Since May 4th my life has been in chaos, I have no idea if I am coming or going most days. I have implemented some really life changing changes. Some that I never thought I would. Funny, when you see yourself through someone elses eyes and realize something you love, is not so good for you. I am on day 10 of those changes. It has been hard, but not as hard as I ever thought it would be. I am stubborn, which is sometimes not so good, but in this case, it is good. It keeps me focused on my end goal of being a better person. A person who does not rely on other things/people to keep her happy or to help her function. A fog has been lifted and I see clearly now. (I feel like breaking into song.. "I see clearly now, the rain is gone") BWHAHAHA. I love me and my quirky personality. I love it when others tell me the love it too. I know it takes a lot to appreciate me. I like to think it is my way of weeding out those who give up easily. Some days I really do feel there is no one out there for me. I know B loves me.. but we are a long ways from being in love. We are friends exploring if we want to move forward. I keep waiting on him to be back to Mr. Playful. He has been so busy, and usually I am the busy one. Well I have been but I still make time for him and my friends. I know how to balance it all (or most days do). I keep waiting for his ah-ha moment, I just wonder if anyone will have that ah-ha moment with me and just know, without hesitation that I am the one for them. Probably not, as I always put up walls. I cannot bare the thought of having my heart broken again. This time I am not putting up walls, I have jumped feet first, but he has not. He had, then jumped back out. Story of my life.
Today I am a hot mess, I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment, I physically do not feel well. Needing the feeling to pass before Friday. Lots to do and not much time left. Getting super nervous about being gone for that long. Hoping things will calm down on all fronts in my life. These waves keep crashing into me. I keep wondering if I will learn to surf/swim or drown.. hoping the first choice. I like swimming and surfing, but am getting super tired. Ready for some of my chaotic-ness to well be less chaotic.. though that would make my life a little less boring, but I am ready for boring. I am ready for a breather. One day at a time.. lol wish I could keep that in the forefront of my mind. Sink or swim baby.. sink or swim.. I think I will swim for now :D
No comments:
Post a Comment