I arrived went to the lab section then to infusion. Lots of waiting around for orders, then Iv fluids, Benadryl and pepsid, then the fun stuff, they literally come with bags that have bright orange labels with a skull and "toxic" written on them. Talk about surreal... Shit got real! The nurses put on special gowns and gloves before ever touching the bags. Shits real! I luckily was able to pump one last night before all the crap got into my body so baby was able to have one last fresh bottle before having to live off frozen milk.
By the time the chemo hits you, the other drugs have made you loopy. So I was basically drunk/high and wanting to talk to everyone. At least that way you don't care that toxic waste is going into your veins. It's crazy! B stayed with me all day, only leaving for some food. The day honestly is a blur. I colored a lot. It was a long day 8-6 but I was so happy to see my kids, then so sad I couldn't nurse them.
After my shower I put in large bandaids over my nipples, so the tot couldn't get to them and I wouldn't try to nurse the baby in the middle of the night. This went on for 4 nights. I was so engorged and in pain. My body ached to be nursed and my heart broke when my toddler begged to nurse "me nurse mama please, please mama me nurse, mama me please nurse mama please...." Over and over. Both of us in tears! Not pretty at all. The 2 month old adjusted to bottle life and going back and forth between formula and breast milk well! His tummy doesn't like us so much. He's very gassy but he's drinking like a champ!
There are days like today when the baby cried as he rooted around for his boob. And I could feel a letdown. That made me cry! I know starting chemo was the right choice, both my husband and I feel the tumor has already shrunk but goodness do I feel guilty about putting my poor kids through this. What I do know is I am going to be here to watch them grow into young men and those young men will be able to be told the story of how mama survived! She fought hard to watch them grow up. She may have been tired, had poopy side effects and no hair, but she fought and won! I want to be there for them and for that I would do anything I had to in order to make that happen!
I had lab work drawn and Iv fluids yesterday that made me feel much better
2 more weeks until next treatment. Until then I'll believe this tumor is shrinking and pick out some cool wigs to sport!
Xoxo
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis
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