Today I heard that a friend who has been married for 11 years is getting divorced. This makes me sad. It is not that this person did not try or put forth effort. It is that their spouse decided to cheat instead of working on the marriage. I get why the spouse was unhappy, I do not get why they cheated instead of talked. Would it not be less hurtful to say, "hey, I am unhappy with you not keeping yourself up, why don't we start working out together", instead of cheating? My husband teases me if I ever get big those are grounds for divorce. I know he is teasing me, as I am not the one that we have to worry about. I work out daily I do not have a sweet tooth and I am able to control my food intake. I also monitor my weight religiously He however, does not work out regularly, will let laziness overcome him (understandable with his crazy work week) and has a major sweet tooth. But 11 years.. wow.. I hear this over and over.. 8-20 years just gone because someone decided to end the relationship instead of remembering why they fell in love and working on repairing the issues. Maybe I am naive in my thinking. I know even some days I feel like what did i get myself into, but then I see him and know why. I remember why I love him and overlook my minor annoyances or the major one for the day. Some times he doesn't even realize why i am annoyed and I know i annoy him regularly. We are two very independent people who are stuck in our ways but are trying to live together and make this family work.
I know that marriage is 100%/100% not 50/50 like some people think. Sometimes one partner will pick up the slack for the other and vice versa. But both must be committed to making the marriage work. For me it is easier to bite my tongue after I have spoken my peace without changes happening. I know that I do things differently and I am not going to change my partner. I must learn to let things go and move on, and pick my battles. The dishes in the sink are not a battle that I care to fight. It takes less energy to put them in the dishwasher and go about my day. Someone once told me that in every relationship there is a garden and a gardener. There is always that one person who is willing to water the garden and tend to the garden while the other person reaps the benefits. Two gardens would never work, as they would wither and die. Two gardeners would be fabulous but that rarely happens. There is always one person who tends to the marriage and other person more, they are the gardener. The other person is the garden. I have dated gardeners before and I am not good with them. I feel inadequate. I like being the gardener and when my garden actually does some watering it makes me even happier. Everyone has a purpose and a job in the marriage. But both must tend to their jobs or things fade, wither, and sometimes die. It takes 100/100 percent from both parties. Marriage is hard work, it is not for the faint of heart and definitely not worth going into just for the sake of being married.
The big D scares me and saddens me. I feel for those going through it and I think constantly at what I can do to keep from going down that road. I will continue to keep my friend in my thoughts and continue to love my hubby and make him feel appreciated, so that we do not go down that road ourselves.
Here is too many years of happiness from our family to yours!
ps here is a great article about sex in the marriage: http://davewillis.org/what-every-married-couple-needs-to-know-about-sex/
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