Hi everyone! So far this week has been pretty rough! Poopiness along with battling nausea (meds are barely touching it), nosebleeds that make my bed look like I was attacked, low blood pressure, lack of sleep, swollen glands and general just not feeling like me has been the new norm. Last night I finally got some sleep! I feel like a different person at the moment. Hoping it lasts through the day!
Last night around 3 am when little bit woke up, I hugged him and cried. I just want to see him graduate from high school.. maybe even college but at least high school. Get married if he wants. I feel so crappy some days I wonder if that will happen. Not a fun feeling. Not fun at all not knowing if you will see your kids grow up. To be frank, it really sucks! I try not to think about that but it happens, the thoughts creep up. People say they know how I feel or they understand. They don't. I know they think they do, and some have a good idea, as they have gone through something similar but all of it, the feeling like poop, the thoughts of not seeing your kids grow, it all accumulates and sometimes takes over, like a dark cloud smothering the sun. I keep looking for the sun, and keep my eye on that shimmer of light that always comes through.
When people say they understand I try to say, "thanks", it is getting harder and harder. It is getting harder to push away the thoughts I want to say to the people who push their beliefs on me. I am at a point that I just can't deal with it. I try so hard to respect people, their beliefs, their privacy, that is it is really hard when i do not get the same in return, especially now. I also appreciate everyone trying to help but taking my kids away, isn't helping. I like them.... a lot, they are the ONLY reason, I am pushing through the way I am. No way I would be upright without them. Come play with them, but don't take them. I worry about them, I don't sleep when they are gone and in a different place than they are used too. I worry, I know it's crazy to some, but I do. I really love my kids. I really love their personalities and even the sleepless nights. Before long they won't need me or I won't be here. Until then, I want every moment I can get with them. Even if that sounds crazy to you.
Last night around 3 am when little bit woke up, I hugged him and cried. I just want to see him graduate from high school.. maybe even college but at least high school. Get married if he wants. I feel so crappy some days I wonder if that will happen. Not a fun feeling. Not fun at all not knowing if you will see your kids grow up. To be frank, it really sucks! I try not to think about that but it happens, the thoughts creep up. People say they know how I feel or they understand. They don't. I know they think they do, and some have a good idea, as they have gone through something similar but all of it, the feeling like poop, the thoughts of not seeing your kids grow, it all accumulates and sometimes takes over, like a dark cloud smothering the sun. I keep looking for the sun, and keep my eye on that shimmer of light that always comes through.
When people say they understand I try to say, "thanks", it is getting harder and harder. It is getting harder to push away the thoughts I want to say to the people who push their beliefs on me. I am at a point that I just can't deal with it. I try so hard to respect people, their beliefs, their privacy, that is it is really hard when i do not get the same in return, especially now. I also appreciate everyone trying to help but taking my kids away, isn't helping. I like them.... a lot, they are the ONLY reason, I am pushing through the way I am. No way I would be upright without them. Come play with them, but don't take them. I worry about them, I don't sleep when they are gone and in a different place than they are used too. I worry, I know it's crazy to some, but I do. I really love my kids. I really love their personalities and even the sleepless nights. Before long they won't need me or I won't be here. Until then, I want every moment I can get with them. Even if that sounds crazy to you.
I'm sorry if I haven't responded to calls or texts. Laying pretty low at the moment, resting and unplugging when I can! I do appreciate them all though! This week has hit me really hard. I did not expect to feel bad until at least this weekend, so feeling bad now really threw me for a loop, so seeing the messages really helps!
Please keep the positive thoughts coming my way that these symptoms pass quickly and that I can keep looking for that light (not the light to go into but the sunshine light)! Feeling like a constant hangover drains you for sure! Though I am loving all the snuggle time I am getting in with the boys! They sure do know how to make this mama feel special and loved!
Thank you for everything! I appreciate you guys! Hope you have an amazing day!
Love Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis
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