A few rough days

I hit a rough patch. Thankfully my best friend was in town to help out. She came at just the right time!  My tummy hates this chemo. It was completely tore up. I thought I was giving birth again. That is bad!  Finally got it to calm down a little bit. Then fatigue set in.  I felt like I was pregnant again. My body is depleted of nutrients at the moment. So much so that my head is covered in large cysty zits, which for me only come when I am not taking my vitamins. Knowing this, I know that my immune system is on the fritz which is why I feel like I have the flu. I am shaking (no fever I keep checking that like a stalker, seriously, stalking my temp). I am achy all over. I have a runny nose, which has helped me not have nose bleeds (see plus). Oh and my lymph nodes in my neck on the side of the port are swollen. Jax did kick me right in the port Thursday, so not sure if he did something or my body is just doing its job and trying to get rid of the toxins. No fever is good!  I have to call them if it gets 100.4. Basically I am a baby again and have to follow the baby rules of being sick. Should make it easy since I have a newborn. I have a call into my nurse just to check over the symptoms to make sure I do not need to worry. If I do then I go in for fluids tomorrow and they should be able to squeeze me in, I would think.

Sis said she would drive me to fluids tomorrow, so that will be good. I just really feel off. Trying to stay strong. Am tired. Am really really tired. Everyone wants to help which is so nice. Just wish someone could sleep for me. I know I know not possible, but goodness that would be nice!  That or work for me :D hehe.

Today is one of those days, I just do not feel strong. I have broken down and cried multiple times. I just don't feel good, which is hard for me. I am used to not being sick. I am thankful there is no fever, so no infection. I know it is just my body doing it's job. It is fighting the chemo as it is a toxin. Sometimes i worry my immune system is so good, that it will fight the chemo to keep it from working. At least right now I can feel that the tumor is shrinking. I know it is working even if my body is fighting it. My hope is that the chemo is fighting the tumor and my body is fighting to get the toxins out as quickly as possible, but not by affecting the chemo from working. That is my hope anyway.

Me today: 

It is amazing to see all the messages come in through facebook, email and phone!  You guys really help pick me up when I just want to lay down and not get up. I liken this to labor, but labor doesn't last as long and there is this amazing reward at the end. At the end of this, the amazing reward is that cancer will be in remission (I will never be cured, just can make it go away), but the cost is my health and breasts.  Labor you get your body back eventually. With cancer, so much is taken from you.  Today i am weak. I feel the strength of my village around me, but I personally feel weak. I just know I do not want to leave my boys. I keep focusing on that. I hate hate hate hate what this is doing to them. I am so thankful they will have no memories of this time in their lives. But I still hate they are going through this. My sweet Jax who hugs mama every time she cries. Who tries to help with this brother.  So sweet. My sweet friends who are quick to tell me to lay down. My family who checks on my constantly. All of you help keep me going when I am weak!  Thank you!

Today, this moment, I may be weak but i will gain my strength back. I will rest in a bit before I grab the boys and we will take it easy once home. Today I may be weak but with your help tomorrow (or the next day) I will be strong again!

Much love!
Jamie