Day 25

Ok so as you can tell, I totally did not come back on and write again. Had a good night at Kickbacks..came home watched tv and relaxed.

I am very contemplative today. I miss my Mommy. She is such a good person and loves me so much. Sometimes I wonder if it would be best for me to move closer to home. Sometimes I wonder, what my life would be like had I married B. We would have been happy. He loved me for me, he loved my quirky personality, we grew up together, had the same friends and loved each other.. something always drew us together... he just didn't love george's hair.. which was his ultimate demise. But had we worked that out, and got him out of the trailer (just one more reason), I think we would have been happy. We would have double dated with C and H until we died. Which is ironic since C was my first date and it was a double date.. lol... I miss my friends.. I miss that life we could have had.. We would have been surrounded by the familiar and I would still be eating meat. He never would have turned into a perv and gotten arrested for peaking under the dressing rooms in target, never would have ruined his life. Had only we stayed together.. we might both be crazy happy right now, with a few tow headed rug rats running around. I would have been proud to be his wife (up until that unfortunate incident). He was handsome, made me laugh, loved me so much.. i was the bitch, i pushed him away, i broke his heart, all because i was sooo scared of settling. But what I couldn't see was that it was not settling, it was being happy. I could have saved myself so much heartache. But I wouldn't be the girl I am today. I wouldn't be a member of Junior League, I would be living in the country, riding my horses, married to a sheriff deputy, with kids and family dinners with both families once a week. I can picture it all. I wish I could tell him I am sorry, I am sorry I messed up what our life would have been to see what else was out there. My parents always encouraged me to be curious and form my own path. I just never knew when to stop. That is the story of my life. I never know when enough is enough. I am getting better at self restraint. But it is hard. It is a constant struggle. Maybe one day I will succeed. Until then I will keep trying to be a better person.

Time to get ready for K's moms funeral :( that is sad.. I do not want to think about my mommy passing.. I know it is a long time away.. but she is my mommy and I do not know what to do without her. I love her.. I hope I can keep it together for K todaty.. I am going to do my best

ok time to get ready :)