I make a lot of wrong choices. I do not mean too, they just happen. I chose one way to work and that is packed, I choose another and it is even worse. I always think I am getting a faster line at the grocery store and EVERY TIME even if it is shorter, it ends up being longer. My love life, buying a house, every choice I make seems to not be the smartest choice I could have made. (side note I started this blog post on a Thurs, it is now Friday and wow at what has happened).
So, I make a lot of wrong choices. I always have. If you tell me I cannot do something, I will do it to spite you. I am stubborn and smart a deadly combination. I have a quick temper that leads me to irrational choices. Luckily I have learned to control this somewhat. (I did say somewhat) I have learned to control my high maintenance qualities to only look high maintenance (most days). So I understand that I have made a lot of irrational choices, choices because I was selfish, choices because I was defying someone, choices because I wanted to keep someone, lots and lots of choices. They are mine, I own them. Whatever the reason I still chose them. They are why I am who I am today. Love me or leave me, I am me and I am me through those many many choices. Each choice, lead me down a path to even more choices. If you give me a boy based on a resume alone, I will pick the one that is right for me. The one that will be an amazing partner. If you give me a boy based on looks alone, one is preppy clean cut, very "good boy looking" and one that is clean cut but has a tattoo showing slightly, I would choose the tattoo boy. Give me the same almost bad boy next to someone who looks bad, tattoos everywhere, doesn't give a F@CK.. I will chose him every time. Now the rational me knows that is the wrong choice, but on gut reaction only I will chose that guy. Now if you give me the resume and the look, then the middle boy is who I would chose. Why? Well I am sure it is because i am not a "good girl" I am a girl who has a wild side. I like my wild side, and bad boys bring that out. The rational me knows I need someone in the middle like me, but the irrational me loves a good thrill.
So that leads me to my recent life. I have been in a good place (except for this week with the visit of Aunt Flo.. she messes with my head something fierce). I never want to go back to that dark place I was in. I was not fun and it was not fun. I like the light. I like being happy and feeling happy. So lately I have had a few friends that I may have hurt their feelings a bit (and I am sorry) but who really are insistent that I need a man in my life. That they cannot imagine me without someone... while I cannot imagine me with someone. I have never been one that imagines myself with someone or with kids. If I imagine things they do not happen, so i try not to get excited until it happens. I am one who is a realist, I know what could happen and could not, so I just live day to day. There have been very few men that I can say I could imagine myself old with. I can count the number on one hand and not even use all of that hand.
This morning I heard from two of those men (ironic huh?). I wake up this morning to a very very sweet voicemail from J (my first kiss), telling me he missed my voice and all sorts of sweet stuff. However, he had been drinking and well as sweet as it was, I really wish he could talk to me like that sober. But still sweet. But I know it was the alcohol talking. Made my morning.....
then my world got rocked. I see a message pop up on my phone from FB from a message from B, then aftet my response I received a phone call immediately. Oh my sweet 50 shades of effed up B. (like how I threw a 50 Shades reference in there.. totally true). I broke his heart, I broke my heart, I wasn't ready for him back then. He wasn't ready for me. We were not ready for us. It has been at least 7 years since he dropped out of my life if not longer and bam, back in and all of those feelings rush back. The way he loved me for me and all my shades of effed up. The way I feel when I see his face, I can feel him near me when I close my eyes. Conversations like we never stopped talking. He's still my best friend after all these years. The one that I want to call on a good or bad day. The one that comes to mind weekly and some weeks daily. The man I have been looking for years for. The man i see having children with, the man i see myself growing old with. The man of my dreams. I have always felt safe with him and can never resist that grin of his. So maybe that choice was not so bad :) and after a day of talking back and forth at least I know the love was returned and is still felt. Now I know what I am doing for my birthday and could not be more thrilled.
YAY for wrong choices, sometimes they lead you the exact path you should be on. Embrace the wrong and the right, for the wrong ones may lead you to something pretty amazing... at least I still hope they do!
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