Day 54

I started this post a few days ago, so my thoughts are VERY random.. Have fun reading hehehe

Mary Poppins:
I was told my past two posts were depressing. Sorry :( Didn't mean for them to be. So much is going on and though I do not want to be Debbie downer I cannot always be Mary Poppin sunshine either. I do my best each day. Some days are easier than others. So many friends are in such turmoil. It takes extra work just to stay smiling and to help others through their funk, without letting them pull me into a funk.

Jet Skiing down the Satilla:
I had an amazing Saturday. I went on a 170ish mile jet ski ride down the Satilla river with a very dear friend D. We went with a jet ski club. We stopped at Cumberland Island and saw the Dungeness Ruins. OMG soo freaking cool. The house was amazing. So sad it burned down. We had a blast, saw dolphins swimming, wild horses, jet ski's stuck and lots of wind. It was an amazing day and I cannot wait to load pics. Here is one:



Crazy Love Life:
And today has been a very interesting day.
I have been texting back and forth with CJ (old love from PC) I never feel like we have ever been apart. We love the same things, we love each other. It is just that damn 5 hour distance between us. I would spend every day with him if I could. I wish I had the cash flow to drive over there every weekend or at least be able to switch off. He is always willing to drive to me but I feel bad. But I certainly have all of those feelings rush back when we chat. It has been almost a month of us going back and forth. He has known me since we were 19ish.. We have watched each other grow up, and we have never grown too far apart. Feels like we have led parallell lives. I wonder if they will ever finally collide? I would love our life if they did. Just thinking of him makes me smile. We have so much history and been through a lot, but we never every officially broke up any of the times we dated. We just got distracted due to our distance and immaturity. Awe CJ..

Then I have CK.. who I never can get a good grasp on what is going through his head. He flirts, he texts, and is in contact.. we are friends.. only friends. Friends who think the other is extremely hot.. but friends none the less.

Really those are the only two worth writing about. Do not worry there are a few more in the works but are not write worthy.


Now on to today. Today is a lazy day. Today is the day where I clean a little and do not much of anything else. YAY for today!

Day 53

Today is rough. I feel a little depressed. I am sad my friends are gone, sad I am at work. I would love to be on the beach or playing with kids. Heck i would rather be cleaning my house than working today. However, I am thankful I have a job and that my co-workers covered for me while I was out and well for being alive!

I miss my crazy friends. They remind me of who I was. I was fun, crazy, always the life of the party. I miss that Jamie some days. I thought others loved me. But they loved having me around because I did the crazy stuff (sort of love). I thought I was cool, but i was not. I thought that i was having a great time, though i could not remember the time nor enjoyed the next day. I thought alcohol made everything better, but it just numbed me. I am happy to be the person I am today. I am fun without the alcohol, I remember things, i do not dance on tables or kiss random girls or guys, i do not put myself in not so great situations that could get me seriously injured or set up for a huge mistake. I am control of me and my actions. I can see clearly and have fun. So why am i grieving that party girl I once was? Maybe because she was so care free, now I am the one worried about everything. Worried about what my consequences my actions will have, I tired soo hard for so long to not grow up, and finally I did, without even realizing it and that makes me a little sad. It should not, but it does. Maybe if I had everything that goes with a "grown up" life,then I would not feel this way. I still feel 22, but I am not. I am far from it. At least now i am acting more my real age.. So that is a plus right?

Day 52

This weekend has been a fun but very long weekend. It is true that to know who you are, you just need to look at who knew you when. And my friends from 6th grade on did that. This weekend was full of laughs and tears. Jokes and thoughts. My head is spinning with what I could have been and making me thankful for who I am. It was fun to hang out with old friends, who love you for you and nothing more. I learned an ex boyfriend from Middle school JM (who my parents hated) died by drowning trying to save his girlfriends son from drowning. This boy who when i knew him was rough around the edges, such a redneck but so sweet. He was always so sweet He had sweet eyes and a sweet soul. It drew me in. That sweetness always draws me in. R came to visit. Had not seen him since high school. Great friend.. always was. He told lots of stories on me that made me laugh and remember lots about who I was.. and who I still am. He mentioned MB who was basically my boyfriend through middle school with LOTS of break ups. He was a bad boy.. who was sweet.. He skipped school, smoked cigarettes, drank and kissed me a lot in the hall ways... A LOT. So R reminds me of how i was MB's girl and he was right I was. Everyone knew that. We were right up until the point where he had his sister break up with me on my families answering machine.. yep then I moved on to JM. So sweet but going no where.. then it all clicked. That is my issue. I always go for the loser, the boy who is sweet but troubled, who I can help fix and lift up. But a funny thing happened. As were were on one of our many trips to the beach. Mr. Beautiful aka SB aka CK and R were sitting next to each other. Both my friends. Both good boys and I adore them. And if you have read my pasts blogs then you know SB and I have a major attraction to each other. But regardless R represents what I am typically attracted too. Now R.. is sexy but in that bad boy, I have lots of tattoos, I smoke too many cigs, always looking for the next pay check or party, always have a beer in my hand.. where my hat side ways because I think it makes me look cool in a "I don't care" sort of way look. He has a deep southern voice which puts me at ease and just loves me for me.. as he always has. Thinks I am sexy but would never cross that line.Then I had SB who is sexy in a "I am grown up", I take care of myself, my kids, I am responsible, but remember when I was not, I work out too keep my figure (and care that I keep it) and am funny just in case you do not think I am sexy kind of sexy. Both boys are funny and good looking. Both are unavailable to me dating wise.. but sitting there , I chose SB who is the smarter choice. I found myself looking at him and thinking about what it would be like to date him. Not R.. am I finally growing up? I feel like I am. I think if it were a "you must choose one over the other" SB is the right choice. I definitely would never be bored.

Ok back to my weekend of ROB BASH 2011. My friends partied until 5am each night this weekend. I stayed sober and drove people around. I had fun and got lots of laughs. I did realize I never want to be that girl (again) who is dancing to random booty music or messing with girls boobs because I am so drunk I cannot control what I am doing because I think I am cool because people are laughing at me (not with me, but I am too drunk to care) girl. Because WOW were there some characters out there. I realized I am damn sexy and kept getting told so. Even one of Goobers friends hit on me. Funny since this guy is known for dating his friends exes.. The last one he dated for 6 years. The night must have hit Goober hard. He hung out with my friends most of Friday night and I think it took a toll on him. Good news I guess, is he still loves me, bad news.. he has done nothing to communicate this properly and still cannot support himself, so no action to be taken. So not sure what I am supposed to do. I cannot go back. There is no incentive for me to go back. I do not want that lifestyle on a regular basis. I like my quiet life. I mean, I loved going out and dancing. I did not love herding cats. I loved laughing with my friends, I did not love my car being trashed. I loved hanging out all night, I did not love not getting a full nights rest. I loved watching everyone have such a great time and I loved hosting. Everyone are such amazing people. We all turned out well. We all love each other even despite each of our minor annoying traits we all possess. It is nice being able to just be yourself and still be loved years later. Who says adults cannot have spring breaks? We have proved for two years we can! Some party harder than others, but it is all in good fun. Everyone had fun, no one went to jail, I say this years ROB BASH 2011 was a success!

Day 51

I feel amazing. I keep being told I am an inspiration to others. That is an absolutely amazing feeling. I have worked hard. I have lost 43 lbs to date. I started a year ago (July 2010. I stopped drinking, i started working out, and i cut calories. I did it the right way. I did not cut corners, or take meds. I used me and my body to get the fat that had accumulated on me off.
Was it easy? NO, not at all.
Did it feel good? not while I thought I was going to die.. after yes sure. I love the sore feeling. I love the feeling that I did work. I love the feeling of fat melting off. Funny to say "fat melting off" but that is how i see it. The more my muscles burn, the more I can feel the fat going bye bye.
I have pushed myself through what I thought were my physical limits. I pushed through the feeling that my heart was going to pop out of my chest, or that my lungs were going to explode (or implode), pushed through the feeling that i wanted to die just so i could catch my breath.
Do I always win my internal battle? No, not at all. I am my own worst enemy. Some days when I am running, my brain says, " you should stop" When I know my lungs and body can handle more. I have to literally say "Keep going, you can do it, you feel fine" I have to be my own coach. I do not have anyone else to push me forward. Over 40 lbs later, I know I can push forward and I know that others can also. I am happy to help others stay motivated to push forward. it takes work and dedication, but what in life is easy? From my experience the best things and the ones you work you a$$ off to obtain. I work through the haters, the de-motivators, the food pushers all to be the girl I know I can be.
it is a good feeling. I have overcome a lot in the past year. I have learned I do not need a man, I have learned what my body needs to survive and that it really does not need the over indulgence of crappy food (even if it tastes good) and that my body really does love a good work out.

Need inspiration? Email me. I am more than willing to help!

Live strong and live life to the fullest!

Day 50

You know when you just get a feeling, someone is not telling you the whole truth or lying completely? I have been getting that feeling a lot, from several people. I feel paranoid. I have no proof, i cannot call them out. Even though several things are pointing to what I believe. I just have to grin and bear it. I am not good at grinning and bearing it. I am not good at faking it. I know i should. I know people do not want to hear the truth. I like the truth. That way you know where you stand. No guessing, no wondering. Just the truth. "I like you but I do not want to date you" "You are really annoying me right now" "You are a fabulous person" " you make me smile" "you are a funny good hearted person" The truth doesn't have to be bad. Tell people when you think they are great.

I had to remind myself not to let others affect my mood. That is a hard. Your instincts tell you to react. To defend. I am not a retreated. I am a fighter. I work hard at letting go and just standing ground. There is a fine line. Some days I win the fight with myself and some days I lose.

I am at the year mark of my living a healthy lifestyle. WOW a year. seems like it is a million years. I look at pictures and my face is so fat. Now I am lean. I feel good. I have energy. I have will power. I know I can push myself to be better and succeed. I am a motivator and mentor and inspiration. I can do it, anyone can. You just have to be willing to work for it. To want it. To push yourself. Everyday I work out. Every day I count calories and struggle with "French fries or fruit?"

Push yourself. Never settle! You are stronger than you realize!

Day 49

Every time I go back home, I remember all of the things I loved. All that I no longer have. All that I could have had. I never would have known there was an entire other world out there. I would have been content. But that was not the path I chose. I chose the more difficult path, the unknown path, the path that pushed me to the limits and gave me experiences i never would have known otherwise. I have laughed, cried, loved and hated. I have known loneliness and the warmth of being surrounded by friends. I have learned to live on my own and not fall back on family. I have learned to rely on friends. I have learned that friends are the family you choose along your life's path. I have some amazing people in my life. Some who love me no matter what my faults. It has been an amazing journey. Sometimes i feel too complacent where I am now. My instinct tells me to run, move and have more experiences, meet new people. I love who i am. I do not love being stuck in a rut. Parents are so important to mold who you could become. Mine molded me and let me go. They let me flourish and fail. Without failing one cannot succeed. I am grateful to have such amazing parents who loved me enough to let me be my own person. Who didn't hold on tight but let go and let me ride that bike with no training wheels (which resulted in a broken arm) but it was my decision and my choice and my consequences. ALL MINE! I would not trade a day of this crazy life. It is mine! It is how i have become who i am today and I like me :)

Day 48

Wow so much has happened since my birthday. First my birthday celebration was fabulous. Even though I did not want to do much, my friends of course made sure I did and had a great time ta-boot! I am doing a beach photo shoot in a few weeks. I am super excited.

I have gotten so in shape and it feels amazing! I know there are haters out there, but that is ok. I have worked my A$$ off to get back down to this weight and I am super proud of me. I have shown so much restraint and determination. Plus the no drinking has made me realize I was completely a binge drinker. I may not drink everyday, though some weeks I did.. but regardless i could never have just one. I liked getting trashed (I know I am not supposed to admit that) but it is fun to hang out with your friends and drink and laugh and get stupid. And oh did we get stupid. Stupid choices, stupid sayings, stupidness. Maybe that is what is wrong with today's youth. They are always looking for the next party. The next fun thing to do. But I digress, back to me :)

So finally I get to see where things may go with DW. He is funny, geeking, cute and most importantly we have had this ongoing crush/flirting thing for 4 years. So the other night I choose him over CK. I know unheard of, because CK is oh so yummy. But i thought why not. We had so much fun as always, until he tried to sleep with me, I said no and of course the next day he is "too hungover to go to lunch" Whateves. he can only express his feeling when he has had a few to drink. I need someone who is confident and happy with himself.. which leads me to the next story (sorry this is so long)

So that next day I spend with CK (shocker I know) but he makes me feel sexy and wanted. Plus the sexual tension just gets thicker and thicker and he is super hot. Still no kissing or anything like that. it is comfy, we hang out, we laugh, we shower, we nap, we talk, we play scrabble, we watch tv, we argue over not arguing (LOL, tis true.. he literally argued over me not being mad when he thought i was.. quite a fun convo), i help him shave his head, we just are us. We are sober, and us. We are smart asses and say the funniest crap but most importantly we are us. He loves himself, I love myself. We are good for each other. I can only hope that this mounting frustration will lead to a fabulous time one day in bed that will not be just sleeping :) Until that day comes, i will enjoy our friendship and the sexual tension it brings. 20 years crushing on someone is a great love story, if that love story ends well. If not it will still be one for the books, one that i can look back on and remember the feeling I feel when he looks at me, or talks to me or is even near me. I will always remember that beautiful sexy feeling i have. I can only hope that the person I marry makes me feel EXACTLY like that everyday of my life.

And now time to go to work :) YAY

Have a fabulous day ya'll!