Ringing the bell & bye bye port

Hi y'all

It has been awhile. Blogger still hasn't fixed their app so it makes it really hard to do write regularly with two small kids. Their blogs have been pretty sucky because of that too :(

So, my last infusion was 6-16-17.  Ringing the bell was an amazing feeling and 3 of my fave nurses were there to share it with me which made it all the better!  Jennifer and April have been there since day 1 and Sybil I have known since high school.

Here is the video of me ringing the bell: https://youtu.be/0QDxvhZ1tR4


I tried multiple times to get my port taken out and on the 3rd attempt the dr was able to do it in the office. It hurt like hell!  The stitches came out a little early for one side so it didn't heal the way it needed too. The scar will be a little thicker than it should but just one more battle scar right?

I go back tomorrow to the dr for my check up. Will be odd having to have blood drawn. I am so used to the port. I kinda miss Paulie the Port. He definitely saved me from a lot of hurt. I have mixed feelings about my active treatment being over. I am glad to not be spending thousands of dollars but at the same time it's bittersweet. I am jumping at any ache or pain that lasts too long. If I think my lymph nodes are swollen. It is an odd feeling knowing that something could be growing inside you trying to kill you and that you may never realize it. I never want that to happen again. I will trust my instincts.

I may need to get some therapy as I feel like all the weight from the past year is now falling on me. I feel like i am suffocating some days. I have stayed strong for so long.. it takes a toll.

I am thankful to be alive and know this chapter will pass soon too!

Thanks for being there for me!

Love
Jamie

Last Infusion Ever! (I hope)

IIJune 17 2017 was the last date of my last Herceptin infusion. June 17, 2016 was  my first chemo ever!

My sweet husband, went with me. We were able to get a video of me ringing the bell. I was  not as emotional as I thought I would be. I teared up when I hugged my fave nurses, but I was ecstatic to ring the bell!  I was unsure how i would feel but I was so excited that I teared up with happy tears.

Here is the video of me ringing the bell: https://youtu.be/0QDxvhZ1tR4

After this, we went to get Mexican food with some of my besties!  We got to laugh a lot and just enjoy each other.

Bittersweet

This week is a very bittersweet week.   I end my infusions on the same date I started them. It will be a complete circle from start to finish. This past year definitely makes you think about how you are living your life. How my little journey, has impacted others in big ways. How one action causes a butterfly effect.

I just finished watching 13 reasons why, after being persuaded too by multiple friends from different friend groups. I am glad I watched. I love that my friends push me to do uncomfortable things, when they know I need too. I could not have done this past year without my friends and family.   As I watched this show, my emotions ran the gamut. I wanted to save this girl. I wanted to shake her and say this is just a SMALL portion of your life, you will get through this, you have so much to live for.   I saw pieces of me in her. I saw how easily I could have been her.  The rumors kids spread are so hurtful. The thoughts about not being good enough. Dealing with dickhead guys and bitchy girls. Dealing with the selfishness that are teens. Even as you get older, you deal with mean, rude people. You get back-stabbed at work, overlooked for promotions, life stinks sometimes. Whether you are a teen or adult.  The one thing about being an adult when going through something stinking like cancer, is that you know it will get better. You can walk away from mean people, you can look for a new job, you can make new friends and get rid of toxic ones and not have to see their faces every day. You know as an adult, life will get better. It is a roller coaster.

Let me tell you this past year has been a hell of a roller coaster. I have learned more about myself!  I have gotten to know my husband in an all new way and i have gotten to see my 3 year old turn into one of the most empathetic kids I know.  Such a tender heart and a need to protect his mama. My husband who seems rough and strong, is one of the tenderest men I know. He showed me how much he loves me over and over this year. Our communication is becoming more in sync and life is good. We still disagree on a lot, but are seeing common ground more and more.   The littlest of us all, is growing into his personality. We tease him he is a frat boy. He loves to make you laugh, and is very determined. He does not like to be told no. We have a house full of strong personalities. Should make for an interesting next 20 years or so!

Friday i go in for my last infusion.. ever (I hope). Very bittersweet. Then I get my port out, which is super scary..... as that means no more infusions.. no more lifesaving drugs.... Today pictures of me nursing my kids for the last time, are popping up in my memories... oh how that makes me sad.  I never thought I would not be nursing at this moment in my life. I know the boobies were trying to kill me but I really miss that closeness with my babies.   yes this week is very bittersweet to say the least.

Please keep positive thoughts coming my way as tomorrow i will be pretty emotional. Ending chemo on the day I started chemo  should be happy, but it also marks the day I last nursed my babies. The day my heart broke in pieces. It is a day that will mark the end to medicine I can only hope, did its job and will keep cancer at bay now. I am confident in most of my treatment decisions and am looking forward to a little closure.... bittersweet day indeed!

Thanks for all of your support and love!
Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #byebyecancer #inremission #operationwatchbabiesgrowup

Cancer-anniversary

Today is the day I heard the words that would forever alter my life. The words that made my heart stop beating for a moment. The words the would bring tears to fill my eyes. The words that made me hold my babies tight as I cried. The words that would cause me insomnia. The words that  fill me with dread. The words that would take so much from me, yet would give me so much in return. The words that make any sane person dread hearing. The words that when said, make someones face immediately go sad.  The words that bring an instant knot to my stomach that just sits there. The words that made me feel like I was beginning a new life within my existing life.  The words that made me learn medical terms. The words that allowed people to reach out and show how much I mean to them and how very much they mean to me. The words that brought old friends back into my life. The words that brought new friends into my life. The words that helped repair relationships, bring people closer together. The words that change my vision of this past year in ways I could never have imagined. The words that made me emergency wean my kids, before they or I were ready too. The words that showed me how fierce a mothers love is. The words that helped non emotional people show emotion. The words that humbled me. The words that made me see other sides of the coin. The words that made me completely sure that living each day to the fullest is the way to go. The words that reinforced, that I have a choice to be happy despite what is happening to me. The words that hearing, well.. it sucks. The words I wouldn't wish anyone to have to hear. The words that still make me sad when I hear someone else hearing the  same words.  The words, that the doctor said with calmness, steadiness, a bit of sadness, "Jamie I am so sorry to tell you this, we got the biopsy results and it is malignant. We need you to have an MRI asap and get into a surgeon."

From there this year has been one non stop roller coaster. It has had highs and lows, lots of tears yet lots of laughs too. It has taught me so much about who I am and who I want to be. It has taught me the endless amounts of love that still exist in this world! Thank you to all who have stood by me and loved me!  Your support has been incredible!  I have an appt tomorrow (we have been pushed back a week.. no clue why) but should only have 2 more treatments!  I will never know which day I went into remission but today is the day I started fighting to be in remission!  Thank you, thank you, thank you for being there for me and my family!  Much love to you all!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #byebyecancer #inremission #operationwatchbabiesgrowup

#oneyearsurvivor

My Birthday

HI Y'all!

Today is the last day of my 30's. I am not going to lie, this last year did not happen the way I thought it would. Not at all. No way at all, had you told me last year that I would have faced, battled, and won a fight against cancer, that i would have believed  you. I would have laughed. I may have had that little nagging feeling something was wrong, but never did I imagine it was cancer. I honestly thought I was just a little postpartum depressed. I just felt a little blue and totally chaotic with two little nursling's and a toddler that reverted back to an infant over night. But cancer? no way!  Funny how life has its own plan.

One year ago I was happy being home with my two sweet boys and thinking of happy things to do for my birthday and all the things I wanted to do for the last year of my 30's. Well my birthday did not go as planned, which was exactly how my year went. Nothing planned, things in the air and chaotic ever moving vibes wrapping me at all times. I did not expect my post partum check up would end up with me getting an ultrasound on a lump in my breast.  I look back at that girl. Wow, she seems so much younger then the one today. I wish I could warn her of what was to come, but I have a feeling she would have handled it the same. In the past few weeks I have been on a cleaning purging binge. My husband is loving it though he doesn't see he is partly to blame.... regardless, I need this house de-cluttered and stress free :D

Tomorrow I turn 40. I will wake up with my babies, and spend the day enjoying their giggles, meltdowns, hugs and kisses. I will live tomorrow like it is my last, because every day is a treasure and should be cherished. I will continue to find joy in every day living because that means I am alive. I challenge you to do the same. Every day, be more positive, be more light, be more free, be more happy!

Much love to you all!
Tomorrow, i turn 40!

Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #byebyecancer #operationwatchbabiesgrowup

Cancer isnt pretty

Y'all, cancer is not pretty. It is not hearts on facebook or buying items properly color coded for your or your loved ones cancer.  I've gotten lots of "check your boobies" messages lately .  when I look down I do not see boobies. I  see a mangled flatish chest which I must learn to love. It's a slow process. Each day I am more comfortable in me, each day I  see more and more of that woman my husband and kids see.  This is just one aspect of cancer.

Cancer, is ugly. Cancer can be debilitating. Cancer tears families apart, causes financial ruin, lost memories, taking of body parts,  learning to love a new body,  and much more. Cancer is being so tired from treatments,  that it physically hurts to move, yet you still have to get out of bed to take care of your young kids. Cancer causes, crying in the middle of the night, so that no one else hears you, yet somehow your sweet toddler still does, and in his sleep holds you tight. Cancer causes frustration when people are not understanding that you cannot RSVP, because you have no idea how you will feel. You never have enough time to rest and be social. The loss of your body which makes you cry. The caregiver that towels you  off and holds you while you cry. Cancer takes pieces of you, that you never thought you could live with out.  Cancers scars  run so much deeper than you can see. It truly makes you sad when people say, you are cured, when you are only in remission. You want to correct them but you do not want to see that sad look on their face. You know you will never be 100% cancer free. You will always have those cells. You can only hope they never activate again. You are constantly wondering if that ache or pain, or shortness of breath, or lingering headache, is actually cancer back with a vengeance! It is constantly feeling like you are selfish, when you say no, or need help again.   These are a few of the burdens a cancer patient carries. They carry so much than the normal person, even more than their care giver ever sees. Cancer makes you think of leaving your loves before you are ready to leave them. You write notes, and take tons of pictures, just in case.  Cancer causes you to see the world with a new light. You can choose the dark side or look to the light. Either choice takes you down a path that you and you alone will walk. Others may join you for a time, but ultimately, it is YOU, that must walk the cancer path alone. You will enjoy their company, but will always know they will not know 100% of what you are going through, how many thoughts race through your head at all times, the anguish, the pain, the being scared and oh so sad, just to pull yourself back up with a smile, so that your sweet small baby or loved one, will not be effected by what you are going through. The tears flow sometimes for no reason. Sometimes you feel like you are invincible and can conquer the world. Others, like you are down a deep dark hole with no rope to help you up. The cancer path, takes many roads.  Many forks, for you to choose light or darkness. Each step carefully thought out. Each path with it's own trials, tribulations and celebrations. Cancer is not pretty.

I got lucky. My breast cancer is treatable. I will never be cancer free, but I am currently No Evidence of Disease. I have a doctor who listened to my needs. I was proactive and did chemo and a double mastectomy (probably didn't need to. But currently that is the standard of care, so we opted for surgery). We declined radiation, but opted for hormone therapy. I am almost done with Herceptin and will continue on Tamoxifen. That gives the scientists 10 years to come up with some kind of cure. Some vaccine. or legalizing marijuana so we can build a cure from that, something anything. 10 years is a lot time.  A lot can happen in 10 years!  I keep choosing that light path for that reason. I want to meet the girl that will steal my sons heart. I want to see my first grandchild. I want to grow old with my sweet, funny, terribly annoying, very loyal husband and travel the world. I have so much I need to accomplish before I say goodbye to this world and my family. I choose light, in the sea of ugliness that is cancer!

Love
~Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #operationbyebyecancer

Herceptin, Tamoxifen and more

Hi y'all

I had my #15 out of 18 Herceptin treatments yesterday. I also started Tamoxifen. We decided on that instead of Zoladex, as it does not hurt my bones and since I am menopausal i do not have the uterine cancer  risk! This should keep the cancer from coming back since it targets the estrogen in my body to keep it from attaching and creating a tumor (I think that is what it does) I have learned from this entire experience, I was not meant to be a doctor or nurse!

Also my baby turned 1 on Friday. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.  Yesterday i was in chair #24 which was the chair I had my  first chemo in and the chair I pumped my last bit of milk for my baby in. It was a very emotional day. The center was running about 3 hours behind when it was all said and done, so I had a lot of time to think.

Today I am exhausted. Herceptin make me tired and yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks.  This morning is just as bad. Very nauseous. Hoping it is just too much medicine in one day and that this is not going to be a daily thing. positive thoughts its temporary as 10 years of this will not be fun!

Hope y'all have a great day!

Love
Jamie
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #byebyecancer #operationseebabiesgrowup