Day 159 - 2012 Binging and friends.

I realized about 2 years ago that I was a binger.  I will binge on almost anything. I will get fixated on something and I cannot get enough. Whether that be ramen noodles or drinking.   Now eating ramen everyday is not the best for me but much better than drinking alcohol daily.  What started out as drinking socially with friends (after college, during college I binged drank daily.. not good) but after college I would only drink socially but it always was with the intention of getting drunk (mostly anyways).  As good of an idea as I thought it was at the time, the next day (or two) were never fun.  I would be sick, have to have people fill me in on my behavior.  Never a fun thing to experience.  I put myself it harms way multiple times and am not really sure how I managed not to be seriously injured or die. Over the past couple of years I have had to look at me and my actions hard and without filters.  Not a fun thing to do.  I realize I have a very addictive personality.  I latch on to something until I find something else to move on too.  At the moment it is working out and living healthy, not such a bad addiction, as long as I do not let it go to the extreme.  Even alcohol is not bad as long as you do not go to the extreme.  However with me, if I go past one drink, then the drinks come easier, because of my addiction. I forget what could happen and just live in the moment.  Though I do not drink daily I still consider myself a binge drinker which is a form of alcoholism.  So when friends do not support me in not drinking or dismiss it like a phase, it hurts.  It takes a lot of will power to go out with friends who are all drinking and having fun and not partake.  The rational side  of me says, "you are saving money, you can drive home, you will not regrets any actions." The irrational side, is slightly jealous and just wants to be carefree again, regardless of the consequence.  I have to walk a fine balance between the two sides.  I have learned over the past couple of years who my real friends are.  My real friends support me in this decision not to drink. They do not pressure me or make me feel bad when I do not drink.   I have also realized the people who are offended by this are usually the ones who know they have an issue but do not want to admit it.  I had one person actually say: "how do you have fun?"  Well funny I do not need anything to have fun. I crack myself up all day. It is quite nice to remember all of my fun, instead of just assuming I had fun. I no longer wake up and think, " why did I make out with that guy? or Did I really do that?"  No, I know wake up and can tell all of  my friends what they did and how they acted.  I am so thankful for my friends over the years who have kept me safe and who put up with me in not so nice ways.  I am thankful I woke up from my binge drinking coma which kept me in some not so great relationships. I am thankful I realized I had an issue and even though I received a lot of flack  and a lot of, "OMG you quit drinking.. no way.. really?" that I still managed to go a year without any.   I am thankful that each day is a new day and that even if I slip up, tomorrow is a new day to become a better me.