the LEAST likely to get cancer and with the HER2 gene which only 1 in 3 women with breast cancer have. LOL it is comical to think about and scary all at once.

So over all today I am exhausted, poopy and just not right. Husband also has to work tonight so it will be an early night for the kids and I.  That is a plus!


Here's to a better tomorrow!

Love
Jamie

Am I okay?

I was asked yesterday "Are you really okay or is this all a front/show for us."  

The person didn't mean it in a mean way. It was a valid question. The truth is, I have my moments of "OMG I can't leave my boys" but that is the moment when I also know I am going to be okay, as I AM NOT leaving my boys!  I can't leave them without a Mama, without ME.  So do I cry, YES, I am human. Thankfully I have my husband's strong arms to fall into when I am not able to hold myself together.   Do I have my moments of questioning everything, YES, I am human. I am very happy with the medical team we have put together. They have listened to my wishes, they have told me what they would do in my position. Not just from a drs standpoint but "If this was you/your wife" standpoint.  The care my drs give me is more than I could ask for, yet exactly what I need at this time when everything is so scary and overwhelming.

Cancer is scary, even breast cancer. I understand that most breast cancers are no longer a death sentence. I also understand that mine could very well be. I am choosing to believe it is not. I am choosing to believe that we caught it before the nasty cells could migrate past my breast and axillary lymph nodes. The type I have with the HER2 gene is a beast!  A nasty, sneaky, beast that can reoccur at any moment and not in the original place. It is super aggressive!  It is why we started chemo before surgery. Had we waited for surgery, I would more than likely be starting this journey as stage 4  not stage 3a  Why it is not a huge difference, it is a big difference.  It means i have a chance to go into remission. It means i have more years left with my kids and family before I leave them.   It gives me a chance to breathe and make sure I want to follow the rest of the treatment plan, and decide things like reconstruction or not and double Mastectomy or not. And the answer is yes we are doing a double, every single doctor I have spoken with (and its been a few) have said double is needed with my diagnosis.  As for reconstruction, my breasts have given me free drinks, fed my babies and given cancer a place to grow. I think we are going out Thelma and Louise style, with a bang and not looking back. I want to design a pretty tattoo in their place!  I know its not what "normal" women think should be done but I am not vain, my breasts do not define me just like my hair doesn't define me. I am me inside and I will still be me even if my appearance changes.

Does it suck to look in the mirror and not see the normal version of you?  YES, again I am human. But I will say each time I look in the mirror it seems more natural. I no longer see a sick person. I now see a beautiful warrior with the same smile that has always been there. I see a woman who is fighting to stay alive for her family.  I see a spirit who lives not just for herself but for others.   I see ME!  A huge part of me being able to see me, is YOU!  All of you!  All of your sweet messages, comments, texts etc.  You make me believe I am strong, beautiful and will win this fight! My sweet boys make me believe it too. Jax says "Mama pretty" all the time!   He makes me see the beauty through a 2 year olds eyes and that is amazing!  My 3 month old smiles everytime he sees me. A whole body smile that lights up a room. That is also amazing!

So am I okay, YES, most definitely I am okay. I am okay that I have cancer. I am okay that I have to fight. I am okay with the treatment plan so far. I am okay that the tumor is shrinking. I am okay with cutting my hair. I am okay with the fact Thelma and Louise will have to go bye bye. I am at peace and okay with the entire situation.  I am okay!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

College BFF coming to visit and day 4 post chemo treatment 2

YAY my college BFF is coming into town to visit. I teared up!  I miss her!  I also teared up because my sweet friend is sending some breast milk with the BFF. And i received a beautiful scarf in the mail that i am currently wearing!  Everyone is so sweet and gracious!  It means soo soo much to me!

Today I am feeling good. Way better than day 4 after the first treatment!  Still a little queasy, a little poopy but not so crampy! (i'll take that any day) not dehydrated really, just a tad thirsty but going in for fluids today so that will be quenched

I just got an email that my sweet "little brother" shaved his head too! He looks so handsome!  My mom said my dad wanted too. I think I may have posted this already but my father in law and our friend Mike shaved theirs. My other friend Mike is going to shave his too!  You guys make me happy!  Thanks for not letting me walk through this alone!

I am telling you, you guys know how to make a girl feel loved! It really is amazing to see how much you are loved!  It is nice to know those you love feel the same about you!  So many people you lose touch with, but that love never dies!  It takes just a spark to help fuel the feelings and bring them to light!  I hate that my cancer did that but at the same time i love it!  I love love love hearing from you guys!  Everyone is supporting me in THEIR own way and ALL of you make a difference to ME! I really wish i could convey with pinpoint accuracy the amount of gratitude and love that I feel for each of you!  I cannot imagine going through this without the love and support of my friends and family. I am so thankful I did not keep this to myself, as going through this alone seems like it would be a very dark place and I like seeing the light!

Love you all!  Have a fabulous day!

Love
Jamie

Day 3 post chemo treatment 2

Today I am tired. I am tired mostly because I have been up since 3:30am when the toddler decided he needed water, which woke the baby, who thought it was play time for an hour.  By the time he went to sleep, husband was up and I realized sleep wasn't going to happen. I prepared for it mentally.  I did not expect to be so crampy (food poisoning gassy). I am slightly nauseous but the meds took that away!  YAY!  other than that I am not too bad!

Let's hope tomorrow is good too!  I think the key was asking for that extra IV fluids during chemo. That seemed to help me the most!  Will definitely ask again!

I go in tomorrow for more fluids!  YIPEE!  who knew i would ever been excited to be hooked up via iv for fluids but man, you feel refreshed!  One perk of the chemo treatments!

So for today, I am good!  I will take the good. I even did the recycling and garbage already, and cleaned the floors in the house! Go me go!

Now off to do laundry!

Have a great day!


If you want to follow me on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/569719376534749/

Though truthfully, you get more info here :D

Love,
Jamie

Head is shaved

Yesterday my sweet husband surrounded by my sister, nieces, and boys, we shaved my head. The hair was falling out by handfuls every time it was touched. It needed to come out before my toddler ate it all or my infant wrap it around his fingers or toes. So yesterday surrounded by the people that I love,  I shaved my head, well my husband saved my head, with my sister filming after she'd already shaved hers before coming over. 

Here is the video: https://youtu.be/T_CwA-gqF1g

We took a before and after picture with my children

My sister and I 

After the video, my husband then straight razored my head for extra smoothness. After he did that, I finally looked in the mirror, I started crying as he held me against his chest. Now when I look in the mirror it varies from looking sick to looking like a warrior. 

I know it's just hair I know it will grow back and I know that I'm beautiful and the matter what. Especially as I sit here and hold my sweet baby boy who now I can see looks like me. 

I cannot ask for any better support than I already have everyone in my life. everyone who reads this blog, everyone who supports me on Facebook, you all mean the world to me! thank you for making me feel like I am always surrounded by huge hug and huge amount of love you guys really are my rock and I couldn't get through this battle without you! thank you thank you thank you!! 

Love Jamie 

Treatment deux!

My 2nd treatment is over!  I survived and will see soon what the aftermath will be.  I was proactive and asked for more Iv fluids today.  We also have me scheduled once a week two weeks in a row for Iv fluids which makes me happy!  The more hydrated I can stay the quicker the toxins get out and I feel back to me!  

Toxins going in my body: 

My dr was pleased with how much the tumor has shrunk and how well I took chemo and my positive attitude. She said she would love me to teach a class :-) maybe that is my calling in life. To teach people to be positive. I fail somedays but usually it's only for moments. I'm human! I just know j never want to go back to that angry girl I was once! Very happy people see my happy positive self now! Makes me smile and feel like I have a purpose in life!

Fast forward to the middle of the night:

 I have insomnia again even though I'm exhausted. My head hurts slightly and I feel achy. It's 5:30am and I'm thirsty so drinking lots of water now trying to stay ahead of the dehydration.  My hair is coming out in bigger handfuls now. Think we are shaving when we wake up to get it over with.  I can't keep having the boys covered in my hair. JB wants to eat it and CB wants to hold it.  Plus it's everywhere. Counters, food I cook, shower, bed... You get my point! When I woke at 2:30 to fed my 3 month old I was gassy and slightly nauseous.  I think the extra Iv fluids are helping push out the toxins earlier than normal which is good an bad. Good because hopefully I'll feel worst today and tomorrow, bad because it effects the boys. Am hoping for a nap later!  Hope hubs can allow that to happen. May go to my moms to make it happen

I go in tuesday for Iv fluids happy about that.  This dehydration is crazy. It's like the worst hangover thirst ever!  

Here's to shaving my head and hoping not to feel too bad this week!

Love Jamie

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Two days before next chemo

Two days before my next chemo treatment. I am nervous. I know what to expect kinda, but still nervous. Nervous for what will come side effects wise the following week. Nervous for needing to shave my head before it all falls out. Nervous that once I do shave that i will think of myself as sick every time i look in the mirror. Nervous for the sad looks I will get. Nervous....

Lots of emotions flowing through at the moment. Positive thoughts really go a long way. I know I will survive this. I am a fighter and we have come  a long way with cancer treatments. I do not think this has spread. I think we are contained. I have plans in place for what I really want during this next year.   One day at a time... in my case in two days, more toxic waste being pumped into my body. My poor body will have to fight to flush it out, at the same time, the chemo is flushing out the cancer cells.

More hair coming out :-( itchiness, and sunburnt feel is annoying. Still holding on to my hair to the moment even if part of it is in my hand

Two days before my next chemo.....

4th and really shedding now

Today is the 4th of July. It is also the day that my hair is shedding badly. I cried in the shower and after. I know I said I'm not that attached to my hair and I don't think it's the hair as much as now I'll look sick. As of this moment I look normal. No one would know that I am sick. Once my hair is gone, they will know.  I will have awkward stares. Today while holding my almost 3 month old I mentioned to him that I was shedding. This sweet girl said, "hormones". Sadly I had to respond with, " no I have cancer and the chemo is making it fall out". The look was so sad. I get it. It's sad I do. I hate this some days. I give those same looks to people. It's odd being on the receiving end.

<sigh> today America celebrates its freedom and I contemplate when I should shave my head.  I'm hoping I can make it to the weekend before I have to do it :-( at least for today I still have it!

At least I got to see one of my besties and her kids before it fell out

And got to celebrate the 4th with my fave guys!

My child's obsession with my hair

My eldest is obsessed with my hair.  Really anyone's hair will do but he loves to pull out hair and use it as floss.  Usually we can ask if he wants floss and he will take that in place of the hair he is trying to pull out.  He also likes to twirl my hair as he sleeps or upon waking. It's sweet.  He pulls my head close to his, I can feel his breath and his warmth. It helps me sleep well too!  Sometimes he gently bites my head to get the hair as a joke. This morning a clump came out :-(. I knew this day was coming. I've been looking for it.  Last night my head was itchy and tingly which is a sign that the hair is about to come out. This morning it became more real.  My hair came out easily and without pain. Just a tug and a handful was in my child's mouth.  I cried. My husband comforted me and my child laughed.  I know he loves me for more than my hair but he's always had my hair to play with. It's one more thing he has to lose because of cancer. That makes me sad. I hate how much this effects him   I hate that he lost his ability to nurse and now has to lose twirling my hair. 

Very soon my husband will be shaving my head. I'm going to try hard not to cry but not sure I will get through it without crying.  My sweet sister is going to shave hers too so I do not have to do it alone! I know it won't be forever and at least with no hair anyone who looks at me will know I'm going through treatment for cancer. Though that also brings those heart breaking "I'm sorry" looks especially when I have the baby in my arms.  No one likes to see someone go through cancer but they really don't like seeing a young mom or a child go through it either. It's sad and heart breaking. This illness takes so much from people and those that love them. I hope my boys look back one day and realize how very sorry I am they had to go through this but also will know their mom is a fighter!  Mom is a fighter that will fight to the end to stay with them.  Hair is just hair. My life with them is way more important.  

Guess we will need to find something else for my eldest to twirl. Sweet toddler! My boys and their love definitely lift my spirits and keep me going!

I am their hero! I love that!