Happiness is a choice.. sometimes we forget that

I was just introduced to this guy who makes me laugh while teaching me: https://www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work#t-213640

Take the time to check it out if you have not.  It will totally help shift your perspective so you are seeing positives instead of negatives. This came on a day that i needed to see and hear this!  So many times we focus on the negative of things: ie;  some people with cancer die, instead of, some people with cancer live; my husband didn't do XYZ, instead of my husband has been working a ton/spending time with us; My work queue is full ugh, instead of My work queue is full, today is going to fly by.

It takes awhile to build up the habit of flipping that switch automatically and sometimes you can slide back into your old ways.  I did this morning. I could not see the positive to save me. I can see them again thanks to a sweet friend sending me that link, not even realizing I needed that today!

Happiness is a choice, each day I make tons of decisions, one of them is to be happy or sad/mad/frustrated, it is a choice, i have to think about some days really hard, and others it comes naturally, but it is still a choice!  Choose the positive, choose the happiness, choose to smile and laugh!  Make that choice and be a better version of you!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis

Crazy TCHP after effects

It has been 9 weeks since my last TCHP cocktail.   Since Herceptin is targeted therapy, it only targets the HER2 in my body, which makes my side effects very little. What is crazy is the after effects i am getting from the TCHP cocktail.  My nails are NASTY!  they are dead  but still on my body, so they are very very brittle, yellow, just over all dingy looking. So over these. I almost want to go get fake ones to leave on until my nails come back.  That and  a pedicure with a dark color, as my toenails are just as bad. Tummy is still blah and my weight will not drop no matter how good i eat or how much i work out. But I have been working out :D   I still have sores all in my nose and am ready to have my nose hairs back.  My chin hair is back in full force, and my regular hair is coming in nicely and soooooo soft!  I mean so soft! it is like rubbing a baby chick or any soft furry baby animal, as I really do not know the last time i petted a baby chick, so i could have totally made something up right there.

Sorry, i digress. My hair is coming in great!  The Herceptin makes me super super tired. Like 2nd and  9 month pregnancy tired.  I just want to sleep all the time and I can't!  I have gotten my room ready for surgery.  Little bit should start coming off the bed the right way soon. Now he is close to the ground so his damage from a fall should be at a minimum now. I have someone coming to get baby stuff.. :( WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA No more babies for me, which makes me sad.

I know I am overdoing it at the moment, just like I did when i was pregnant,  but I really want things in order so i can relax and focus on getting through post op with the kids.   That part makes me sad. They unknowns.  I love how they both curl up with me at night but after surgery is going to be hard :(  Hoping I heal quickly so I can get back to snuggling my fave two little guys!

Oh and i lost most of my eyebrows and eyelashes, that has been rough. i was more sad over those than my hair.  I do NOT look like myself without makeup now. Every morning, I wake up and shower so I can put on my eyebrows. I put on eyeliner so i look like I have eyes. Who knew no lashes or few lashes made you look so ehhhhh.. I miss my thick long lashes. I now understand why women want longer fuller lashes.  

I am also super sore. Achy all over like the flu. Not sure if I am coming down with something or if I am having side effects from Herceptin. B and CB both are sick, JB and I are a little run down but not sick yet.  I have a feeling JB will be the last man standing. But anyway, achy. Even my bones ache.  JB has been helping me stretch every day.  Sweet pumpkin.

I am very thankful the side effects of Herceptin are minimum. This stuff is amazing!

Hope everyone is having a fabulous day!
Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis

Somedays you need a day

Somedays you just need a day. a day to cry, a day to rest, whatever your need is, some days you just need it.  Thurs was Thanksgiving and my eldests 3rd birthday. I did too much!  We walked the turkey trot, and then i fought him for nap, to then frost his cake i had baked, then cooked some dishes then hosted thanksgiving. I was one tired mama!  I had planned for Friday to be lowkey.  It was for the most part. Little bit and I hung out in bed most of the day, while Daddy went off playing and Big brother was with grandma. I needed about 7 of those kinds of days.

Monday hit and I heard the news of a friend passing from Pancreatic cancer. That hit me hard. She was an amazing person. Then today, little Kate passed away from cancer. I am heart broken for her parents and siblings.

 It seems cancer is everywhere. It is invading every day talk. You mention cancer and no one is surprised anymore, and you still get the sad death sentence face. Treatments are a little better, but still not better. There are not choices unless you fight for them. You are told you will do xyz and not really given the reasons behind it. You have to research on your own, which leads to more questions and am i doing the right thing. Chemo was hard but doable.  This surgery scares the bejesus out of me. Mainly on how it will effect my kids. so much has been taken from them in the last 6 months. I hate taking anymore from them. Especially when there is not solid data. All I know is Herceptin is working. I would rather stay on this the rest of my life every 3 weeks, than have my mastectomy at this time. I would rather wait until the kids are older. Surgery with two small kids, doesn't sound fun at all. In a month, I will find out. That makes me sad. Monday was my day to cry. I cried almost all day!  My Sweet Dani let me cry on her shoulder. it was rough. Thinking about it makes me tear up.   I needed that day. I needed to cry. I still am freaking out but am working through it. That is good.  Moving forward is good. But I know some days i am just going to need a day and those days, it is okay and i will take said day!

Thanks for reading my babble!

Have a great one!
#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis

Living Proof

Living Proof is a movie based on how the drug that is saving my life, Herceptin, was created and the fabulous Dr. Slamon who pushed boundaries in thinking outside the box to find something that could possibly cure breast cancer, as he was tired of seeing women go through chemo, surgery and radiation and still dying. He thought "there has to be a better way" and he did it. He found the better way. He fought 12 years to get this drug, into a clinical trial and to get the FDA to approve it.  He had amazing people helping him and an amazing wife who supported him.  This movie hit home, as one of the first test subjects, was a woman who was 28, postpartum with her 2nd child when diagnosed stage 4 breast cancer. This could have been me.  Easily, had I waited another month to be seen, it would have been me. Because of her and the other women who took a leap of faith to try this, I am here and I have no cancer active in my body. The stem cells are still there, but they have been shut off. She sadly did not qualify for the clinical trials but that ONE shot, gave her 2 extra years with her boys.  Which I know meant the world to her, as it would to me.  Through this whole process, I just want more time with them, I want them to remember me, for me to have some influence on their lives. I have time now, thanks to those women and that doctor.

Today I just found out one of my friends who has fought cancer, with such grace and positivity, lost her battle yesterday. The world will definitely feel the loss of her. She was such a fiery, positive, bright light!

I hope I can continue to shine brightly for all of these amazing people who came before me, for those who won and those who lost their battles. I will keep fighting and keep trying to be a light of good in a world full of darkness!

#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis

Unexpected call

I received an unexpected call today, from the insurance companies case manager, over my cancer. She told me that I was an inspiration. I know only made her day, but I made her month. All because while I was telling her my story, I was staying upbeat and positive and looking at the bright side of everything. That I needed to write a book.  Maybe one day I will! These posts will definitely help me remember this year. How hard I fight to not leave my babies. I did tear up, when we talked about nursing and me having to give that up. That is a tough pill to swallow still. Does cancer suck? yeah yeah it does. But are there perks? Yes yes there are!  I get to see the good in most every person I meet. For some reason, even a mean person, will be nice to someone going through cancer treatments.  Theres something humbling in that.  It's really nice to know how someone feels about you!  The calls, texts, cards, presents, breastmilk, house/yard work, food and more, mean the world! Makes you want to be a better person.  Makes you happy!  Every day I have a choice. I can be happy or wallow. And while wallowing is very appetizing. I have two littles that need a happy energetic mama. So every day I wake up and if needed, fake it until I make it! And I always, well most days make it at least most of the day!  Those sweet smiles make me smile. There is so much beauty in the world, you just have to be open to it and put it out there as well!  I wish we would all just be good humans. Be kind, loving, respectful, hard working and truthful, this world would be a better place. Life's to short to spend it mad and negative. Take a load off by trying smile and be happy! 

Have a fabulous day!  Thanks for loving me! 

Jamie

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #inspiration 

Great news

I tried to post on Friday but had technical issues again and was super busy all weekend!

So Friday we got the results of my PET scan.  I will say I cried a lot and every time I think about it, I tear up.  The scan showed NO EVIDENCE OF MALIGNANT DISEASE!  That is right, I am cancer free!  This does not change the course of treatment, it just means, the treatment is working! I am very very very thankful!  I cannot even express how exactly I feel. Mixed emotions for sure!  I am thrilled about it and so much more nervous about surgery now. But goodness it makes me smile knowing I am not leaving my sweet family!

I celebrated this weekend with my friends on Sunday. We cooked out and let the kids play as we drank champagne and  toasted to many more years together!  Oh happy day!

Thank you to all of you for your love, support, thoughts, vibes and prayers!  So thankful for an amazing team of doctors that acted quickly and got me through this!

Thanks a bunch!  Much love to you all!

#wegotthis #fightinglikeagirl

Technical issues

I am so sorry for the long pause in posts. I promise I have tried but the app keeps shutting down on me before I finish my post :(

So since the last post, I have had  a PET scan that I requested since when they wanted me to get one I was nursing and refused to not nurse my baby knowing i would have to give that up soon. .The guy at the time told me I would need to not have direct contact for 24 hours with the kids.  So my sister kept them for me. I got 9 hours of sleep that night which was amazing! But I paid for it as the kids were super clingy and wanted MAMA all weekend.. which I was happy to oblige, but it hurt daddy's feelings :(    Jax took it the hardest i would say. He regressed a bunch and dry nursed going to bed all this weekend. Which is a little painful for me but he soothed him, so I let him. he doesn't have much longer of having that option, and I did not have the heart to say no when i miss it just as much as he does!  My sweet first baby!  Cass also missed Mama and wanted just me for everything this weekend. I am definitely tired but loved all my snuggles.  I should get the results this week at my Oncologist appt that I have before chemo!

I had my gyno appt this week and she is being extra vigilant since I am ER+ and her2+ (Estrogen fueled cancer with a super cell that likes to replicate quickly)  it has been known to spread to uterus area so we are doing an ultrasound in Feb to make sure  nothing has spread.

This week I have been very very emotional. I cry at a drop of a hat. I am definitely freaked out over the double mastectomy. The loss of part of my body sucks. I am not sure I really am on board with removing the lymph nodes and the hardest part is the unknowns with post op and the kids.  The kids and I snuggle at night. We enjoy it, it makes us happy, I am not looking to change things.  It will be some restless nights once I am back home. 1. because they are super needy after we have been apart and 2. because I will be in slight to moderate pain and they are going to want to snuggle right where the incisions are. Will definitely be interesting. I keep saying, i do not want this to affect them but it is and will, which makes me cry. dang leaky eyes!

I need strength to stay strong!  Oh my sweet boys!  I am looking forward to knowing my results of my PET scan. I am actually being super calm about it.  I know it is what it is at this point. We will know if it has spread or if its going away. The best case is its all gone, worst case it has spread.. either way, we will deal with this!  

Have a fabulous day!

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis