Day 53

Today is rough. I feel a little depressed. I am sad my friends are gone, sad I am at work. I would love to be on the beach or playing with kids. Heck i would rather be cleaning my house than working today. However, I am thankful I have a job and that my co-workers covered for me while I was out and well for being alive!

I miss my crazy friends. They remind me of who I was. I was fun, crazy, always the life of the party. I miss that Jamie some days. I thought others loved me. But they loved having me around because I did the crazy stuff (sort of love). I thought I was cool, but i was not. I thought that i was having a great time, though i could not remember the time nor enjoyed the next day. I thought alcohol made everything better, but it just numbed me. I am happy to be the person I am today. I am fun without the alcohol, I remember things, i do not dance on tables or kiss random girls or guys, i do not put myself in not so great situations that could get me seriously injured or set up for a huge mistake. I am control of me and my actions. I can see clearly and have fun. So why am i grieving that party girl I once was? Maybe because she was so care free, now I am the one worried about everything. Worried about what my consequences my actions will have, I tired soo hard for so long to not grow up, and finally I did, without even realizing it and that makes me a little sad. It should not, but it does. Maybe if I had everything that goes with a "grown up" life,then I would not feel this way. I still feel 22, but I am not. I am far from it. At least now i am acting more my real age.. So that is a plus right?