Pushing through

I was told by a survivor how much she admired me, since she knew how rough Chemo is and she had issues without small children at home. It is rough but those small children push me through. The unexpected toddler hugs "Hug please", the smiles from the baby when he sees my face, all of those things help me push through, get out of bed and make the most of every day. They truly are the reasons why I am getting through this treatment.

While getting fluids on friday. A young woman with a baby around 3-4 months old was getting lab work and seeing the oncologist. I teared up as I watched her awkwardly hold the baby while juggling the diaper bag, paper work and trying not to hit her newly blood drawn site. The babies toy dropped I jumped and grabbed if for her awkwardly stating I have a 4 month old at home. We exchanged glances and quickly looked away after both giving reassuring smiles. I don't know her story  or where she is in treatment. I do know she's a mom of a little one like me I know I hope she's through her treatment, instead of beginning treatment. I know that baby girl had the prettiest blue eyes and that her mom loves her.  No one should ever have cancer but especially not babies, kids and new moms.  I'm still thankful it's me and not my kids! So thankful!

This weekend I was able to get out and about. I really thought I had overdone it as I cleaned the house really well! Still have a few rooms to do but at least the main areas and the bedroom are clean and the floors are too! Really really hoping I didn't over do it!  This weekend was really nice. We spent the entire thing as a family and got lots of laughs in!  JB was quite comical this weekend. We actually let him have sugar and now i remember why we don't let him eat it often. .OMG crazy!  He does this little jig when he is up to no good and will run away with whatever he wants and throws or hides it somewhere thinking yoiu cant get to it and will even block it with his body from you. Oh my, he makes me laugh!  So lots and lots of laughing this weekend, which was much much needed!

Hoping this week is just as good as this weekend (actually hoping it is even better)  even trying to make plans to see a movie this weekend!

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Feeling rough...

Hi everyone!  So far this week has been pretty rough!  Poopiness along with battling nausea (meds are barely touching it), nosebleeds that make my bed look like I was attacked, low blood pressure, lack of sleep, swollen glands and general just not feeling like me has been the new norm.  Last night I finally got some sleep!  I feel like a different person at the moment. Hoping it lasts through the day!  

Last night around 3 am when little bit woke up, I hugged him and cried. I just want to see him graduate from high school.. maybe even college but at least high school. Get married if he wants. I feel so crappy some days I wonder if that will happen. Not a fun feeling. Not fun at all not knowing if you will see your kids grow up. To be frank, it really sucks!  I try not to think about that but it happens, the thoughts creep up. People say they know how I feel or they understand. They don't. I know they think they do, and some have a good idea, as they have gone through something similar but all of it, the feeling like poop, the thoughts of not seeing your kids grow, it all accumulates and sometimes takes over, like a dark cloud smothering the sun. I keep looking for the sun, and keep my eye on that shimmer of light that always comes through. 

When people say they understand I try to say, "thanks", it is getting harder and harder. It is getting harder to push away the thoughts I want to say to the people who push their beliefs on me. I am at a point that I just can't deal with it. I try so hard to respect people, their beliefs, their privacy, that is it is really hard when i do not get the same in return, especially now. I also appreciate everyone trying to help but taking my kids away, isn't helping. I like them.... a lot, they are the ONLY reason, I am pushing through the way I am. No way I would be upright without them. Come play with them, but don't take them. I worry about them, I don't sleep when they are gone and in a different place than they are used too. I worry, I know it's crazy to some, but I do. I really love my kids. I really love their personalities and even the sleepless nights. Before long they won't need me or I won't be here. Until then, I  want every moment I can get with them. Even if that sounds crazy to you. 

I'm sorry if I haven't responded to calls or texts. Laying pretty low at the moment, resting and unplugging when I can!  I do appreciate them all though!  This week has hit me really hard. I did not expect to feel bad until at least this weekend, so feeling bad now really threw me for a loop, so seeing the messages really helps!

Please keep the positive thoughts coming my way that these symptoms pass quickly and that I can keep looking for that light (not the light to go into but the sunshine light)!  Feeling like a constant hangover drains you for sure! Though I am loving all the snuggle time I am getting in with the boys!  They sure do know how to make this mama feel special and loved! 

Thank you for everything!  I appreciate you guys!  Hope you have an amazing day! 

Love Jamie 

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Chemo #4 aftermath

Chemo #4 went well. I thankfully got a great spot and was able to sleep!  Today (monday, day #3 post chemo) I feel like poop!  I am very very very nauseous. I am sure part of it is lack of sleep. 3 nights in a row with insomnia, I literally stared at the kids willing myself to be asleep like they were. They were so sweet, and snuggly and soundly asleep like good little children. Yet Mama was awake and not sleeping like a good little Mama. So I am going from 4 hours friday night, 4.21 sat night to 3:45 sunday night. Not good. not good at all. I got up at 6 and worked out bc well I was awake, the kids were awake so why not. Big mistake. I am already dehydrated so the work out I think through me into a bigger dehydration bucket. Trying hard to get the fluids in me as I am super super nauseous!

But that work out is all worth it, as my tot is my little workout buddy. He tells me to lay down when it is time to do push ups and lays on my back saying "mama lay down, me lay on back, me help you work out"  Yes little buddy you push me to be a better person!  Every. Single. Day!

So today I am tired and nauseous but hoping I get better as the day goes by!

Thanks for the calls and love!  Sorry I haven't gotten back to anyone!  Unplugged for most of the weekend with the boys!  They are so sweet!  But I really appreciate it!

#fightinglikeagirl
#wegotthis

Chemo #4 this week!

Chemo #4 is around the corner. "How do I feel?", seems to be the question of the hour. I feel tired. It is the odd tired. Where your body is just exhausted, and your mind is moving 200 mph through what all needs to be done, who needs calls back, thank you cards to write, what you missed at work, will you get through this, how much you love your kids and much much more. It feels at times I am looking at myself from above me. I know it is me, I see a version of me in the mirror, but it isn't the me i am used too. It is very surreal.  I am asked how I am. I am okay. I would love to say, "Great" all the time but some days at that moment when asked, I just want to say, "great!"  The sad looks when people see I have cancer, the tears in someone's eyes or  vibration in their voice when they ask how i am or when I am honest about how I feel, is sometimes too much to bare. They expect me to say not good, but I want to be normal. I want to be great. I want my kids to have the mom they deserve. I want to be at my fullest potential. i want to  be a good wife to my husband. I want to be great!  Today i am tired but great. I truly am. I am used to being tired. I feel like even without cancer I would be tired because I would be up nursing an infant.  I am nervous about chemo #4 but I am good. I am anxious at times, but then I am good! It comes in waves. So if I tell yoiu I am great!  Trust me, at that moment I am!  No sad eyes, no sad voice, just know, at that moment I believe it. Chemo 4 may be coming for me, but I am coming for it!  just 3 more TCHP cocktails and then I am off to just Herceptin!  The one drug in that mix that I need to kill this and which will help me be able to say i am great a lot!

here is to feeling great!

#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis #todayiamgreat

Day 3- 5 post chemo #3

I started writing this on day 3 when it was gloomy outside which fit my mood perfectly. I am thankful I am not worse, but definitely am feeling nauseous, exhausted (which has to do partly to my 2 sweet babies), and poopy.  I am so thankful for the sweet messages and calls. I even had one friend call a movie theater and got the manager to agree to let me watch the movie with just them in a room before the masses arrive. I mean I have the best friends! I am so lucky to have such an amazing village around me. Those near or far, doesn't matter, everyone makes sure I know they are there for whatever I may need.

I am sorry to those who I haven't been able to talk to on the phone or a call is cut short. During the day I am working and have to be on the phone for work and by the time i get to my kids all i want is to pay attention to them. Once they are in bed i am too. leaves very little time to connect. So I  am sorry!  Time seems to go by so fast.

Today is day 5 post chemo and I am tired, nauseous which seems to be the new norm now. At least I know and at least it isn't worse than it could be! Thankful, very thankful it is not worse!

Everyone wants to know how they can help and really there is nothing to do. I need sleep and unfortunately I have two small kids that I love so I do not want time away from them, and no one else can sleep for me. I will push through. they are definitely worth it!

Hoping this weekend will be a great weekend and my body has finally gotten somewhat used to these toxic meds being fed into me.

Have a fabulous day!
#fightinglikeagirl #wegotthis

Love
Jamie