Hmmm

Sometimes I wonder if all people have random thoughts like I do.. I am so mean in my head sometimes it makes me think "who is this girl?" I think things like, "wow that was a dumb comment" or "she annoys me" and those are mild comments.. its not that these people did anything wrong, my thoughts are just WOW out there.. I know not all personalities mesh all the time.. I love the fact that i have friends i can be around 24-7 and never get annoyed with.. and i love the other ones too.. just need a break from them. Its not that they are bad people, just some people wear me down. Mentally and physically, wear me the eff out.. so much drama, so many issues.. and i have my own set of issues.. but i can find good in all aspects of my life even during the bad times. Isn't that what makes you keep going.. looking at the good.. remembering the happy.. letting go of the bad? Why can't some people let go? Is it that hard to do? Maybe the bad comforts them somehow.. like its always been there like a security blanket. Like they are afraid to let go and open themselves up to a world of possibilities.. yes the possibility of getting hurt.. but also possibility of having something amazing happen to them. Morale of the story.. keep bad thoughts to yourself.. and i do mean to yourself.. and treat others how you want to be treated and life will be peachy :)

2 months

It has been a little over 2 months since my drunken debacle.. since then i have had a total of 3 glasses of wine.. 3 and 1 shot of patron... that is it.. i have been such a good girl.. that is crazy... i go out for happy hour and order diet coke.. i go out to a bacherolette party and order diet coke.. its definitely cheaper.. unless your not so better half takes up the slack and pretends he is 21 again.. drinking heavily, not coming home bc he cannot drive... until the grand finale of drinking so much he was sick ALL the next day.. did this make me giggle.. yes.. did i offer to get him things to make him feel better.. of course.. did i do it in an ever so slow motion.. of course i did.. and i smiled all the while. He was of course a sweetheart the next day.. which was a very nice change from this past month. I hope it continues.

I am in a very happy place.. i am getting much better at not letting others effect my mood and attitude.. It is not that i don't care if you are angry or upset or depressed, its just that i need to make sure i am ok and keep me okay bc only i can do that.. and then i can help others. I am no longer letting others being mad for things out of my control make me mad or upset.. i am just a smiling and enjoying the life i have.. because i woke up today.. i have fantabulous friends and family and furbabies... Life is Good!

Ta ta for now

Raising Rusty

Some days I feel as if i am "Raising Rusty" instead of him being my fiance. Some days he acts as selfish as a 5 year old.. if its not "fun" he doesn't want to do it, if its work.. he doesn't want to do it.. if it doesn't include his friends.. he doesn't want to do it. He has to be told to do things that should be just done. Pick up clothes, wash your dirty dishes or even take them to the kitchen, clean up after yourself, help around the house, mow the yard without having to be told to mow the yard. Some days I really wonder how in the world did he make it to 28. So what happens.. oh I walk on egg shells and just do it myself.. it's not worth the argument of him getting mad, because he didn't do something. He is a good guy just sometimes he forgets that he is not 21 and he has a family to come home too.. it is sad very sad :( Can I deal with this forever? Can I walk away?? Do the good times make up for the bad? can I deal with the running away when upset instead of the talking through things like an adult would? I wish I felt more secure.. I did and then he talks about leaving.. for me I don't imagine that as an option. I love him. I told him I would spend my life with him. I am in the good bad and ugly. My heart physically pains when i think of him not being in my life. I just wish my best friend would appear again.. he seems to have lost his way and this Goober person is in his place. When he is Rusty he is amazing, thoughtful, funny, giving, caring and just fun to be around. He makes me giggle over the smallest things.. but when goober appears, this hard stubborn person appears. Its as if all normal logic goes flailing into the oblivion. Reason disappears and only whatever thought is in his head, keeps swimming around blocking all new thoughts from entering. He only hurts himself. He is just a sucky person when he is goober. My nice guy disappears.. I just do not get it.. If you had someone who managed the finances, cleaned the house, did the lawn, did the laundry, cooked, loved you even in your mad moods, handles every situational that comes up, always answers your calls or texts, who loves you and tells you regularly... would you give that all up, because you do not want to talk or deal with your own issues? I love him but I love myself.. he doesnt love himself.. and I wish I could help him. I try and try.. i am there.. just waiting for him to love himself enough to grow up and be that man I have seen him be. That stand up guy who made me fall in love with him. I miss him. I want him back. This working all week away, is definitely taking its toll. Hopefully he will grow up sooner rather than later. until then.. i smile, i nod and i am there.. because I am happy with me.. and I like being happy.. happy is good :)

Really?

So my life lately is not really how i pictured it.. at the age of 33, I still have not learned what the word no entails. I do not like being told no, i do not like saying no, i just really do not like that word at all. And when i get told no, i do things i shouldn't. I go shopping when i shouldn't, i drink to much when i shouldn't, i act out when i shouldn't. At what age do you stop acting out.. stop acting like a 5 year old brat.. hmm i think i am going to try that now.. that sounds like a good plan to me.. ooh it will be hard but i can try. .its all i can do. .or else i will end up alone due to my self destructiveness behavior :(

Fake it until you make it

I live by the motto 'fake it until you make it' People like to dwell in their failures, get sympathy for those failures or lack of achieving things. Suck it up. Pretend to be happy and amazingly enough you will feel happy. No one likes to hear about your drama and woes me moments.. they like happy people and puppy dogs and babies.. me.. i dont mind. I think you have to have bad times to appreciate the good. But you must be open to the good, willing to see things for other than what they seem.
Ok enough rabbling Wipe out is on whoo hoo

Life.. its a funny little thing

As a time of year rolls around that most people look forward too. A once found memory for me has now been reduced to sadness, and a memory of failure. Where did the wrong turn happen? Or was it the right turn that will bring something better and more fabulous along? How do I know I can take a jump again. Into that black whole if uncertainty... how does anyone just jump after their heart has been broken? How do you recover from that? When do you know when the person who will never make you cry has come along?

It is scary to jump. It is scary to let people in. But is one's life not complete without a partner? Does one need to be apart of a twosome to be one?

I would like to think that we live well as one and another can only make us better. I feel complete and I am single. I was happy but really do the good times out weigh the bad, when the bad times are so bad. I loved him.. but he didn't love himself. I love myself. I am proud of myself. I try to be a good person, I work hard, I am a good friend.. and I have wonderful family, friends and furbabies. What more could a girl ask for? All happens when it should. No need to rush, no need to regret. Each step makes us who we are. If we took a wrong turn, there is still time to take the right one. Just have to be patient. Have to be happy with you. Once you are good. Then great things will happen!

Mondays

Mondays are always in interesting day. It is always crazy busy which makes things interesting, but then things get added to an already busy day then your boss wonders why cant all of this get done.. hello you have me working at a 200mph pace for like 6 months with the occasional pit stop but for the most part I am exhausted and really have no motivation to work harder than I already am. Really people.. not going to happen..

Plus not feeling up to par either. Working 7 days a week kind of sucks. Even though it could be worse.

I have an over flux of boys and it is kind of stressing me out a bit too. I just want one that I like as much as they like me. Not sure why its always one person likes the other more.. and by more I mean very apparent... but all are nice so its hard. I like it when things fall into my lap when it comes to relationships.. but maybe that hasnt worked so well for me lately so hmmm.. guess I should try for something new