Memories

I looked at pics this morning from right after my sweet baby was born. I looked at a version of myself that was so very happy, tired, and breastfeeding. I cried and cried. Cancer has stolen so much from me. It is sad. Even sadder, when I hear a friend tell me her breast cancer diagnosis, which is so very similar to mine that she will be doing the same course of treatment more than likely. That makes me super super sad. No one should ever have to go through this. All i can do is be there for her, but that is even hard since I am so far away.

I didn't realize how very raw all of this is still. I know I am "in remission" but the pictures brought it all back to me. The tears in my eyes thinking i wouldn't be around to watch my kids grow. The sadness, at seeing my hair falling out every time I touched my hair. The pushing through the pain of surgery for my port, so that i could nurse my newborn and his brother. oh the sadness!

What I am realizing, is that I am really, really, stronger than I ever imagined i could be, stronger, than I ever wanted to be, but I am strong. I may cry, but that is not a weakness, it is a way to show my strength in a tender light. I never want my memories to stop me from tearing up, because then it will mean that I have portioned a part of myself off to not feeling how I felt then. I think those feelings are important to my story. It is important for others to see the tears, to know that it was not an easy journey, but that even the hard journey's have a happy ending.

Make memories, Treasure the memories! 100 years ago, before videos and photography were main stream, it was the memories people lived with. Maybe the fading of memories is natures way of helping us heal and move on, but I would rather heal while remembering. I want my kids to look back and see how very hard mama fought to stay with them, and all of the amazing memories we made even though I was sick.

Love
~Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #makememories