Day 75

"Nothing kills happiness more quickly than old hurts, resentments, and grudges. Do not spend your valuable time stuck in the past. Realize that you are being affected way more than anyone else. Get rid of your old baggage by wrapping all of that pain in a huge ball of love (yeah yeah go ahead and laugh but you can envision that.. I know you can), then move on with clarity and grace."

This speaks volumes to me. It is hard to let go, and not relive those hurts or past decisions What if's?

Recently my ex has finally admitted after being caught in one to many lies that he is seeing his ex girlfriend. The one he called ugly, fat, a horrible person. Said "she didn't look like THAT, when we dated" The one that broke his heart and screwed him up about how relationships should be. It was funny, as I think he thought I was going to be mad. But instead relief hit me and I smiled. I always had a feeling that things were not done with them. Not so much on his side, but hers. The way she tensed when I was in the same room with her. They way she never could look me in the eyes. The constant texts to meet up. The list goes on. So when he said "yeah I am seeing her, apparently you have not moved on." All I could think is " I am not crazy.. I did not imagine things, it was there". That was a GREAT feeling! I was not crazy I was RIGHT! RIGHT! Awesome.. so i laughed. Then laughed more when I realized he didn't know that, I started dating 3 weeks after we broke up. I gave myself 3 weeks to mourn the 3 years we were together. Since then I have been dating anyone who I think deserves a date. But I have kept this from him due to not wanting to upset him (he gets a little irrational when upset and who knows what will set him off) So to keep from arguing I just have kept this a secret. So I laughed and laughed. He did not see what was so humorous. I said, I can tell you now, I have been dating, just didn't want to hurt you though your " I made a mistake, I miss you" speeches. I wanted to spare you. But now I can tell you that and be okay with it as I was right.. shocker he hung up :) As I kept smiling and laughing I am sure the people in the car next to me thought I was crazy. But I felt so free and so happy. I wish him the best. I wish them both the best. If they can be happy together, since they both are miserable alone, than YAY for them. Kudos!

I have learned a lot in the past few years and the one thing is you cannot look back. You must let go and to let go you must forgive. I wrap them in a huge ball of love and release them. I smile as I wrote this. (crazy I know) if you had asked me a year ago if i would be like "sure i wish you the best" I would tell you CRAZY! But today.. it feels good. It feels good to know he has no hold on me. That I had already released him and moved forward way before he realized I did. That news that would make most people curl into a ball, makes me smile. Smile because I am a better person for that relationship. Smile because I kept the lessons I needed too and released all the rest. LIfe may not be all roses, but it sure is never dull. Enjoy life, the good the bad and the ugly. Sometimes beautiful things come from ugly messes, you just have to be willing to work through it and be willing to let go and move up to bigger and better things!