I looked at pics this morning from right after my sweet baby was born. I looked at a version of myself that was so very happy, tired, and breastfeeding. I cried and cried. Cancer has stolen so much from me. It is sad. Even sadder, when I hear a friend tell me her breast cancer diagnosis, which is so very similar to mine that she will be doing the same course of treatment more than likely. That makes me super super sad. No one should ever have to go through this. All i can do is be there for her, but that is even hard since I am so far away.
I didn't realize how very raw all of this is still. I know I am "in remission" but the pictures brought it all back to me. The tears in my eyes thinking i wouldn't be around to watch my kids grow. The sadness, at seeing my hair falling out every time I touched my hair. The pushing through the pain of surgery for my port, so that i could nurse my newborn and his brother. oh the sadness!
What I am realizing, is that I am really, really, stronger than I ever imagined i could be, stronger, than I ever wanted to be, but I am strong. I may cry, but that is not a weakness, it is a way to show my strength in a tender light. I never want my memories to stop me from tearing up, because then it will mean that I have portioned a part of myself off to not feeling how I felt then. I think those feelings are important to my story. It is important for others to see the tears, to know that it was not an easy journey, but that even the hard journey's have a happy ending.
Make memories, Treasure the memories! 100 years ago, before videos and photography were main stream, it was the memories people lived with. Maybe the fading of memories is natures way of helping us heal and move on, but I would rather heal while remembering. I want my kids to look back and see how very hard mama fought to stay with them, and all of the amazing memories we made even though I was sick.
Love
~Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #makememories
Follow this blog with bloglovin
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Friday, February 17, 2017
Been awhile
HI All
I am so sorry this has been awhile since I have posted. The Blogger app still is not fixed and it is hard for me to find time to blog without it. May have to switch to another website :(
My surgery was 1/5/17 and I have pretty much healed. I still have some tightness and soreness from nerves that were messed with and tendons not wanting to stretch properly. I am currently back working full time and have managed to sneak in a work out almost every day, sometimes twice a day.
I go back next week for Herceptin, but good news is my body has thrown itself into menopause, so I will not have to take drugs to make that happen! Thankfully the only real side effect that bothers me is the exhaustion. I can handle that for sure!
I am getting used to the new me, and being flat and fabulous. Sometimes I feel like I am looking in the mirror at a teenage boy and others I own my body. My sweet husband has been really amazing through all of this and making sure I realize he still loves me and is attracted to me. I know it can't be easy for him either but he says it is. He loves me no matter what. That definitely helps make this easier! So many husbands leave their wives, so I am thankful he is making an extra effort to make me feel special at a time when i need it the most.
I go back to surgeon on 3/1 to look at scars once more to make sure they have healed the way he would like and they seem to be doing fabulous!
It is odd that i feel like the boobies are still there. When the kids rub or I hit my chest, it feels as if the point of contact is larger than it is, ie i feel like there are still boobies but sadly there are not.
I have gotten used to figuring out which shirts will look best on me and have started whiddling down my current wardrobe and will continue to do so until I only have things that make me look and feel nice. I am loving the soft tank tops with no shelf bra. Sadly I have tons of nursing tanks and shelf bra tanks that i will have to give away :( very sad because some are basically brand new.
I see pics of myself with no hair and it feels like a lifetime ago, even though it was just a few months. That gives me hope that eventually this will all be a very distant memory.
Sadly enough one of my friends was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Still waiting on pathology, but goodness did i cry. I know she will be fine, they caught it early, but goodness the thought of someone else going through this is just... too.. much... we need a cure and we need one yesterday. Too many people are being diagnosed daily. I am so thankful for how far we have come and how this is no longer a death sentence but goodness it is scary and just crappy the treatments we have to go through. But soon this will be a distant memory for her too.
I hope you all have a great weekend!
Love
Jamie
#wegotthis
#fightinglikeagirl
I am so sorry this has been awhile since I have posted. The Blogger app still is not fixed and it is hard for me to find time to blog without it. May have to switch to another website :(
My surgery was 1/5/17 and I have pretty much healed. I still have some tightness and soreness from nerves that were messed with and tendons not wanting to stretch properly. I am currently back working full time and have managed to sneak in a work out almost every day, sometimes twice a day.
I go back next week for Herceptin, but good news is my body has thrown itself into menopause, so I will not have to take drugs to make that happen! Thankfully the only real side effect that bothers me is the exhaustion. I can handle that for sure!
I am getting used to the new me, and being flat and fabulous. Sometimes I feel like I am looking in the mirror at a teenage boy and others I own my body. My sweet husband has been really amazing through all of this and making sure I realize he still loves me and is attracted to me. I know it can't be easy for him either but he says it is. He loves me no matter what. That definitely helps make this easier! So many husbands leave their wives, so I am thankful he is making an extra effort to make me feel special at a time when i need it the most.
I go back to surgeon on 3/1 to look at scars once more to make sure they have healed the way he would like and they seem to be doing fabulous!
It is odd that i feel like the boobies are still there. When the kids rub or I hit my chest, it feels as if the point of contact is larger than it is, ie i feel like there are still boobies but sadly there are not.
I have gotten used to figuring out which shirts will look best on me and have started whiddling down my current wardrobe and will continue to do so until I only have things that make me look and feel nice. I am loving the soft tank tops with no shelf bra. Sadly I have tons of nursing tanks and shelf bra tanks that i will have to give away :( very sad because some are basically brand new.
I see pics of myself with no hair and it feels like a lifetime ago, even though it was just a few months. That gives me hope that eventually this will all be a very distant memory.
Sadly enough one of my friends was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Still waiting on pathology, but goodness did i cry. I know she will be fine, they caught it early, but goodness the thought of someone else going through this is just... too.. much... we need a cure and we need one yesterday. Too many people are being diagnosed daily. I am so thankful for how far we have come and how this is no longer a death sentence but goodness it is scary and just crappy the treatments we have to go through. But soon this will be a distant memory for her too.
I hope you all have a great weekend!
Love
Jamie
#wegotthis
#fightinglikeagirl
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
A double mastectomy kinda hurts
Oh I'm sure you realize a double mastectomy hurts. It's not so much the "biigggg booboo" as my son says, but this annoying I got beaten up sore with a little numbness and a little over sensitive areas that really don't feel good when the baby pinches them with his little pinchers ( those things HURT).
I'm two weeks out (when i started this post I am not 2 and a half weeks out) and it still pains me to hold the baby. I'm exhausted easily. mentally I'm way better. starting to be comfy in my own skin. I cleaned out my bathing suit and lingerie drawers. that helped me a lot! I also cleaned out the closet too! So many clothes went bye bye!
Mentally each day is a little better. each day I'm learning to love this new me but there are moments that hit you and you cry in the shower. It's the baby shimming down so his head is on my soft tummy instead of my now hard chest so he can nap, that makes you tear up. It's hard relying on others to help you do day to day tasks. It's not being able to pick up my baby because he's a chunky monkey. then sweet moments like your husband telling you that you are still beautiful and each day it looks better. Or that he saw a pic of you after you gave birth to your 2nd son and that you looked so beautiful there. I started back work a few hours each day. It has been good to get back to a somewhat normal routine, but goodness I am exhausted. For some reason, napping, is hard for me. Like really really hard. My mind doesn't shut off. It has been nice resting though. I lay in bed in the quiet. I catch up on DVR or read a book or meditate. I have also started back working out. I am doing the re-bounder (mini trampoline) 10 mins a day and then have been doing either Spin bike for 20-30 mins I am going to try to start back to Country heat since it is 30 mins and line dancing, so I do not have to use my arms if I do not want to but i can if I am up for it. That will help me!
Each day is better. Each day I am able to have more movement and pick up the baby for longer at a time. Each day I am able to look at myself and feel pretty. But they do not explain well enough how limited your motion will be and how weak you will be. They try to explain things after your surgery when you are all drugged up and cannot remember (that is a huge help let me tell you), but before surgery, it really is not told to you exactly what will happen to you after surgery. No one talks about the mental aspect, the helplessness at your weakness and more. Kinda crazy!
But, I am doing better and that is really all that matters! Hope this blog post will help someone at some point!
Much love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis
#byebyecancer
#youpickedthewronggirl
I'm two weeks out (when i started this post I am not 2 and a half weeks out) and it still pains me to hold the baby. I'm exhausted easily. mentally I'm way better. starting to be comfy in my own skin. I cleaned out my bathing suit and lingerie drawers. that helped me a lot! I also cleaned out the closet too! So many clothes went bye bye!
Mentally each day is a little better. each day I'm learning to love this new me but there are moments that hit you and you cry in the shower. It's the baby shimming down so his head is on my soft tummy instead of my now hard chest so he can nap, that makes you tear up. It's hard relying on others to help you do day to day tasks. It's not being able to pick up my baby because he's a chunky monkey. then sweet moments like your husband telling you that you are still beautiful and each day it looks better. Or that he saw a pic of you after you gave birth to your 2nd son and that you looked so beautiful there. I started back work a few hours each day. It has been good to get back to a somewhat normal routine, but goodness I am exhausted. For some reason, napping, is hard for me. Like really really hard. My mind doesn't shut off. It has been nice resting though. I lay in bed in the quiet. I catch up on DVR or read a book or meditate. I have also started back working out. I am doing the re-bounder (mini trampoline) 10 mins a day and then have been doing either Spin bike for 20-30 mins I am going to try to start back to Country heat since it is 30 mins and line dancing, so I do not have to use my arms if I do not want to but i can if I am up for it. That will help me!
Each day is better. Each day I am able to have more movement and pick up the baby for longer at a time. Each day I am able to look at myself and feel pretty. But they do not explain well enough how limited your motion will be and how weak you will be. They try to explain things after your surgery when you are all drugged up and cannot remember (that is a huge help let me tell you), but before surgery, it really is not told to you exactly what will happen to you after surgery. No one talks about the mental aspect, the helplessness at your weakness and more. Kinda crazy!
But, I am doing better and that is really all that matters! Hope this blog post will help someone at some point!
Much love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis
#byebyecancer
#youpickedthewronggirl
Monday, January 16, 2017
Update
Hi y'all
Happy Monday! Thought I'd keep you up to date on my progress since you are a huge part of this journey!
Lil bit came home Saturday night after spending the night with my sister since surgery. Goodness we were happy. Jax and I kept smiles on our faces all night. My heart was full! Probably wasn't my smartest move for my physical health but mental health wise I needed all my loves home under one roof! Waking up to those sweet baby smiles and giggles makes my heart explode and at a time where I feel like I look like Frankenstein's mangled wife, I need them like I need air or water. Since he's been home I feel stronger, able to do more, even if I am overdoing it, and just happier as well as more at peace.
I am still super sore but thankfully barely notice the drain unless someone hits it. I'm also draining way less fluid and it's getting clearer, so I should be able to get this out wed! That will be a happy day as I'll be able to move around without thinking about "will I hurt or hit the drain". Plus showering will be way easier!
I'm thankful for the knitted knockers I have received. (Huge thank you to those who made/secured and got them too me). It's helping with the transition to being flat chested and serves as a cushion from the kids! Win win win!
Y'all it's hard to look down and not see the girls. way harder than I imagined. I'm literally having to fall in love with a new me! I'm a stranger to myself when I look in the mirror naked so when dressed those knitted knockers give me the illusion I'm not mangled. I'm doing good at not wearing them all the time but am thankful I have them for those times I just need to see the lovely lumps when I look down :). Truly do not appreciate some things until they are gone. This journey has taught me to always live every day to its fullest and always try to make a positive impact in the world. Even the darkest situations you can find a light. I know my friend Alicia who just lost her 8 year battle of pancreatic cancer definitely showed me that. Even on her last day on earth, she had a smile on her face and made people smile. I hope she's looking down at me with a proud smile at how I facing this journey. There are times in the middle of the night that I cry and cry. But then I get to snuggle with two sweet boys and the tears fade, especially when the tot kisses my tears! Something about that innocent love that makes everything better!
Hope y'all have a great day and if it's not great, do something nice for someone else, that should make you smile and change the course of your day!
Much love to you all!
Love
Jamie
Friday, January 13, 2017
I miss my kids
Oh Goodness this experience has taught me how much I love and miss my kids. It hurts how much I miss them. I miss hearing them play and laugh together.
Today is Herceptin day!
Doctors visit went well. She said my incisions looked great. My blood work is good. My white cells are still low but that is to be expected since I'm still rebuilding from the TCHP cocktail and surgery. We will start me on a hormone blocker to through me into menopause since Aunt Flo seems to be trying to come back. And then zoladex for a year at least. Have to get insurance approval then will start probably in 3 weeks at my next Herceptin infusion.
I've been able to snuggle Jax at night which has made me happy and Cass spent most of yesterday with me which made me smile. My emotions have been a roller coaster lately. I miss the kids, I miss the girls and not being in pain but I love all the love that I've felt!
I'm thankful for visits with friends and one in particular who made sure I rested while she played with the baby and another who has driven out of her way so many times to be there for me! So thankful for my sister and brother in law who have had the kids non stop which has made this seamless for them!
So thankful for my village! I definitely do not recommend a double mastectomy with lymph node removal when you have small kids at home! But am so thankful my village has made this more bearable. Not sure how people do this alone! My sweet husband has been amazing. For someone who is so used to an independent wife, he's stepped up in ways I didn't even realize I needed.
I'm so thankful for my amazing nurses who I look forward to seeing every 3 weeks. I'm thankful for those who took care of me in the hospital and for my amazing drs especially doctor russell. She's amazing on so many levels! I'm so glad she's mine!!! I would highly recommend her if you ever need an oncologist!
And lastly...Thanks to all who have called, stopped by, sent food/cards/flowers, texted, etc. I am so thankful I do not have to go through this humbling, painful, experience alone! Here's a pic from today
and one from yesterday (so much love in one pic)
One sweet moment last night. Jax said " mama me miss your boobies. Will they grow back". I told him they wouldn't and I missed them too. He said " no boobies makes me sad. Me love mama. Me missed mama. Me miss boobies but me love mama". I'm thankful he won't remember the day to day of this experience but am so proud of how he is handling it all. I got lots of kisses before he snuggled up tight to sleep.
Each day is a little better and one day this will be a distant memory!
Have an amazing Friday and weekend!
Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #inremission #notgettingridofme #thankful
Today is Herceptin day!
Doctors visit went well. She said my incisions looked great. My blood work is good. My white cells are still low but that is to be expected since I'm still rebuilding from the TCHP cocktail and surgery. We will start me on a hormone blocker to through me into menopause since Aunt Flo seems to be trying to come back. And then zoladex for a year at least. Have to get insurance approval then will start probably in 3 weeks at my next Herceptin infusion.
I've been able to snuggle Jax at night which has made me happy and Cass spent most of yesterday with me which made me smile. My emotions have been a roller coaster lately. I miss the kids, I miss the girls and not being in pain but I love all the love that I've felt!
I'm thankful for visits with friends and one in particular who made sure I rested while she played with the baby and another who has driven out of her way so many times to be there for me! So thankful for my sister and brother in law who have had the kids non stop which has made this seamless for them!
So thankful for my village! I definitely do not recommend a double mastectomy with lymph node removal when you have small kids at home! But am so thankful my village has made this more bearable. Not sure how people do this alone! My sweet husband has been amazing. For someone who is so used to an independent wife, he's stepped up in ways I didn't even realize I needed.
I'm so thankful for my amazing nurses who I look forward to seeing every 3 weeks. I'm thankful for those who took care of me in the hospital and for my amazing drs especially doctor russell. She's amazing on so many levels! I'm so glad she's mine!!! I would highly recommend her if you ever need an oncologist!
And lastly...Thanks to all who have called, stopped by, sent food/cards/flowers, texted, etc. I am so thankful I do not have to go through this humbling, painful, experience alone! Here's a pic from today
One sweet moment last night. Jax said " mama me miss your boobies. Will they grow back". I told him they wouldn't and I missed them too. He said " no boobies makes me sad. Me love mama. Me missed mama. Me miss boobies but me love mama". I'm thankful he won't remember the day to day of this experience but am so proud of how he is handling it all. I got lots of kisses before he snuggled up tight to sleep.
Each day is a little better and one day this will be a distant memory!
Have an amazing Friday and weekend!
Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #inremission #notgettingridofme #thankful
Monday, January 9, 2017
Day 3 post op-TMI photos
Hi Y'all
im sore! it's a dull achy with irratation at the drains. They are itchy and pinchy. my sweet kitty has not left my side while im in bed. sweet girl. Dear Husband (DH) has been amazing. hes even offered to shower me again. i miss the kids. i miss the laughter, squeals, cries, pitter patter, the smells, the light in their eyes, the heart beats, CBs snoring oh i miss them! I also know that i am resting better without them here. i need these drains out! DH thinks i need to do a light workout to get my blood moving. im close to telling him where to shove it :D he apparently misses the kids too!
we have laid around more than we ever have. we are bored but know i need to rest. so im resting and hes cleaning. its comical!
im sore! it's a dull achy with irratation at the drains. They are itchy and pinchy. my sweet kitty has not left my side while im in bed. sweet girl. Dear Husband (DH) has been amazing. hes even offered to shower me again. i miss the kids. i miss the laughter, squeals, cries, pitter patter, the smells, the light in their eyes, the heart beats, CBs snoring oh i miss them! I also know that i am resting better without them here. i need these drains out! DH thinks i need to do a light workout to get my blood moving. im close to telling him where to shove it :D he apparently misses the kids too!
we have laid around more than we ever have. we are bored but know i need to rest. so im resting and hes cleaning. its comical!
This compression shirt is super annoying. I didn't really get instructions so we are winging it. I go back tomorrow to dr
Yay!
Rightside
Left side
Day 6 post opp 
Friday, January 6, 2017
Aftermath
Hi Y'all!
I am day 1 post op I was discharged this afternoon about noonish. Less than 24 hour post op. I feel okay. I'm sore and tired but I'm able to move about. I will say my husband has been amazing. He has done everything in his power to make sure I'm okay, as comfortable as I can be, have food and coffee, , slept on an uncomfortable chair, has helped me figure out how to shower, gently feeding each tube of fluid through a lanyard, wiping me dry with a towel as I cry uncontrollable because I am unable to do such a simple task, he tells me it's all going to me okay as he holds me tight, has gone to run errands for me. That man has shown me how much he loves me. I'm very thankful I married him!
I'll keep you posted on how I feel!
Love Jamie
#fightinglikesgirl #wegotthis
I am day 1 post op I was discharged this afternoon about noonish. Less than 24 hour post op. I feel okay. I'm sore and tired but I'm able to move about. I will say my husband has been amazing. He has done everything in his power to make sure I'm okay, as comfortable as I can be, have food and coffee, , slept on an uncomfortable chair, has helped me figure out how to shower, gently feeding each tube of fluid through a lanyard, wiping me dry with a towel as I cry uncontrollable because I am unable to do such a simple task, he tells me it's all going to me okay as he holds me tight, has gone to run errands for me. That man has shown me how much he loves me. I'm very thankful I married him!
I'll keep you posted on how I feel!
Love Jamie
#fightinglikesgirl #wegotthis
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)