Am I okay?

I was asked yesterday "Are you really okay or is this all a front/show for us."  

The person didn't mean it in a mean way. It was a valid question. The truth is, I have my moments of "OMG I can't leave my boys" but that is the moment when I also know I am going to be okay, as I AM NOT leaving my boys!  I can't leave them without a Mama, without ME.  So do I cry, YES, I am human. Thankfully I have my husband's strong arms to fall into when I am not able to hold myself together.   Do I have my moments of questioning everything, YES, I am human. I am very happy with the medical team we have put together. They have listened to my wishes, they have told me what they would do in my position. Not just from a drs standpoint but "If this was you/your wife" standpoint.  The care my drs give me is more than I could ask for, yet exactly what I need at this time when everything is so scary and overwhelming.

Cancer is scary, even breast cancer. I understand that most breast cancers are no longer a death sentence. I also understand that mine could very well be. I am choosing to believe it is not. I am choosing to believe that we caught it before the nasty cells could migrate past my breast and axillary lymph nodes. The type I have with the HER2 gene is a beast!  A nasty, sneaky, beast that can reoccur at any moment and not in the original place. It is super aggressive!  It is why we started chemo before surgery. Had we waited for surgery, I would more than likely be starting this journey as stage 4  not stage 3a  Why it is not a huge difference, it is a big difference.  It means i have a chance to go into remission. It means i have more years left with my kids and family before I leave them.   It gives me a chance to breathe and make sure I want to follow the rest of the treatment plan, and decide things like reconstruction or not and double Mastectomy or not. And the answer is yes we are doing a double, every single doctor I have spoken with (and its been a few) have said double is needed with my diagnosis.  As for reconstruction, my breasts have given me free drinks, fed my babies and given cancer a place to grow. I think we are going out Thelma and Louise style, with a bang and not looking back. I want to design a pretty tattoo in their place!  I know its not what "normal" women think should be done but I am not vain, my breasts do not define me just like my hair doesn't define me. I am me inside and I will still be me even if my appearance changes.

Does it suck to look in the mirror and not see the normal version of you?  YES, again I am human. But I will say each time I look in the mirror it seems more natural. I no longer see a sick person. I now see a beautiful warrior with the same smile that has always been there. I see a woman who is fighting to stay alive for her family.  I see a spirit who lives not just for herself but for others.   I see ME!  A huge part of me being able to see me, is YOU!  All of you!  All of your sweet messages, comments, texts etc.  You make me believe I am strong, beautiful and will win this fight! My sweet boys make me believe it too. Jax says "Mama pretty" all the time!   He makes me see the beauty through a 2 year olds eyes and that is amazing!  My 3 month old smiles everytime he sees me. A whole body smile that lights up a room. That is also amazing!

So am I okay, YES, most definitely I am okay. I am okay that I have cancer. I am okay that I have to fight. I am okay with the treatment plan so far. I am okay that the tumor is shrinking. I am okay with cutting my hair. I am okay with the fact Thelma and Louise will have to go bye bye. I am at peace and okay with the entire situation.  I am okay!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis